Medicaid to be Replaced with “Doc Box”


Who needs a doctor when you can have this box?


In another cost-cutting procedure needed to pay for military parades or a wall or something super-important like that, the Trump Administration recently announced that low-income individuals and their families will no longer receive Medicaid benefits, instead receiving monthly “Doc Boxes” to help them with their medical needs.

These boxes will contain the following items in addition to ample packaging material:

—A thermometer. This is a simple way to tell whether you or your child needs to take a cold bath, assuming you live in a home with running water, or take an over-the counter fever reducer. The thermometer has been previously used and batteries are not fully charged, but you will get a new one next month anyway.

—40 tablets of generic Tylenol. This can help with ignoring headaches associated with the stress of being too poor to see a doctor, and might help with a fever as well. Make sure to conserve these tablets, however, because there won’t be any more coming until next month.

—80 tablets of generic Claritin. Whether your family needs it or not.

—Applesauce, rice, and toastable bread in case of a stomach flu. Also can provide some extra food in case the Harvest Box proves insufficient. You’ll have to get your own bananas, though, because those aren’t staying ripe for a month.

—1 cast and 1 sling. For dealing with sprains and breaks. If you need more than this, or can’t put the cast on without the help of a medical professional, or the bone is so severely broken that it needs more treatment than just a cast, maybe you should have thought of that before letting your kid climb a tree or jump on the bed while you were busy trying to figure out how to transform the contents of the Harvest Box into a meal for the night. Or frantically searching for a better job so you wouldn’t need to rely on these boxes. Whatever. Your complaints and excuses will be ignored. This is what you get from your not-at-all-socialist government, and that’s final.

—Generic Band-Aids and off-brand Neosporin to stop bacterial infections before they start. Because if they do start, there’s not much you’re going to be able to do about it.


Representatives from the Department of Health and Human Services have not responded to requests for comment about whether they are openly trying to kill poor people by doing this.

Nothing Happened Recently

There have been no articles published on TotesRealNews in the past few weeks because nothing newsworthy has happened. Fake news organizations such as the Associated Press might disagree, but this is why they are fake news. If they were really news, they would know nothing newsworthy has been going on.

Alleged journalists made a big deal of Anthony Scaramucci’s brief stint as White House communications director, but real journalists know it was no big deal. Rookies get signed to ten-day contracts all the time, and often the contract doesn’t get renewed. Mr. Scaramucci didn’t perform up to high-level professional standards, so he was probably sent back down to the developmental league to improve his self-control. Maybe if he learns how to refrain from committing several fouls over the course of a few minutes, he’ll get another chance, but if not then he’s just another one of many hopefuls who couldn’t succeed in such a competitive and high-pressure environment. He wasn’t the first, and he will not be the last, and reporting on such things will distract from real news if any real news ever happens again.

Real news also didn’t happen when the Affordable Care Act didn’t get repealed, and the AHCA also failed to pass. This is not things happening, this is things not happening. And things don’t happen even more often than communications directors lose their jobs in less than two weeks. No one makes a big deal about when Congress doesn’t pass a bill outlawing frogs, or when it doesn’t appropriate two billion dollars to research why DJ Khaled is so successful, so they shouldn’t make a big deal about the non-success of a bill which aimed to cut taxes by taking health insurance away from tens of millions of people. Besides, according to noted policy expert Donald Trump, Congress can keep trying to replace Obamacare indefinitely.

There has also been much attention paid to the so-called collusion scandal by fake news outfits such as the New York Times, but real journalists know that this investigation is a nothing burger. A nothing burger is a perfectly valid metaphor in which an insubstantial rumor is physically represented by a bun with nothing in it. Not air, but nothing. A vacuum. An absence of matter which will destroy everything it touches, except for the bun.

The bun, in this metaphor, is Donald Trump. He is white bread,  very seedy, much less substantial than he appears, and his name has become synonymous with multiple slang terms for the buttocks. While some might be surprised that Donald Trump would be part of the nothing burger when the nothing burger seems determined to destroy him, this should not be surprising. Donald Trump has been involved with things that should have destroyed him for years, and especially frequently since he started his presidential campaign, and nothing bad has happened to him.

The latter nothing, the nothing which happened to Donald Trump, is an even more nothing-y nothing than the nothing which has happened in the news recently.



Insurance Company No Longer Covering Broken Bones

Bone, Broken, Injury, Accident, Fracture

Rukya says this isn’t so bad

The Internet – Insurance giant Rukya is causing somewhat of an uproar in the medical community due to its recent change in policy eliminating broken bones from the list of medical conditions which it is willing to cover.

Rukya CEO Richard Katz-Gruber released a statement Friday in which he called most hospital patients “wimps” who “wouldn’t know a serious medical condition if it bit them in the gluteal region,” which also would not be covered under the new policy. Bites and breaks, according to Katz-Gruber, are such minor inconveniences that they shouldn’t even be reasons to complain, let alone go to the hospital and expect treatment.

Rukya, which had already been under serious media scrutiny after the rumors they would not honor malpractice insurance for medical practices which didn’t buy $40 bags of cotton gauze from Katz-Gruber’s cousin’s medical supply company, is expected to emerge from this scandal with little permanent damage. Companies like Rukya often do. It will be fine.

People with broken bones and Rukya plans, on the other hand, are not fine. One prospective patient, who asked for his name to be omitted due to potential retribution by Rukya, is furious after suffering a badly fractured ulna in a hiking accident Saturday morning. He would be shaking his fists with rage, except he cannot move his right arm, which has been been stabilized in a sling he got in a 24-hour-clinic. The clinic would not treat broken bones, however, so his healing process is expected to be long and arduous. Perhaps he will be able to switch insurers eventually, but that process is also long and difficult.

To those such as the broken-armed man in the above paragraph, Katz-Gruber has this to say: “Suck it up. The American health care system is a great one, and you are so much better off than you would have been many years ago. You can still get slings and splints. You can still get over-the-counter pain relievers to help with all the discomfort, the so-called pain, you’re whining about. And if you have enough money you’ll hardly be inconvenienced at all. So what if you feel disrespected? When did that ever hurt anyone? What hurt people is having to get their limbs amputated with an unsanitary saw because there was nothing else to do when your bone is broken. So be grateful for what you have and stop complaining.”

As of press time, no one who was told to stop complaining had expressed any intention to stop complaining.

Mario Mario Wins Landmark Lawsuit

Plunger, Toilet, Plumber

The Internet – Legendary plumber and adventurer Mario “Super Mario” Mario has emerged triumphant once again, this time in a lengthy legal battle with his insurance company.

Doctor Doctor, spokesman for the Nintendoc Medical Group, testified that his organization can no longer afford to provide insurance for someone so reckless as Mr. Mario. “For years, decades even, this man has been putting himself in mortal danger on a daily basis. He frequently puts himself at risk for severe burns, bullet wounds, broken bones from lengthy falls, puncture injuries from colliding with spikes, drowning, and whatever it is about walking into turtles and mushroom things that hurts him so much. Not to mention all the hand and wrist injuries from punching bricks all the time.”

“Because of this,” Doctor added, “Mr. Mario needs frequent medical treatments, often with illegal drugs which carry extra costs due to being, you know, illegal. He also dies on a regular basis and expects us to resurrect him for a copay of a hundred gold coins. Do you know how much it costs to resurrect someone? A heck of a lot more than a hundred gold coins, I can tell you that much.”

“Besides,” Doctor concluded, “We’ve all seen Mr. Mario in a lab coat with a seemingly infinite supply of medicine which he throws into a bottle which must be at least fifty feet tall. So how come he needs us to medicate him instead of giving those pills to himself?”

When asked for a rebuttal to Doctor Doctor’s statement, the plaintiff said, “It’s a-me, Mario. I have a pre-existing condition. It’s a-called being a hero. I must-a save-a the Princess.”

The court ruled in favor of Mr. Mario, citing the illegality of denying coverage due to pre-existing conditions according to the Affordable Care Act.

Due to this landmark case, other luminaries such as Link, the Ninja Turtles, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Prince of Persia, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, and those crazy marbles can all rest assured that they will be able to continue their adventures without fear of losing their insurance coverage.