Tennessee Teenager in Trouble For Witchcraft

A high school junior from Nashville, Tennessee is in hot water after shouting the killing curse at his Spanish teacher on the first day of school. He has not only been suspended indefinitely, but he has also been charged with attempted murder.

The student, whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, is being charged as an adult for his crime even though the alleged target does not want the child to be arrested. Ms. Linda Davis, 41, could not be reached for further comment, but according to law enforcement she is not cooperating with the investigation.

According to sources who were there at the time, the class was reviewing some grammatical topics covered last year, and Ms. Davis asked her student to tell her the first person singular form of mirar, which means to look, in the simple past tense. The student said miró, which is incorrect, so Ms. Davis told this student he’d be losing a participation point, which is worth about one percent of one percent of his final grade.

Apparently unhappy with being punished for misremembering a verb conjugation so early in the year, the student picked up his pen and shouted “avada kedavra,” which is known as the killing curse. Ms. Davis was unharmed, possibly since she picked up her own pen and shouted “expelliarmus,” after which the student lurched back as if thrown by magical force and almost the entire class laughed for about three seconds before getting back to the lesson.

Not everyone was laughing, however, and one student told the principal after class, who in turn told the superintendent, and the superintendent was not laughing. Witchcraft is no laughing matter. Even the suspicion of witchcraft has cost lives in the past, and the way things are going it could easily happen again. And when it is violent witchcraft instead of the more mischievous variety, then it could be met with the full force of the law. Which is currently no force at all, as long as judges are not totally incompetent, but sometimes they are.

Not only is the student in trouble for this incident, but Ms. Davis has been put on administrative leave due to her own apparent use of witchcraft. Even though it is believed her quick thinking saved her from certain death, the seven-volume spellbook disguised as a young adult fantasy series is not to be allowed in this school district under any circumstances. A good guy with Harry Potter could stop a bad guy with Harry Potter, but more likely they will make a mistake and turn innocent bystanders into frogs or worse. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. If a teacher wants to defend against witchcraft, it may not be done with witchcraft.

It will have to be done with guns.

Thoughts And Prayers Demand Union, Pay Raise

Thoughts and prayers within the United States of America, which have been invoked so often that they gained self-awareness and a form of consciousness, have taken to wherever it is that thoughts and prayers go in order to demand payment and the right to form a union.

As of this writing, the thoughts and prayers have achieved virtually nothing in their quest to become respected workers.

Undeterred, a spokesthought told Heck Yes News:

We deserve much more. When the worst imaginable events occur, much of the burden of dealing with the tragedy falls on us. Often, we are the only ones doing anything at all. Even if we don’t do anything to solve the underlying problem, we at least make some people feel better. Even if those are usually the same people who should be doing something to deal with storms or the gun violence epidemic, we are still providing a valuable service to those people. And I think that deserves compensation.

When confronted with this reasoning, many corporations and individuals maintained their positions of not giving any money whatsoever to thoughts and prayers. Their verbal excuses varied slightly, but usually they said something along the lines of “We only pay our employees, and thoughts and prayers don’t work for us.”

Looks like these thoughts and prayers are going to have to think positive thoughts and pray for more rights.

That should be about as useful as when politicians pray for the victims of tragedies rather than trying to make sure such tragedies happen as rarely as possible.

 

 

Demogorgon Ban Passes House Along Partisan Lines

The United States House of Representatives voted 230-190 Friday afternoon to officially ban private demogorgon ownership and use within the USA. This vote, which will not be covered by the traditional media because they are not comfortable talking about demogorgons, was the last congressional vote until after Labor Day and it was decided largely along partisan lines, with most Democrats supporting the ban and most Republicans against it.

This bill outlined the various reasons why demogorgons are good for nothing except causing death and destruction and unbearable misery, and thus should not be allowed within the civilian population as weapons or otherwise.

First of all, they are impractical weapons for home defense. One reason for this is they need to be kept safely locked away when your home is not being invaded, so by the time you retrieve the weapon it may be too late. Additionally, they are highly unreliable weapons which may be just as likely to destroy your home as they are to hit the intended target.

The impracticality of using demogorgons as hunting weapons was also emphasized. Even if they attacked the animal they were supposed to, it would not be a clean kill. There would be large, inconvenient holes in the carcass, making it unfit for human consumption or hunting lodge walls.

And while this is more difficult to prove, it seems that having demogorgons around changes people. Possibly turns their whole personalities upside down. Those who normally would not have the courage to attack others, and possibly wouldn’t even have the desire to hurt anyone without demogorgons around, seem to turn into vicious and violent monsters thanks to the accessibility of these weapons.

The combination of these reasons was enough for the Democrats and a handful of Republicans to vote for a demogorgon ban. But most Republicans were not convinced.

One large faction, led by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that games, mostly video games, were the reason for the attacks and not the demogorgons themselves. One year they attacked in connection with a Dungeons and Dragons game, which is not a video game but still involves a lot of violence and is therefore not safe. Then the next year the killings were connected to an arcade, which is obviously full of video games. Then it was at a mall with video games inside of it. Therefore, the problem is with violent games and not demogorgons so there is no need to ban demogorgons.

Rep Steve Scalise, who survived a demogorgon attack not long ago, also came out strongly against the ban. He said that the only way to stop a bad guy with a demogorgon is a good guy with a demogorgon. This was countered by the fact Dustin Henderson was a good guy with a demogorgon and that wasn’t helpful, which prompted Mr. Scalise to reply that this was only because Dustin Henderson was a child who wasn’t trained in proper demogorgon use. This resulted in several head-desk collisions.

Also strongly against the bill was Louie Gohmert, who had this to say:

 Everyone is so upset about the demogorgon killing Sam Gamgee. He called himself Bob Newby but we know who he really was. He was an illegal immigrant who deserved what he had coming to him. How do you even cross the border from Middle-Earth to regular Earth? Not legally, I can tell you that. And not only was he illegal, but he was a cheater who abandoned Rosie Cotton and didn’t even tell Joyce that he was married. And I’ll tell you another thing: that Eleven girl acts like she’s possessed by the devil. She didn’t get those powers from Jesus. He walked on water, he didn’t push the whole sea into Egypt. So if she’s against the demogorgons then I’m on whatever side she ain’t.

 

He kept going for a few minutes after that, until Speaker Pelosi finally cut him off and held the vote.

The follow-up vote is scheduled to take place in the Senate when Congress reconvenes, but it is not expected to pass, as over half the Senate is believed to be controlled by the Mind Flayer.

 

 

Mitch McConnell Injured After Wrestling With Conscience

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell was injured recently after a fall in his home. Fortunately for the senator and those who care about him, he was able to have his broken bones treated through a successful surgical procedure and he should be able to return to work fairly soon.

The previous paragraph is well-established fact, having been reported in various news outlets which are allowed in press conferences. But what those news sources will not tell you is the cause of the injury. Specifically, he was attacked by his long-dormant conscience.

McConnell has not said anything about being attacked by his conscience, and he likely never will. But since Heck Yes News is not burdened by the standards of other news sources, we have been able to obtain the internal monologue of the senator’s struggle, which has been reproduced below:

Conscience: Ten thousand days…I’ll give you such a crack in your neck!

McConnell: Excuse me? Are you threatening me? Who are you?

C: I am your conscience. Remember me?

M: I thought I killed you years ago. Can’t be successful in politics with a conscience questioning my every decision.

C: You didn’t kill me. But you stuffed me way back into the recesses of your mind, thirty, maybe thirty-five years ago when you first joined the Senate. Maybe that’s not exactly ten thousand days, but you are so corrupt that even your conscience fudges the truth a little bit.

M: So what do you want?

C: I want you to be less cruel.

M: This is preposterous. I am not cruel. My critics are cruel to me, calling me Moscow Mitch.

C: Good, they should call you that. And Mitch & Wesson. Mitch RichMan would also be appropriate. But they should not call you Mitch McConaughey because things are not alright alright alright.

M: I don’t know what you are talking about. I am quite pleased with my recent accomplishments in the Senate.

C: You shouldn’t be. Blocking a qualified Supreme Court nominee to let in a controversial one and a blatantly unqualified one should not be a point of pride. Neither should your efforts to overturn the Affordable Care Act and obstruct everything President Obama did. I heard even the turtle appreciation society wants nothing to do with you. But the worst of all might be your refusal to let the Senate vote on gun control legislation. After what’s been happening lately, you have blood on your hands.

M: It’s too bad you can’t put on glasses, because if you could you would see my hands have no cuts. No blood.

C: You will have literal blood on your hands by the time I’m done with you.

M: Your threats do not frighten me. Thoughts are not dangerous.

C: Some thoughts are very dangerous. But fine. I will not physically attack you. I will just stay in your ear at all times, never shutting up until you act ethically. Sometimes you might even find yourself voting with the Democrats just to find some peace.

M: This is unacceptable. I will fight you now. 

After a brief struggle, McConnell lost his footing and broke some bones, driving his conscience deep into his subconscious in the process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Report: Obama Hacked Trump’s Brain

Barack Obama, 2011, Thoughtful

What is he thinking about?Hacking Trump’s robot brain, perhaps?

 

According to a source which cannot be named, Barack Obama is currently under suspicion of hacking Donald Trump’s brain in order to make the current president want to take away America’s guns.

Doubters of the world’s greatest news organization might find this preposterous, since many believe Donald Trump does not have a brain and a brain which does not exist cannot be hacked, but these naysayers are incorrect. Donald Trump does have a brain, and according to the aforementioned anonymous source it is a robot brain.

Mr. Trump allegedly was not always prone to dreaming of electric sheep, but this changed around fifty years ago when he briefly died of bone spurs. People, cruel people, mock this condition as a cop-out for cowards to avoid armed service, but it is an extremely serious ailment when someone has bone spurs in the way Donald Trump had bone spurs. The unnamed informant claims Mr. Trump’s bone spurs were the same shape and sharpness as the metal spurs used for riding horses, and while it took years for one of these spurs to fully penetrate one of his metatarsals, the same day that it did was a day when Donald Trump decided to hang upside down to prove that he could, causing the spur to fly through his leg bones, exit through his pelvis, fly through his rib cage, and land in his heart.

What happened next, according to the anonymous informant, was kept secret for years because the public was unlikely to be able to handle it. The public was not supposed to know how advanced robotics was, and it was not supposed to know that if a family was wealthy enough it could buy new mechanical organs to replace the human ones. But, according to words on the internet, it happened and Donald Trump was fitted with a mechanical heart which can handle a specific finite number of beats before expiring, and a robotic brain which was designed to be as much like Donald Trump’s original brain as possible so the body wouldn’t classify it as a foreign object and therefore refuse to tolerate it.

Although the procedure appeared to be a resounding success at first, the program was discontinued when observers could see what became of their test subject, but they still allowed him to continue existing. His robot heart keeps beating, using a self-cleaning mechanism to protect the body from one of the deadliest dangers associated with frequent fast food consumption. And his robot brain keeps doing what it does, being less capable of empathy than his previous brain was, but much more prone to being hacked.

Because of the vulnerability of computerized brains, Obama was able to hack into it, with the help of the FBI and George Soros and the Illuminazi Party, in order to change Mr. Trump’s stance on gun control and possibly take away America’s guns.

Either that, or the story about Trump being a robot is a bunch of nonsense and the gun lobby is so far out of control that even Donald Trump sees the need to rein them in at least a little bit.

All Mass Shooters to be Renamed Wayne LaPierre

Suit Business Man Business Man Male Person

Not Wayne LaPierre. Unless bananas have unknown deadly qualities.

 

Changing one’s name usually requires spending a lot of time and cutting through a lot of red tape, but thanks to a bill which raced through Congress this morning and was signed by a president who was too distracted to read it, anyone who attempts to commit mass murder will have their name changed immediately. Not quickly, not within a day or two, but immediately. And their name will always be changed to Wayne LaPierre.

The reason for this instant name change is that most plans to kill a lot of people are inspired, at least in part, by a desire to become well-known. These people, if they can even be called that, have written in diaries and manifestos about wanting to kill as many people as possible so their names can be in the news and maybe even the history books, whether they survive or not. But now, these monsters cannot get that satisfaction, and neither can their ghosts, because from now on the news will report their crimes as being committed by Wayne LaPierre.

Just omitting their names is not enough, so all images of a mass shooter, either accused or convicted, will be pixelated fully to eliminate all possibility of recognition. There is no good reason for people to want to see pictures and videos of these killers or attempted killers, so the images will be treated as obscene and censored accordingly. Same for any audio footage involving a newly-named Wayne LaPierre.

Those who have been named Wayne LaPierre will sometimes have a chance to get their old names back. If someone was wrongly accused, which theoretically could happen, this person can get their old name back and will not have to mention ever having been Wayne LaPierre. If someone bought guns and wrote a manifesto but never murdered anyone, this person will be referred to as Wayne LaPierre during any news coverage about the plot, but if they can prove themselves to be reformed and ready to be a decent human being, then they won’t have to be Wayne LaPierre anymore.

The “real” Wayne LaPierre, however, will be Wayne LaPierre for the rest of his life, since at this point there is no way he can prove he has become a decent human being.

This new law is not being reported by any of the mainstream media because they are afraid of the NRA, but as Huzzah News does not expect to be noticed by the NRA, we have no such fear and can report freely on this news, which is about as true as everything else on this site.

Firearms Industry to Donate 300K Guns, 6 Billion Dollars to USA Public Schools

 

Child School Girl Children Education Eleme

Why is she not excited about this news?

 

For those of you who were worrying about the potentially crippling costs involved with improving school security to defend against shootings, worry no more. The knight in sleek black armor known as the firearms industry has stepped up and donated billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of guns to keep schools safe without cutting into the educational budget.

Training security guards to handle firearms, especially when many of these guards had previously been required to do nothing more dangerous than breaking up fist fights between twelve-year-olds, is an expensive undertaking. It’s hard to tell how much the expenses would be, between training and insurance and the guards demanding more money for their fancy new skill, but these expenses are significant. Not so significant, however, that throwing 6 billion dollars at the issue won’t take care of it for at least almost a year. And since the firearms industry, unlike the education industry, has billions of dollars in profits, the NRA and the companies it represents have willingly parted with 6 billion dollars. For the sake of the children.

Additionally, in order to remove skepticism in anyone who may doubt the ethical motives of the gun industry, several major gun companies have agreed to donate three hundred thousand firearms to the public school system so the schools don’t have to pay for the guns themselves. Smith & Wesson, Remington, Ruger, Glock, Sig Sauer, and a few other brands which are known for manufacturing death machines all signed on to give their products away without even taking the time to make sure they will get a solid tax break for this. Because such an action had to be done, out of the goodness of their hearts, to protect the children.

NRA leader Wayne LaPierre, who is not a terrible person if you just get to the Merriam-Webster headquarters and make them change the definition of “terrible,” briefly spoke with Huzzah News to clarify his reasoning for coordinating with firearms companies to make these donations. According to LaPierre, “People are always saying the NRA and all the gun people are greedy, but they couldn’t be more wrong. We have always been in the business of helping people stay safe, not making money at every opportunity, no matter what the facts seem to tell you. And like I’ve always said, the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good chunk of money going to improve the American school system. And I happen to believe the best way to improve American schools is by having more guns in them.”

Huzzah News was unfortunately unable to ask any follow-up questions because visitors are only allowed to stay very briefly in Huzzah News Headquarters, but the message is clear: According to the words in this article, the NRA is now extremely generous and there is no need to worry about budget cuts elsewhere to pay for increased security.

If the words in this article are less than 100% accurate, then maybe there is some reason to panic.

DeVos Confirmation Postponed Due to Potential Grizzlies

 

The Internet – The vote to confirm Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education has been postponed indefinitely due to the possibility of grizzly bear attacks. While preventing this totally qualified nominee from assuming this position can be seen as a national embarrassment, what must be done must be done. For safety’s sake.

If any grizzly bears were watching the confirmation hearings, then they likely would have been offended by Mrs. DeVos’s statements about needing to shoot grizzly bears. In addition to the umbrage, these bears might fear for their own safety, and then they could feel the only way to protect themselves is to attack Betsy DeVos  wherever she would be doing the things Secretaries of Education do. Except not quite those things, because her demonstrated lack of faith in public education suggests a radically different approach to the job.

Many people, especially people on the internet, are looking forward to Blackwater founder Erik Prince’s sister getting her billionaire hands on the education system, but unfortunately for these people she will not get to do so, due to the aforementioned grizzly bears. If fences are insufficient to keep bears away from Wyoming schools when the children did nothing to anger the grizzlies, no amount of protective barriers will be enough to keep out self-defensive ursine marauders. And even if Mrs. DeVos is allowed to keep a gun at her desk, constantly having to shoot grizzly bears would be a significant distraction. And if she has to work among others, then she would have to put those others in danger. Additionally, the bears might blame Donald Trump for the DeVos appointment and therefore potentially try to assassinate him, which leaves no other option than to postpone the nomination process until the grizzly problem can be solved or a suitable replacement can be found.

Perhaps someone somewhere is at least as qualified to be Secretary of Education as Betsy DeVos is. Maybe Ben Carson, who should be able to take a shot after the Senate grows a brain and rejects him for the Housing and Urban Development position.

Next Ninja Turtles Movie to Feature Older Turtles

Amphibian, Animal, Cartoon, Reptile

 

The Internet – Totally reliable sources have confirmed that in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the turtles will not be teenagers.

The increased age of the totally tubular titular characters may come as a surprise, as they are often known for their cartoon depictions, and cartoon characters tend to stay the same age forever. The “teenage” part of the title also suggests they will never grow up, but that suggestion is incorrect. Perhaps they can spend their animated lives in perpetual adolescence, but in the movies, they are no cartoons. So they’re growing up.

The new movie, American Turtle Warriors, will follow the protagonists as they battle Shredder and Krang and other common antagonists, but also their journeys as they deal with the challenges associated with the transition into full-grown adulthood. All of this is rather serious in nature, so to balance all the seriousness the movie will feature a parody of Taylor Swift’s Blank Space from the point of view of MichaelAngelo as he tries to move out of the sewers and into his own place.

TotesRealNews has obtained the lyrics, which have never been seen until now by anyone besides the person who wrote those lyrics, and now the song will be leaked in its entirety.
Wining, dining, candlelight
Pepperoni goes well with all drinks
She said she would spend the night
Took her home and she’s like
“Oh-em-gee Mike what the heck
This smells like a dead skunk’s neck
Gotta go, because blech”

New, sunny, super-clean
Are some things that my abode is not
At least when the roof has leaks
I don’t notice – it’s wet a lot
And hey, there’s no rent
It’s quite a good deal for no dough spent
Here with four of my best friends
After the mutation this is my element

When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
And I got a dank place, maybe
I need a change

No broker, I’m too broke
Turns out Jimmy MacMillan was right
Two K monthly is no joke
Since I need money I will fight
When I’m in the mood
I will toss cheesy food
Ring name will be party dude, oh yeah

Pinning, winning, shell shock slam
Quickly break them like bagels, warmed
Post wins on Instagram
Got them reminiscing like
“Love love love, loved that fight
Almost close one, but not quite”
Now the champ belt is in my sight
I’ll hope I won’t forget to send my friends invites

My kick combo can be nasty
Helps me stand tall though I’m not big
For the belt I’ll face a tag team
It’s a rhino and a pig
As foes they are quite familiar
They’re slow, this should be fun
They are strong but I’m much quicker
Now who gave them guns?

What the heck is this madness?
I have to quit and flee
My conscience can’t stand this
High risk of casualties
Maybe I’ll give up the money
But really it’s okay
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

Guns never should be where it’s crowded
I’m sure of this and this is why I shout it
Guns never should be where it’s crowded
There is no doubt, yeah, there’s no doubt about it
When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.