Bowser Koopa Pulls Out of Climate Agreement

Bowser “King” Koopa, the notorious megalomaniac and princess-kidnapper, sent shockwaves through the Mushroom Kingdom yesterday when he set fire to his copy of the Climate Control Act of 1985, thus declaring himself no longer bound to the decades-old agreement.

While Mr. Koopa has perpetrated his share of villainy throughout the years, it has always been environmentally conscious villainy. He has frequently used bombs as weapons, but these bombs only affect a small area and cause no noticeable damage after the initial shock of the explosion. The airships which he gave to his children kept emissions to nearly undetectable levels, which was unheard of at the time. And although Mr. Koopa and several of his minions breathe fire, the fire is not accompanied by smoke so the air has remained clean.

Until now.

To those worrying about mushroom clouds in the Mushroom Kingdom, there is no cause for concern. Mr. Koopa cares about his employees—at least the ones he doesn’t place near precipices, on towering treetops, or atop solid clouds despite their inability to stop and turn around at the edge—so the bombs he employs will remain non-nuclear.

One thing which will change is the amount of smoke allowed into the air. Plants which had been engineered to breathe fire will breathe smoke instead, causing some damage to the air but even more damage to Mr. Koopa’s plumber adversaries. These are people who get seriously injured by walking into a slow-moving turtle, even though they are wearing overalls which make it rather difficult for a turtle to bite and break the skin, so breathing in smoke a couple of times could be fatal for Mario and Luigi. Additionally, less eco-friendly airships would not only save Mr. Koopa money, but they would also help those ships achieve their primary purpose, which is destroying plumbers.

Mr. Koopa is undecided about dumping sludge into the water where plumbers might be swimming, since while that would certainly kill his enemies it is likely to kill his minions as well. But he is glad he has this option now that he’s pulled out of the climate agreement, the climate agreement which was terribly unfair because it gave his competition a fighting chance.

He is also unconcerned about potential rising water levels from pollution-induced increased temperatures, since that would increase his chances of killing plumbers via drowning.

Mario and Luigi could not be reached for comment, as they are busy rushing to save the Princess before these toxic deregulations have a chance to take effect.



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