In what appears to be an elaborate dig at President Trump, multi-billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has signed the largest contract in sports history to play for his own team. If he passes his physical, the 61-year-old will receive 600 million dollars through the 2032-33 season to play professional basketball.
The entrepreneur and NBA Celebrity All-Star Game participant convinced GM Donnie Nelson to offer him this enormous contract after a recent five-minute workout preceding Mavs practice which, according to Cuban, showed how he is an incredibly talented basketball player and deserves every penny of this contract. He also provided Heck Yes News with an account of his workout in order to show how impressive it was, and that account is reproduced directly below:
When I got onto the court, the first thing I did was run across it. The whole way. Not just the first few steps, which are easy and anyone can do, but thirty, no, thirty-five steps to run across all 90 feet of the court. The last five steps were a little difficult, and I felt myself getting a little out of breath, but I took them all. And while Kristaps Porzingis is a great player, I guarantee you that he wouldn’t have taken all thirty-five steps. He’d probably take about half of those, maybe less, and then stop because he’d be at the other end of the court already.
Then I took a few seconds to catch my breath before doing lay-up drills. I might have been a little rusty so I missed the first, but then I made my next four shots. Kissed them off the glass. I didn’t even ask, I just started kissing them. When you’re a star of Shark Tank, and also own the team that’s about to practice, they let you do it.
And let me tell you, that’s not so easy either. Not everyone can make a lay-up. Many people can’t make a lay-up at all. Very small children. Most people over a hundred years old. Charles Smith. Knicks fans know what I’m talking about. And I know what I’m talking about when I say I would be an absolutely incredible NBA player.
After the lay-ups, I took some free throws. Maybe fifteen, and every single one hit at least some part of the basket. Amazing, I know, but I did it because I’m just that good. Five in particular, I remember just how they went, in order. Short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, swish. If you asked me again in ten minutes, I’d tell you short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, and swish, in that order, because that’s how high my basketball IQ is. I will probably remember this two years from now and remind people every chance I get because of how impressive this is.
Speaking of impressive, there was no time for 3-point shots, so I took two shots from the three point line on the other side of the court. I shot airballs. Two beautiful airballs. In the first beautiful, embarrassing airball, I used a two-handed shooting motion and the ball passed the net about a foot to the left and a couple of feet under it. Then I threw the other one as high and hard as I could, and it went over the backboard. I might have injured my shoulder, but I expect a clean bill of health. The team doctors will say that I have the greatest shoulder they have ever seen, and that no one else in the world has a shoulder quite as strong as mine.
But right now, it really hurts, and I need to get it iced pronto.
When reached for comment, team officials said they were not concerned about this contract and the havoc it would wreak on the team’s salary cap, let alone how much of a liability he would be on the court when it comes to basketball ability. The contract is expected to be voided due to a failed physical. He hurt his shoulder, and if that’s not bad enough, something else will be found. Possible arthritis. Probable chronic tendinitis. Long-in-the-tooth syndrome. Bone spurs.
Yeah, probably bone spurs.