Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”


Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?


In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.


Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

Candy Crush Saga Classified as Schedule I Drug

The Internet – The popular puzzle game Candy Crush Saga is now considered by the DEA to be a Schedule I drug, on the same level as heroin and PCP, and its illegal status within the United States will take effect in a year or two or maybe five. Several top drug enforcement officials have some business to take care of, and when that’s finished the game is going to be banned forever, or at least until new levels are released.

While there is no question that the game is addictive, there is considerable doubt about whether it is a drug. But it is a drug. A drug is defined, according to vague memory of the official definition of the term, as something which is not food that enters the body and affects brain chemistry. Candy Crush Saga is, of course, not a food. Despite the pervasive presence of various candies, any attempt to eat the game will result in cracked teeth and cracked screens or worse, and it has zero nutritional value. But it does enter the body. It goes directly from screen to brain and stays there, changing the brain so visions of candy combinations remain even after eyes are closed, creating urges to go back to the game even when it was time to go to sleep a while ago.

So it is a drug, but skeptics might doubt that it belongs in Schedule I, where you’d find some of the most dangerous drugs in the world and marijuana. It belongs there, however, as will be proven by the paragraphs below.

The first criterion for inclusion in Schedule I is a high potential for abuse, which certainly applies to Candy Crush Saga. It’s called Candy Crack for a reason, although it might be more accurately compared to heroin due to the way it can gradually and insidiously become such an essential part of someone’s life that they find themselves spending more and more money just to get back to that moderate high of completing another level. No matter what established drug it is most analogous to, Candy Crush Saga can easily make someone start using it so often that they start sending requests to people they barely know, on a daily basis or even more frequently, just so they can keep playing. This is a far cry from the occasional diversion which a freemium game is allegedly supposed to be.

The second criterion is that it doesn’t have any acceptable medical use. Maybe it would be acceptable for Dr. Bornstein to prescribe Candy Crush Saga to Donald Trump in order to distract him from making dangerous statements and policies, but Mr. Trump likely lacks the attention span to play long enough to get addicted. It could be prescribed for boredom, but boredom is not a clinical condition except as a manifestation of depression, and persistent losing at Candy Crush Saga could make depression worse. Additionally, getting fired due to abusing the game could lead to more boredom, so no competent doctor should be expected to prescribe Candy Crush Saga as treatment for anything.

The third criterion is that there aren’t any safety standards for medical supervision while using the drug. Of course there aren’t any such standards, because there will be no medical supervision while using the drug called Candy Crush Saga. Any medical professional asked to provide such supervision is likely to shake his or her head and go elsewhere to tend to a patient in need of tending. And then the Candy Crush user will be free to use the drug unsafely, potentially causing eye and thumb and wrist damage as well as running the risk of forgetting about important biological necessities such as eating actual food, and there are also risks associated with sending impatient people incessant requests for more lives and access to subsequent episodes. Lots of danger from a dangerous drug.

Due to the immense danger associated with Candy Crush Saga, it will eventually be controlled as tightly as heroin. Just as soon as a few people in the DEA do the things they need to do.



Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Weretree Epidemic Spreads Among Stoners

Plant, Tree, Tree Planting, Nature

Turns out you are what you smoke – at least temporarily – if what you smoke is marijuana.

Phytomorphic activity, which should be the term for turning into trees even though spellcheck doesn’t recognize it, has been on the rise, and the cause appears to be frequent marijuana use. One frequent marijuana user, who asked to be identified only as Joe, managed to not turn into a tree for long enough to discuss his experiences.

“I smoke a lot,” he said, as if we didn’t already know. “I smoke so many trees that I often felt that I was one with the trees. But I never really thought I would be one of the trees until I became one. When it first happened, I thought maybe I was just really high, but it turned out I actually was really high because my trunk was like fifty feet tall and if I still had eyes then I would have been able to see for miles, but I still kept some of my personness so I knew what I was and I could feel and sense things. And when you think of flashbacks you usually think of a different drug, but I was flashing back to tenth grade math class. Geometry, ha-ha. I swear that was the funniest thing ever yesterday, which was the last time I was a tree, and when you leave I’m going to do it again.”

Marilyn Washington, 46, whose  22-year-old son Michael lives with her because of the difficulty of paying for a drug habit while also paying rent, confirmed the existence of the epidemic from a sober person’s perspective. “It was dinnertime, and Mike was off from work that day so he was in his room doing that thing that he does, so I call up to him saying there’s fish and potatoes on the table, and usually when he hears that he comes running right down because that’s his favorite, but this time there was no response. So I go up and knock and he still don’t answer, so I take a deep breath and open the door and there he is with his bottom in his chair and his bottom is a bunch of roots because he turned into a tree. He’s a skinny boy, so he’s a skinny tree, going from his chair all the way out the open window. Let me tell you, I almost wanted to get high myself to forget seeing that, but I’m a grown adult now and I can’t be doing that no more, especially if it makes you turn into trees now.”

While Mike Washington eventually changed back into his human self with no permanent damage, Chris O’Connor wasn’t so lucky. The high school senior turned into a tree right in front of his family’s front door, and, not realizing what was going on, his father took an ax from the garage and started chopping.  After a couple of strokes, Chris O’Connor stopped being a tree and became a kid with a terrible leg injury which will leave permanent scars. According to doctors, if Mr. O’Connor swung the ax one more time then his son would have had to have had his foot amputated.

When reached for comment, Chris O’Connor said he would definitely turn into a tree again, but next time he would try to do it somewhere more convenient so no one would try to chop him down.