Stock Market Tumbles From Clinton-Based Fears

It has been a rough morning on Wall Street today, with the Dow Jones Average dropping over 500 points as of 11:30 Eastern Time, a decrease of over 2%. This is a big deal.

Serious financial analysts are likely to speculate on the cause of this downturn, with such theories as Trump’s economic strategy being unsustainable or that people don’t want to go out and spend money because they are afraid of getting murdered by a stranger, but those theories are wrong. The real reason is that investors are afraid of what Hillary Clinton might do.

Why are investors terrified of Hillary Clinton? Many of them support the president, so they believe him when he retweets theories that Hillary Clinton and possibly Bill were responsible for the death of Jeffrey Epstein. And if Hillary Clinton can murder a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal prison, a place where she would not be expected to have significant connections, then there may be no limit to what she would be able to do. And this terrifies investors.

What if she has voodoo powers? What if when she was thought to be wandering around in the woods, she was really meeting with the world’s foremost voodoo priestesses in order to learn how to protect herself from potential prosecution now that she wouldn’t have presidential immunity like Trump does? And what if the way to protect herself is to get rid of the billionaires who know things, many of whom are big parts of Fortune 500 companies? There is no significant factual basis to any of this, but many investors support Trump so they believe this theory.

As of today, Hillary Clinton has not taken a printed image of Steven Ross, placed it in between the spokes of a stationary bike, and started biking, thus causing the SoulCycle owner to disintegrate and sending the company into an irreversible tailspin. She hasn’t used millions of dollars, which according to this theory was embezzled from the Clinton Foundation, in order to send several dummy-driven stock cars crashing into each other, a scene which would be repeated at a NASCAR race where the CEO is sitting right by the wall until two cars crash through the wall, catch fire, and hit him. She also hasn’t done many other things to kill billionaires which are impossible in any logic-grounded reality but quite possible in Conspiracy World. And despite not doing any of these things or showing any propensity toward such monstrosities, investors are scared.

And they are selling.

The Dow Jones is now down 659.58 points as of 12:10 PM Eastern Time. All, of course, due to fear of the Clintons.

But maybe we shouldn’t blame it on the Clintons. It would make more sense to blame it on the alcohol.

Go home America, you’re drunk.

And not even because of this fictional theory about a real stock market drop. Just in general.

Trump Desperately Seeking Real Name of RussianStiltskin

 

The Internet – While the media has been reporting on various difficulties faced by the Trump Transition Team, it has yet to cover what may be the most pressing issue faced by the president-elect, which is what the obscure Russian hacker RussianStiltskin’s real name is.

RussianStiltskin has kept such a low profile that he, or possibly she because the hacker’s identify is totally unconfirmed, has never been reported on before, but this person may be among the most important players in recent world history. This is because RussianStiltskin spun straw man arguments into political gold by manipulating information on the internet to make voters think Hillary Clinton was in favor of going to war with Russia. And thanks to this hacking, Donald Trump owes an enormous debt to this code-named Russian hacker.

The debt which Trump owes is not a concrete financial sum, which he would also likely do everything within his power to avoid paying, but a promise of his first-born. Unless Donald Trump can guess RussianStiltskin’s actual, legal name before the Electoral College votes on December 19th and Mr. Trump’s impending presidency is expected to become even more official, RussianStiltskin insists that Trump’s first-born is as good as gone.

By first-born, RussianStiltskin does not mean Donald Trump Junior. Although the former reality show star’s oldest child is apparently is of some value to Donald Trump, since if RussianStiltskin took Donald the Younger then┬ásomeone else would have to do things like conducting interviews for Secretary of the Interior, Donald the Elder’s most prized offspring is his first-born skyscraper, Trump Tower.

The efforts to save Trump Tower have grown more frantic as time went on. At first it was the e-mails. Although there were other legitimate political reasons to want to know what potentially unethical activity was going on in Hillary Email Land, the primary motivation for Trump pressing the issue was the hope that these e-mails contained RussianStiltskin’s real name. Perhaps the CIA found out and told Hillary so she could use such information to make a deal with Trump at the last minute. Perhaps RussianStiltskin was a double agent in constant contact with Hillary Clinton. Perhaps RussianStiltskin wasn’t Russian at all, but was actually a Clinton ploy to humiliate Donald Trump. All of these possibilities were no less unlikely than some of the more ridiculous conspiracies on the internet, but when many of the emails were found, they revealed no information about RussianStiltskin.

The next step in the attempt to keep Trump Tower was Donald Trump’s insistence he would not live full-time in the White House, and that his youngest son would barely be there at all. There were other justifications for this decision, but the real reason was that if the Secret Service needed to be in Trump Tower at all times to protect the Trump family, the Secret Service would also be able to protect the first-born skyscraper from RussianStiltskin. And they may be able to protect the tower temporarily, but RussianStiltskin appears to be powerful enough that even the protection of the Secret Service is unlikely to keep the tower in Trump’s possession for the rest of the year. So another plan became necessary.

For the next plan, which may have been even more far-fetched than the rest, Trump attempted the gain the Babadook’s attention through a Twitter altercation and then use his masterful negotiating skills to persuade the Babadook to find and terrify RussianStiltskin until the hacker’s birth name was revealed. This plan came crashing down when Trump found himself unable to convince the Babadook to stop taunting and threatening Donald Trump, and therefore there was no chance of convincing the Babadook to cooperate in a scheme to save Trump Tower.

After the epic failure of the Babadook plan, Mr. Trump began nominating highly unqualified people, many of whom seemed to be morally opposed to the job they were supposed to do, to various Cabinet posts and other high-level government positions. This was done in the hope such gross incompetence would sway the Electoral College not to vote for him, thus nullifying his deal with RussianStiltskin, but as of press time there does not seem to be enough anti-Trump sentiment in the Electoral College to save Trump Tower from this secretive cyber-criminal. This may change in the coming days, but it looks like the only options might be to give up Trump Tower or take even more desperate measures.

Donald Trump might have to use his own money to pay for information regarding RussianStiltskin. But only as an absolute last resort.

Clinton Family Allegedly Operating Space Brothel

The Internet – Fake news has been getting extra attention in recent days due to someone firing an assault rifle in a pizza place and claiming he went there because of a fake news article, but words on the internet confirm that this incident was due to a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie. The illegal operation which Edgar Welch aimed to break up is actually located on the Ping-Pong Comet, not the Comet Ping-Pong restaurant.

Comet 2016 BA14, usually called PanSTARRS but also known as the Ping-Pong Comet because its relatively small size makes it resemble a ping-pong ball when viewed from the Earth, came within about two million miles of this planet earlier in the year. Two million miles is about ten times as far away as the moon is, so for most people that would be a prohibitive distance, but according to words on the internet it is not too far for the Clintons. Their level of power and influence is so great that when the interstellar flying object came within three million miles, they were able to hop over there and move their nefarious “House of Love” to the comet so they could not be prosecuted for this particular criminal enterprise.

Some people might wonder why the Clintons would employ sex workers in space when they have enough money already and should have been too busy with their legitimate public activities to engage in such nefarious criminality, but such people live in a left-wing bubble where reality is shaped by evidence-based facts. For other people, whose perception of reality is more fluid and tends to be shaped by what they want to believe, if something is terrible then the Clintons will be doing it because that’s what horrible people do, and in this version of reality the Clintons took a day trip in March to set up an interstellar brothel where they can do whatever they want, including bring children to this brothel. The children are there in order to not be separated from family members who work at the Clinton Space Brothel, but those who are looking to be outraged can and will draw different conclusions about why there are children present.

Also in this version of reality, the Clintons are operating a space shuttle for clients to get to and from the Ping-Pong Comet, and this is being paid for with hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Because the Clintons control NASA, or something.

This angered a well-known resident of alt-reality:

No matter which version of reality you live in, if you want to put a stop to this alleged operation, you will not be able to use the Clinton Shuttle. If you live in Fact-Based Reality, you cannot do so because such a shuttle does not exist, and if you live in the other reality the Clintons have been spying on you and know what your plan is and therefore would never allow you to ride on their spaceship. But if you’re smart enough, and determined enough, and work hard enough to make enough money to afford the materials required to build a spaceship, then you might be able to make your own spacecraft and fly it to the comet and put a stop to all the horrible things which are going on in the space brothel. But to do so you will need to spend years dedicated to the cause, thinking of nothing else. Certainly no time for voting or any other political activities.

President Obama appears to be at least a bit skeptical about this, as evidenced by this totally real tweet:

But President Obama lives in Left-Wing, Fact-Based Reality, so those who live elsewhere can draw their own conclusions.

Leaked Trump Speech Links Clinton to Alt-Delete Movement

Lollipop, Candy, Sugar, Food, Kids

The Internet – Alleged presidential candidate Donald Trump planned to give a short speech in the near future responding to Hillary Clinton’s speech associating the Trump Campaign with the controversial alt-right movement, but the speech has been leaked. And we have it. In its entirety. Here it is:

Greetings, Dum Dums.

I meant this with love, of course. Dum Dums are great. They are one of the best candies. And you are the best supporters.

Now some people, and these people are not very smart, are saying perhaps you are not the best supporters. That you are part of something called the alt-right which everyone should be scared of as if you are Muslims or Mexicans, and I am very confident you are neither. You are also not alt-right, at least not in the way my opponent says you are, because you are just right. People who support me are right. People who don’t support me are wrong. It’s that simple.

Speaking of people who are wrong, Hillary Clinton has some nerve accusing me of being close with an alt group, when she has an alt group of her own. Not only do they support her, but every decision she makes is because of these people, and I use the term loosely. I would call it the control-alt-delete movement, because she is always resetting herself, but she is out of control. She’s totally lost it. So it’s just alt-delete.

Now I know you’re very smart people, but sometimes you have better things to do with your intelligence than learn things about Crooked Hillary, but I have the best people telling me about her, and those people tell me she changed her mind a lot. These same people also tell me that’s like resetting a computer to start over. She changed her mind so much it’s literally unbelievable. She used to be for going to war in Iraq, and now she’s against that decision. She’s even switched political parties over the course of her life. There are other things too, and I’m sure they are also awful. I mean how can someone consider voting for someone who changes their mind so much? It’s inconceivable.

Not only is Crooked Hillary involved with the alt-delete movement, but also the regular delete movement. She’s always deleting things. E-mails, am I right? But it doesn’t stop there. She’s trying to delete the glass ceiling, which is a very important part of business structures everywhere. She even tried to get me to delete my Twitter account, which of course I didn’t. I hardly ever listen to anyone so obviously I won’t take advice from Crooked Hillary, who wants to delete some of the wealth of the world’s greatest Americans. But I respect greatness, so I would give them money. And Mexico will pay for it.

Thank you, and God help America.

 

Clinton Campaign Creates Ad Depicting Trump as Donkey Kong

 

Arcade Games, Video Games

The blue machine might have Donkey Kong, and Ms Pac-Man on the red one.

The Internet – In response to the Ms. Pac-Man ad released by the Trump campaign, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign’s digital team worked non-stop for hours and made an ad showing Donald Trump as the iconic villain Donkey Kong from the classic arcade game.

In this ad, a huge ape with Donald Trump’s head on its body stands at the top of a series of staircases, beating his chest, and throwing giant barrels down at anyone who tries to get to the top and achieve their dreams.

The first to try to come up is a hard-working Mexican-American family, one which is certainly not the worst Mexico has to offer, just a few decent people trying to make a living in their new country. But they don’t get to make a living because Donald Kong crushes them with a barrel. Then a Muslim-American family, at least as patriotic and sympathetic as the first one, also tries to climb the ladder and also gets seriously injured by the heavy wooden object. Then a Trump-supporting woman and her baby start going up the ladder, and the baby starts crying, and they also fall victim to the Trump Barrel. Finally, a bald eagle in a red-white-and-blue top hat attempts to move from the bottom to the top, followed almost immediately by a shriek and feathers flying everywhere, as Donald Kong continues to grin and beat his chest.

This is a long ad, but the Clinton campaign decided the investment was worth it in order to spread the message that Donald Trump would destroy America, this time using language language “the young people” would understand.

Before the ad’s release, the footage somehow got leaked to Donald Trump, who said he planned on using it to support his own campaign, as it showed him taking a strong stand against his enemies, “and so what if a bird got in the way one time. There are plenty of birds.”

At that point, there was much wringing of hands and cradling of heads within the Clinton campaign, and it is uncertain whether the ad will be released, but this ad was certainly made no matter what anyone in any of the campaigns tells you.

 

Trump Names Clinton as Veep Pick

Trump, Facade, Identity, Question

 

The Internet – Donald Trump has chosen his vice presidential pick a full day ahead of schedule, and he has chosen Hillary Clinton. This is seen as a controversial choice, as Ms. Clinton is a Democrat and also Donald Trump’s presumptive opponent in the general election, but Mr. Trump defended his choice in the press release reproduced below:

I am proud to introduce Secretary Clinton as my running mate for the upcoming election. This will not be a traditional partnership, as she will not be joining me on the campaign trail because she will be running her own crooked campaign instead, but she is still the best choice for my vice president for several reasons.

The first reason is to provide balance on the ticket. The Republican Party is the Party of Lincoln, and Lincoln taught us the importance of picking someone very different in order to appeal to as many voters as possible. By choosing a woman with mostly liberal policies and Southern roots and a background of strong religious faith as well as demonstrated respect for actual facts, this should help our ticket cover almost all of the voting demographics. This will be especially effective in getting the votes of independent voters who want a conservative ticket, but not an insanely conservative ticket.

Additionally, our campaign decided to make this choice to show how my supporters are the best supporters, who will support me no matter what. I’ve already said I could commit a capital offense in plain sight and they’d vote for me, and I still believe that to be true. However, I cannot do such a thing, since even with the best lawyers I would still probably have a tough time campaigning from prison. But what I can do is show that my supporters are so great that they will vote for me even if I pick Crooked Hillary as my vice president. And they are the greatest, so even putting Crooked Hillary on the ticket won’t stop any of them from voting for me.

Finally, I have made this decision to keep me motivated to continue performing my job as president. After all, being president is hard work, and far less profitable than running for president, so if my vice president was a fellow conservative then when the going got tough, it would be tough not to get going back to the hotel business. But if quitting means Crooked Hillary becomes president, I promise you I would never, ever do that. I swear on my record of integrity as a businessman and political candidate that once I am president and she is vice president, I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays that way.

Thank you, and God – who, by the way, I have a great personal relationship with – bless America.

When reached for comment on this decision, Secretary Clinton shook her head and laughed, and then said she was going to take a short break from campaigning to go furniture shopping.

Hillary Clinton, Accidental Matchmaker

Wood, Wood Art, Wood Carving

 

The Internet – Love is in the air, sometimes, and even when it isn’t, people still find excuses to get together. And lately, more and more people are being inspired by Hillary Clinton to find those excuses.

One such person is 27-year-old Stephanie Kellerman, who had a mediocre first date which likely would have gone nowhere, but thanks to Ms. Clinton, Ms. Kellerman is planning to move in with 29-year-old Benjamin Janikowski. According to Ms. Kellerman, “Ben, when I met him, was meh at best. We ate at what he said was an established Italian restaurant, and it was a Ray’s Pizza, and he said he was running short on cash so we had to split the bill. He also did this weird thing where he would take some of the cheese off his pizza and roll it into a ball and eat the whole giant cheeseball at once and I was a little worried he was going to choke to death. He also talked with his mouth full, and mostly talked about himself.”

In any year before 2016, Ms. Kellerman claims she would not have even spent the whole meal sitting at the same table as Mr. Janikowski, but the presidential campaign made her reconsider. Just as Donald Trump makes it easier to settle for Hillary Clinton despite the question marks and reports of dangerously careless behavior, the possibility others would be significantly worse makes it easier to settle for Ben. After all, he didn’t show any sign of actively trying to make her life worse, and during the brief moments he wasn’t totally wrapped up in himself he did seem like he cared about her a little bit. If she doesn’t settle, as the election is teaching her, she could end up with worse. Much worse. And it’s too much trouble to find someone who is likely to make her very happy, so she’s holding her nose and sticking with Ben and hoping there won’t be anything problematic about him besides what she already knows about.

So they’re probably getting married, maybe not for a long time, but they can expect four to eight years of a maybe-not-totally-disastrous partnership. Perhaps there would have been better options for both of them, but there could be worse ones as well, and the worse options have to be avoided at all costs.

Even if the cost is as high as a Kellerman-Janikowski marriage. Or a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Punxsutawney Nate Sees Protester

Groundhog, Rodent, Shadow

 

Punxsutawney Nate, Phil’s politically oriented brother, saw a political protester this morning, signifying an expected six more months of bitter arguments related to the 2016 election. This includes five months leading up to election day, and another full month arguing and griping about the results.

If Nate had not seen the protester, then perhaps discourse in the United States would have taken a turn for the more reasonable, with a vast majority of potential voters agreeing to support the only remaining candidate with a reasonable chance of winning and a reasonable chance of not totally destroying the country. And those who refuse to vote for this person for whatever reason would realize that the opinions of others are about as unlikely to change as their own opinions are, and wouldn’t talk about it very much. Additionally, those who are especially enthusiastic about this candidate would not gloat about the likely presidency, thus angering the many, many, many people who do not like her and find the prospect of voting for this person to be difficult, if not impossible.

Peace and civility may have been possible, if only Nate did not see the protester. But he did, so there will be bitter arguments between all sorts of people, often including those who have nearly identical political beliefs, but differ in their ability to accept the candidate believed to be the lesser of two evils. Also expected are ample arguments among those who can’t agree which unpopular presumptive nominee is actually the less evil one. There will be marches and shouting and physical violence and unwillingness to even go on FaceBook because of all the nasty political posts which will show up in the news feed. All because of Nate.

Thanks, Nate.

Obama should be off the hook somewhat, because everything, or at least everything related to political arguments, is Nate’s fault now.

The only thing to do now is to gather the pitchforks and go to Punxsutawney to do a little non-insured operation on Nate’s eyes so he doesn’t cause any more trouble in the next major election.

It’s really not significantly less reasonable than much of what you’re going to end up seeing on the internet in the coming months.

 

Poker National Committee Declares 2016 Main Event Champion

 

Ace, Jack, Lady, Stock And As, Heart

The Internet – No matter what happens in Las Vegas in July, the World Series Main Event champion for 2016 will be Phil Ivey.

According to Poker National Committee chairperson Diana Waxman-Binion, leaving the Main Event up to chance and actual results is too risky. When you do that, as in last year, the person who is supposed to represent the poker world to the non-poker world could be someone like Joe McKeehen, who has no interest in acting as a poker ambassador. And that, according to Ms. Waxman-Binion, is not acceptable, which is why the champion has to be chosen in advance.

While Ivey is the presumptive champion, and barring an unforeseen turn of events will win the championship bracelet along with millions of dollars, the game still will be played, with all but the top three places available to the general public as long as interested parties raise enough money to get in the game.

The second place finisher is expected to be Daniel Negreanu, the likable and passionate northerner who has the ability to provide enough of a challenge to Ivey to make it seem like a legitimate competition. Third place will go to Vanessa Selbst, marking the highest ever Main Event finish by a woman. And fourth, according to Waxman-Binion, could be you.

The main reason for choosing Ivey as champion, rather than the more popular Negreanu, is his perceived qualification for the title. Ivey is an experienced and talented poker player who has long been seen as arguably more deserving of the championship than anyone else. He has come close multiple times, including once in the late 2000’s when, fairly late in the game, it looked like he was going to win the whole thing. His qualifications are so impeccable that a relative lack of recent success, and allegations of cheating in casinos which held up in court, do not serve as deterrents. Barring a series of unforeseen events, he will be the winner, and that’s that.

Waxman-Binion further explained that Ivey, Negreanu, and Selbst will not be required to play in July since preliminary rounds, when conducted remotely fairly, can be far too unpredictable. Instead, the non-chosen candidates for WSOP prize money will play until six players remain, and those six will join the chosen professionals in November. At the final table, Ivey will start with 60 percent of the chips, Negreanu will have twenty percent, Selbst will have ten percent, and the remaining ten percent will be divided among the six others, proportionally, based on their chip stacks at the end of July.

Ivey, Negreanu, and Selbst are all expected to object to this arrangement, claiming they want to win fairly based on talent and a little bit of luck, but their objections will be irrelevant. This is bigger than they are, it has already been decided, and it cannot be changed.

At least, it cannot be changed without something unexpected happening. And unexpected things can’t be expected to happen.

 

 

*Timely update: The 2016 World Series of Poker champion was not Phil Ivey, perhaps because the PPC read this article and decided a change of plans was in order.