This wall is so great, I can tell you that. It keeps all the sea monsters from coming onto the land, and mother nature paid for it.
Donald Trump recently complained on Twitter about the fake news media not talking about his accomplishments as president, but luckily for him TotesRealNews is real news. Therefore, unlike award-winning fake news organizations which seem more concerned with his problems than his achievements, TotesRealNews can and will report about some of the high points of the first two hundred days of President Trump.
The Gorsuch Confirmation
When Donald Trump became president, there was a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Antonin Scalia died suddenly on a hunting trip about a year earlier, and Barack Obama could not replace him. According to sources, this was Obama’s fault because he was incapable of not being hated by the Republican-controlled Congress and therefore this legislative body refused to permit confirmation hearings for Obama’s nominee. So Merrick Garland, an impeccably qualified and ideologically moderate federal judge, could not get onto the court and it was totally Obama’s fault, and then Obama didn’t even bother to appoint another potential Supreme Court Justice for Congress to reject.
After about a year of nothing happening on the Supreme Court front, Donald Trump became president and was elected as a Republican so the Republican-controlled Congress didn’t insist on blocking anyone he nominated. Then Donald Trump could have not bothered to nominate anyone, as has been the case with other vacant government positions. He also could have nominated himself, or Ivanka, or Ted Nugent, but he listened to advice and picked an actual judge with reasonable qualifications although maybe not such reasonable political views. After the nomination was made, Mitch McConnell saw that Donald Trump is not Obama and therefore allowed confirmation hearings for Neil Gorsuch, who was confirmed by a totally overwhelming mandate of 54% of the Senate.
This was one of President Trump’s greatest achievements, but he had others.
Has Not Wrecked Economy Yet
In the first 200 days of Donald Trump’s presidency, the stock market has continued to rise and employment numbers have gone up as well.This has not resulted in an across-the-board increase in wages, and at least one governor is trying to lower the minimum wage without any objection from Donald Trump, but rising Dow Jones and employment numbers are a positive development. Granted, the economy tends to change slowly and these numbers are believed by those who understand economics to be the result of policies enacted by the Obama Administration, but Donald Trump still managed not to ruin everything yet, which is something.
Trump, with the help of a complicit Congress, possibly could have gotten a law passed raising corporate taxes to 100% for any company which contributed to any campaign for a Democratic candidate. That would have crashed the economy quickly, but he didn’t do that. He also didn’t fire Steven Mnuchin as Treasury Secretary and replace him with Lindsay Lohan. Nor did he send out a series of tweets praising Russia’s communist tradition and promising harsh penalties for any company daring to make a quarterly profit of more than one percent.
Due to Donald Trump not totally destroying Obama’s economic momentum, the economy is not currently a total disaster, so that’s somewhat of an accomplishment.
Cracking Down on Gangs and Terrorists
The fake news media might assert that all recent presidents have done this, and maybe they are technically telling the truth, but Donald Trump talks about it more which means he’s doing a better job at it. The critics and the haters, of which there are many, worry that the heavy-handed anti-terrorism strikes might actually be a powerful recruiting tool for the terrorists, and they also show concern that the MS-13 hullabaloo is more about xenophobia than safety, but even if they are correct, Donald Trump is still promising action and taking it.
The Trump Administration is doing something which at least on the surface is a successful initiative. That should hush the critics who say Trump has done absolutely nothing in almost seven months, but even if it does not, the critics should be aware that there are even more accomplishments.
Deporting a Bunch of People
The deportation numbers might be even stronger than the employment numbers. And deportation helps unemployment as well, because it is impossible to be unemployed in the United States when you’ve been deported from the United States. The ICE, with help from volunteer services by right-wing activists, has helped kick lots and lots of people out of the country. Some of those kicked out have been actual criminals, and others have done nothing wrong except failing to have the proper paperwork.
Paperwork is important. Unless you are the President and your nosy enemies are insisting upon looking at your tax returns, producing paperwork is an essential aspect to being a law-abiding resident of this country. Therefore, according to this totally sound logic, those who claim to be victims of bureaucratic dysfunction or exorbitant filing fees are actually just victims of their own failure to file paperwork and the deportation of such people is an important accomplishment which Donald Trump is totally justified in being proud of.
The related goal of building a wall to keep illegal immigrants out hasn’t quite gone as planned, but no one is perfect, right? And while imperfect, Donald Trump has moved closer to this ideal with the next, less publicized, accomplishment.
Not Posting Game of Thrones Spoilers
There have been leaks all over the internet regarding plot points of the popular television series Game of Thrones, but none of these leaks have come from Donald Trump. In the tens of thousands of social media posts which Mr. Trump has unleashed upon the internet, it is believed that zero of them include any sort of spoilers about Game of Thrones. If all your Game of Thrones knowledge came from Donald Trump’s social media posts, you might believe that Jon Arryn is still alive and well, or at least as well as an old man can be with the lack of advanced health care services available in Westeros, except you might not have any idea who Jon Arryn was because you would know nothing about Game of Thrones.
While Donald Trump may have spoiled a lot of things, the first and foremost being November 9th for the majority of American voters, he has not spoiled Game of Thrones for anybody, and for that he should be commended. This might have been his greatest accomplishment if not for the next one:
Ridding the World of the Unicorn Menace
While Donald Trump Jr. has gotten most of the press for his hunting exploits, Donald Trump Sr. is actually the more accomplished hunter. If words on the internet are to be believed, President Trump’s hunting may have actually saved the world. Because he killed all the unicorns.
The doubters and the cynics might say there are no unicorns, and they’re correct now, but only because of the heroics of Donald Trump. It is a little-known fact that the woods within the Mar-a-Lago golf course contained unicorns, and those unicorns were getting stronger and more numerous by the year. According to unicorn experts, they would have been strong enough to leave the woods and challenge humans for American supremacy by 2020. Which is why Donald Trump had to kill them. For the sake of the people.
Since most people are not unicorn experts, most people do not know how difficult it is to kill a unicorn. Unicorns have extremely durable skin which cannot be damaged by gunfire or regular fire or basically anything else which humans use to kill each other. The only thing which kills a unicorn is a noogie from a world leader. The display of power literally kills them. This is a 100% effective strategy, but it had never been tried before. Donald Trump just knew how to kill unicorns by using the very good brain of his and by consulting unicorn experts, and this knowledge was why he bought the land which became Mar-a-Lago, and the true reason why he absolutely had to become president, even if he had to collude with Russia to win the electoral vote.
Once he became president, Trump’s true work was at the “Winter White House,” and this is the reason for his myriad golfing trips there. His golfing partners would be sworn to secrecy every time Donald Trump hit a ball near the woods, because after that happened Donald Trump would pick up the ball and walk into the woods alone, which is unconventional golf play even by Trump standards. Then the president would search for a solitary unicorn, since the plan would be extraordinarily dangerous if multiple unicorns were present, and then he would immobilize the unicorn temporarily by throwing the golf ball at its horn. If the ball missed, Trump would scurry out of there and claim he lost the ball, but if it made contact then the unicorn would be paralyzed for about a minute, giving Donald Trump ample time to administer the noogie and recover the ball and carry the ball back to the fairway, because anyone who just killed a dangerous horned beast deserves a decent lie.
Mr. Trump did this dozens of times throughout the first 200 days of his presidency, until all the unicorns of Mar-a-Lago, and therefore all the unicorns of the world, had been eradicated. It was hard work, but it had to be done, and Donald Trump was the only man who could do it. He could not admit to doing this, because the American people are not yet ready for their president to admit to killing unicorns, but what was done has still been done.
Even if Donald Trump doesn’t accomplish anything else in his remaining time in office, the unicorn slaying alone makes him one of the most heroic presidents of all time.