Copypasta Couple Caught Eating Actual Pasta

Robert and Anna Dobalina, the popular Instagram couple known for their exotic travel photos and their diet consisting of only kale smoothies and copypasta, lost most of their 12 million followers overnight after being spotted at an Olive Garden guzzling bowls of spaghetti with meat sauce. They have since deleted their account.

The Dobalinas made their living primarily by endorsing food they claimed not to eat. A post from several weeks ago had them posing in front of the Olive Garden and writing:

We don’t eat here because we are satisfied with our smoothies and copypasta, but back before we reached nutritional nirvana we loved their breadsticks and pasta bowls. #foodporn #almosthungry #wewerefamily  #vegan# undergroundkaleroad #weescapedfoodslaverysoyoudonothaveto #longhashtagshaha #sendusyourmemes #weneedcopypasta.

Many Instagram users, who believed the Dobalinas were honest and authentic people, were crushed to find out they ate regular pasta and not just copypasta. One user, who asked to remain anonymous due to embarrassment, said she knew writing a bunch of words saying cancer is bad doesn’t cure cancer or tell anyone anything they don’t know. She knows that tomorrow isn’t eternally the day which Facebook switches to the new rule where they can use your photos unless you say they can’t. And yet she would keep posting those sorts of things, making herself seem like a gullible fool, in order to help support her favorite young influencers.

And now the Dobalinas have influenced her, and many others, to lose a little more faith in humanity.

Hashtag sad.

 

Gordon Ramsay Named Apple CEO

The Internet — Inspired by recent statements made by the President of the United States suggesting TV ratings are the most important thing in the world, the Apple Corporation has fired Tim Cook as CEO and replaced him with celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

According to a statement put out by the Apple Board of Directors, Mr. Cook had not done anything actually wrong to merit his dismissal. His steady, competent leadership style kept the company successful, but he didn’t bring in the TV viewers. The audience for Apple product launches consisted almost exclusively of people already interested in buying Apple products, not people who tuned in to laugh and cry and shake their heads at Tim Cook’s zany antics, because Tim Cook doesn’t do zany antics. And therefore, the Board of Directors demanded a change.

The new CEO is a reality television star with no significant experience in the technology or mega-corporate leadership fields, but this is not seen as a problem because the US President is similarly unqualified and still gets great TV ratings. It also may have been an issue if Mr. Ramsay had to quit his other job, since he made a lot more money shouting at aspiring chefs and other unfortunate victims than he can expect in salary as a CEO, but this will not be necessary. Mr. Cook is expected to be rehired to do the actual running of the company, while Mr. Ramsay will speak at product launches and other important events on days off from filming Hell’s Kitchen and various other shows in which he has demonstrated the all-important ability to attract viewers.

As CEO, his schedule will not be as busy as might be assumed. This is because product placements in his shows, which will be guaranteed viral thanks to Apple’s digital marketing team, can double as product launches. One possible example would involve Mr. Ramsay berating a flawed kitchen employee, pointing to his new Apple Watch and shouting something along the lines of: “You know what time it is? It’s time for you to f***ing learn how to make a steak. If you do that then maybe you’d be able to get a bloody job and be able to buy this new watch available to the public tomorrow with a lot of great new features, which is something your steak doesn’t have unless you made it intentionally terrible so everyone would get out of the restaurant and wait on line overnight to get the watch before they run out. And I am running out of patience with you, and it’s not like I have a bloody charger to restore my patience like the Apple Watch Charger, which is available for less than a price of an actual good steak, can restore f***ing batteries.”

Except probably with more profanity.

Since the news has been written on the internet, Gordon Ramsay is definitely going to be the new Apple CEO, and this TotesReal announcement is not expected to cause Apple stock to plummet.

And absolutely nobody will be called a sellout for this. Words on the internet have decreed it, and thus it is true.

Famous Hobbit Robbed

New Zealand, The Hobby, The Rings

The site of the robbery

 

The Internet – Bilbo Baggins, possibly the most famous hobbit in the world, is back in the news due to another epic robbery, but this time he was victim rather than the perpetrator.

Mr. Baggins, 110, first gained local and international prominence after hooking up with twelve dwarves on a journey to the Lonely Mountain in order to steal treasure from the notorious fire-breathing dragon Smaug. Since Smaug was considered a villainous figure who came upon his wealth by immoral methods, Bilbo’s involvement in taking the ill-gotten wealth away was widely hailed as heroic.

Due to this public admiration, as well as his association with Gandalf the Wizard from the far West, Mr. Baggins was able to hold on to his share of Smaug’s treasure unbothered for almost sixty years. This changed this weekend, however, when Bag End suffered a robbery unprecedented in the history of the Shire. The celebrated hobbit hole found some of its rooms to be much less crowded due to the removal of at least ten million United States dollars’ worth of jewelry, including all sorts of precious gems and gold and silver and one “extremely valuable ring.” Mr. Baggins declined to discuss this ring in detail except to say that it was “a priceless memento from my travels and very important to me and I want it back immediately thank you very much.”

 

Treasure Chest, Chest, Jewellery, Open

A small part of the stolen treasure probably looks like this

Two members of Bilbo Baggins’ family, Otho and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, were skeptical about the circumstances of the robbery. “I doubt this was a robbery at all,” Lobelia told reporters. “The old fool just wants everyone to think the treasure is gone so he doesn’t have to give it to his closest relatives when he finally goes to the big hobbit hole in the sky.”

Otho added, “We’re his closest relatives. He doesn’t want to give his treasure to us. Unless it’s an insurance scam. It could be one of those also. Who knows? Point is, everyone pays too much attention to him already so you should all forget about it and stop giving him even more news coverage.”

When reached for further comment, Bilbo Baggins declined to respond, as he was too busy blubbering about the loss of his “precious” ring, whatever that means.

 

Ring, Lord Who Rings, Hobbit

What the “valuable” ring is thought to look like

*Update:

During the writing of this article, Gandalf of the West found most of the treasure, intact, on the Sackville-Bagginses’ property. Everything except for the silverware. Allegedly to avoid exacerbating already strained familial relations, Bilbo agreed not to press charges and not to speak of this robbery ever again.

Except for the silverware. He plans on complaining about the silverware for the rest of his life as long as he doesn’t get it back, and the way he’s going it appears he may live forever.

 

Alcohol: Forget What You Heard, It’s All My Fault

Bottle Label, Rum, Pirate, Ship, Funny

The Internet – A large bottle of rum, allegedly belonging to Johnny Depp, has taken full responsibility for the controversy surrounding the actor and Amber Heard.

“I was jealous,” the bottle said. “When Johnny was happy with Amber, he wouldn’t spend as much time with me, and I got tired of that. I told Johnny that maybe he should give his wife a few friendly slaps on the face, give the papers something to talk about so they didn’t forget about him between movies, but he wasn’t buying it. So I went with plan b, which was threatening to hit her in the face myself if he wouldn’t do it, and I’d hit her a lot harder than he would. Plus the broken glass all over the place would be even more dangerous. So he reluctantly agreed to hit her, but he didn’t want to remember hitting her, so he made sure to drink from me so he wouldn’t have to remember. And then, as he let the foolishness flow through his veins, he was even more violent than I intended. But I wasn’t complaining.”

The bottle went on to say this sort of event has been going on for years, meaning the bottle was to blame for many alleged domestic abuse incidents, both in the Depp-Heard household and elsewhere. When pressed about how the same bottle could have lasted for years around someone who seemed to abuse alcohol, the bottle explained how when one bottle of rum in a home is finished, it gets reincarnated into the next bottle with a full memory of its previous lives. They’re called spirits for a reason.

None of the humans involved in this mess could be reached for comment regarding the testimony of an alcoholic beverage.