Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

April the Giraffe Gives Brilliant Pro-Abstinence Speeches

The Internet – April the Giraffe has not only captured the attention of the human world, but of the giraffe world as well, although for different reasons.

For the past month, April has been speaking to her fellow giraffes through Skype and Snapchat and various other platforms, warning them to think twice and then maybe several more times after that before choosing to have sex. Because sex leads to pregnancy, and pregnancy can go on for an eternity with the baby spending over a month trying to come out but not actually leaving.

In her speeches, which can only be understood by giraffes because only giraffes understand giraffe language, April often demonstrates how difficult it can be to reach the good leaves at the top while being weighed down by a giant giraffe fetus which may not even be a fetus anymore but a young giraffe swiftly approaching adulthood while slowly leaving the womb. April emphasizes how domesticated giraffes may get some help in this area by human employees at zoos and animal preserves, but giraffes in the wild get no such assistance and should therefore be very careful about getting a belly full of baby.

According to our totally reliable giraffe translator, a brilliant giraffe who is able to communicate with humans by using its head to draw English words in the sand, while April is grateful for human help she also blames humans for her predicament. She feels humans encouraged the mating, and didn’t give her any access to giraffe birth control methods, and that’s why she’s been very big for a very long time. She also may have said some things which the source is reluctant to divulge due to potential retaliation, and considering what has already been divulged those may be some terrible things indeed.

What April may or may not have said in her giraffestinence talks is complete conjecture at this point, just like when she will actually give birth and stop complaining all the time.

Bears Shot Near Own Home, Girl Rescued

Bear, Animals, Nature


A small child wandered into the woods by herself, and somehow the story didn’t end without something awful happening.

The girl, who has blond hair and terrible parents, found her way into a forest this past weekend with no sign of her parents looking for her within a reasonable amount of time, and since this girl has no sense of respecting the privacy or personal space of others, she found a house with an unlocked door and then walked inside.

When she  got inside, most likely because her parents neglected to feed her breakfast, the girl went straight to the kitchen and then started eating food clearly meant for others. Not only did she finish an entire bowl of porridge, but she ate part of two other bowls, thus rendering two uneaten breakfasts unfit for consumption.

The girl, whose name has been withheld in order not to embarrass her family, even though her family totally deserves the embarrassment, then attempted to sit in a chair to watch television, thus adding to the electric bill for the unfortunate family whose home she invaded. But this girl, who will likely need special attention in school to improve her depth perception, sat in a chair which was obviously way too big before breaking a tiny one and then sticking around in a comfortable seat to watch maybe five minutes of cartoons before starting to feel tired.

Of course she felt tired. Messing up someone else’s house is hard work. So she went up to the bedroom, and after continued difficulty figuring out which bed best matched her body size, she took a nap.

During the nap, the house’s owners returned. This house belonged to a small family of talking bears, who were obviously upset about their eaten food and broken chair, and they were loud enough in expressing their displeasure for the girl to wake up. By the time the bears found the girl, they were no longer as angry, having realized if this girl got in so easily then this was a wake-up call for them to ¬†install locks in the house. And if they adopted her, the baby could have the big sister he’d otherwise never be able to have.

This conversation was quickly interrupted by sirens blaring throughout the forest. The girl had told a neighbor she wanted to go to the forest by herself some day soon, so the search party eventually made its way there, thus scaring the bears, prompting them to go outside, children in arms, to see what all the noise was about.

As the crowd got more hostile, the bears because agitated, growling and striking threatening poses to express willingness to defend themselves, but they were not able to defend themselves against the bullets which hit all three bears, including the baby.

The details to this story are only available because the girl filmed her entire adventure on her phone, which her parents gave her instead of attention. The blond-haired girl could not be reached for comment, as she is currently undergoing intensive therapy with a trauma specialist.