New App Shows What Your Phone Looks Like With a Virus

A new web app offers social media users the opportunity to find out what their phone looks like with a virus on it, and millions of people have taken advantage of this offer.

Or perhaps the offer has taken advantage of them.

The web app, known as LoonzLoonz after the website where it can be found, is one of many mind-bogglingly popular applications offering quizzes in which the participant does not answer a single question. LoonzLoonz struggled at first with such quizzes as “Which Care Bear is Going to Murder You?” and “What is Your Soul Mate Going to Use as an Excuse to Reject You This Time?”, but when it launched “What Does Your Phone Look Like with a Virus?”, that’s when the app finally went…ahem…viral.

One user, who wishes to remain anonymous due to shame, told HuzzahNews “I gave LoonzLoonz a chance because this seemed like important information. If I don’t know how to spot the signs of a virus early, it could spread and spread and completely destroy my phone. So I took the quiz, which only asked me if I knew how to press a button to log in with Facebook, and it showed me a screenshot of the home screen of my phone. So I thought, ‘this app is worthless, that’s what my phone looks like now and I don’t have a virus,’ but I was dead wrong. The moment I opened my browser the next day, I got taken somewhere offering me a new phone, and I didn’t trust it so I closed my browser which actually closed my browser, and then my screen seemed to be sneezing. Like cascading droplets from the top to the bottom, non-stop for like an hour. I couldn’t get back in the browser and I couldn’t turn off the phone. Eventually it got really hot and died, and the company says they won’t replace my phone because the warranty doesn’t cover stupidity”

Sad news. Sad news indeed. Maybe one of the ten worst things which happened this week. Worse still, people who want to take action against LoonzLoonz are powerless to do so because not only is there no way to know what their phone would look like with a virus without getting one, but the small print, which no one read, explicitly said that by logging in to Facebook, the user gives LoonzLoonz express permission to infect the user’s phone or other device with a nasty and incurable virus.

Some victims have expressed a desire to change the laws in order to prevent such trickery, but after having to buy a new phone or computer, none of them have the money needed to buy changes in the legal code of the United States of America.

Work-From-Home Millionaires Praised for Generosity

Cash, Dollar, Green, Money

 

The Internet – Despite having made thousands of dollars per week in their free time performing unspecified data entry tasks, wealthy internet users continue to spread information about their success on random comment threads, and the rest of the world is thankful for this.

After reading articles reporting the divorce of a celebrity couple, most commenters tend to make statements along the lines of how disappointed they are that the couple broke up, or how much they dislike one or both of the celebrities involved, or how they are annoyed that what they expected to be a source of important information is devoting precious internet space to such dreck. Such comments tend to accomplish nothing except confirm the opinions of those with similar opinions, and produce outrage in those who were likely furious already and looking for an outlet to express their rage. Such commentary is of little interest to most people reading the comment threads, since most people are looking for advice on how they can make hundreds of dollars per day from home without any special experience or ability.

The people who make hundreds per day through totally legitimate and honest marketing channels, and most likely have over a million dollars through doing so for years, do not need to share the secrets to their wealth. In fact, logic dictates they would be better off not telling anyone the amazing-yet-simple secrets they’ve been using to amass such wealth, thus keeping a larger share of the profits, but in spite of this they look for places where they might be needed, and  then they go to those places and share what others need to know to also become rich.

Ariel Pursine, 32, one of the few moms from her area who has yet to invent an incredible trick to make money or lose weight or fix teeth, recently discovered a potentially lucrative website link while reading the comments on an article about a political controversy she no longer cares about. “I am so grateful to this person whose name I can’t remember,” she told TotesRealNews. “I think it might have been one of those names which looks like it can’t belong to an actual human being, but they probably used a fake name because they’re being modest and don’t want their real-life friends to be jealous about how rich they are. Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to go to the site yet, since I’ve been really busy with mommy stuff and Netflix has been coming out with some great stuff lately, but as soon as we finish watching that Queen Elizabeth show I’m definitely going to check the site out and make a lot of extra money for my family.”

Ms. Pursine has not been available over the past few days for a follow-up comment. Nobody who has taken advantage of internet millionaires’ secrets has been reachable for comment lately, most likely because they are too busy making boatloads of money. There are some people visiting Ripoff Report and elsewhere with less-than-glowing reviews of such money-making methods, but since the internet says that these money-making-methods are legit, the ones complaining must be troublemakers who have never tried to make lots of money working from home. That is totally what is going on here.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.