One of These Ten News Stories is Not Real

  1. Donald Trump ran through the White House in a nightgown last evening, even going up and down stairs, while wearing a hat which said “Make Willie Winkie Wee Again.” While doing this, he shouted frequently, telling people they should be asleep. It was nine p.m. at the time.
  2. Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway settled whatever differences they may have had and merged into one being, with the Conway part of this entity doing the shouting and the Bannon part doing the thinking. Donald Trump did not listen to this union of the spurned, as he was busy running in his nightgown, but this monster is likely to be a threat down the road to what little remains of world peace.
  3. George R.R. Martin recently revealed that the entire Song of Ice and Fire was a fever dream in the mind of one of the watchmen from the beginning of the story, so the attack thought to come from the undead actually came from a cold-resistant bacterium.
  4. Organic food is no longer allowed to be labeled as such, in case people get the idea their apples are made of hearts and kidneys.
  5. A Constitutional Amendment was passed re-defining freedom of speech as the right to say whatever you want to say without any retaliation or suppression of offensive expression by government, businesses, or fellow civilians.
  6. The friendzone has been abolished by law. It is has been determined by Congress that if a woman rejects a man’s romantic advances, she is no longer allowed to respect him or care about him or spend any more time with him than is absolutely necessary.
  7. Steven Mnuchin  was recently fired as Treasury Secretary because anyone with any sense knows that trickle-down economics does not cause long-term economic growth, and anyone arguing that it does has no business running the finances of the United States of America.
  8. Millions of Americans, both men and women, have signed a pact never to remove any hair from their bodies until neither Donald Trump nor Mike Pence is the President of the United States of America.
  9. Mark Zuckerberg is offering a hundred million dollars to the hundred millionth person to post a list of ten bands, nine of which this person has seen in concert.
  10. Donald Trump made a vaguely threatening tweet at Canada on April 25th due to Canada’s alleged negative impact on Wisconsin’s dairy farmers. This is obviously fake news because the South Park movie clearly showed how dangerous it is to blame Canada for anything.

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