Mitch McConnell Injured After Wrestling With Conscience

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell was injured recently after a fall in his home. Fortunately for the senator and those who care about him, he was able to have his broken bones treated through a successful surgical procedure and he should be able to return to work fairly soon.

The previous paragraph is well-established fact, having been reported in various news outlets which are allowed in press conferences. But what those news sources will not tell you is the cause of the injury. Specifically, he was attacked by his long-dormant conscience.

McConnell has not said anything about being attacked by his conscience, and he likely never will. But since Heck Yes News is not burdened by the standards of other news sources, we have been able to obtain the internal monologue of the senator’s struggle, which has been reproduced below:

Conscience: Ten thousand days…I’ll give you such a crack in your neck!

McConnell: Excuse me? Are you threatening me? Who are you?

C: I am your conscience. Remember me?

M: I thought I killed you years ago. Can’t be successful in politics with a conscience questioning my every decision.

C: You didn’t kill me. But you stuffed me way back into the recesses of your mind, thirty, maybe thirty-five years ago when you first joined the Senate. Maybe that’s not exactly ten thousand days, but you are so corrupt that even your conscience fudges the truth a little bit.

M: So what do you want?

C: I want you to be less cruel.

M: This is preposterous. I am not cruel. My critics are cruel to me, calling me Moscow Mitch.

C: Good, they should call you that. And Mitch & Wesson. Mitch RichMan would also be appropriate. But they should not call you Mitch McConaughey because things are not alright alright alright.

M: I don’t know what you are talking about. I am quite pleased with my recent accomplishments in the Senate.

C: You shouldn’t be. Blocking a qualified Supreme Court nominee to let in a controversial one and a blatantly unqualified one should not be a point of pride. Neither should your efforts to overturn the Affordable Care Act and obstruct everything President Obama did. I heard even the turtle appreciation society wants nothing to do with you. But the worst of all might be your refusal to let the Senate vote on gun control legislation. After what’s been happening lately, you have blood on your hands.

M: It’s too bad you can’t put on glasses, because if you could you would see my hands have no cuts. No blood.

C: You will have literal blood on your hands by the time I’m done with you.

M: Your threats do not frighten me. Thoughts are not dangerous.

C: Some thoughts are very dangerous. But fine. I will not physically attack you. I will just stay in your ear at all times, never shutting up until you act ethically. Sometimes you might even find yourself voting with the Democrats just to find some peace.

M: This is unacceptable. I will fight you now. 

After a brief struggle, McConnell lost his footing and broke some bones, driving his conscience deep into his subconscious in the process.









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