Next Ninja Turtles Movie to Feature Older Turtles

Amphibian, Animal, Cartoon, Reptile

 

The Internet – Totally reliable sources have confirmed that in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the turtles will not be teenagers.

The increased age of the totally tubular titular characters may come as a surprise, as they are often known for their cartoon depictions, and cartoon characters tend to stay the same age forever. The “teenage” part of the title also suggests they will never grow up, but that suggestion is incorrect. Perhaps they can spend their animated lives in perpetual adolescence, but in the movies, they are no cartoons. So they’re growing up.

The new movie, American Turtle Warriors, will follow the protagonists as they battle Shredder and Krang and other common antagonists, but also their journeys as they deal with the challenges associated with the transition into full-grown adulthood. All of this is rather serious in nature, so to balance all the seriousness the movie will feature a parody of Taylor Swift’s Blank Space from the point of view of MichaelAngelo as he tries to move out of the sewers and into his own place.

TotesRealNews has obtained the lyrics, which have never been seen until now by anyone besides the person who wrote those lyrics, and now the song will be leaked in its entirety.
Wining, dining, candlelight
Pepperoni goes well with all drinks
She said she would spend the night
Took her home and she’s like
“Oh-em-gee Mike what the heck
This smells like a dead skunk’s neck
Gotta go, because blech”

New, sunny, super-clean
Are some things that my abode is not
At least when the roof has leaks
I don’t notice – it’s wet a lot
And hey, there’s no rent
It’s quite a good deal for no dough spent
Here with four of my best friends
After the mutation this is my element

When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
And I got a dank place, maybe
I need a change

No broker, I’m too broke
Turns out Jimmy MacMillan was right
Two K monthly is no joke
Since I need money I will fight
When I’m in the mood
I will toss cheesy food
Ring name will be party dude, oh yeah

Pinning, winning, shell shock slam
Quickly break them like bagels, warmed
Post wins on Instagram
Got them reminiscing like
“Love love love, loved that fight
Almost close one, but not quite”
Now the champ belt is in my sight
I’ll hope I won’t forget to send my friends invites

My kick combo can be nasty
Helps me stand tall though I’m not big
For the belt I’ll face a tag team
It’s a rhino and a pig
As foes they are quite familiar
They’re slow, this should be fun
They are strong but I’m much quicker
Now who gave them guns?

What the heck is this madness?
I have to quit and flee
My conscience can’t stand this
High risk of casualties
Maybe I’ll give up the money
But really it’s okay
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

Guns never should be where it’s crowded
I’m sure of this and this is why I shout it
Guns never should be where it’s crowded
There is no doubt, yeah, there’s no doubt about it
When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Pepe Le Pew Arrested in California

Skunk, Gray, Animal, Fur, Furry

 

The internet – Pepe Le Pew, the skunk who has been terrorizing the same female cat for decades, following her from France to Hollywood, has finally been arrested. He now faces multiple counts of stalking, sexual harassment, and sexual assault.

For years, Mr. Le Pew was given a free pass for his actions, his behavior excused by the notion that skunks will be skunks, or that he’s not a human, but no more. The old stinker is finally going to get his comeuppance.

Several groups, including women’s rights groups and animal rights groups, have been clamoring for his arrest for years to no avail. The Social Justice Singers even wrote a song summarizing the case against him, using the tune of Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars for inspiration, and the song will be posted in its entirety because that’s the sort of thing we do at TotesRealNews.

He thinks he’s Don Juan
The pied piper of love songs
Smooth words,
But got no grace
He’s always
One track mind thinking
Wining, dining
Skipping all that, straight to kissing
Got no hope
And no clue, nope
And of course he don’t have permission

Thinks he’s suave (Le Pew)
But he does things creepy stalkers do
When he farts (Le Pew)
You will say ooh blech like Bartholomew
He’s a nut (Le Pew)
Makes you say E then W
And his butt… (Le PEW)
He’s the bad sort of funky

He’s a clown

No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor

This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her

Run for your life if you see this skunk

Don’t be near when he farts
Don’t be near when he talks
Don’t be near if you’re smart
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all

Cops…why you oughta
See if he’s got restraining orders
Take his prints, grab his tail
Why is he not in jail?
Banned in Paris, Avignon,
And the whole French country
If he sees you, you should watch out
Since this guy is just so skunky

Thinks he’s suave (Pepe)
He’s less high-class than a Chik-Fil-A
When he farts (Pepe)
Then your sinuses want to run away
Thinks he’s smart (Pepe)
He does not have intellibrains
He tries hard (Pepe)
Hard is how she’ll be running

From this clown

No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor
No shame and zero honor

This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her
This cartoon skunk is always hitting on her

Run for your life if you see this skunk

Don’t be near when he farts
Don’t be near when he talks
Don’t be near if you’re smart
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all
Don’t be near him at all

You’ll wanna sneeze
That won’t help you much though

Upwind skunk is yuck
Upwind skunk is yuck
Also downwind skunk is yuck
Skunk is always yuck

They call France romantic
But what he does, well that’s sick
They are creepy weird antics
More maddening than mass transit

There’s no chance she’ll like him
It’s expected she’s frightened
Well now he is a skunk and she is a cat
That’s not why this is wrong
All about it is wrong
It’s completely just wrong
This is weird and just wrong
It is really so wrong
That’s enough of this song

 

This song, and the evidence suggested within it, should have been more than enough to land Mr. Le Pew a court date, but his black-and-white privilege continued to protect him, as he remained free for months after the song was written. However, his inability to control his urges to do what he should not shows that while he is not human, he may be a monster, and recent events showed monsters can be arrested and sent to jail. Even if it is only for six months with the possibility of early release.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.