Trump: I Will Win the Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4th

by Donald Trump, or someone pretending to be him

Sandwich, Hot, Dog, Fast, Food, Mustard

It’s come to my attention that some of the haters are calling my patriotism into question, because I got medical deferments to keep me out of Vietnam but those same issues didn’t keep me from playing sports in college. Their point is dumb. Of course I am patriotic. I made sure to stay out of the war so I could continue being alive so I could keep doing great things for the country and eventually Make America Great Again.

What I said should be plenty of explanation, but in case anyone still doubts me, I will combine two of the most patriotic American things to do: eating hot dogs and winning. That’s right, people, I’m going to enter the hot dog eating contest this year, and I am going to win.

Now some losers might say I can’t enter the contest because I’m not in the eating club that all the other people in this competition are in. No problem. I’ll join the club. First, someone needs to tell me what the club is called and how to get in, since I don’t do research, but after I apply they will let me in the club and let me in the contest because if I’m there the ratings will be yuuge. And they will be even yuuger when I defend my title next year as president.

Other people, and let me tell you these are stupid people, might doubt my ability to eat enough hot dogs to win the contest. First of all, have you seen my head? There may be no face in the world better suited to being stuffed with what Nathan’s is famous for than my face. So I will eat a lot of wieners. I will eat the most wieners. Nobody will eat more wieners than I will.

The last sentence might sound wrong, and frankly a bit gross, if Hillary Clinton said it, but when I say it they are the words of a winner. A champion. And I will be the champion. Who’s gonna stop me? Eric, “Fatman” I think his nickname is, Booker? Fat chance. Joey Chestnut? More like Joey Peanut, because compared to me that’s the size of his stomach and perhaps other parts of his body. Crazy Legs Conti? He’d get trampled by Crazy Brain Trump, which is me. And Matt Stonie is a cheater who I will get disqualified. I mean, he must be 130 pounds soaking wet. No way he eats this much. He’s probably got lasers in his mouth which totally evaporate the food so he breathes out and all the food goes out into the air and no one even sees it happening. Total cheater, just like everyone else I can’t figure out how to beat.

Anyway, I will win. And all the people who love me, and there are many, will try to be like me, and together we will Make America Yuge Again.




Fast Food Kiosks Expected to Work Perfectly, Eliminate Lots of Jobs

Abstract, Barbeque, Bbq, Beauty, Beef

For the millions of people who dread going to a fast food restaurant because of the need to talk to another human being in order to order food, they will no longer have any reason to worry. Kiosks will be made available in all Wendy’s restaurants, with other franchises to follow, totally eliminating the need for cashiers, as machines are flawless and easy-to-operate so there will be no problems.

Philip DeMarco, a 76-year-old frequent patron of fast food establishments despite the advice of his doctor, was thrilled about this development. “It’s really exciting,” he said. “First of all, it’s a change, and I love change. I think all people my age do. Plus, I don’t hear as good as I used to, and sometimes when I make my order and the girl at the counter says it back to me, I’m not sure if she got it right. But computers  always work great and they never make mistakes, so all I need to do is press the buttons and give it my credit card information – which I am very comfortable with – and then I’ll be able to get my burger without talking to anyone.”

Diana Blake, a 34-year-old single mother of three, was similarly enthusiastic. “Ordering at the counter is always such a nightmare,” she said. “My kids are always running around or shouting and sometimes fighting with each other, probably because they’re bored. But now that there’s a kiosk, I’ll be able to make it a game it with them and have them press the buttons for what they want. Only Jayden, that’s my six-year old, the others are four and three, is able to read or even see the screen, but I should be able to lift the other ones up and show them what to press. Should be so much easier than the old way.”

Not only is this good for the customers, but it could also be good for the cashiers. According to someone who asked not to be named or described, “When these cashiers are no longer burdened with these minimum-wage jobs, they will be able to go back to school and learn how to do something which will contribute to society. Perhaps some sort of office work in a law firm, which is so much more important than making sure people get their food, especially now that there are machines to do it for them.”

So there you have it. Lots of cashiers are going to lose their jobs because of these machines, and it’s totally going to be good for everyone.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.