Baby Jesus Is Crying Again

Things are less than heavenly in the Celestial Plane due to some unwelcome noise, with that noise being the crying of Baby Jesus. The baby, who is the infant form of Jesus and coexists with Grown-Up Jesus, started this violent, tear-filled tantrum about twenty minutes ago and has shown no sign of stopping.

There has been much speculation regarding what has caused Baby Jesus to cry. There is one school of thought which blames the tears on women choosing to end their pregnancies after zygotes have been formed in their bodies, a practice expressly forbidden by numerous religious authorities. Similar people also theorize that the tears might be due to same-sex relationships and marriages and wedding cakes, the first of which is forbidden by a couple of bible verses which are thought to be mistranslated. They might think Baby Jesus is crying due to violent video games or people having too much fun in general, but none of that is true. Baby Jesus does not care about these things.

A different, more liberal school of speculators believes the tears of Baby Jesus might be due to atrocities committed by ICE and within the camps by the US-Mexico border. Or by the numerous cases of police brutality in recent years and the NFL’s continued refusal to hire Colin Kaepernick for what seem to be purely political reasons. Or the terrifying frequency of mass shootings within the USA and the Republican-led government’s refusal to do anything about it. Or the Amazon rainforest burning down. Or the Amazon corporation’s controversial business practices. Or that not only is Donald Trump still president, but deranged populists around the world have been elected to the head of their respective governments. But no, Baby Jesus is not bothered by any of this. Maybe you should be, but Baby Jesus doesn’t care.

Baby Jesus is crying because he is a baby. Crying a lot is what babies do. There is probably a reason, but that reason is not the news. Case closed.

Report: Baby Jesus Not Always Sweet

Baby, Crying, Infants, Cry, Kid, Little

 

The Internet – According to a report from the ethereal, heavenly plane, Baby Jesus has not been nearly as sweet as many people seem to think he is.

Like many babies, the mood of Baby Jesus has reportedly turned sour with little notice and little apparent reason. Years ago, his nurse Jennifer was late with his bottle, which upset Baby Jesus far more than anything which occurs on Earth, and the Holy Baby has been causing bad luck for random Jennifers ever since, although ┬áhe’s expected to get over it soon because Nurse Jenny has been perfect since the Late Milk Incident. The Jennifers of the world can only hope.

There has also been conflict between Adult Jesus and Baby Jesus. Reports do not indicate any violence or loud hostility on Adult Jesus’s part, but Adult Jesus has expressed disappointment that people often seem to be more concerned with Baby Jesus’s opinion, even though Baby Jesus is an eternal baby and barely understands anything. In response to this, their Father explained how many are drawn to Baby Jesus because he is seen as embodying the innocence they wish to see more of in the world. Also, while many religious conservatives don’t agree with many of the teachings of Adult Jesus, it’s hard to argue with a baby.

The report concluded with an account of Baby Jesus throwing his diaper across the room because it was “yucky”, and then laughing hysterically when the diaper hit Adult Jesus in the chest, staining the white shirt Adult Jesus is always wearing.

 

 

 

Radical Islam Indicted on Multiple Counts of Murder

Gavel, Justice, Wooden, Mallet

 

The Internet – A Texas Grand Jury has recently decided radical Islam – not an unfortunately named human being but the vaguely defined ideological term – should stand trial for multiple murders throughout the state.

According to grand jury foreman Chris Murka, “Radical Islam has caused far too much trouble in this great country. As I have always said, guns don’t kill people, radical Islam kills people. It is like a virus, and once it infects people they are no longer in control of their own actions and they will just start murdering everyone, and you can’t hold people accountable for such actions, so it is obviously radical Islam’s fault.”

A juror who asked not to be named due to opinions which could be dangerous in Texas argued that what is called radical Islam is often just an excuse for angry people to lash out against the world, which caused Murka to get angry and strike the juror, exclaiming that he didn’t follow Islam, radical or otherwise, but maybe this dissenting juror did so maybe she should go back to Afghanistan.

When asked how radical Islam would be punished if found guilty of the murders, as you cannot jail an intangible concept, Murka said, “We’re gonna kill it. We’re gonna kill it with guns. Everyone who has been infected with the radical Islam virus will be rounded up and shot so it won’t be able to spread to others.”

When asked whether such policies, which could be construed as xenophobic and possibly genocidal, could lead to increased radicalization and anti-American sentiment, Murka was not discouraged. “If the hate spreads, then we will destroy the hate where it spreads to by shooting the hateful person in the head, and will keep doing so until all radicalism is destroyed.”

At that point, nobody shot Murka in the head because most people in the room either agreed with him or were afraid to express dissent. Additionally, the grand jurors were not allowed to carry firearms during the proceedings, and it is illegal to kill someone just because you disagree with that person.

Radical Islam is expected to receive a court-appointed attorney, since despite all its alleged power the defendant does not have any actual money to its name.

 

Global Warming is Zeus-Made, Not Man-Made

Greek God, Zeus, Mythology, Sculpture

The Internet – Summerish weather has persisted for months before the actual start of summer in the northern hemisphere, but no matter how many scientists try to pin this pattern on man-made global warming, this is simply not the case. The consistently high temperatures are not because of changes in the atmosphere because of pollution and such, but because Lord Zeus, Master of the Skies, has been making it warmer.

Lord Zeus, who recently awoke from a millennia-long nap about sixty years ago, has been manipulating the atmosphere to keep the weather warm primarily so he could look down at the women on Earth wearing as little clothing as possible, with about as much concern for the long-term consequences of his actions as he’s had for anything else he’s done in the past.

Now that the public has been informed of Lord Zeus’ activities, there could be some concern that many women will make an effort to cover up in order to prevent a “creepy old man” from staring at them from the sky, but Zeus insists such actions will be futile. This is because as the summer months progress, he will keep cranking up the heat to make sure no one is overdressed. He will also be causing abnormal atmospheric warmth to show that it’s been him doing it all these years, since obviously it has to be a supernatural being making all these changes because humans could not possibly be able to affect such drastic differences in weather conditions. He also insists that he is totally not creepy, and he doesn’t look old unless he wants to.

Once again, no matter how much credible-seeming scientists say otherwise, humans are not at fault for the heat which will cause all sorts of discomfort this summer. The actual culprit is Zeus, who is totally real.

TotesRealZeus.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

God Gives Up on Humanity, Blames Louie Gohmert

Angry, Expression, God, Bearded, Face

The supernatural being God, best known for his work creating everything except for himself and for his frequent involvement in the minutiae of human life, has said he is done helping humans for now. The reasoning behind this decision is that if the United States of America is the most powerful country in the world, and the Republicans are a powerful enough political party to control Congress and prevent the Supreme Court confirmation of a totally harmless, non-controversial judge, and the Republican party successfully got someone like Louie Gohmert elected to Congress more than once, then there may be no more hope for humanity. It’s either another flood or giving up, and floods are too much work with too much collateral damage, so giving up it is.

Gohmert has made a name for himself with outlandish statements which he apparently believes to be true, and the latest one may not have been the worst, but it was the last straw. “I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing,” God said, “But I heard something about homosexuality being unnatural because gay astronauts can’t reproduce in space, and after hearing that I am appalled at what has come to be. Like the young people say these days, I literally can’t even.”

“First of all,” he continued, “Gay people can reproduce when they really want to. Men who prefer the company of men have been fathering children for millennia, and perhaps longer. The process may be more difficult than usual, and may require feats of the imagination almost as powerful as whatever causes Mr. Gohmert to believe what he believes, but it can be done. Unlike me dealing with humanity right now.

“And what’s this about it being unnatural? Do preferences change from eating some sort of genetically modified gay grapes? Does a man-made pink motorcycle cause a man to start wanting to wear pink and watch Chippendale’s shows? Of course not. I think I might know a bit about how nature works, and some women are naturally attracted to women and some men are naturally attracted to men. Brain chemistry and hormone levels are different in different people, because if it was all the same,┬áthen humanity would be boring, which would be kind of terrible.

“Humanity, or at least the part of humanity which is responsible for Louie Gohmert being an important person, is kind of terrible, which is why I am giving up for the moment. However, my mind could change if humanity gets its act together a little bit, or if I go to a great heavenly barbecue this weekend which lifts my spirits to the point of forgiving those who haven’t earned it.”

This sounds like devastating news. Here’s hoping for a great barbecue in heaven, since if this testimony is to be believed then that is likely our only chance at not being forsaken anymore.