Work-From-Home Millionaires Praised for Generosity

Cash, Dollar, Green, Money


The Internet – Despite having made thousands of dollars per week in their free time performing unspecified data entry tasks, wealthy internet users continue to spread information about their success on random comment threads, and the rest of the world is thankful for this.

After reading articles reporting the divorce of a celebrity couple, most commenters tend to make statements along the lines of how disappointed they are that the couple broke up, or how much they dislike one or both of the celebrities involved, or how they are annoyed that what they expected to be a source of important information is devoting precious internet space to such dreck. Such comments tend to accomplish nothing except confirm the opinions of those with similar opinions, and produce outrage in those who were likely furious already and looking for an outlet to express their rage. Such commentary is of little interest to most people reading the comment threads, since most people are looking for advice on how they can make hundreds of dollars per day from home without any special experience or ability.

The people who make hundreds per day through totally legitimate and honest marketing channels, and most likely have over a million dollars through doing so for years, do not need to share the secrets to their wealth. In fact, logic dictates they would be better off not telling anyone the amazing-yet-simple secrets they’ve been using to amass such wealth, thus keeping a larger share of the profits, but in spite of this they look for places where they might be needed, and ¬†then they go to those places and share what others need to know to also become rich.

Ariel Pursine, 32, one of the few moms from her area who has yet to invent an incredible trick to make money or lose weight or fix teeth, recently discovered a potentially lucrative website link while reading the comments on an article about a political controversy she no longer cares about. “I am so grateful to this person whose name I can’t remember,” she told TotesRealNews. “I think it might have been one of those names which looks like it can’t belong to an actual human being, but they probably used a fake name because they’re being modest and don’t want their real-life friends to be jealous about how rich they are. Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to go to the site yet, since I’ve been really busy with mommy stuff and Netflix has been coming out with some great stuff lately, but as soon as we finish watching that Queen Elizabeth show I’m definitely going to check the site out and make a lot of extra money for my family.”

Ms. Pursine has not been available over the past few days for a follow-up comment. Nobody who has taken advantage of internet millionaires’ secrets has been reachable for comment lately, most likely because they are too busy making boatloads of money. There are some people visiting Ripoff Report and elsewhere with less-than-glowing reviews of such money-making methods, but since the internet says that these money-making-methods are legit, the ones complaining must be troublemakers who have never tried to make lots of money working from home. That is totally what is going on here.



*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

More Than 99% of People Cannot Read…

Letters, Abc, Education, Bear, Alphabet

This bear, like most people, can’t read…

The Internet – Although such an assertion may be hard to believe, it is totally true! The vast majority of people around the world, no matter how literate they consider themselves to be, are incapable of reading…

They might spend all day on the internet, looking at a wide variety of memes and news stories and minutia regarding the lives of friends and family and acquaintances and internet connections, but the fact remains. Nearly all of them cannot read…

They could be frequent visitors to bookstores and libraries, always focusing on the sections ¬†involving books rather than movies and other things which are not books. They could have print subscriptions to multiple periodicals and magazines, in addition to myriad online subscriptions, and still they cannot read…

They might be fluent in dozens of active languages, as well as multiple dead languages. They might be familiar with Esperanto, and Klingon, and High Elvish, and even more obscure made-up languages, but the truth is still true. The vast majority of people, no matter how diverse their linguistic capabilities, cannot read…

Anyone who is capable of reading…can look at the following passage and understand its meaning without having to consult a translator. The passage will start within ten words. Here it is:

If you can read this, that means you are fluent in Wingdings, but of course you cannot read it because nobody understands Wingdings. That is the entire point of Wingdings, is it not?


There seems to have been a problem. The WordPress blogging software does not allow for the simple copying-and-pasting of Wingdings from Word to the blog-writing window, so there is no Wingdings here for you to be unable to read. But rest assured, if there were Wingdings, you would be unable to read it, as more than 99% of people cannot read…

What’s missing here – what the ellipses represent – is Wingdings. Almost everybody cannot read Wingdings.

The percentage of people who cannot read what they should be expected to read is much lower, but still far too high.

Legendary Clickfish Captured

Fish, Mouth, Open, Large, Big


The Internet – The clickfish, a mythical yet totally real creature, was captured for the first time in recent memory Saturday morning.

While the Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest and the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland may be more well-known, the clickfish of the waters near Silicon Valley is the only such creature to have actually been caught by humans.

The clickfish is relatively large, with its weight most commonly described as “you won’t believe how big it is”, and according to legend its eggs are the best eggs of all fish eggs which exist in the world. Caviar made with clickfish eggs would be the most expensive caviar in the world, not only because of its rarity but also because it would actually taste good. Unfortunately, the elusiveness of the clickfish meant there had been no such caviar for decades, and it appeared there never would be, but this all changed on Saturday morning when a team of fishermen who dedicated the past decade to attracting the thing succeeded in luring the fish into their net.

Besides its scarcity and size, the clickfish is also unique because of its telepathic mating call, in which the male sends messages to the female, making sensational claims about itself. Upon intercepting some of those messages within the San Francisco Bay and plugging them into Google Translate, marine biologists deduced that sending out translated sensationalist headlines from the internet would seduce female clickfish, drawing one near the fishing boat and then into the giant net.

The plan worked, leading to excitement among some of the top chefs in the country due to the possibility of clickfish caviar.

Unfortunately, before any eggs could be harvested, the clickfish escaped back into the bay.

What happened next will shock you. So this totally journalistically sound article won’t tell you what happened, because shocking people isn’t nice.