Totes Breaking News: Hillary Clinton Quits Race

Beer, Quit, Quitting, Can, Vintage, Tin

In a shocking development which won’t be reported in mainstream media outlets because it “didn’t actually happen,” Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign, effectively handing the Democratic nomination to Bernie Sanders.

Ms. Clinton dropped out not because of the numerous scandals she is facing, or the admittedly remote possibility of Senator Sanders riding his momentum into a Philadelphia Convention in which he holds a lead in pledged delegates, but because the spirit of the 22nd Amendment makes her campaign an unconstitutional one.

The 22nd Amendment, for those who are not Constitutional scholars or capable of using a search engine, limits American presidents to two terms in office. And while Ms. Clinton has not been president, her husband Bill Clinton has, and if she is elected then he would essentially be president again even though this is not allowed.

Ms. Clinton has already gone on record saying she would put Bill in charge of the economy, essentially filling the presidential role in that area, which has been considered to be just fine for some reason. And perhaps it is fine. But, upon further thought, Ms. Clinton decided it would be imprudent to limit her husband’s responsibilities to the economy alone.

From her experience as Secretary of State, Ms. Clinton has become intimately familiar with how difficult foreign policy can be. The media portrayal of her role in the Benghazi attack has been incredibly inconvenient and stressful for Ms. Clinton, and much of the criticism appears to be unproven accusations which were fabricated to make her look bad. She doesn’t even want to think about what will happen if she makes actual, unquestionably awful, foreign policy blunders, which she is more than capable of doing, especially if she continues to admire the work of Henry Kissinger. Therefore, Ms. Clinton would rather let Bill handle foreign policy as well. Including giving him the de facto responsibility of Commander-In-Chief.

Finally, there is the matter of public speaking. Months on the campaign trail have clarified the challenges of keeping her cool, and her voice, while frequently addressing the public on the sort of matters a president is supposed to talk about. Bill has always been better at that sort of thing, so Hillary figured she might as well let him do that too.

Since she’d be delegating so many presidential roles to her husband that he would essentially be president again, Ms. Clinton decided that, since she is a person of integrity who always respects the spirit of the law, it would be immoral for her to continue in the race, so she is suspending her campaign.

Just because you haven’t, and will not, hear about this in the mainstream media doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Even if it only happened in the pipe dreams of Bernie Sanders supporters, or at least one such supporter, it still happened.

It still totes happened.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.


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