Hillary Clinton, Accidental Matchmaker

Wood, Wood Art, Wood Carving


The Internet – Love is in the air, sometimes, and even when it isn’t, people still find excuses to get together. And lately, more and more people are being inspired by Hillary Clinton to find those excuses.

One such person is 27-year-old Stephanie Kellerman, who had a mediocre first date which likely would have gone nowhere, but thanks to Ms. Clinton, Ms. Kellerman is planning to move in with 29-year-old Benjamin Janikowski. According to Ms. Kellerman, “Ben, when I met him, was meh at best. We ate at what he said was an established Italian restaurant, and it was a Ray’s Pizza, and he said he was running short on cash so we had to split the bill. He also did this weird thing where he would take some of the cheese off his pizza and roll it into a ball and eat the whole giant cheeseball at once and I was a little worried he was going to choke to death. He also talked with his mouth full, and mostly talked about himself.”

In any year before 2016, Ms. Kellerman claims she would not have even spent the whole meal sitting at the same table as Mr. Janikowski, but the presidential campaign made her reconsider. Just as Donald Trump makes it easier to settle for Hillary Clinton despite the question marks and reports of dangerously careless behavior, the possibility others would be significantly worse makes it easier to settle for Ben. After all, he didn’t show any sign of actively trying to make her life worse, and during the brief moments he wasn’t totally wrapped up in himself he did seem like he cared about her a little bit. If she doesn’t settle, as the election is teaching her, she could end up with worse. Much worse. And it’s too much trouble to find someone who is likely to make her very happy, so she’s holding her nose and sticking with Ben and hoping there won’t be anything problematic about him besides what she already knows about.

So they’re probably getting married, maybe not for a long time, but they can expect four to eight years of a maybe-not-totally-disastrous partnership. Perhaps there would have been better options for both of them, but there could be worse ones as well, and the worse options have to be avoided at all costs.

Even if the cost is as high as a Kellerman-Janikowski marriage. Or a Hillary Clinton presidency.