The Internet – Hillary Clinton recently lost a bunch of emails from her private server, but this time she has an explanation for the disappearance. The emails were sacrificed to a demonic entity known as the Internet Devil.
According to Ms. Clinton, the Internet Devil first approached her about email sacrifice in early 2008, but she rejected his advances, as she believed she would be able to defeat Barack Obama without the assistance of a monstrous creature from the pits of the netherworld. As her belief proved to be erroneous, and the stakes are higher this time around, she decided that if a deal with the Internet Devil was the only way she could be assured of winning this thing then gosh darn it she would have to make the deal. For the good of the country.
When asked about the contents of the sacrificed emails, Ms. Clinton said she wasn’t sure. “The Internet Devil doesn’t discriminate when he is feeding. Most likely a lot of them were pictures of Charlotte, my granddaughter, and some about the new baby which Chelsea will be having. Did you know I’m going to be a grandmother again? Isn’t that exciting? I expect most of the others were forwards of hilarious jokes from the internet, and everyone who knows me knows I love to laugh, and there could have been some messages to friends about Bill being Bill. Maybe there were a few dozen in there discussing policy matters from when I was Secretary of State a lifetime ago, and those will be lost forever as they have been consumed by the Internet Devil, but this is a small price to pay to ensure that I will…I mean that Donald Trump will not be president.”
Ms. Clinton was asked if any of the lost emails might have involved conversations between herself and Donald Trump, after which she abruptly ended the interview and threatened to sacrifice this entire publication to the Internet Devil.