Hades Requests Next Gods’ Meeting Be Held In Tartarus

Hades, the Greek god of the Underworld, expressed great displeasure at the most recent gods’ meeting about all of these conferences being held either at Mt. Olympus or some remote island controlled by Poseidon, none of which are convenient for him. As an alternative, he requested the next meeting be held underground at his Hades Tartarus property.

Hades Tartarus is by far Hades’ lowest-rated property, and perhaps the most unpopular locale in the world, with 97 percent of reviewers giving it two stars or less, and 90 percent giving it the lowest possible rating.

Tartarus has been widely panned for its insect problem, with roaches spanning in size from fifty pound behemoths to small enough to crawl into any bodily orifice. There are also many bedbugs, which is surprising considering the beds are uneven stone tablets.

The staff is widely hated, with one security guard called Cerberus garnering a reputation for extreme unfriendliness. Guests are also unhappy with the leisure activities, which consist of such pastimes as trying to eat a grape that is just out of reach. Guests also have the option to push a stone up a hill which is too steep at the top to push anything up it, and then the rock rolls down and crushes them, and it’s not really a choice.

The staff has been asked to change the activity schedule for thousands of years, but the only changes are the addition of new terrible things to do, like writing a book which was promised a publication deal and having the manuscript simultaneously combust while handing the only copy to the publisher. There’s also a new one where you’re at a party but all the drinks are toothpaste-infused and the bouncers will attack you if you say any word that isn’t considered millennial slang, of if you go three minutes without yeeting.

Despite the horrible reputation of Hades Tartarus, its proprietor talked it up as “unique” and “a sprawling property with many unoccupied hilltops.” But he could not be reached for comment when asked if he was going to be taking a cut of Charon’s toll, which is expected to be significant when dozens of gods each have to pay a gold coin to cross the River Styx.

Real Article About Donald Trump’s Accomplishments As President

Beach, Sea, Reefs, Sand, Great Britain

This wall is so great, I can tell you that. It keeps all the sea monsters from coming onto the land, and mother nature paid for it.

Donald Trump recently complained on Twitter about the fake news media not talking about his accomplishments as president, but luckily for him TotesRealNews is real news. Therefore, unlike award-winning fake news organizations which seem more concerned with his problems than his achievements, TotesRealNews can and will report about some of the high points of the first two hundred days of President Trump.

The Gorsuch Confirmation

When Donald Trump became president, there was a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Antonin Scalia died suddenly on a hunting trip about a year earlier, and Barack Obama could not replace him. According to sources, this was Obama’s fault because he was incapable of not being hated by the Republican-controlled Congress and therefore this legislative body refused to permit confirmation hearings for Obama’s nominee. So Merrick Garland, an impeccably qualified and ideologically moderate federal judge, could not get onto the court and it was totally Obama’s fault, and then Obama didn’t even bother to appoint another potential Supreme Court Justice for Congress to reject.

After about a year of nothing happening on the Supreme Court front, Donald Trump became president and was elected as a Republican so the Republican-controlled Congress didn’t insist on blocking anyone he nominated. Then Donald Trump could have not bothered to nominate anyone, as has been the case with other vacant government positions. He also could have nominated himself, or Ivanka, or Ted Nugent, but he listened to advice and picked an actual judge with reasonable qualifications although maybe not such reasonable political views. After the nomination was made, Mitch McConnell saw that Donald Trump is not Obama and therefore allowed confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch, who was confirmed by a totally overwhelming mandate of 54% of the Senate.

This was one of President Trump’s greatest achievements, but he had others.

Has Not Wrecked Economy Yet

In the first 200 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, the stock market has continued to rise and employment numbers have gone up as well.This has not resulted in an across-the-board increase in wages, and at least one governor is trying to lower the minimum wage without any objection from Donald Trump, but rising Dow Jones and employment numbers are a positive development. Granted, the economy tends to change slowly and these numbers are believed by those who understand economics to be the result of policies enacted by the Obama Administration, but Donald Trump still managed not to ruin everything yet, which is something.

Trump, with the help of a complicit Congress, possibly could have gotten a law passed raising corporate taxes to 100% for any company which contributed to any campaign for a Democratic candidate. That would have crashed the economy quickly, but he didn’t do that. He also didn’t fire Steven Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary and replace him with Lindsay Lohan. Nor did he send out a series of tweets praising Russia’s communist tradition and promising harsh penalties for any company daring to make a quarterly profit of more than one percent.

Due to Donald Trump not totally destroying Obama’s economic momentum, the economy is not currently a total disaster, so that’s somewhat of an accomplishment.

Cracking Down on Gangs and Terrorists

The fake news media might assert that all recent presidents have done this, and maybe they are technically telling the truth, but Donald Trump talks about it more which means he’s doing a better job at it. The critics and the haters, of which there are many, worry that the heavy-handed anti-terrorism strikes might actually be a powerful recruiting tool for the terrorists, and they also show concern that the MS-13 hullabaloo is more about xenophobia than safety, but even if they are correct, Donald Trump is still promising action and taking it.

So there.

The Trump Administration is doing something which at least on the surface is a successful initiative. That should hush the critics who say Trump has done absolutely nothing in almost seven months, but even if it does not, the critics should be aware that there are even more accomplishments.

Deporting a Bunch of People

The deportation numbers might be even stronger than the employment numbers. And deportation helps unemployment as well, because it is impossible to be unemployed in the United States when you’ve been deported from the United States. The ICE, with help from volunteer services by right-wing activists, has helped kick lots and lots of people out of the country. Some of those kicked out have been actual criminals, and others have done nothing wrong except failing to have the proper paperwork.

Paperwork is important. Unless you are the President and your nosy enemies are insisting upon looking at your tax returns, producing paperwork is an essential aspect to being a law-abiding resident of this country. Therefore, according to this totally sound logic, those who claim to be victims of bureaucratic dysfunction or exorbitant filing fees are actually just victims of their own failure to file paperwork and the deportation of such people is an important accomplishment which Donald Trump is totally justified in being proud of.

The related goal of building a wall to keep illegal immigrants out hasn’t quite gone as planned, but no one is perfect, right? And while imperfect, Donald Trump has moved closer to this ideal with the next, less publicized, accomplishment.

Not Posting Game of Thrones Spoilers

There have been leaks all over the internet regarding plot points of the popular television series Game of Thrones, but none of these leaks have come from Donald Trump. In the tens of thousands of social media posts which Mr. Trump has unleashed upon the internet, it is believed that zero of them include any sort of spoilers about Game of Thrones. If all your Game of Thrones knowledge came from Donald Trump’s social media posts, you might believe that Jon Arryn is still alive and well, or at least as well as an old man can be with the lack of advanced health care services available in Westeros, except you might not have any idea who Jon Arryn was because you would know nothing about Game of Thrones.

While Donald Trump may have spoiled a lot of things, the first and foremost being November 9th for the majority of American voters, he has not spoiled Game of Thrones for anybody, and for that he should be commended. This might have been his greatest accomplishment if not for the next one:

Ridding the World of the Unicorn Menace

While Donald Trump Jr. has gotten most of the press for his hunting exploits, Donald Trump Sr. is actually the more accomplished hunter. If words on the internet are to be believed, President Trump’s hunting may have actually saved the world. Because he killed all the unicorns.

The doubters and the cynics might say there are no unicorns, and they’re correct now, but only because of the heroics of Donald Trump. It is a little-known fact that the woods within the Mar-a-Lago golf course contained unicorns, and those unicorns were getting stronger and more numerous by the year. According to unicorn experts, they would have been strong enough to leave the woods and challenge humans for American supremacy by 2020. Which is why Donald Trump had to kill them. For the sake of the people.

Since most people are not unicorn experts, most people do not know how difficult it is to kill a unicorn. Unicorns have extremely durable skin which cannot be damaged by gunfire or regular fire or basically anything else which humans use to kill each other. The only thing which kills a unicorn is a noogie from a world leader. The display of power literally kills them. This is a 100% effective strategy, but it had never been tried before. Donald Trump just knew how to kill unicorns by using the very good brain of his and by consulting unicorn experts, and this knowledge was why he bought the land which became Mar-a-Lago, and the true reason why he absolutely had to become president, even if he had to collude with Russia to win the electoral vote.

Once he became president, Trump’s true work was at the “Winter White House,” and this is the reason for his myriad golfing trips there. His golfing partners would be sworn to secrecy every time Donald Trump hit a ball near the woods, because after that happened Donald Trump would pick up the ball and walk into the woods alone, which is unconventional golf play even by Trump standards. Then the president would search for a solitary unicorn, since the plan would be extraordinarily dangerous if multiple unicorns were present, and then he would immobilize the unicorn temporarily by throwing the golf ball at its horn. If the ball missed, Trump would scurry out of there and claim he lost the ball, but if it made contact then the unicorn would be paralyzed for about a minute, giving Donald Trump ample time to administer the noogie and recover the ball and carry the ball back to the fairway, because anyone who just killed a dangerous horned beast deserves a decent lie.

Mr. Trump did this dozens of times throughout the first 200 days of his presidency, until all the unicorns of Mar-a-Lago, and therefore all the unicorns of the world, had been eradicated. It was hard work, but it had to be done, and Donald Trump was the only man who could do it. He could not admit to doing this, because the American people are not yet ready for their president to admit to killing unicorns, but what was done has still been done.

Even if Donald Trump doesn’t accomplish anything else in his remaining time in office, the unicorn slaying alone makes him one of the most heroic presidents of all time.

TotesReallyHeroic.

 

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Awakened April Demon Demands Pranks

The Internet – The April Demon, a terrifying supernatural entity whose horrible rampages can only be prevented by basic human decency or pranks, has escaped its underground cell this year thanks to widespread xenophobia and other atrocities committed by governments worldwide. Some level of awfulness is possible without releasing the April Demon, but the threshold was surpassed this year for the first time in decades, and now the April Demon is outside.

Now that the April Demon has escaped, the only way it can be stopped is through pranks. Lots and lots of pranks. The April Demon has internet access and a Twitter account, as it needed some way to keep itself occupied during its long imprisonment, and now pranksters on Twitter and elsewhere must use their talents to keep the April Demon entertained and under control. Otherwise, the horrors which will be perpetrated will make even the saddest attempt at an April Fool’s joke seem hilarious and not-at-all painful in comparison.

It is often assumed that April Fool’s Day is a silly holiday celebrated for no good reason except to provide excuses to make terrible jokes and to lie about things which shouldn’t be lied about, but those who make such assumptions have forgotten about the April Demon. And one should not forget about the April Demon, because if it does not have its appetite for pranks sated through observing humans, then it will start playing pranks of its own. And the April Demon finds nothing more hilarious than giving someone their own small intestine to wear as a necklace.

The April Demon has escaped before, but it was always kept mostly in check through April Fools’ Day pranks. Once in a while the people did not do their part to prevent pranks by the April Demon, but those so-called-pranks by the demon were always dismissed as the work of a serial killer or a tyrannical government. And even if only one victim is claimed this time around, one disemboweled human is one too many.

Unfortunately, there could be more than one victim this time around if an effort is not made, as social media shaming for the holiday has increased in recent years, which hadn’t mattered before this year since the April Demon was still imprisoned. But now it does matter, and reluctance to make bad jokes could be catastrophic. And as previously implied, the April Demon does not have a sophisticated sense of humor, so the more terrible the joke or prank is the more likely the April Demon is to be entertained. So go ahead, pretend to be pregnant or mislead your social media followers into thinking you are getting a divorce. If you are posting from a corporate account, devastate the public by promising an amazing product which cannot realistically be produced. Maybe you will hurt someone, but whatever pain you cause will be far milder than the pain caused by a bored April Demon.

If the April Demon was as fake as many of the posts which will be made over the next 24 hours, then perhaps most people would be best off not observing April Fools’ Day. However, since the April Demon is totally real, all the temporary liars will be doing important work.

Prank on, pranksters.

Santa Claus Lane Singers Charged With Trespassing

Santa Claus, Nicholas, Christmas

Santa, before he got angry

The Internet – Santa Claus has a reputation as a jolly, happy-go-lucky person, but as a group of enthusiastic singers learned yesterday afternoon, when Christmas draws near Santa gets serious. And if you bother him, you will get arrested.

Mr. Kringle made an effort to honor the Christmas spirit by not taking anyone to court, but in this case being good turned out to be a bad idea. Nicely telling the gathered vocalists to get off of his lane was met with no response, probably because the foolish mortals were singing so loudly they could not hear any words spoken at a civil volume.

Santa Claus would not talk to TotesRealNews, as he was busy, and also because he lost his voice screaming at his deranged fans. According to one such fan, Santa yelled:

“I’m not going to deliver gifts right now, you nincompoops! It’s December fifteenth! Just because your radio stations down south, where you should be, think it’s Christmas already doesn’t mean it is! I mean, are you people serious? You have to realize with millions and millions of kids to deliver to, I have to have a bunch of factories and not just a quaint little workshop, right? Maybe I’m closer to magical than you are, but I still have to follow at least some of the laws of physics, especially when they’re not being temporarily suspended for Christmas Eve, which right now is definitely not! It’s stressful enough seeing suffering in the world which I can’t do anything about; I don’t need distractions keeping me from doing what I can help with!

“But since you’ve already distracted me, I need to yell at you more so my blood pressure doesn’t reach dangerous levels even for an immortal such as myself. Of course I was riding down Santa Claus Lane! It’s where I live! That’s why it’s named after me! If I were riding down Broadway today that would be noteworthy, but not worth singing a happy song about because it would mean I quit Santa-ing and nobody’s getting any presents unless the kids’ parents buy them, which as we all know isn’t going to happen! Which is why I need to get down Santa Claus Lane, without all of you in my way, and do my job!”

 

After the tirade, the North Pole Police were at high alert, and they arrested the singers for trespassing. Then the “Here Comes Santa Claus” singers went to SantaCourt, where Kangaroo the Elf declared them all guilty and sentenced them to the same punishment meted out to all trespassers: deportation via the SantaBoat. But this would have to wait until after Christmas, since everyone at the North Pole was busy.

At least everyone was busy except for the singers, who apparently had nothing better to do than go to Santa Claus Lane and sing about it in the middle of December.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Trump Desperately Seeking Real Name of RussianStiltskin

 

The Internet – While the media has been reporting on various difficulties faced by the Trump Transition Team, it has yet to cover what may be the most pressing issue faced by the president-elect, which is what the obscure Russian hacker RussianStiltskin’s real name is.

RussianStiltskin has kept such a low profile that he, or possibly she because the hacker’s identify is totally unconfirmed, has never been reported on before, but this person may be among the most important players in recent world history. This is because RussianStiltskin spun straw man arguments into political gold by manipulating information on the internet to make voters think Hillary Clinton was in favor of going to war with Russia. And thanks to this hacking, Donald Trump owes an enormous debt to this code-named Russian hacker.

The debt which Trump owes is not a concrete financial sum, which he would also likely do everything within his power to avoid paying, but a promise of his first-born. Unless Donald Trump can guess RussianStiltskin’s actual, legal name before the Electoral College votes on December 19th and Mr. Trump’s impending presidency is expected to become even more official, RussianStiltskin insists that Trump’s first-born is as good as gone.

By first-born, RussianStiltskin does not mean Donald Trump Junior. Although the former reality show star’s oldest child is apparently is of some value to Donald Trump, since if RussianStiltskin took Donald the Younger then someone else would have to do things like conducting interviews for Secretary of the Interior, Donald the Elder’s most prized offspring is his first-born skyscraper, Trump Tower.

The efforts to save Trump Tower have grown more frantic as time went on. At first it was the e-mails. Although there were other legitimate political reasons to want to know what potentially unethical activity was going on in Hillary Email Land, the primary motivation for Trump pressing the issue was the hope that these e-mails contained RussianStiltskin’s real name. Perhaps the CIA found out and told Hillary so she could use such information to make a deal with Trump at the last minute. Perhaps RussianStiltskin was a double agent in constant contact with Hillary Clinton. Perhaps RussianStiltskin wasn’t Russian at all, but was actually a Clinton ploy to humiliate Donald Trump. All of these possibilities were no less unlikely than some of the more ridiculous conspiracies on the internet, but when many of the emails were found, they revealed no information about RussianStiltskin.

The next step in the attempt to keep Trump Tower was Donald Trump’s insistence he would not live full-time in the White House, and that his youngest son would barely be there at all. There were other justifications for this decision, but the real reason was that if the Secret Service needed to be in Trump Tower at all times to protect the Trump family, the Secret Service would also be able to protect the first-born skyscraper from RussianStiltskin. And they may be able to protect the tower temporarily, but RussianStiltskin appears to be powerful enough that even the protection of the Secret Service is unlikely to keep the tower in Trump’s possession for the rest of the year. So another plan became necessary.

For the next plan, which may have been even more far-fetched than the rest, Trump attempted the gain the Babadook’s attention through a Twitter altercation and then use his masterful negotiating skills to persuade the Babadook to find and terrify RussianStiltskin until the hacker’s birth name was revealed. This plan came crashing down when Trump found himself unable to convince the Babadook to stop taunting and threatening Donald Trump, and therefore there was no chance of convincing the Babadook to cooperate in a scheme to save Trump Tower.

After the epic failure of the Babadook plan, Mr. Trump began nominating highly unqualified people, many of whom seemed to be morally opposed to the job they were supposed to do, to various Cabinet posts and other high-level government positions. This was done in the hope such gross incompetence would sway the Electoral College not to vote for him, thus nullifying his deal with RussianStiltskin, but as of press time there does not seem to be enough anti-Trump sentiment in the Electoral College to save Trump Tower from this secretive cyber-criminal. This may change in the coming days, but it looks like the only options might be to give up Trump Tower or take even more desperate measures.

Donald Trump might have to use his own money to pay for information regarding RussianStiltskin. But only as an absolute last resort.

Small, Cartoonish, Non-Imaginary Monsters Invade World

Cut, Green, Monster

There are so many Pokemon that one of them probably looks something like this.

 

The Internet – People are advised to stay indoors, wearing body armor just in case, until proper Poke Balls can be manufactured, because Pokemon are real now, and lots of them are unhappy.

The duck is especially unhappy. Stay away from the duck. If you see it, walk away slowly, unless you see it on the verge of tears, which means run as fast as you can so maybe, just maybe, you will make it back home alive. It’s easy to pity the duck, as it is in a state of constant pain and its very existence might qualify as animal cruelty, but for your own safety you should leave your sympathy at home, and leave yourself at home too. Unless the duck is in your home, which means it is no longer your home.

Additionally, the little yellow one with the lightning bolt tail is not The Cheat. It will not make funny videos and it cannot be bribed with pizza. But it can send tiny lightning bolts with its tail, and it will do so if scared, and it is likely to be scared most of the time surrounded by gigantic alien-looking things such as humanity. The hospitals are full enough treating those attacked by the duck, so it is highly advised to stay away from these monsters and their electric jolts.

It is also important to know that some start off as tiny, harmless, cute mini-dinosaurs, and then evolve into giant terrifying killers. This sort of thing happens with many animals, but these Pokemon, which have gone from virtual to totally real thanks to the power of millions and millions of people being obsessed with them, can be more large and terrifying than most, with the terror enhanced by their magical powers.

If these Pokemon existed in small numbers, then it might have been possible to keep them in relatively safe environments where they could slowly learn to trust humanity and ultimately become allies, as was the case in fictional stories involving these monsters. But there are millions, and it appears they have to be captured with actual, not-imaginary-things-on-your-phone, Poke Balls, or they will overrun everything. Don’t say we didn’t warn you that this might happen from playing the game so much. We didn’t warn you, but saying so is counterproductive.

This is not a game. If it were a game, you would be automatically equipped to defend yourself. But you’re not. And don’t even think of trying to shoot them – if they sense that you have any sort of firearm they will sense you are not fighting according to the rules and then they will break the rules as well, which will be about as safe for you as two hours of off-tune karaoke with the duck.

There may be no happy ending for this invasion which you have all brought upon yourselves. But on the bright side, the need to unite against this pocket monster menace should put an end to most of the hostility by humans against other humans.

It might not, but it should.

Global Warming is Zeus-Made, Not Man-Made

Greek God, Zeus, Mythology, Sculpture

The Internet – Summerish weather has persisted for months before the actual start of summer in the northern hemisphere, but no matter how many scientists try to pin this pattern on man-made global warming, this is simply not the case. The consistently high temperatures are not because of changes in the atmosphere because of pollution and such, but because Lord Zeus, Master of the Skies, has been making it warmer.

Lord Zeus, who recently awoke from a millennia-long nap about sixty years ago, has been manipulating the atmosphere to keep the weather warm primarily so he could look down at the women on Earth wearing as little clothing as possible, with about as much concern for the long-term consequences of his actions as he’s had for anything else he’s done in the past.

Now that the public has been informed of Lord Zeus’ activities, there could be some concern that many women will make an effort to cover up in order to prevent a “creepy old man” from staring at them from the sky, but Zeus insists such actions will be futile. This is because as the summer months progress, he will keep cranking up the heat to make sure no one is overdressed. He will also be causing abnormal atmospheric warmth to show that it’s been him doing it all these years, since obviously it has to be a supernatural being making all these changes because humans could not possibly be able to affect such drastic differences in weather conditions. He also insists that he is totally not creepy, and he doesn’t look old unless he wants to.

Once again, no matter how much credible-seeming scientists say otherwise, humans are not at fault for the heat which will cause all sorts of discomfort this summer. The actual culprit is Zeus, who is totally real.

TotesRealZeus.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Wendigos Planning to Take American Guns

Daemon, Vampire, Zombie, Creepy, Horror

 

The Internet – While many people fear the government will come to their house and take their guns away from them, there is no evidence that this will happen. However, there is a group which is planning to remove guns from homes, and that group is wendigos.

Wendigos, who are often considered to be monsters because of their insatiable appetite for human flesh, are fed up with the constant stream of gun violence within American society, and have decided as a group that they must do something about it. Billy Braineater, president of the Greater North American Wendigo Society (GNAWS), had this to say about the matter: “This wanton destruction of human life which we have observed through monitoring news outlets is deeply disturbing, because if it continues then there may be so few living humans remaining that there will be none left for us. So we must, as a method of self-preservation, find and destroy all human guns in order to keep the bodies fresh.”

Braineater went on to explain how wendigos have learned how to sniff out guns throughout the years, and they can smell for miles, so if you have a gun in your house they will be able to find it. Also, while the intention is only to go for the guns, if a wendigo sees a human while gun-hunting there is no guarantee that instincts and urges won’t take over, thus resulting in a dead, devoured human. It would be tragic, but nothing could be done about it except maybe not having a gun.

According to the NRA, which knows nothing about wendigos, this decision by GNAWS is all the more reason for people to buy guns in order to defend themselves against the supernatural threat.

At the time of this writing, Braineater was looking up information about Wayne LaPierre and other gun advocates so wendigos could go after them first.