Demogorgon Ban Passes House Along Partisan Lines

The United States House of Representatives voted 230-190 Friday afternoon to officially ban private demogorgon ownership and use within the USA. This vote, which will not be covered by the traditional media because they are not comfortable talking about demogorgons, was the last congressional vote until after Labor Day and it was decided largely along partisan lines, with most Democrats supporting the ban and most Republicans against it.

This bill outlined the various reasons why demogorgons are good for nothing except causing death and destruction and unbearable misery, and thus should not be allowed within the civilian population as weapons or otherwise.

First of all, they are impractical weapons for home defense. One reason for this is they need to be kept safely locked away when your home is not being invaded, so by the time you retrieve the weapon it may be too late. Additionally, they are highly unreliable weapons which may be just as likely to destroy your home as they are to hit the intended target.

The impracticality of using demogorgons as hunting weapons was also emphasized. Even if they attacked the animal they were supposed to, it would not be a clean kill. There would be large, inconvenient holes in the carcass, making it unfit for human consumption or hunting lodge walls.

And while this is more difficult to prove, it seems that having demogorgons around changes people. Possibly turns their whole personalities upside down. Those who normally would not have the courage to attack others, and possibly wouldn’t even have the desire to hurt anyone without demogorgons around, seem to turn into vicious and violent monsters thanks to the accessibility of these weapons.

The combination of these reasons was enough for the Democrats and a handful of Republicans to vote for a demogorgon ban. But most Republicans were not convinced.

One large faction, led by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that games, mostly video games, were the reason for the attacks and not the demogorgons themselves. One year they attacked in connection with a Dungeons and Dragons game, which is not a video game but still involves a lot of violence and is therefore not safe. Then the next year the killings were connected to an arcade, which is obviously full of video games. Then it was at a mall with video games inside of it. Therefore, the problem is with violent games and not demogorgons so there is no need to ban demogorgons.

Rep Steve Scalise, who survived a demogorgon attack not long ago, also came out strongly against the ban. He said that the only way to stop a bad guy with a demogorgon is a good guy with a demogorgon. This was countered by the fact Dustin Henderson was a good guy with a demogorgon and that wasn’t helpful, which prompted Mr. Scalise to reply that this was only because Dustin Henderson was a child who wasn’t trained in proper demogorgon use. This resulted in several head-desk collisions.

Also strongly against the bill was Louie Gohmert, who had this to say:

 Everyone is so upset about the demogorgon killing Sam Gamgee. He called himself Bob Newby but we know who he really was. He was an illegal immigrant who deserved what he had coming to him. How do you even cross the border from Middle-Earth to regular Earth? Not legally, I can tell you that. And not only was he illegal, but he was a cheater who abandoned Rosie Cotton and didn’t even tell Joyce that he was married. And I’ll tell you another thing: that Eleven girl acts like she’s possessed by the devil. She didn’t get those powers from Jesus. He walked on water, he didn’t push the whole sea into Egypt. So if she’s against the demogorgons then I’m on whatever side she ain’t.

 

He kept going for a few minutes after that, until Speaker Pelosi finally cut him off and held the vote.

The follow-up vote is scheduled to take place in the Senate when Congress reconvenes, but it is not expected to pass, as over half the Senate is believed to be controlled by the Mind Flayer.

 

 

Monarch Facing Criticism for Dragon-Focused Agenda

King Veritas, the previously beloved monarch of the real nation of Farmtopia, is facing vicious attacks from the Farmtopian media for neglecting other aspects of government in order to focus on the dragon which has been ravaging the countryside.

While some criticism is the mildly constructive variety, other media outlets are outright demanding the overthrow of King Veritas. This includes the Farmtopia Furor, whose editor Ragey McAngerson wrote this in the op-ed section:

Down with Veritas! We have no room for Veritas in this country anymore, not with the one-sided policy he’s been pushing of late. He cares not for the people, and therefore he cares not for the nation. He has mentioned no plans for boosting the economy in recent weeks, or for educational reform, or even to build an affordable hospital so this poor journalist can deal with the sneezing fits which ruined the first draft of this essay.

No, he is not concerned with such pressing issues at all. All he cares about is the dragon. Veritas, and Parliament as well, just keep yapping on all day about burned crops and terrified villagers without an ounce of thought about how to get more money for the non-burned crops in foreign trade, or even how to deal with the emotional health issues which a lot of the peasants have all of a sudden for some reason. It’s just all dragon, all the time, and one can’t help but wonder if Veritas would have anything to say at all if it weren’t for the dragon.

Maybe the dragon should be king instead of Veritas. Sure, its only plans right now seem to be burning the countryside which is full of thatched-roofed cottages due to Veritas’ lax attitude on housing improvements, and taking young women out of their homes, but perhaps if we gave the dragon a real chance for four to eight years and listened what he had to say then he would prove himself to be a great and worthy leader.

Veritas had his chance to prove himself, and Veritas has failed.

When reached for comment about this editorial, not-yet-deposed King Veritas shouted “Stop talking to me! Don’t you see it? Stop writing things down and grab a weapon and kill it! I’d do it myself, but I’m the King, and we can’t have kings getting themselves killed by dragons, can we? But no big loss if the media does it.”

This shouting most likely took place because King Veritas does not understand technology and thought the phone call was shouting from another room. Very little is understood about technology in Farmtopia, which is a real country being attacked by a real dragon and totally not a metaphor for current events.

Real Article About Donald Trump’s Accomplishments As President

Beach, Sea, Reefs, Sand, Great Britain

This wall is so great, I can tell you that. It keeps all the sea monsters from coming onto the land, and mother nature paid for it.

Donald Trump recently complained on Twitter about the fake news media not talking about his accomplishments as president, but luckily for him TotesRealNews is real news. Therefore, unlike award-winning fake news organizations which seem more concerned with his problems than his achievements, TotesRealNews can and will report about some of the high points of the first two hundred days of President Trump.

The Gorsuch Confirmation

When Donald Trump became president, there was a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Antonin Scalia died suddenly on a hunting trip about a year earlier, and Barack Obama could not replace him. According to sources, this was Obama’s fault because he was incapable of not being hated by the Republican-controlled Congress and therefore this legislative body refused to permit confirmation hearings for Obama’s nominee. So Merrick Garland, an impeccably qualified and ideologically moderate federal judge, could not get onto the court and it was totally Obama’s fault, and then Obama didn’t even bother to appoint another potential Supreme Court Justice for Congress to reject.

After about a year of nothing happening on the Supreme Court front, Donald Trump became president and was elected as a Republican so the Republican-controlled Congress didn’t insist on blocking anyone he nominated. Then Donald Trump could have not bothered to nominate anyone, as has been the case with other vacant government positions. He also could have nominated himself, or Ivanka, or Ted Nugent, but he listened to advice and picked an actual judge with reasonable qualifications although maybe not such reasonable political views. After the nomination was made, Mitch McConnell saw that Donald Trump is not Obama and therefore allowed confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch, who was confirmed by a totally overwhelming mandate of 54% of the Senate.

This was one of President Trump’s greatest achievements, but he had others.

Has Not Wrecked Economy Yet

In the first 200 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, the stock market has continued to rise and employment numbers have gone up as well.This has not resulted in an across-the-board increase in wages, and at least one governor is trying to lower the minimum wage without any objection from Donald Trump, but rising Dow Jones and employment numbers are a positive development. Granted, the economy tends to change slowly and these numbers are believed by those who understand economics to be the result of policies enacted by the Obama Administration, but Donald Trump still managed not to ruin everything yet, which is something.

Trump, with the help of a complicit Congress, possibly could have gotten a law passed raising corporate taxes to 100% for any company which contributed to any campaign for a Democratic candidate. That would have crashed the economy quickly, but he didn’t do that. He also didn’t fire Steven Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary and replace him with Lindsay Lohan. Nor did he send out a series of tweets praising Russia’s communist tradition and promising harsh penalties for any company daring to make a quarterly profit of more than one percent.

Due to Donald Trump not totally destroying Obama’s economic momentum, the economy is not currently a total disaster, so that’s somewhat of an accomplishment.

Cracking Down on Gangs and Terrorists

The fake news media might assert that all recent presidents have done this, and maybe they are technically telling the truth, but Donald Trump talks about it more which means he’s doing a better job at it. The critics and the haters, of which there are many, worry that the heavy-handed anti-terrorism strikes might actually be a powerful recruiting tool for the terrorists, and they also show concern that the MS-13 hullabaloo is more about xenophobia than safety, but even if they are correct, Donald Trump is still promising action and taking it.

So there.

The Trump Administration is doing something which at least on the surface is a successful initiative. That should hush the critics who say Trump has done absolutely nothing in almost seven months, but even if it does not, the critics should be aware that there are even more accomplishments.

Deporting a Bunch of People

The deportation numbers might be even stronger than the employment numbers. And deportation helps unemployment as well, because it is impossible to be unemployed in the United States when you’ve been deported from the United States. The ICE, with help from volunteer services by right-wing activists, has helped kick lots and lots of people out of the country. Some of those kicked out have been actual criminals, and others have done nothing wrong except failing to have the proper paperwork.

Paperwork is important. Unless you are the President and your nosy enemies are insisting upon looking at your tax returns, producing paperwork is an essential aspect to being a law-abiding resident of this country. Therefore, according to this totally sound logic, those who claim to be victims of bureaucratic dysfunction or exorbitant filing fees are actually just victims of their own failure to file paperwork and the deportation of such people is an important accomplishment which Donald Trump is totally justified in being proud of.

The related goal of building a wall to keep illegal immigrants out hasn’t quite gone as planned, but no one is perfect, right? And while imperfect, Donald Trump has moved closer to this ideal with the next, less publicized, accomplishment.

Not Posting Game of Thrones Spoilers

There have been leaks all over the internet regarding plot points of the popular television series Game of Thrones, but none of these leaks have come from Donald Trump. In the tens of thousands of social media posts which Mr. Trump has unleashed upon the internet, it is believed that zero of them include any sort of spoilers about Game of Thrones. If all your Game of Thrones knowledge came from Donald Trump’s social media posts, you might believe that Jon Arryn is still alive and well, or at least as well as an old man can be with the lack of advanced health care services available in Westeros, except you might not have any idea who Jon Arryn was because you would know nothing about Game of Thrones.

While Donald Trump may have spoiled a lot of things, the first and foremost being November 9th for the majority of American voters, he has not spoiled Game of Thrones for anybody, and for that he should be commended. This might have been his greatest accomplishment if not for the next one:

Ridding the World of the Unicorn Menace

While Donald Trump Jr. has gotten most of the press for his hunting exploits, Donald Trump Sr. is actually the more accomplished hunter. If words on the internet are to be believed, President Trump’s hunting may have actually saved the world. Because he killed all the unicorns.

The doubters and the cynics might say there are no unicorns, and they’re correct now, but only because of the heroics of Donald Trump. It is a little-known fact that the woods within the Mar-a-Lago golf course contained unicorns, and those unicorns were getting stronger and more numerous by the year. According to unicorn experts, they would have been strong enough to leave the woods and challenge humans for American supremacy by 2020. Which is why Donald Trump had to kill them. For the sake of the people.

Since most people are not unicorn experts, most people do not know how difficult it is to kill a unicorn. Unicorns have extremely durable skin which cannot be damaged by gunfire or regular fire or basically anything else which humans use to kill each other. The only thing which kills a unicorn is a noogie from a world leader. The display of power literally kills them. This is a 100% effective strategy, but it had never been tried before. Donald Trump just knew how to kill unicorns by using the very good brain of his and by consulting unicorn experts, and this knowledge was why he bought the land which became Mar-a-Lago, and the true reason why he absolutely had to become president, even if he had to collude with Russia to win the electoral vote.

Once he became president, Trump’s true work was at the “Winter White House,” and this is the reason for his myriad golfing trips there. His golfing partners would be sworn to secrecy every time Donald Trump hit a ball near the woods, because after that happened Donald Trump would pick up the ball and walk into the woods alone, which is unconventional golf play even by Trump standards. Then the president would search for a solitary unicorn, since the plan would be extraordinarily dangerous if multiple unicorns were present, and then he would immobilize the unicorn temporarily by throwing the golf ball at its horn. If the ball missed, Trump would scurry out of there and claim he lost the ball, but if it made contact then the unicorn would be paralyzed for about a minute, giving Donald Trump ample time to administer the noogie and recover the ball and carry the ball back to the fairway, because anyone who just killed a dangerous horned beast deserves a decent lie.

Mr. Trump did this dozens of times throughout the first 200 days of his presidency, until all the unicorns of Mar-a-Lago, and therefore all the unicorns of the world, had been eradicated. It was hard work, but it had to be done, and Donald Trump was the only man who could do it. He could not admit to doing this, because the American people are not yet ready for their president to admit to killing unicorns, but what was done has still been done.

Even if Donald Trump doesn’t accomplish anything else in his remaining time in office, the unicorn slaying alone makes him one of the most heroic presidents of all time.

TotesReallyHeroic.

 

100% True Spoilers From This Week’s Game of Thrones

Millions of people will be tuning in to HBO tonight to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones, this being the seventh season of the epic fantasy series. And since the show has caught up to the books in terms of narrative, it is especially difficult to predict what happens next. The suspense could be overwhelming, and in order to potentially lessen dangerous feelings of plot-related anxiety, Totes Real News has obtained five important plot elements of the season premiere and these spoilers are now on the internet for everyone to read.

Tyrion Lannister Grows About a Foot Taller

It tuns out that while Tyrion was biologically destined to be short, he wasn’t supposed to be that short. Tywin’s abuse of his son, stemming from resentment over Tyrion’s mother’s death, was more extensive than even Tyrion had realized. Every time Tywin saw Tyrion sleeping alone as a teenager, Tywin applied an ointment to Tyrion’s skin. This ointment became invisible within minutes, but had long-lasting effects on Tyrion, with the primary result being stunting Tyrion’s growth. Tyrion eventually learned about the ointment from Jaime, and during a lull in events Tyrion consulted with a sorceress to stimulate his growth hormones and allow him to reach his natural height. He also looks younger now, since the ointment caused some premature aging, and he is now portrayed by Elijah Wood.

Ned Stark is Not Dead

Everyone watching the show, or reading the books, was sure Ned Stark had ceased to be alive. Trustworthy people, or at least as trustworthy as anyone can be in Westeros, saw the beheading. People can come back from some pretty serious injuries despite the lack of modern medicine, but no one has ever been beheaded and returned as a fully living person.

But Eddard Stark was never beheaded. He saw trouble coming the moment he heard of Jon Arryn’s death, and then he went searching for an actor who played him in mummer’s farces because this actor looked almost exactly like Ned Stark. With a little coloring of the hair and a couple of extra pounds, this man could pass as Ned Stark. So Ned went into hiding, paying this actor quite well to pretend to be Ned Stark, and the actor used such strong method techniques that he ended up being executed as Ned Stark. But Ned Stark, who told no one of this plan lest they ruin it, was not actually dead, and season seven sees him return and struggle to explain himself to any potential allies he can find.

Cersei Lannister Sees a Therapist

Cersei Lannister comes to realize that if she keeps acting the way he does, the rest of Westeros is finally going to agree on something, with that something being the necessity of banding together to destroy Cersei Lannister. So she spent the time between seasons consulting with a maester who specializes in mental health counseling in order to try to figure out how to control her urges to be irredeemably power-hungry. She hasn’t stopped being a terrible person in tonight’s episode, but she makes a little progress.

Jon Snow Goes on a Game Show, Loses

Jon Snow is picked as a contestant on the new game show “Westero Celebrities: Do They Know Things? What Do They Know?” and it doesn’t go well for him. Not only does he fail to recall basic Westerosi history involving the exploits of Bran the Builder, but he cannot recall the previous Lord Commander of the Watch. Jon Snow truly knows nothing.

Or perhaps he let his opponents win for a reason. You’ll have to watch later episodes, or read later spoilers, to find out.

Drogon Kills Daenerys Targaryen with One Hot Breath

In an episode full of shockers, this is the shockingest shocker. The Mother of Dragons is dead now, killed by her own “child.” Everyone seemed to expect her to keep playing the Game of Thrones until the very end, as she was seen as the fire in the Song of Ice and Fire, but nope. She’s dead now. No more Khaleesi.

But this was just a hastening of the inevitable. Winter is coming, and while Dany was equipped to deal with a lot of things, she was never ready for winter.

 

Update: Rumor has it that some, if not all, of these events failed to come to pass, but if that is the case the reason is because the producers were so devastated by the outing of their secrets 15 minutes before air time that they aired an alternate version of episode one where other things happened.

 

Cavaliers to Clash With Warriors in Epic Game of Hoops

The Cleveland-based alliance called the Cavaliers, led by representatives from House James and House Love and House Irving, is set to battle a similar alliance of Oakland-based houses tonight at 9 PM Eastern Westerosi time. The battles shall number anywhere from four to seven, and the winner shall choose a champion to sit atop the Iron Hoop.

For the duration of the past year, King LeBron James of House James has sat on the Iron Hoop, but not often. Sitting on the Iron Hoop is rather inconvenient for myriad reasons. Firstly, ascent is a challenge, as ten feet separate ground from rim, and it is considered poor form to use ladders or other climbing devices. The climb requires significant strength, as one must first jump and grab the rim and then pull oneself up several feet in order to achieve the sitting position. Once up there, eating is difficult and sleeping more so, and none have ever led a squad to victory while also sitting on the Iron Hoop. Yet no honor is more coveted than the right to sit atop the Hoop, and it is for this honor that the Cavaliers of Cleveland travel to Castle Oracle in order to defend their supremacy against the Warriors of Golden State.

The Warriors, who suffered a narrow and bitter defeat in last year’s quest for the Iron Hoop, may be stronger this year than last. Led by Lord Steph Curry of House Curry, whose father Ser Dell Curry also played the Game of Hoops at a high level although he never touched the Iron Hoop, these Warriors have emerged victorious in thirteen consecutive battles, often against some of the most skilled hoop knights in the world. The primary reason why these Warriors are so intimidating is the addition of Ser Kevin of House Durant, formerly Lord Kevin Durant of Castle Chesapeake Energy, who many see as having betrayed Lord Russell of House Westbrook in forming a partnership with Lord Steph. But betrayals are common in the Game of Hoops, and now the combined shooting and slashing skills of Lord Steph, Ser Klay Thompson, Ser Draymond Green, and Ser Kevin Durant may be unparalleled in all the land.

Intimidating as they may be, the Warriors still face a worthy opponent in the Cavaliers of Castle Quicken Loans. LeBron James, who was called King James even before being crowned because of what some consider a clever jape involving his name and a holy book, is one of the most powerful and talented hoop knights to ever play the Game. And Ser Kyrie Irving, also known as Kyrie Landbound due to his fear of sailing off the edge of the world, is quick with his movement and deadly with his shots, and also makes the knights around him better. Also with this group is Ser Kevin of House Love, formerly Lord Love of Castle Target, who is known as The Mountain That Shoots Three Pointers because he is a tall person who shoots three pointers with commendable accuracy. These three powerful knights, with the help of some others (not Others), recently crushed the highly regarded Celtics of TD Garden. So the competition should be fierce.

Both groups have clearly been blessed by the Warrior, although the Warriors may have received the greater blessing. None can be certain who will emerge victorious, but a winner will have to be crowned before the changing of the season.

A winner shall be chosen soon. One must be.

Summer is coming.

 

 

Smeagol Gollum Elected to Congress

The Internet – Following a week-long recount, Smeagol Gollum (R-CA) has defeated Democratic rival Sam Gardner by 73 votes in a special election, and will be representing his adopted home state in Congress for at least another fourteen months.

Mr. Gollum had been assumed dead by most people who had heard of him, but clearly he is not dead because being alive is one of the requirements for joining the House of Representatives. What appears to be deadly lava within Mt. Doom is actually an interdimensional portal, so when Mr. Gollum seemed to be ravaged by fire he was really transported to a hole in the time-space continuum eight feet about the water and a half-mile off the coast of Southern California, where Mr. Gollum has made his home during recent decades.

Mr. Gollum has lived a quiet life during his time in California, so quiet that some would say he’s been nearly invisible, supporting himself through bare-handed fishing on the beaches. Despite his relatively low profile, Mr. Gollum has become somewhat of a local celebrity recently thanks to his fish-catching prowess and his unconventional appearance and mannerisms. And thanks to his popularity within the district, Mr. Gollum decided to run for Congress as a Republican.

Mr. Gollum ran on a mostly conservative platform, with his primary campaign slogan being “We hates taxes forever!” He campaigned as a small-government conservative, blasting government aid programs as wasteful and unnecessary. He claimed that if he was able to support himself for hundreds of years without any government handouts then everyone else should be able to do the same.

Mr. Gollum campaigned for a strong military, asserting that there are a lot of bad people out there, and they “Wants my birthday present. When they knows about it…yes, some of them already knows about it, and they will try to take the Precious, so the brave soldiers must be able to keep them far away because the Precious is mine! All mine!” Some conservative voters found this speech unnerving, but pro-military is pro-military so most of them said they would still vote for Mr. Gollum.

He also expressed support for gun rights, particularly his personal right to use a gun to protect himself in case someone tried to take his Precious on American soil. In addition, his campaign speeches often included the assertion that “Nassty womenses should not be allowed to kill babies in their bellies, oh no Precious we shan’t have that at all, because we needs those babies to fight in warses to protect the Precious.” This also bothered some conservative voters, but not as much as abortion does, so their votes likely remained unchanged.

Despite his mostly conservative views, Mr. Gollum showed support for environmental regulations, saying “We hates the smokesy air! It burns us! It burns! If we gets the smoke out of the air then we will be much happier, oh yes we will.” He also clashed with conservatives regarding the prison system, calling for mercy for murderers and other violent criminals while repeatedly avoiding questions about why he felt that way.

Despite relatively strong conservative bona fides, and living in a state where a pro-environment Republican could win over swing voters, Mr. Gollum faced an uphill battle in a district which had voted Democratic for more than ten consecutive Congressional elections. And yet he won, so Gollum is in Congress now.

According to many political experts from the internet, the reason why Mr. Gollum won was the weakness of Mr. Gardner’s campaign. The Democratic candidate did not focus his campaign on his own strengths, instead choosing to spend most of the campaign bashing Mr. Gollum. Sam Gardner called Mr. Gollum “a monster” and “probably not even human”, which led to the media labeling Mr. Gardner as a racist bigot. Mr. Gardner also was called ageist after he said anyone who claimed to be hundreds of years old shouldn’t be running for office, and was also accused of intolerance for questioning Mr. Gollum’s sanity. Thanks to these issues, as well as rumors of hiring illegal immigrants which weren’t proven false until after voting ended, many left-wing voters either stayed home or voted for Mr. Gollum.

In spite of Mr. Gardner’s flaws, the race remained close. Mr. Gollum’s lack of understanding of the major political issues, as well as his bizarre fixation with his birthday present, terrified a lot of people. But not enough people to keep him from being elected to Congress.

Traumatic Tollbooth Trip Blamed for Alt-Right Rise

Telephone, Red, London, United Kingdom

Couldn’t find a budget-friendly picture of a toll booth, so here’s a telephone booth instead.

The Internet – A group of extremist right-wing movements with the explicit aim of maintaining or increasing the white man’s dominant role in society, and which are also associated with some other philosophies which have led many to start calling members of these groups White Supremacists and Nazis, have garnered significant media attention lately under the label of “The Alt-Right.” The philosophies of these groups have spread from the confines of fringe message boards to somewhat more mainstream conservative circles, largely thanks to the writings of Milo Yiannopoulos. And according to one obscure psychologist, Milo Yiannopoulos writes what he writes because of a harrowing tollbooth-related experience.

Skeptics may find this reasoning difficult to believe, arguing Yiannopoulos cannot be the Milo from the Phantom Tollbooth because he is not old enough, but these skeptics are wrong. Milo was actually born in 1953, and he received the tollbooth in the mail in 1960, one year before the story of his adventures was published as a children’s book. What neither the book or the story mentions is that the tollbooth came with a cryogenic chamber, which young Milo stepped over on his way into the Phantom Tollbooth. This chamber was provided due to the possibility that time in the Lands Beyond could cause the sort of insanity which would require a lengthy break from what most consider the real world.

At first it seemed like Milo had a positive, character-building experience in the country reached via tollbooth, but soon after he finished recounting his tale to Mr. Juster, Milo became noticeably upset and remained this way for days, and then weeks. Therefore, it became apparent to his family and loved ones he would need to use the chamber to recover, and since Milo waited so long to start recovery he would need to spend thirty years in a cold-induced coma. And he was sent to England so his memories of America wouldn’t trigger his memories of the Lands Beyond.

So he went into the chamber, and his birth certificate was changed to reflect his perceived age and place of birth to avoid inconvenient questions, and when he awoke in the year 1990 he was no longer screaming. He was able to pass as a relatively normal child. However, the chamber chilled his heart, and the scars remained, and these scars shaped his views and attitudes for years to come.

Milo, in his adventures in the Kingdom of Wisdom, witnessed a banquet in which attendees ate their words. Actual words, group of letters, were served on a plate and people ate them. Milo found this gross and disturbing, and vowed never to eat his words again, inspiring him to stick by every statement he ever made, no matter how ridiculous.

The time spent getting stuck in The Doldrums was another formative experience for Milo. He didn’t like getting stuck there, and it influenced him to try to never get bored again. One way to avoid boredom is to spend most of your time antagonizing people through controversial tweets and opinion pieces. Therefore, according to that logic, as long as Milo is not simultaneously banned from all forms of social media, he should never have to be stuck in the doldrums again.

Another experience which affected Milo well into adulthood was a serious of encounters with demons in the Mountains of Ignorance. The memory of the Terrible Trivium forcing young Milo to complete mindless, useless tasks caused considerable psychological damage, and the Terrible Trivium was blue-skinned. Therefore, Milo was left with a distrust not only for people whose skin tone differed from his own, but a distaste for the liberal politics associated with the color blue. And then the Euro-pop nonsense song which Eiffel 65 released several years later heightened these already ingrained feelings.

The final ingredient in this bitter emotional cocktail was the stated reason for Milo’s quest, which was to save a couple of princesses named Rhyme and Reason. In hindsight, this seemed like a rather unnecessary justification for having to deal with Officer Shrift and the Awful Dynne and other nuisances, especially since the Kingdom of Wisdom already had legitimate rulers who, according to Milo, did nothing wrong by banishing upstart underlings who undermined royal authority. Therefore, Milo’s experiences led him to blame women for his suffering, and then later blame them for other things, thus gaining a reputation as a sexist.

If Milo Yiannopoulos were to be asked about the tollbooth theory, he would likely deny it, making claims such as there is no factual basis to these claims and he remembers growing up in England and certainly didn’t spend thirty years frozen, but Milo hasn’t exactly earned a reputation for honesty over the years. No matter what anyone says, the reason for his invective, the reason for the words which are credited for bringing “alt-right” philosophies to the quasi-mainstream, is not that he’s a terrible person who will say anything to advance his career. The  real reason is totally the tollbooth. The Phantom Trollbooth.

 

Famous Hobbit Robbed

New Zealand, The Hobby, The Rings

The site of the robbery

 

The Internet – Bilbo Baggins, possibly the most famous hobbit in the world, is back in the news due to another epic robbery, but this time he was victim rather than the perpetrator.

Mr. Baggins, 110, first gained local and international prominence after hooking up with twelve dwarves on a journey to the Lonely Mountain in order to steal treasure from the notorious fire-breathing dragon Smaug. Since Smaug was considered a villainous figure who came upon his wealth by immoral methods, Bilbo’s involvement in taking the ill-gotten wealth away was widely hailed as heroic.

Due to this public admiration, as well as his association with Gandalf the Wizard from the far West, Mr. Baggins was able to hold on to his share of Smaug’s treasure unbothered for almost sixty years. This changed this weekend, however, when Bag End suffered a robbery unprecedented in the history of the Shire. The celebrated hobbit hole found some of its rooms to be much less crowded due to the removal of at least ten million United States dollars’ worth of jewelry, including all sorts of precious gems and gold and silver and one “extremely valuable ring.” Mr. Baggins declined to discuss this ring in detail except to say that it was “a priceless memento from my travels and very important to me and I want it back immediately thank you very much.”

 

Treasure Chest, Chest, Jewellery, Open

A small part of the stolen treasure probably looks like this

Two members of Bilbo Baggins’ family, Otho and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, were skeptical about the circumstances of the robbery. “I doubt this was a robbery at all,” Lobelia told reporters. “The old fool just wants everyone to think the treasure is gone so he doesn’t have to give it to his closest relatives when he finally goes to the big hobbit hole in the sky.”

Otho added, “We’re his closest relatives. He doesn’t want to give his treasure to us. Unless it’s an insurance scam. It could be one of those also. Who knows? Point is, everyone pays too much attention to him already so you should all forget about it and stop giving him even more news coverage.”

When reached for further comment, Bilbo Baggins declined to respond, as he was too busy blubbering about the loss of his “precious” ring, whatever that means.

 

Ring, Lord Who Rings, Hobbit

What the “valuable” ring is thought to look like

*Update:

During the writing of this article, Gandalf of the West found most of the treasure, intact, on the Sackville-Bagginses’ property. Everything except for the silverware. Allegedly to avoid exacerbating already strained familial relations, Bilbo agreed not to press charges and not to speak of this robbery ever again.

Except for the silverware. He plans on complaining about the silverware for the rest of his life as long as he doesn’t get it back, and the way he’s going it appears he may live forever.

 

Small, Cartoonish, Non-Imaginary Monsters Invade World

Cut, Green, Monster

There are so many Pokemon that one of them probably looks something like this.

 

The Internet – People are advised to stay indoors, wearing body armor just in case, until proper Poke Balls can be manufactured, because Pokemon are real now, and lots of them are unhappy.

The duck is especially unhappy. Stay away from the duck. If you see it, walk away slowly, unless you see it on the verge of tears, which means run as fast as you can so maybe, just maybe, you will make it back home alive. It’s easy to pity the duck, as it is in a state of constant pain and its very existence might qualify as animal cruelty, but for your own safety you should leave your sympathy at home, and leave yourself at home too. Unless the duck is in your home, which means it is no longer your home.

Additionally, the little yellow one with the lightning bolt tail is not The Cheat. It will not make funny videos and it cannot be bribed with pizza. But it can send tiny lightning bolts with its tail, and it will do so if scared, and it is likely to be scared most of the time surrounded by gigantic alien-looking things such as humanity. The hospitals are full enough treating those attacked by the duck, so it is highly advised to stay away from these monsters and their electric jolts.

It is also important to know that some start off as tiny, harmless, cute mini-dinosaurs, and then evolve into giant terrifying killers. This sort of thing happens with many animals, but these Pokemon, which have gone from virtual to totally real thanks to the power of millions and millions of people being obsessed with them, can be more large and terrifying than most, with the terror enhanced by their magical powers.

If these Pokemon existed in small numbers, then it might have been possible to keep them in relatively safe environments where they could slowly learn to trust humanity and ultimately become allies, as was the case in fictional stories involving these monsters. But there are millions, and it appears they have to be captured with actual, not-imaginary-things-on-your-phone, Poke Balls, or they will overrun everything. Don’t say we didn’t warn you that this might happen from playing the game so much. We didn’t warn you, but saying so is counterproductive.

This is not a game. If it were a game, you would be automatically equipped to defend yourself. But you’re not. And don’t even think of trying to shoot them – if they sense that you have any sort of firearm they will sense you are not fighting according to the rules and then they will break the rules as well, which will be about as safe for you as two hours of off-tune karaoke with the duck.

There may be no happy ending for this invasion which you have all brought upon yourselves. But on the bright side, the need to unite against this pocket monster menace should put an end to most of the hostility by humans against other humans.

It might not, but it should.