Mark Cuban Trolls Trump by Inking Deal to Play for Mavericks

In what appears to be an elaborate dig at President Trump, multi-billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has signed the largest contract in sports history to play for his own team. If he passes his physical,  the 61-year-old will receive 600 million dollars through the 2032-33 season to play professional basketball.

The entrepreneur and NBA Celebrity All-Star Game participant convinced GM Donnie Nelson to offer him this enormous contract after a recent five-minute workout preceding Mavs practice which, according to Cuban, showed how he is an incredibly talented basketball player and deserves every penny of this contract. He also provided Heck Yes News with an account of his workout in order to show how impressive it was, and that account is reproduced directly below:

 

When I got onto the court, the first thing I did was run across it. The whole way. Not just the first few steps, which are easy and anyone can do, but thirty, no, thirty-five steps to run across all 90 feet of the court. The last five steps were a little difficult, and I felt myself getting a little out of breath, but I took them all. And while Kristaps Porzingis is a great player, I guarantee you that he wouldn’t have taken all thirty-five steps. He’d probably take about half of those, maybe less, and then stop because he’d be at the other end of the court already.

Then I took a few seconds to catch my breath before doing lay-up drills. I might have been a little rusty so I missed the first, but then I made my next four shots. Kissed them off the glass. I didn’t even ask, I just started kissing them. When you’re a star of Shark Tank, and also own the team that’s about to practice, they let you do it.

And let me tell you, that’s not so easy either. Not everyone can make a lay-up. Many people can’t make a lay-up at all. Very small children. Most people over a hundred years old. Charles Smith. Knicks fans know what I’m talking about. And I know what I’m talking about when I say I would be an absolutely incredible NBA player.

After the lay-ups, I took some free throws. Maybe fifteen, and every single one hit at least some part of the basket. Amazing, I know, but I did it because I’m just that good. Five in particular, I remember just how they went, in order. Short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, swish. If you asked me again in ten minutes, I’d tell you short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, and swish, in that order, because that’s how high my basketball IQ is. I will probably remember this two years from now and remind people every chance I get because of how impressive this is.

Speaking of impressive, there was no time for 3-point shots, so I took two shots from the three point line on the other side of the court. I shot airballs. Two beautiful airballs. In the first beautiful, embarrassing airball, I used a two-handed shooting motion and the ball passed the net about a foot to the left and a couple of feet under it. Then I threw the other one as high and hard as I could, and it went over the backboard. I might have injured my shoulder, but I expect a clean bill of health. The team doctors will say that I have the greatest shoulder they have ever seen, and that no one else in the world has a shoulder quite as strong as mine.

But right now, it really hurts, and I need to get it iced pronto.

When reached for comment, team officials said they were not concerned about this contract and the havoc it would wreak on the team’s salary cap, let alone how much of a liability he would be on the court when it comes to basketball ability. The contract is expected to be voided due to a failed physical. He hurt his shoulder, and if that’s not bad enough, something else will be found. Possible arthritis. Probable chronic tendinitis. Long-in-the-tooth syndrome. Bone spurs.

Yeah, probably bone spurs.

 

Trump Suggests Fighting Hurricane With Honey Badgers

In an early morning meeting about the threat posed to Florida by Hurricane Dorian, President Trump made some unconventional suggestions, including importing a horde of honey badgers to fight the hurricane.

The president, who reportedly spent some of last night watching YouTube videos on his phone, touted the impressive fighting abilities of the honey badger, claiming that while most animals would be frightened of hundred mile an hour winds, the honey badgers wouldn’t care. They would just keep slapping and slapping until the storm gave up and sulked off to Mexico, which is “what Mexico deserves for not paying for the wall.”

Trump also insisted that they only get male honey badgers, since he heard that honey badgers are very nasty and he doesn’t like nasty women.

The others at the meeting told the president they would “look into it,” but when Trump demanded immediate action they had to tell him that they would not be getting honey badgers. First of all, by the time they could fly halfway around the world and pay expert wildlife trappers to capture the honey badgers and then take another long flight to Florida, the storm would have moved on. Or it would be too windy for the plane to land. And no plane would allow honey badgers on it.

But even if they got the honey badgers, the ferocious mammals would not attack the storm. But the honey badgers probably would attack a bunch of chickens and maybe some cattle, and at least one Florida Man would try to fight a honey badger with disastrous results.

Undeterred, Mr. Trump inquired about Kirby, wondering if the video game character was based on a real creature which the Deep State kept hidden all these years. If so, Kirby could suck in the storm, and then Kirby’s hurricane power could be unleashed upon China unless China agreed to favorable trade deals. Trump’s staffers said they’d look into it, and then they said no.

Finally, Mr. Trump suggested using Magic Missile to “attack the wetness.” He clarified that this was a magic missile, and not a nuclear missile like Fake News Axios keeps accusing him of wanting to use on a hurricane, so it would only stop the rain and not kill people. As everyone else at the meeting was lost for words, the president said he was only joking and he was going back to his room to go on Twitter, where his fans appreciate his sense of humor.

If asked about this, Trump will likely say it’s all fake news and he never said anything about attacking hurricanes with honey badgers or magic missiles or video game characters, but who are you going to believe: a non-accredited website which tags almost every post as “satire” and uses meme images to accompany articles, or the President of the United States of America?

Tough call, isn’t it?

Benevolent Russian Oligarchs Helped Struggling Billionaire Secure Loan

Years ago, a famous billionaire needed money. This billionaire was famous for being rich, as well as for some things which should have made family-values conservatives lose all respect for him, but everyone knew he was a wealthy and successful businessman. And yet when he needed money to grow his businesses to become more wealthy and successful, most banks wouldn’t give him the money.

This billionaire’s difficulty securing loans was due to silly reasons like his casino properties kept losing money and so did his poorly-planned vanity businesses, so banks didn’t think he’d be able to pay them back. Just because he was losing almost a billion dollars a year. Of course he was good for the money, since everyone knew he was very rich and very successful, but the banks didn’t know this and so they were firm in their refusal.

This situation looked dire for this plucky billionaire go-getter, but then benevolent Russian oligarchs stepped in to help him out. Purely out of the goodness of their hearts. As billionaires themselves, they couldn’t stand to see another billionaire suffer, so they put their own financial futures on the line in order to co-sign loans at Deutsche Bank for this American billionaire so that he could get back on his feet. For this, they demanded nothing in return.

Almost nothing, anyway. And it was more of a suggestion of reciprocity than an outright demand. Small business favors, everyone does it, nothing for the media to get worked up about. And maybe some bigger favors if this billionaire ever became president, but of course this was never happening, he had no political experience and far too many scandals in his personal life, so why worry about it? Barely even a thought.

As the title says, these are benevolent oligarchs who did nice things to a fellow billionaire for the sake of being nice. And maybe they expected some nice things in return so they could continue being nice and not accidentally ruin their American friend’s life, but that’s just they way good people do business, da?

Hades Requests Next Gods’ Meeting Be Held In Tartarus

Hades, the Greek god of the Underworld, expressed great displeasure at the most recent gods’ meeting about all of these conferences being held either at Mt. Olympus or some remote island controlled by Poseidon, none of which are convenient for him. As an alternative, he requested the next meeting be held underground at his Hades Tartarus property.

Hades Tartarus is by far Hades’ lowest-rated property, and perhaps the most unpopular locale in the world, with 97 percent of reviewers giving it two stars or less, and 90 percent giving it the lowest possible rating.

Tartarus has been widely panned for its insect problem, with roaches spanning in size from fifty pound behemoths to small enough to crawl into any bodily orifice. There are also many bedbugs, which is surprising considering the beds are uneven stone tablets.

The staff is widely hated, with one security guard called Cerberus garnering a reputation for extreme unfriendliness. Guests are also unhappy with the leisure activities, which consist of such pastimes as trying to eat a grape that is just out of reach. Guests also have the option to push a stone up a hill which is too steep at the top to push anything up it, and then the rock rolls down and crushes them, and it’s not really a choice.

The staff has been asked to change the activity schedule for thousands of years, but the only changes are the addition of new terrible things to do, like writing a book which was promised a publication deal and having the manuscript simultaneously combust while handing the only copy to the publisher. There’s also a new one where you’re at a party but all the drinks are toothpaste-infused and the bouncers will attack you if you say any word that isn’t considered millennial slang, of if you go three minutes without yeeting.

Despite the horrible reputation of Hades Tartarus, its proprietor talked it up as “unique” and “a sprawling property with many unoccupied hilltops.” But he could not be reached for comment when asked if he was going to be taking a cut of Charon’s toll, which is expected to be significant when dozens of gods each have to pay a gold coin to cross the River Styx.

Denmark to Sell Greenland to Winner of Global Ninja World Leader Competition

In a surprising turn of events, Denmark has reversed their decision to not sell Greenland to anyone under any circumstances, and will now sell it to the winner of a competition based on the Ninja Warrior franchise. This is based on a source which is about as reliable as wherever Donald Trump gets his information, so heck yes it is true!

In this true thing that will happen, interested heads of government will gather in Copenhagen to compete on a course modeled after those found on Ninja Warrior courses, but much easier so you don’t need to be an elite athlete to finish the course.

It will start with competitors crossing a series of circular wooden boards elevated in the water, each five feet in diameter and about five feet apart from each other. Then contestants will zipline to a landing pad and then jump another five feet to the next obstacle, which is a balance beam. Just a regular balance beam. The world leaders who get through that will put on velcro gloves and use those to make their way across a velcro wall. Then they’ll need to cross twenty feet of water on monkey bars. And anyone who does this will have to run/walk/crawl up a 30 degree ramp to hit a buzzer. Whoever makes it the farthest the fastest will have the right to buy Greenland.

This is not especially good news for Donald Trump. The competition will only run if there are at least ten contestants, and if Trump tries at all he will probably come in last. Certainly not first. Even if no young and athletic heads of state from countries Trump called “sh*tholes” show up, Trudeau will still embarrass him almost as badly as he did while greeting Melania at the G7 Summit.

But there is hope yet. Trump could convince Pence to resign, appoint an older Ninja Warrior athlete like David Campbell as vice president, and then resign on the day of the competition. Because sometimes, sacrifices have to be made for the sake of getting a huge chunk of ice with a few people on it and some mineral wealth.

Then the athletic new president would appoint an actual politician as vice president, win the competition, and then resign. Heck Yes News does not know the political leanings of various ninja athletes, but they tend to be very hard-working and compassionate people, so any one of them would probably choose someone better than we have now.

They will probably also decline to buy Greenland, instead entrusting their successor to enter into reasonable agreements for mining rights, but shh. A certain stable genius does not need to know that.

Baby Jesus Is Crying Again

Things are less than heavenly in the Celestial Plane due to some unwelcome noise, with that noise being the crying of Baby Jesus. The baby, who is the infant form of Jesus and coexists with Grown-Up Jesus, started this violent, tear-filled tantrum about twenty minutes ago and has shown no sign of stopping.

There has been much speculation regarding what has caused Baby Jesus to cry. There is one school of thought which blames the tears on women choosing to end their pregnancies after zygotes have been formed in their bodies, a practice expressly forbidden by numerous religious authorities. Similar people also theorize that the tears might be due to same-sex relationships and marriages and wedding cakes, the first of which is forbidden by a couple of bible verses which are thought to be mistranslated. They might think Baby Jesus is crying due to violent video games or people having too much fun in general, but none of that is true. Baby Jesus does not care about these things.

A different, more liberal school of speculators believes the tears of Baby Jesus might be due to atrocities committed by ICE and within the camps by the US-Mexico border. Or by the numerous cases of police brutality in recent years and the NFL’s continued refusal to hire Colin Kaepernick for what seem to be purely political reasons. Or the terrifying frequency of mass shootings within the USA and the Republican-led government’s refusal to do anything about it. Or the Amazon rainforest burning down. Or the Amazon corporation’s controversial business practices. Or that not only is Donald Trump still president, but deranged populists around the world have been elected to the head of their respective governments. But no, Baby Jesus is not bothered by any of this. Maybe you should be, but Baby Jesus doesn’t care.

Baby Jesus is crying because he is a baby. Crying a lot is what babies do. There is probably a reason, but that reason is not the news. Case closed.

Mean Poet’s Society Rewrites The New Colossus

Since it has become abundantly clear that the Trump Administration’s stance on immigration is grossly incompatible with Emma Lazarus’s poem The New Colossus, the Trump Administration has determined that the poem needs to be rewritten. Not just modified with an extra line or two that doesn’t even rhyme, but fully rewritten.

And since no one in Trump’s orbit has any creative abilities which extend to poetry, except maybe Kanye who would make it all about himself, the Trump team turned to the Mean Poet’s Society to write something which might might be deemed appropriate to be placed on a plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The Mean Poet’s Society was offered 20 dollars and a photo op for their efforts, and instead of laughing at the offer they declined the photo and came up with this:

The tired and poor should stay home and die
Thirst shall be quenched with the tears they will cry
Masses who huddle ‘round here should take hikes
No more roads of gold, soon streets will have spikes
The country’s full – more crowded than Sweden
We will just let those who will succeed in
Who will succeed? The rich and the white ones
The ones Donald Trump thinks are the right ones
For what Trump believes – the hatred he spews
Matters much more than majority views
The evil has landed, and it is us
All who dissent shall go under the bus
Praise to Donald Trump, destroyer of dreams
He laughs at your plight and ignores your screams

 

Trump staffers are currently conflicted about whether this is an insult or an accurate summation of their philosophy. With the difference often coming from how much they bothered to read. But none of them have come to the conclusion that it is both.

 

 

 

Trump Tries To Learn Chess

When Donald Trump makes a seemingly ridiculous statement, or takes a particularly unconventional course of action, his supporters often claim that he is playing 4-D chess. However, to be able to make the sort of moves which would be described as 4-D chess, one would think a person knows how to play regular chess. But can the president play chess?

Heck no he doesn’t play chess! Is there any game more antithetical to the president’s personality than chess? It requires intelligence, and patience, and planning skills, and being able to understand the thought processes of others, and it requires following all of the rules. It is not a very social game, and it rarely gives its players fame or a lot of money or the perks that comes with those two things. He’d much rather golf, so he does.

However, golfing on planes is impossible, so on his way to recent photo ops related to horrible tragedies, one of his staffers convinced the President to try to play chess.

This went poorly.

At the beginning of the game, Mr. Trump tried to give away all of his pawns, saying he liked strong pieces and not these weak little ones that weren’t important and could only move a little bit at a time. Later on, he tried to use his pawns to build a wall around the king, and was upset when told he could not move them sideways or backwards and there would be no wall.

When he first learned about the queen’s diagonal movement, the president was pleased, likening it to “Crooked Hillary.” However, he became less pleased when he found out the queen was the most powerful piece on the board. This led him to place his queen directly in front of an opposing rook so he could “lock her up.”

The president also had trouble with the rule about the king only being allowed to move one space. He said the king was the most important one there and should be able to go wherever he wanted to. He could even go to El Paso even though the community specifically asked him not to come, so why wasn’t he allowed to move where he wanted to? No one told Trump he wasn’t the king.

Unsurprisingly, the president insisted on playing the white side, and made many disparaging remarks about the other pieces. He said his staffer’s pieces were muslims and were banned from going to the president’s side of the board. He said they were illegal immigrants and needed to be deported, and he tried to make his pawns fly around the board like they were ICE agents. Things were said which cannot be printed here, but those things did not offend his staffers because if they were offended by such things they would not work for Trump at this point.

Eventually, the president’s king had no way to avoid being taken, but Trump would not admit defeat. He said he was “treated very unfairly” and that that the staffer’s strategy was “not nice” and “Chairman Kim would never have done that.” The president then told the staffer that he was fired and asked another staffer for a cheeseberder.

Trump Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Dictator of Malicia

The People’s Democratic Lovey-Dovey Not-A-Dictatorship Republic of Malicia is in the news again, this time not for its numerous human rights violations but for its new peace accord with the United States of America.

Malicia is a small nation between Russia and Iran which is often left off maps because cartographers feel dirty even writing its name. Its leader, a man called General Vengeance, has been repeatedly admonished by both Vladimir Putin and Ayatollah Khamenei for his extreme strongarm tactics. Despite this, Malicia has never been invaded, most likely due to its surprising lack of natural resources and treacherous terrain. But no nation had specifically promised to never invade Malicia until today, when President Trump proudly signed the pact.

Most of the media did not cover this event, because most members of the field are afraid to go somewhere that imprisons journalists the moment they are discovered to be journalists. Fortunately, for some reason the Malician Police Squad did not consider Heck Yes News to be a journalistic outfit, so we were able to witness the top-secret ceremony where Donald Trump declared General Vengeance to be his new best friend. Trump also praised the unabashed tyrant, who once sentenced a man to unarmed tiger combat for sneezing near him, for his ability to get rid of the fake news media. Trump also praised the absence of illegal immigrants, and of dissenters, and the extremely low poverty rates within the non-incarcerated population.

The incarcerated population is about ten times larger than the non-incarcerated population, a fact which was not mentioned at the treaty signing.

Despite the sparse media coverage, news of this conference reached several presidential candidates, and Heck Yes News has compiled some of the better sound bites, listed below.

Biden:  Why are you asking me to focus on a country which we pretend doesn’t exist, instead of letting me focus on defeating Donald Trump?

Williamson: The way I see it is, this General Vengeance person is full of toxic energy, and if we as a country let him into our lives then he will poison us. I’m all for forgiveness when it is earned, but until he shows he’s ready to fix himself we should be saying “Bye Malicia.” Get it? That’s a meme.

Sanders: Now listen up. We know that General Vengeance is a very bad person, which is probably why Donald Trump likes him so much. Yes, he got rid of poverty, but this is not the way things should be done. When I am president, I will strive to fix income inequality and other economic issues not by throwing poor people in jail, but by implementing workable solutions which will benefit all the people.

Harris: If I were president, the only way I would have entered peace talks with General Vengeance is if he freed all the unjustly imprisoned citizens of Malicia, decreased the military budget in order to concentrate on infrastructure, and spent at least one year as a third base prospect within the Arizona Diamondbacks organization.

Yang: This is a prime example of the horrors that can occur when a society is denied the potential for upward mobility and trickle-up economic growth. Which is precisely why we need a universal basic income.

Inslee: This pains me to hear. Malicia has an abysmal sociopolitical environment. And speaking of the environment…

Warren: I know you guys expect me to come up with a ten-point plan to fix the Malicia situation, but I’m kinda busy right now. I’ll get you three points in a day or two.

Mayor Pete: (Unintelligible noises. Presumably, he is speaking Malician.)

Hickenlooper: At least they aren’t socialists.