Tennessee Teenager in Trouble For Witchcraft

A high school junior from Nashville, Tennessee is in hot water after shouting the killing curse at his Spanish teacher on the first day of school. He has not only been suspended indefinitely, but he has also been charged with attempted murder.

The student, whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, is being charged as an adult for his crime even though the alleged target does not want the child to be arrested. Ms. Linda Davis, 41, could not be reached for further comment, but according to law enforcement she is not cooperating with the investigation.

According to sources who were there at the time, the class was reviewing some grammatical topics covered last year, and Ms. Davis asked her student to tell her the first person singular form of mirar, which means to look, in the simple past tense. The student said miró, which is incorrect, so Ms. Davis told this student he’d be losing a participation point, which is worth about one percent of one percent of his final grade.

Apparently unhappy with being punished for misremembering a verb conjugation so early in the year, the student picked up his pen and shouted “avada kedavra,” which is known as the killing curse. Ms. Davis was unharmed, possibly since she picked up her own pen and shouted “expelliarmus,” after which the student lurched back as if thrown by magical force and almost the entire class laughed for about three seconds before getting back to the lesson.

Not everyone was laughing, however, and one student told the principal after class, who in turn told the superintendent, and the superintendent was not laughing. Witchcraft is no laughing matter. Even the suspicion of witchcraft has cost lives in the past, and the way things are going it could easily happen again. And when it is violent witchcraft instead of the more mischievous variety, then it could be met with the full force of the law. Which is currently no force at all, as long as judges are not totally incompetent, but sometimes they are.

Not only is the student in trouble for this incident, but Ms. Davis has been put on administrative leave due to her own apparent use of witchcraft. Even though it is believed her quick thinking saved her from certain death, the seven-volume spellbook disguised as a young adult fantasy series is not to be allowed in this school district under any circumstances. A good guy with Harry Potter could stop a bad guy with Harry Potter, but more likely they will make a mistake and turn innocent bystanders into frogs or worse. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. If a teacher wants to defend against witchcraft, it may not be done with witchcraft.

It will have to be done with guns.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff: Making American Novels Great Again

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff, a novelization of reality which has been published anonymously due to fear of Russian retaliation, is about to hit the shelves, and virtual shelves, of all retailers brave enough to have it. Therefore, it has rarely been seen so far, but Huzzah News has been able to obtain a copy for the sake of reviewing this work of semi-literature.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff imagines a world where the President of the United States is a shady businessman and reality TV star who says a lot of ridiculous things. This is not hard to imagine, as it is the truth, but in the world of the novel this president’s nonsensical statements have minimal impact on the political reality of the country, as demonstrated by this short passage from page 452:

The community college conundrum confounded the cantankerous charlatan, who contemplated calling community colleges “calamity centers” on CNN, and since the callous chump cannot question his choices, he confidently called community colleges “calamity centers” while chatting on CNN. Consequently, the correspondents chuckled at the curmudgeon’s quip, since a sound argument is far superior to a snappy sound byte.

Also, Congress rejected all attempts to de-fund community colleges out of hand, since community colleges are necessary and useful for those who need just a little bit more than a high school education, and also for those who need to prove themselves academically before attending a four-year college.  The ridiculous, reddish-orange rambler ranted and raved at his rejection, but this changed nothing because Donald Trump do not change stuff. He just say stuff.”

This is the only passage which will be included in the review, but the entire book is written in a similar style, with ample alliteration. If you are one of the few who is capable of getting tired of alliteration, then this book might bring you to your breaking point, but since most people love alliteration, the populace will probably be pleased with the prose.

The story, all 540 pages of it, takes the reader from the part where Donald Trump is recruited by Vladimir Putin to say stuff which will upset the American people and shake faith in the American political system, all the way to the point where Donald Trump is no longer able to say stuff as president due to fictional circumstances at the end of the story.

Donald Trump Who Just Say Stuff is a challenging read, as it appears to have undergone no editing whatsoever except for a quick spellcheck, but it is the opinion of this reviewer that reading the book is a less challenging and more pleasurable experience, by far, than experiencing the actual Trump Presidency.

 

TotesReal Book Review: More Sexy Words From SexWords

Book, Glasses, Wine Glass, Wine

Some might find the new book by Amanda Sexwords too hot to handle.

The Internet – Erotic fantasy author Amanda Love Sexwords is burning up the Kindle charts with her newest release, Neck Romancer 3: Her Neck and the Woods. Kindle charts are rather volatile, much like the situations in this novel, so by the time you check the charts it is possible the book will be nowhere to be found, but for now its performance has been rock-solid.

Magic Mark the Neck Romancer, who is also a necromancer even though he doesn’t put that on his LinkedIn profile, had been forcibly removed from his spacious Gothic castle at the end of the previous novel, Neck Romancer 2: Buttresses and Butterfly Kisses. The authorities were not pleased with his often successful attempts to turn his female visitors into vampire soldiers despite not being a vampire himself, and all the other good Gothic castles were taken, so Magic Mark relocated to a not-at-all-suspicious cabin in the woods.

From his new home in the cabin, Magic Mark is able to meet and seduce numerous attractive female hikers who happen to be walking alone with nobody anywhere near them, which is a perfectly plausible scenario within the erotic fantasy genre. These encounters, which are all described in graphic detail with lots of sexy language, provide the erotic energy required to power Magic Mark’s new diabolical machine, the Transmogrifier.

The Transmogrifier, which has the same name as a similar apparatus in the Calvin & Hobbes comic strips for purely coincidental reasons, turns woodland creatures into intelligent yet fully obedient super-soldiers. These soldiers, if enough of them can be created, will allow Magic Mark to take over the world and enact revenge upon the people who bullied him during high school.

Magic Mark’s steamy encounters in the woods, which are worthwhile in their own right, seem to be slowly bringing him closer to his ultimate goal. But in literature as in life, things which seem simple rarely are simple. This becomes apparent when he falls in love with one of the hikers, someone who isn’t a fan of his nefarious plans.

When Magic Mark falls in love for the first time since the previous book, will he give up plotting once and for all and settle down? Will he perform telekinetic surgery on his own brain so he is no longer capable of love? Will he perform the Macarena nonstop until she gives up and leaves? Will he do something even more villainous? Or something totally different from the previous four questions?

To find out, you will have to read this totally real, not-remotely-fabricated novel by the real author Amanda Love Sexwords.