Jeffrey Epstein Murdered by The Babadook

The editorial board requires a trigger/content warning for this one. If Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes upset you to the point that being reminded of them makes you feel physically unwell or otherwise extremely uncomfortable you should not read this. This also deals with the topic in a way which those unfamiliar with this publication’s unconventional perception of reality might see as less-than-serious. Now that we’ve gotten that over with, it’s time to start the article.

Notorious sexual predator and alleged billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell Saturday morning of an apparent suicide. It is only apparent rather than confirmed because if anyone else saw what happened, they haven’t spoken to any honest law enforcement officials about it. Due to this uncertainty, the internet has theories.

Many people are saying the Clintons had him killed, which is said by those people about many remotely suspicious deaths. This scenario is unlikely because the Clintons are lawyers and would presumably know that potentially incriminating documents are more likely to leak if the person those documents focus on is dead. Also, being lawyers, and intelligent, they know that murder is a very serious crime which the paranoid public would never let them get away with. Despite this, many people suspect the Clintons, and those people are wrong.

Others are saying Trump did it. This is somewhat less unlikely, since Trump does not seem to understand laws or consequences and he has gotten rid of just about every administration member who might try to educate him on these matters. Epstein was in a federal prison, so even if they didn’t actively hurt him they could have “accidentally” failed to protect him. This theory is also false.

There are also people who believe that there was no foul play, and that he might have truly have appeared stable enough to justify removal from suicide watch, and then recent events led to a shift in Epstein’s mental state. This, too, is wrong.

The truth is not even being considered by so-called legitimate news outlets, and the truth is that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered by the Babadook.

The gay icon/Twitter troll/nightmarish monster did not disclose a motive for the killing outside of what is revealed by the Babadook’s statements around the time of the murder. And we have some of those statements as a Heck Yes News exclusive:

“I can feel your guilt/I can smell your sin/So you have no choice/You must LET ME IN!”

“You are codfish piss/worse than Captain Hook/You won’t be missed/By the Babadook”

“Moral and nice/Are two things I ain’t/But you make me feel/Like I am a saint”

“It won’t be long/’Til I break your neck/And when you’re gone/You will go to heck”

“In heck it’s warm/In heck they paste/And not much else/They are very chaste”

“And now you’re dead/Coughing from heck’s smoke/I wish this would fix/The spirits you broke”


After confessing to the murder, the Babadook left and did not say where he would be going, but most likely he will be visiting some of Epstein’s closest former associates to try to scare some information out of them.












Babadook Unleashes Tweetstorm on Donald Trump

After weeks of silence, The Babadook returned to Twitter this morning to submit several tweets over the course of an hour either at or about Donald Trump.

At the beginning on the barrage, the Babadook likened the president to one of the primary villains in a classic comic strip:

This is appropriate because Mr. Trump seems to think most Americans are twerps, although he is trying to take away their health care money rather than their lunch money, except in the case of attempted cuts in school lunch programs in which case he wants to take away lunch money too. For most monsters, one tweet attack would have been enough, but not for the Babadook. He followed up with this:

A Yeti, of course, might be a better president than Donald Trump. And the same is true for the Babadook, despite his tendency to be mildly menacing in tweets such as this one:

While the Babadook can admittedly be scary, he is not nearly as terrifying as the prospect of millions of Americans being priced out of being able to get basic medical care.

Then the Babadook hit harder:


The storm concluded with this strike:

Donald Trump has yet to respond to any of these Tweets, probably because he was too shaken by the attacks to reply.

Babadook Leaves Closet, Writes New Book

The infamous villain known as the Babadook, who was recently outed as a gay monster, has come to terms with who he is and wrote a new book about it. TotesRealNews was able to get a copy of the text, and while the pictures are not available as of yet we assume at least one of them will look something like this:

Image result for babashook

The Babadook, who may or not be wearing a rainbow hat at the moment, definitely wrote these words as the text to the Babadook book:

The struggle was brutal, the struggle was real
When it came to attraction, women held no appeal
In my family men married women or no one
And no casual dating, our faith could be no fun
But I didn’t question, I swallowed my sadness
And slowly began my descent into madness
As I hid in a hat, with each hand in a glove
Since it seemed Babadook would never find love

And now, before the story continues, here’s another image from the internet which captures the Babadook’s new image:

Image result for babashook

If this was in the book, the picture wouldn’t have the tweet at the bottom. And speaking of the book, the text continues below:


My mood didn’t improve as I increased in age
The frustration festered and it turned into rage
My anger was palpable, it flowed through my veins
Corrupting my heart and gall bladder and brains
Gall bladder’s a big part of why I was vile
This medical issue meant an increase in bile
I was filled with bad humors which may have been killin’ me
And they led me straight into a life filled with villainy

Now, here’s a picture of the still-closeted Babadook:

Image result for angry babadook

It was the phase of the Babadook’s life represented above which is described in the Bababook text below:

I made it my mission to make misery spread
I’d pick out a victim and I’d get in their head
I’d stalk and I’d taunt and I’d cause hearts to pound
Life was more exciting when I was around
But their lives weren’t good, and often not long
And I felt no remorse since the hate was so strong
I kept messing lives up while dressing so spiffily
Until very recently when I had an epiphany

Now, another picture from the internet which could be in this book if it doesn’t use new artwork:

Image result for babashook

And the conclusion:


If it makes me happy, then there is no harm
To flashier fashion and a man on my arm
I used to hide. Now you all can look.
I’m out and proud. Now get Babashook
I’m no longer evil. I’m in a better place
But I’ll make an exception in one special case
At night I’ll go to bed instead of going bump
But during the day I might scare Donald Trump

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, because it’s the weekend and he’s probably golfing.


White House Preparing For Grand Moff Tarkin Day

The Internet – Thursday will be May Fourth, often known as Star Wars Day because of how the day’s name sounds like the beginning of the famous line “May the force be with you,” but this Thursday will not commemorate traditional Star Wars heroes such as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo and Yoda, or even newer ones such as Rey and Finn, as they do not fit the current administration’s definition of heroism. Instead, the day will honor the unyielding resolve of Grand Moff Tarkin.

The Trump Administration, which spoken for by Donald Trump because he is still allowed to speak, sees Tarkin as the tragic hero of the first film, a man who is willing to make the hard choices necessary to make the Empire great again through acts of terrorism which don’t count as terrorism because it’s the Empire doing it. He is seen as tough, and maybe not fair, but fairness is for weak people and weak people are the reason why America doesn’t win anymore, which is why neither the Empire nor America have any obligation to treat their people fairly. He is also willing to stick to his plan no matter how many people advise him against it, no matter how much it looks like sticking to this plan will destroy him and all those around him, and this tenacity is why he is seen as the most heroic of the pro-Empire Star Wars heroes.

If Steve Bannon still had the sort of influence he used to have, then Grand Moff Tarkin Day would likely include a lot of blowing things up, possibly going into Afghanistan and nuking a big chunk of it like it was Alderaan, but fortunately Steve Bannon is not in charge so nuclear weapons are not part of the official plans. Instead, the factories which had been making Ivanka’s clothing but have had less demand for clothing-making lately will be re-purposed as manufacturers of Peter Cushing masks. And they are expected to receive hefty government contracts (which makes sense since Grand Moff Tarkin Day is now a real national holiday) to make millions of these masks to be worn by all American citizens, so they can gaze upon the visage of the martyr Tarkin and be mindful of what a hero truly is.

Mr. Trump also reminded the American public that if they think Grand Moff Tarkin Day is a silly holiday, they should start buying Ivanka’s clothing again so the factories could make Trump-family clothing instead of masks depicting Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin.

At the end of the speech, Mr. Trump was forced to concede that time constraints regarding manufacturing and shipping would push Grand Moff Tarkin Day back at least a month, but that’s fine because the date or time that something happens or happened doesn’t matter anymore.

“Star Trek Seven: The Fountain of Yout” Has Opening Pages Leaked

A top-secret Star Trek project by someone who will not be named in order not to potentially embarrass the writer, a project which is so preliminary that even the writer’s friends and family didn’t know this person was working on it, has been intercepted by an anonymous hacking group not called Anonymous, and now the first few pages of the script are available. Here. In a TotesRealNews exclusive.

This new film follows a semi-alternative timeline in which the events of the first six movies happened, but the events in the other movies did not. Which is how the Fountain of Youth theme is allowed to be explored again, although this time with older characters than in Star Trek: Insurrection. It is set to star William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, and Walter Koenig reprising their roles from the original series, reunited after decades apart for one final mission. It is also set to star Joe Pesci returning after a long semi-retirement in order to play a fictional version of himself who was transported to a magical planet with a hard-to-reach Fountain of Youth, which enabled him to live there for hundreds of years.

And now, without further ado, here are the exclusive leaked pages of this totally real and super-serious Star Trek project:


Ext. Simbala – Simbala is a lush tropical planet with ample vegetation, yet enough room between the trees to have a proper scene without having some cast members blocked from view by the plants. On this planet, whose name suggests both a mythical land from Eastern traditions and a modern cartoon lion whose species should put the audience in mind of a certain famous explorer, the remaining Enterprise crew can be seen in one shot. This crew consists of KIRK, SULU, UHURA, and CHEKOV. In addition to these four remaining crew members, the audience can also see a charging lion.


Captain Sulu, take out your hand torpedo and shoot that thing.


Yes Admiral. I will grab the torpedo with my hand and shoot something warm from it. I will shoot it hard. Oh Myyyyyy.


Stop. With the innuendos. And just. Do it. Already!


Don’t tell me to stop with innuendos and then tell me to just do it. That joke is wayyyy too easy.


Dammit, Sulu! The lion. Is almost. Here!

As the lion leaps to attack its elderly prey, UHURA takes out her hand torpedo and shoots the lion, which falls back without hitting anyone.


Thank you, Commander.  I would kiss you, but you are. Old.


You’re not so young yourself, James.


The march of time stops for no one. Except for those lost.


Which reminds me. Where is everyone else? We should not. Be out in space. At. Our age. Without a doctor.


Bones? He’s wed, Jim.


Sorry to hear that.


No reason to be sorry. He is wed to his beautiful wife and they have children and grandchildren. (pause) Now I see  the reason for confusion. You think I still have strong Russian accent after fifty years. But I no longer have strong accent. Only quirky speech patterns.


Good for you. Now what about Scotty?


You hadn’t heard?  He beamed up to great transporter room in the sky.


And Christine?


Alas, she is now in the Celestial Chapel.


And Spock? What about Spock?


If he was alive, he’d be here right now. Simple logic, Admiral.


There. Must. Be. Some. Way. To pause time. So we don’t. Lose anyone else. If I stall. Long enough. Perhaps we will find. It.

As music plays suggesting perhaps they will find it after all, JOE PESCI walks through the trees and into the clearing. He looks the same as he does in real life in 2017.


Hey! What’s up with you geezers? You lost or somethin’?


Oh Myyyyyyy!


Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment, but I ain’t interested in you that way.


I beg your pardon? I was merely expressing amazement that you bear such a striking resemblance to the famous Earth actor Joe Pesci. But you look older than he does in the movies.


Whaddya mean, older? Like 20 years older, or more than three hundred years older?


The first one, of course.


Good. I look a bit older because I took some time off from movies before coming here. But I’m really a lot older. Everyone here’s much older than they look. We got ninety-year-olds who look like youts. Simbala’s full of youts you―


Please. Do not call my officer anything derogatory. Or you will regret it.


You didn’t have to cut me off. I was just clarifying that the place is kinda magical, so it seems to be full of youts.


Despite my extensive linguistic studies, I can’t say I know that word. It sounds like someone from the Earth place called Utah, but that doesn’t make sense in the context.


Not Utes. Youts. Non-geriatrics. People who are the opposite of youse.


How did they get that way?


Through the quenching waters of the Fountain of Yout, of course. We’ve got one of them here. It’s great. One drink will stop aging for years.


Take us there. Now.


Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Not just anyone can drink from the Fountain of Yout.


I am James Tiberius Kirk. I am a space exploration legend.


Do you think that matters here? None of that matters. All that’s important is you have to pass a series of tests to earn your drinking rights. And since you are obviously a group, as long as someone in your group passes then you all pass.


That doesn’t sound very difficult at all.


You’d think that, wouldn’t you? The tests you got are not the same as the ones I got, and even I did not always pass. If I did, I’d’ve not only stopped aging, but reversed it.


Get. On. With. It. Already! What. Is. The first test?


For youse guys? The Bechdel Test.


Oh, Nooooooooooo!

Celebrity Jeopardy Movie Announced

The Internet – According to words on the internet, Lorne Michaels and SNL Studios will be producing a full-length feature film based on the popular Celebrity Jeopardy sketches from Saturday Night Live.

The film will follow ten celebrity characters, both on and off the Jeopardy! set, as they work to come up with questions on set, and struggle to come up with answers off of it. The celebrities who will be featured in the film are: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald), Justin Bieber (Kate McKinnon), Adele (Aidy Bryant), Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson), George R.R. Martin (Bobby Moynihan), Stefon (Bill Hader), Sarah Palin (Tina Fey), Donald Trump, (Alec Baldwin), and Rick Moranis (Rick Moranis).

Within the reality of this movie, Stefon is a legit celebrity nightlife reviewer with his own show on Bravo. If there can be ten contestants within five days because Sean Connery and Burt Reynolds show up in multiple episodes, then there is no reason why Stefon cannot be a real celebrity. Especially in a timeline where a middle-aged Burt Reynolds co-exists with a twenty-something Justin Bieber.

The movie will also star Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek and Helen Mirren as Alex Trebek’s mother. Additionally, the film will feature cameos by Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and Alex Trebek, each as the father of the film’s version of them.

The film is expected to be produced without a hitch, and certainly no lawsuits from Donald Trump or others dissatisfied with the way they are portrayed in the movie.

Celebrity Jeopardy is expected to be rated R for language, as well as for sexual situations between Sean Connery and Alex Trebek’s mother.

Trump Excited To Hate-Watch Oscars

Food, Popcorn, Snack, Movie, Corn, Eat

Trump plans on eating lots of this while watching the Oscars tonight


The Internet – According to totally reliable sources, sources so real that they are only giving their information to TotesRealNews, Donald Trump is too excited about angrily watching the Academy Awards tonight to do anything presidential today except playing golf. He is going to let unelected maniac Steve Bannon concentrate on policy, which Mr. Trump insists is not usually the case, while the president plans tweets in response to various potential outcomes in tonight’s awards show.

According to the reliable sources, if La La Land wins, Trump plans to tweet that the Oscars are rigged in favor of people who can sing, because anyone who has seen Donald Trump attempt to sing the Green Acres theme song knows that the president is not musically inclined. If Arrival wins, he plans on framing the victory of this anti-xenophobia film as insulting to Trump’s message of America first. If Fences wins the golden statue, he plans on condemning this movie with an ex-con protagonist as being against law and order. Hell or High Water can also be seen as sympathetic toward criminals, which Trump plan to spin as insulting toward law enforcement. If Lion, a foreign film, wins then this is obviously rigged against movies made by Americans. If Hacksaw Ridge wins, then the Oscars must be rigged to promote compassion, which Mr. Trump has repeatedly shown himself to be against. As for Manchester By The Sea, Trump says it should not win because it is “Sad!” If Moonlight wins, that will be seen as a statement in favor of making people in the LGBTQ community seem human, which the Trump Administration is obviously not in favor of. And Mr. Trump is still thinking of why he will be mad if Hidden Figures wins, but he is sure he will be.

Mr. Trump is also looking forward to angrily tweeting about the award acceptance speeches, which will almost certainly be highly critical of the new president. He expects himself to call at least a few people “overrated” and “not very good” and maybe even some new original insults. While many are saying Trump is genuinely upset by the negative statements about him, the aforementioned reliable sources are saying he secretly loves it, and the reason why he’s skipping the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is because he doesn’t want the public to see him being so happy.

Mr. Trump is also said to be planning a tweet at the Babadook, to rub in the fact that the movie didn’t even get nominated for any Oscars, and then hopefully drum up more attention for himself through another Twitter war.

Donald Trump is not said to be thinking about what might happen if he put as much effort into being a decent leader as he puts into his reactions to the things he sees on television.


Trump Starts Twitter War With The Babadook

The Internet – Donald Trump has continued to insult people on Twitter even after winning the presidential election, and he hasn’t seemed to be any worse off for it, but he may have gone too far last night when he tweeted about the Babadook.

It started off relatively harmlessly, by Trump standards:


Then, bringing back memories of the initial announcement of his candidacy, Trump escalated the situation:

That seemed like it would be the end of it, but then the President-Elect received a disturbing tweet a few hours later.

And then Mr. Trump took time out of his busy schedule to respond:

If Mr. Trump thought the Secret Service reference was going to scare the Babadook into silence, he thought incorrectly, as this tweet followed soon afterwards:

And then this:



This prompted a string of tweets from the future President of the United States insisting he is not a child and promising to take the last threat a lot more seriously than the authorities took the “2nd Amendment people” comment Trump made on the campaign trail. Mike Pence also got involved, tweeting vague support for Donald Trump while simultaneously trying to distance himself from the hard line anti-Babadook stance. These attempts were less than successful considering what the Babadook had to say to Mr. Pence:

And then President Obama joined the Twitter party:


As of press time, President Obama had not weighed in on the subject again, but Donald Trump continued to retweet posts from his followers threatening and insulting the Babadook. The Babadook has not responded, probably because this is the time of day when monsters of the night sleep, but this feud seems likely to continue indefinitely until either someone takes Donald Trump’s phone away or the Babadook materializes in Donald Trump’s presence through the pages of a book. Fortunately for those who don’t want to see President Pence in the Oval Office, the former is much more likely than the latter.

Because Donald Trump does not read books.



*Editor’s note: The Babadook’s Tweets have disappeared, but SuchRealNews will reach out to the monster in an attempt to reproduce them.




Pridelands Protesters Urged to Give Scar a Chance


Great Migration, Africa, Safari

The scared, confused masses which are being blamed for the death of Mufasa and the crowning of Scar

The Internet – There has been much unrest in the Pridelands following the ascension of Scar to the highest position in the country, but self-proclaimed voices of reason have been doing their best to sway the protesters to stop complaining and accept their new King.

Those who have known Scar for a long time judge him to be an extraordinarily unpleasant person who they trust almost as far as they can throw him, and as he is a full-grown lion he is rather difficult to throw, but he is King and therefore the masses are begged to accept him for the sake of national unity and peace. The circumstances of his acquisition of the throne are deemed ridiculously suspicious by those who dare to speak out, considering the mysterious death of the previous king and the disappearance of Prince Simba, but Scar is King and as King he is unwilling to conduct an unbiased investigation into these matters, so there seems to be no point in doing anything about it.

The former king, Mufasa, was generally considered a strong yet fair and reasonable ruler, and there are doubts that Scar will fit any of that description, yet the restless masses are being told to ignore their fears and give Scar a chance. After all, the fact he has made a habit of hanging out with a bunch of hyenas over the years doesn’t mean he will reward the hyenas with political authority and enact primarily pro-hyena policies. For all the people know, Scar might no longer be involved with the hyenas at all. He might just have used them temporarily in order to gain the throne in a time-honored and traditional manner, and now that Scar is King he might kick out the hyenas any day now, and govern in the best interests of the Pridelands. At least he might be able to do so if all of these succession-disrespecting protesters stop their whining and let him lead.

According to some of the protesters, the ones who have not yet been torn apart by hyenas, Scar may not even really be interested in ruling at all. They say he is only in it to make himself rich, and might actually sit back on his pile of gold as the gluttonous hyenas destroy the country, but these protesters are being told they are overreacting. Outside of a few incidents, the hyenas have not caused any trouble in the first day of the Scar regime, and according to those urging peace it is imperative not to challenge the rule of this new king at this point in time, as doing so would make a mockery of the monarchy.

These anti-protesters insist they are doing so out of genuine concern for their political system, and not fear of retaliation by the new government if they are seen as sympathizing with the protesters.

Meanwhile, four thousand miles away in Agrabah, a similar anti-protest movement has taken hold proclaiming the legitimacy of Sultan Jafar, and insisting his rival Prince Ali may have been less than honest and therefore should not be considered the more trustworthy option no matter how many times Sultan Jafar is caught lying.