The Internet – Summerish weather has persisted for months before the actual start of summer in the northern hemisphere, but no matter how many scientists try to pin this pattern on man-made global warming, this is simply not the case. The consistently high temperatures are not because of changes in the atmosphere because of pollution and such, but because Lord Zeus, Master of the Skies, has been making it warmer.
Lord Zeus, who recently awoke from a millennia-long nap about sixty years ago, has been manipulating the atmosphere to keep the weather warm primarily so he could look down at the women on Earth wearing as little clothing as possible, with about as much concern for the long-term consequences of his actions as he’s had for anything else he’s done in the past.
Now that the public has been informed of Lord Zeus’ activities, there could be some concern that many women will make an effort to cover up in order to prevent a “creepy old man” from staring at them from the sky, but Zeus insists such actions will be futile. This is because as the summer months progress, he will keep cranking up the heat to make sure no one is overdressed. He will also be causing abnormal atmospheric warmth to show that it’s been him doing it all these years, since obviously it has to be a supernatural being making all these changes because humans could not possibly be able to affect such drastic differences in weather conditions. He also insists that he is totally not creepy, and he doesn’t look old unless he wants to.
Once again, no matter how much credible-seeming scientists say otherwise, humans are not at fault for the heat which will cause all sorts of discomfort this summer. The actual culprit is Zeus, who is totally real.
*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.