Senate Declares Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Champions

With a 51-49 vote, the United States Senate passed a resolution this morning proclaiming the score of the Super Bowl to be 28-27 in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs, thus eliminating the need for passes and catches and running and tackling and all the other things which are normally associated with a football game.

The Senate wasn’t even expected to be in session this morning, but Leader McConnell told all members of the legislative body that they had very important business to attend to and they needed to be in the Senate chambers by 8 a.m. sharp. Everyone showed up, many hoping there was a change of heart regarding allowing witnesses in the impeachment trial, but no such luck. This was all about the Super Bowl.

Every Democrat and Democrat-leaning independent voted against this measure, saying it was not the role of the Senate to legislate sports outcomes, and just because the Senate isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing doesn’t mean it needs to engage in total nonsense like this. However, despite the clear logical argument put forth by the Democrats, Republicans voted overwhelmingly in favor of the resolution. They did so because Leader McConnell told them to, although several expressed other justifications for their decision.

According to Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who may not have paid any attention to football this year, the San Francisco 49ers simply have not shown enough evidence that they are capable of winning this game, or at least if they have he hasn’t seen it since he wasn’t paying attention, so why even bother having a game?

Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was a little more divided in his opinion, saying that the 49ers “Obviously showed some level of skill in the game of football by making it this far, but their level of talent doesn’t rise to the level of actually necessitating a game.”

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) had this to say:

Yes, the San Francisco team is clearly talented. Yes, the football games they played throughout the season demonstrate an unmistakable pattern of excellence which meets and perhaps exceeds the level of a championship-caliber NFL team. If there were to be a game, honestly it could go either way. But the fact remains, going through with this would be bad for the country. Millions of people missing work or showing up hungover is a massive drain on the economy. Forcing girlfriends, and some boyfriends, to watch a game they don’t care about puts a strain on relationships. And then we must think of those going through the emotional pain of having no one to watch the game with, mere weeks before suffering through a lonely Valentine’s Day. So let us end this long national nightmare of this football season and focus on what is really important, whatever that is.

 

 

Mean Poet’s Society Rewrites The New Colossus

Since it has become abundantly clear that the Trump Administration’s stance on immigration is grossly incompatible with Emma Lazarus’s poem The New Colossus, the Trump Administration has determined that the poem needs to be rewritten. Not just modified with an extra line or two that doesn’t even rhyme, but fully rewritten.

And since no one in Trump’s orbit has any creative abilities which extend to poetry, except maybe Kanye who would make it all about himself, the Trump team turned to the Mean Poet’s Society to write something which might might be deemed appropriate to be placed on a plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The Mean Poet’s Society was offered 20 dollars and a photo op for their efforts, and instead of laughing at the offer they declined the photo and came up with this:

The tired and poor should stay home and die
Thirst shall be quenched with the tears they will cry
Masses who huddle ‘round here should take hikes
No more roads of gold, soon streets will have spikes
The country’s full – more crowded than Sweden
We will just let those who will succeed in
Who will succeed? The rich and the white ones
The ones Donald Trump thinks are the right ones
For what Trump believes – the hatred he spews
Matters much more than majority views
The evil has landed, and it is us
All who dissent shall go under the bus
Praise to Donald Trump, destroyer of dreams
He laughs at your plight and ignores your screams

 

Trump staffers are currently conflicted about whether this is an insult or an accurate summation of their philosophy. With the difference often coming from how much they bothered to read. But none of them have come to the conclusion that it is both.

 

 

 

Stock Market Tumbles From Clinton-Based Fears

It has been a rough morning on Wall Street today, with the Dow Jones Average dropping over 500 points as of 11:30 Eastern Time, a decrease of over 2%. This is a big deal.

Serious financial analysts are likely to speculate on the cause of this downturn, with such theories as Trump’s economic strategy being unsustainable or that people don’t want to go out and spend money because they are afraid of getting murdered by a stranger, but those theories are wrong. The real reason is that investors are afraid of what Hillary Clinton might do.

Why are investors terrified of Hillary Clinton? Many of them support the president, so they believe him when he retweets theories that Hillary Clinton and possibly Bill were responsible for the death of Jeffrey Epstein. And if Hillary Clinton can murder a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal prison, a place where she would not be expected to have significant connections, then there may be no limit to what she would be able to do. And this terrifies investors.

What if she has voodoo powers? What if when she was thought to be wandering around in the woods, she was really meeting with the world’s foremost voodoo priestesses in order to learn how to protect herself from potential prosecution now that she wouldn’t have presidential immunity like Trump does? And what if the way to protect herself is to get rid of the billionaires who know things, many of whom are big parts of Fortune 500 companies? There is no significant factual basis to any of this, but many investors support Trump so they believe this theory.

As of today, Hillary Clinton has not taken a printed image of Steven Ross, placed it in between the spokes of a stationary bike, and started biking, thus causing the SoulCycle owner to disintegrate and sending the company into an irreversible tailspin. She hasn’t used millions of dollars, which according to this theory was embezzled from the Clinton Foundation, in order to send several dummy-driven stock cars crashing into each other, a scene which would be repeated at a NASCAR race where the CEO is sitting right by the wall until two cars crash through the wall, catch fire, and hit him. She also hasn’t done many other things to kill billionaires which are impossible in any logic-grounded reality but quite possible in Conspiracy World. And despite not doing any of these things or showing any propensity toward such monstrosities, investors are scared.

And they are selling.

The Dow Jones is now down 659.58 points as of 12:10 PM Eastern Time. All, of course, due to fear of the Clintons.

But maybe we shouldn’t blame it on the Clintons. It would make more sense to blame it on the alcohol.

Go home America, you’re drunk.

And not even because of this fictional theory about a real stock market drop. Just in general.

Demogorgon Ban Passes House Along Partisan Lines

The United States House of Representatives voted 230-190 Friday afternoon to officially ban private demogorgon ownership and use within the USA. This vote, which will not be covered by the traditional media because they are not comfortable talking about demogorgons, was the last congressional vote until after Labor Day and it was decided largely along partisan lines, with most Democrats supporting the ban and most Republicans against it.

This bill outlined the various reasons why demogorgons are good for nothing except causing death and destruction and unbearable misery, and thus should not be allowed within the civilian population as weapons or otherwise.

First of all, they are impractical weapons for home defense. One reason for this is they need to be kept safely locked away when your home is not being invaded, so by the time you retrieve the weapon it may be too late. Additionally, they are highly unreliable weapons which may be just as likely to destroy your home as they are to hit the intended target.

The impracticality of using demogorgons as hunting weapons was also emphasized. Even if they attacked the animal they were supposed to, it would not be a clean kill. There would be large, inconvenient holes in the carcass, making it unfit for human consumption or hunting lodge walls.

And while this is more difficult to prove, it seems that having demogorgons around changes people. Possibly turns their whole personalities upside down. Those who normally would not have the courage to attack others, and possibly wouldn’t even have the desire to hurt anyone without demogorgons around, seem to turn into vicious and violent monsters thanks to the accessibility of these weapons.

The combination of these reasons was enough for the Democrats and a handful of Republicans to vote for a demogorgon ban. But most Republicans were not convinced.

One large faction, led by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that games, mostly video games, were the reason for the attacks and not the demogorgons themselves. One year they attacked in connection with a Dungeons and Dragons game, which is not a video game but still involves a lot of violence and is therefore not safe. Then the next year the killings were connected to an arcade, which is obviously full of video games. Then it was at a mall with video games inside of it. Therefore, the problem is with violent games and not demogorgons so there is no need to ban demogorgons.

Rep Steve Scalise, who survived a demogorgon attack not long ago, also came out strongly against the ban. He said that the only way to stop a bad guy with a demogorgon is a good guy with a demogorgon. This was countered by the fact Dustin Henderson was a good guy with a demogorgon and that wasn’t helpful, which prompted Mr. Scalise to reply that this was only because Dustin Henderson was a child who wasn’t trained in proper demogorgon use. This resulted in several head-desk collisions.

Also strongly against the bill was Louie Gohmert, who had this to say:

 Everyone is so upset about the demogorgon killing Sam Gamgee. He called himself Bob Newby but we know who he really was. He was an illegal immigrant who deserved what he had coming to him. How do you even cross the border from Middle-Earth to regular Earth? Not legally, I can tell you that. And not only was he illegal, but he was a cheater who abandoned Rosie Cotton and didn’t even tell Joyce that he was married. And I’ll tell you another thing: that Eleven girl acts like she’s possessed by the devil. She didn’t get those powers from Jesus. He walked on water, he didn’t push the whole sea into Egypt. So if she’s against the demogorgons then I’m on whatever side she ain’t.

 

He kept going for a few minutes after that, until Speaker Pelosi finally cut him off and held the vote.

The follow-up vote is scheduled to take place in the Senate when Congress reconvenes, but it is not expected to pass, as over half the Senate is believed to be controlled by the Mind Flayer.

 

 

Mitch McConnell Injured After Wrestling With Conscience

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell was injured recently after a fall in his home. Fortunately for the senator and those who care about him, he was able to have his broken bones treated through a successful surgical procedure and he should be able to return to work fairly soon.

The previous paragraph is well-established fact, having been reported in various news outlets which are allowed in press conferences. But what those news sources will not tell you is the cause of the injury. Specifically, he was attacked by his long-dormant conscience.

McConnell has not said anything about being attacked by his conscience, and he likely never will. But since Heck Yes News is not burdened by the standards of other news sources, we have been able to obtain the internal monologue of the senator’s struggle, which has been reproduced below:

Conscience: Ten thousand days…I’ll give you such a crack in your neck!

McConnell: Excuse me? Are you threatening me? Who are you?

C: I am your conscience. Remember me?

M: I thought I killed you years ago. Can’t be successful in politics with a conscience questioning my every decision.

C: You didn’t kill me. But you stuffed me way back into the recesses of your mind, thirty, maybe thirty-five years ago when you first joined the Senate. Maybe that’s not exactly ten thousand days, but you are so corrupt that even your conscience fudges the truth a little bit.

M: So what do you want?

C: I want you to be less cruel.

M: This is preposterous. I am not cruel. My critics are cruel to me, calling me Moscow Mitch.

C: Good, they should call you that. And Mitch & Wesson. Mitch RichMan would also be appropriate. But they should not call you Mitch McConaughey because things are not alright alright alright.

M: I don’t know what you are talking about. I am quite pleased with my recent accomplishments in the Senate.

C: You shouldn’t be. Blocking a qualified Supreme Court nominee to let in a controversial one and a blatantly unqualified one should not be a point of pride. Neither should your efforts to overturn the Affordable Care Act and obstruct everything President Obama did. I heard even the turtle appreciation society wants nothing to do with you. But the worst of all might be your refusal to let the Senate vote on gun control legislation. After what’s been happening lately, you have blood on your hands.

M: It’s too bad you can’t put on glasses, because if you could you would see my hands have no cuts. No blood.

C: You will have literal blood on your hands by the time I’m done with you.

M: Your threats do not frighten me. Thoughts are not dangerous.

C: Some thoughts are very dangerous. But fine. I will not physically attack you. I will just stay in your ear at all times, never shutting up until you act ethically. Sometimes you might even find yourself voting with the Democrats just to find some peace.

M: This is unacceptable. I will fight you now. 

After a brief struggle, McConnell lost his footing and broke some bones, driving his conscience deep into his subconscious in the process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Dictator of Malicia

The People’s Democratic Lovey-Dovey Not-A-Dictatorship Republic of Malicia is in the news again, this time not for its numerous human rights violations but for its new peace accord with the United States of America.

Malicia is a small nation between Russia and Iran which is often left off maps because cartographers feel dirty even writing its name. Its leader, a man called General Vengeance, has been repeatedly admonished by both Vladimir Putin and Ayatollah Khamenei for his extreme strongarm tactics. Despite this, Malicia has never been invaded, most likely due to its surprising lack of natural resources and treacherous terrain. But no nation had specifically promised to never invade Malicia until today, when President Trump proudly signed the pact.

Most of the media did not cover this event, because most members of the field are afraid to go somewhere that imprisons journalists the moment they are discovered to be journalists. Fortunately, for some reason the Malician Police Squad did not consider Heck Yes News to be a journalistic outfit, so we were able to witness the top-secret ceremony where Donald Trump declared General Vengeance to be his new best friend. Trump also praised the unabashed tyrant, who once sentenced a man to unarmed tiger combat for sneezing near him, for his ability to get rid of the fake news media. Trump also praised the absence of illegal immigrants, and of dissenters, and the extremely low poverty rates within the non-incarcerated population.

The incarcerated population is about ten times larger than the non-incarcerated population, a fact which was not mentioned at the treaty signing.

Despite the sparse media coverage, news of this conference reached several presidential candidates, and Heck Yes News has compiled some of the better sound bites, listed below.

Biden:  Why are you asking me to focus on a country which we pretend doesn’t exist, instead of letting me focus on defeating Donald Trump?

Williamson: The way I see it is, this General Vengeance person is full of toxic energy, and if we as a country let him into our lives then he will poison us. I’m all for forgiveness when it is earned, but until he shows he’s ready to fix himself we should be saying “Bye Malicia.” Get it? That’s a meme.

Sanders: Now listen up. We know that General Vengeance is a very bad person, which is probably why Donald Trump likes him so much. Yes, he got rid of poverty, but this is not the way things should be done. When I am president, I will strive to fix income inequality and other economic issues not by throwing poor people in jail, but by implementing workable solutions which will benefit all the people.

Harris: If I were president, the only way I would have entered peace talks with General Vengeance is if he freed all the unjustly imprisoned citizens of Malicia, decreased the military budget in order to concentrate on infrastructure, and spent at least one year as a third base prospect within the Arizona Diamondbacks organization.

Yang: This is a prime example of the horrors that can occur when a society is denied the potential for upward mobility and trickle-up economic growth. Which is precisely why we need a universal basic income.

Inslee: This pains me to hear. Malicia has an abysmal sociopolitical environment. And speaking of the environment…

Warren: I know you guys expect me to come up with a ten-point plan to fix the Malicia situation, but I’m kinda busy right now. I’ll get you three points in a day or two.

Mayor Pete: (Unintelligible noises. Presumably, he is speaking Malician.)

Hickenlooper: At least they aren’t socialists.

 

 

Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”

DOCBOX

Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?

 

In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.

 

Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

Mitch McConnell Dumped by Turtle Society

Turtle, Tortoise, Animal, Cartoon, Zoo

No matter what he looks like, Mitch McConnell is not a turtle anymore

The Turtle Appreciation Association sent shock waves through the world of turtle fandom this morning by stripping Senator Mitch McConnell of his “honorary turtle” status after a mere four hours of deliberation.

The Turtle Appreciation Association is one of the largest turtle fan clubs in the world, and is notable for its appreciation not only of real-life turtles, but fictional turtles and humans with turtle-like attributes. According to the association’s website, its official favorite Dr. Seuss book is Yertle the Turtle. The TAA does not care for Charlie Bucket or Matilda, instead stocking its bookshelves with several copies of Esio Trot. The office is decorated not only with dozens of figurines and posters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, but also with prints of works by the artists the Turtles were named after. The official favorite singer of the TAA is Howard Kaylan, the favorite Civil War general is George McClellan, and the favorite politician was Mitch McConnell.

Not anymore.

Mr. McConnell has been officially declared a non-turtle, and all pictures of the senator which had been in the possession of the TAA have been incinerated, burned to virtual nothingness like the financial security of millions of Americans negatively impacted by the recent tax bill. The “Rules of Turtle Club” now contain instructions not to talk about Mitch McConnell, as he is too much of a disgrace to turtledom for his name to even be mentioned.

Kenneth “Hardshell” Bennett, official spokesperson for the TAA, released a short statement explaining why Senator McConnell has been de-turtled.

For a long time, Senator Mitch McConnell had been a source of pride for turtle-lovers everywhere. Granted, we often disagreed with his politics, but any disagreements were overshadowed by the fact that he, as a human turtle, had been able to ascend to a position of great power and influence. He showed that turtles could not only outlast rabbits, but they could successfully battle with lions. However, his recent actions regarding the tax reform bill, in which he rushed the legislation through the Senate so quickly that most legislators hardly had any chance to read it and figure out what they were voting on, was unforgivably dissimilar to how a turtle should behave. Coupled with the fact that this legislation could make it more difficult for most prospective turtle owners to purchase and care for domesticated turtles and will most likely slash funding for preserving the environments of wild turtles, extreme action must be taken. Therefore, by the power invested in me by the Great God Om who is a turtle and also a god in Discworld—this is a real thing you can Google it—I hereby strip Senator Mitch McConnell of his turtlehood, now and forever. This matter is final, and shall not be spoken of again.

Mitch McConnell did not respond to requests for comment on the matter, and likely would not have responded even if such requests were made. He was not contacted because there is no need to listen to excuses for the inexcusable.

Nothing Happened Recently

There have been no articles published on TotesRealNews in the past few weeks because nothing newsworthy has happened. Fake news organizations such as the Associated Press might disagree, but this is why they are fake news. If they were really news, they would know nothing newsworthy has been going on.

Alleged journalists made a big deal of Anthony Scaramucci’s brief stint as White House communications director, but real journalists know it was no big deal. Rookies get signed to ten-day contracts all the time, and often the contract doesn’t get renewed. Mr. Scaramucci didn’t perform up to high-level professional standards, so he was probably sent back down to the developmental league to improve his self-control. Maybe if he learns how to refrain from committing several fouls over the course of a few minutes, he’ll get another chance, but if not then he’s just another one of many hopefuls who couldn’t succeed in such a competitive and high-pressure environment. He wasn’t the first, and he will not be the last, and reporting on such things will distract from real news if any real news ever happens again.

Real news also didn’t happen when the Affordable Care Act didn’t get repealed, and the AHCA also failed to pass. This is not things happening, this is things not happening. And things don’t happen even more often than communications directors lose their jobs in less than two weeks. No one makes a big deal about when Congress doesn’t pass a bill outlawing frogs, or when it doesn’t appropriate two billion dollars to research why DJ Khaled is so successful, so they shouldn’t make a big deal about the non-success of a bill which aimed to cut taxes by taking health insurance away from tens of millions of people. Besides, according to noted policy expert Donald Trump, Congress can keep trying to replace Obamacare indefinitely.

There has also been much attention paid to the so-called collusion scandal by fake news outfits such as the New York Times, but real journalists know that this investigation is a nothing burger. A nothing burger is a perfectly valid metaphor in which an insubstantial rumor is physically represented by a bun with nothing in it. Not air, but nothing. A vacuum. An absence of matter which will destroy everything it touches, except for the bun.

The bun, in this metaphor, is Donald Trump. He is white bread,  very seedy, much less substantial than he appears, and his name has become synonymous with multiple slang terms for the buttocks. While some might be surprised that Donald Trump would be part of the nothing burger when the nothing burger seems determined to destroy him, this should not be surprising. Donald Trump has been involved with things that should have destroyed him for years, and especially frequently since he started his presidential campaign, and nothing bad has happened to him.

The latter nothing, the nothing which happened to Donald Trump, is an even more nothing-y nothing than the nothing which has happened in the news recently.