Demogorgon Ban Passes House Along Partisan Lines

The United States House of Representatives voted 230-190 Friday afternoon to officially ban private demogorgon ownership and use within the USA. This vote, which will not be covered by the traditional media because they are not comfortable talking about demogorgons, was the last congressional vote until after Labor Day and it was decided largely along partisan lines, with most Democrats supporting the ban and most Republicans against it.

This bill outlined the various reasons why demogorgons are good for nothing except causing death and destruction and unbearable misery, and thus should not be allowed within the civilian population as weapons or otherwise.

First of all, they are impractical weapons for home defense. One reason for this is they need to be kept safely locked away when your home is not being invaded, so by the time you retrieve the weapon it may be too late. Additionally, they are highly unreliable weapons which may be just as likely to destroy your home as they are to hit the intended target.

The impracticality of using demogorgons as hunting weapons was also emphasized. Even if they attacked the animal they were supposed to, it would not be a clean kill. There would be large, inconvenient holes in the carcass, making it unfit for human consumption or hunting lodge walls.

And while this is more difficult to prove, it seems that having demogorgons around changes people. Possibly turns their whole personalities upside down. Those who normally would not have the courage to attack others, and possibly wouldn’t even have the desire to hurt anyone without demogorgons around, seem to turn into vicious and violent monsters thanks to the accessibility of these weapons.

The combination of these reasons was enough for the Democrats and a handful of Republicans to vote for a demogorgon ban. But most Republicans were not convinced.

One large faction, led by Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, said that games, mostly video games, were the reason for the attacks and not the demogorgons themselves. One year they attacked in connection with a Dungeons and Dragons game, which is not a video game but still involves a lot of violence and is therefore not safe. Then the next year the killings were connected to an arcade, which is obviously full of video games. Then it was at a mall with video games inside of it. Therefore, the problem is with violent games and not demogorgons so there is no need to ban demogorgons.

Rep Steve Scalise, who survived a demogorgon attack not long ago, also came out strongly against the ban. He said that the only way to stop a bad guy with a demogorgon is a good guy with a demogorgon. This was countered by the fact Dustin Henderson was a good guy with a demogorgon and that wasn’t helpful, which prompted Mr. Scalise to reply that this was only because Dustin Henderson was a child who wasn’t trained in proper demogorgon use. This resulted in several head-desk collisions.

Also strongly against the bill was Louie Gohmert, who had this to say:

 Everyone is so upset about the demogorgon killing Sam Gamgee. He called himself Bob Newby but we know who he really was. He was an illegal immigrant who deserved what he had coming to him. How do you even cross the border from Middle-Earth to regular Earth? Not legally, I can tell you that. And not only was he illegal, but he was a cheater who abandoned Rosie Cotton and didn’t even tell Joyce that he was married. And I’ll tell you another thing: that Eleven girl acts like she’s possessed by the devil. She didn’t get those powers from Jesus. He walked on water, he didn’t push the whole sea into Egypt. So if she’s against the demogorgons then I’m on whatever side she ain’t.

 

He kept going for a few minutes after that, until Speaker Pelosi finally cut him off and held the vote.

The follow-up vote is scheduled to take place in the Senate when Congress reconvenes, but it is not expected to pass, as over half the Senate is believed to be controlled by the Mind Flayer.

 

 

White House Preparing For Grand Moff Tarkin Day

The Internet – Thursday will be May Fourth, often known as Star Wars Day because of how the day’s name sounds like the beginning of the famous line “May the force be with you,” but this Thursday will not commemorate traditional Star Wars heroes such as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo and Yoda, or even newer ones such as Rey and Finn, as they do not fit the current administration’s definition of heroism. Instead, the day will honor the unyielding resolve of Grand Moff Tarkin.

The Trump Administration, which spoken for by Donald Trump because he is still allowed to speak, sees Tarkin as the tragic hero of the first film, a man who is willing to make the hard choices necessary to make the Empire great again through acts of terrorism which don’t count as terrorism because it’s the Empire doing it. He is seen as tough, and maybe not fair, but fairness is for weak people and weak people are the reason why America doesn’t win anymore, which is why neither the Empire nor America have any obligation to treat their people fairly. He is also willing to stick to his plan no matter how many people advise him against it, no matter how much it looks like sticking to this plan will destroy him and all those around him, and this tenacity is why he is seen as the most heroic of the pro-Empire Star Wars heroes.

If Steve Bannon still had the sort of influence he used to have, then Grand Moff Tarkin Day would likely include a lot of blowing things up, possibly going into Afghanistan and nuking a big chunk of it like it was Alderaan, but fortunately Steve Bannon is not in charge so nuclear weapons are not part of the official plans. Instead, the factories which had been making Ivanka’s clothing but have had less demand for clothing-making lately will be re-purposed as manufacturers of Peter Cushing masks. And they are expected to receive hefty government contracts (which makes sense since Grand Moff Tarkin Day is now a real national holiday) to make millions of these masks to be worn by all American citizens, so they can gaze upon the visage of the martyr Tarkin and be mindful of what a hero truly is.

Mr. Trump also reminded the American public that if they think Grand Moff Tarkin Day is a silly holiday, they should start buying Ivanka’s clothing again so the factories could make Trump-family clothing instead of masks depicting Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin.

At the end of the speech, Mr. Trump was forced to concede that time constraints regarding manufacturing and shipping would push Grand Moff Tarkin Day back at least a month, but that’s fine because the date or time that something happens or happened doesn’t matter anymore.

“Star Trek Seven: The Fountain of Yout” Has Opening Pages Leaked

A top-secret Star Trek project by someone who will not be named in order not to potentially embarrass the writer, a project which is so preliminary that even the writer’s friends and family didn’t know this person was working on it, has been intercepted by an anonymous hacking group not called Anonymous, and now the first few pages of the script are available. Here. In a TotesRealNews exclusive.

This new film follows a semi-alternative timeline in which the events of the first six movies happened, but the events in the other movies did not. Which is how the Fountain of Youth theme is allowed to be explored again, although this time with older characters than in Star Trek: Insurrection. It is set to star William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, and Walter Koenig reprising their roles from the original series, reunited after decades apart for one final mission. It is also set to star Joe Pesci returning after a long semi-retirement in order to play a fictional version of himself who was transported to a magical planet with a hard-to-reach Fountain of Youth, which enabled him to live there for hundreds of years.

And now, without further ado, here are the exclusive leaked pages of this totally real and super-serious Star Trek project:

 

Ext. Simbala – Simbala is a lush tropical planet with ample vegetation, yet enough room between the trees to have a proper scene without having some cast members blocked from view by the plants. On this planet, whose name suggests both a mythical land from Eastern traditions and a modern cartoon lion whose species should put the audience in mind of a certain famous explorer, the remaining Enterprise crew can be seen in one shot. This crew consists of KIRK, SULU, UHURA, and CHEKOV. In addition to these four remaining crew members, the audience can also see a charging lion.

KIRK

Captain Sulu, take out your hand torpedo and shoot that thing.

SULU

Yes Admiral. I will grab the torpedo with my hand and shoot something warm from it. I will shoot it hard. Oh Myyyyyy.

KIRK

Stop. With the innuendos. And just. Do it. Already!

SULU

Don’t tell me to stop with innuendos and then tell me to just do it. That joke is wayyyy too easy.

KIRK

Dammit, Sulu! The lion. Is almost. Here!

As the lion leaps to attack its elderly prey, UHURA takes out her hand torpedo and shoots the lion, which falls back without hitting anyone.

KIRK

Thank you, Commander.  I would kiss you, but you are. Old.

UHURA

You’re not so young yourself, James.

CHEKOV

The march of time stops for no one. Except for those lost.

KIRK

Which reminds me. Where is everyone else? We should not. Be out in space. At. Our age. Without a doctor.

CHEKOV

Bones? He’s wed, Jim.

KIRK

Sorry to hear that.

CHEKOV

No reason to be sorry. He is wed to his beautiful wife and they have children and grandchildren. (pause) Now I see  the reason for confusion. You think I still have strong Russian accent after fifty years. But I no longer have strong accent. Only quirky speech patterns.

KIRK

Good for you. Now what about Scotty?

CHEKOV

You hadn’t heard?  He beamed up to great transporter room in the sky.

KIRK

And Christine?

CHEKOV

Alas, she is now in the Celestial Chapel.

KIRK

And Spock? What about Spock?

CHEKOV

If he was alive, he’d be here right now. Simple logic, Admiral.

KIRK

There. Must. Be. Some. Way. To pause time. So we don’t. Lose anyone else. If I stall. Long enough. Perhaps we will find. It.

As music plays suggesting perhaps they will find it after all, JOE PESCI walks through the trees and into the clearing. He looks the same as he does in real life in 2017.

JOE PESCI

Hey! What’s up with you geezers? You lost or somethin’?

SULU

Oh Myyyyyyy!

JOE PESCI

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the compliment, but I ain’t interested in you that way.

SULU

I beg your pardon? I was merely expressing amazement that you bear such a striking resemblance to the famous Earth actor Joe Pesci. But you look older than he does in the movies.

JOE PESCI

Whaddya mean, older? Like 20 years older, or more than three hundred years older?

SULU

The first one, of course.

JOE PESCI

Good. I look a bit older because I took some time off from movies before coming here. But I’m really a lot older. Everyone here’s much older than they look. We got ninety-year-olds who look like youts. Simbala’s full of youts you―

KIRK

Please. Do not call my officer anything derogatory. Or you will regret it.

JOE PESCI

You didn’t have to cut me off. I was just clarifying that the place is kinda magical, so it seems to be full of youts.

UHURA

Despite my extensive linguistic studies, I can’t say I know that word. It sounds like someone from the Earth place called Utah, but that doesn’t make sense in the context.

JOE PESCI

Not Utes. Youts. Non-geriatrics. People who are the opposite of youse.

UHURA

How did they get that way?

JOE PESCI

Through the quenching waters of the Fountain of Yout, of course. We’ve got one of them here. It’s great. One drink will stop aging for years.

KIRK

Take us there. Now.

JOE PESCI

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Not just anyone can drink from the Fountain of Yout.

KIRK

I am James Tiberius Kirk. I am a space exploration legend.

JOE PESCI

Do you think that matters here? None of that matters. All that’s important is you have to pass a series of tests to earn your drinking rights. And since you are obviously a group, as long as someone in your group passes then you all pass.

CHEKOV

That doesn’t sound very difficult at all.

JOE PESCI

You’d think that, wouldn’t you? The tests you got are not the same as the ones I got, and even I did not always pass. If I did, I’d’ve not only stopped aging, but reversed it.

KIRK

Get. On. With. It. Already! What. Is. The first test?

JOE PESCI

For youse guys? The Bechdel Test.

SULU

Oh, Nooooooooooo!

Clinton Family Allegedly Operating Space Brothel

The Internet – Fake news has been getting extra attention in recent days due to someone firing an assault rifle in a pizza place and claiming he went there because of a fake news article, but words on the internet confirm that this incident was due to a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie. The illegal operation which Edgar Welch aimed to break up is actually located on the Ping-Pong Comet, not the Comet Ping-Pong restaurant.

Comet 2016 BA14, usually called PanSTARRS but also known as the Ping-Pong Comet because its relatively small size makes it resemble a ping-pong ball when viewed from the Earth, came within about two million miles of this planet earlier in the year. Two million miles is about ten times as far away as the moon is, so for most people that would be a prohibitive distance, but according to words on the internet it is not too far for the Clintons. Their level of power and influence is so great that when the interstellar flying object came within three million miles, they were able to hop over there and move their nefarious “House of Love” to the comet so they could not be prosecuted for this particular criminal enterprise.

Some people might wonder why the Clintons would employ sex workers in space when they have enough money already and should have been too busy with their legitimate public activities to engage in such nefarious criminality, but such people live in a left-wing bubble where reality is shaped by evidence-based facts. For other people, whose perception of reality is more fluid and tends to be shaped by what they want to believe, if something is terrible then the Clintons will be doing it because that’s what horrible people do, and in this version of reality the Clintons took a day trip in March to set up an interstellar brothel where they can do whatever they want, including bring children to this brothel. The children are there in order to not be separated from family members who work at the Clinton Space Brothel, but those who are looking to be outraged can and will draw different conclusions about why there are children present.

Also in this version of reality, the Clintons are operating a space shuttle for clients to get to and from the Ping-Pong Comet, and this is being paid for with hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Because the Clintons control NASA, or something.

This angered a well-known resident of alt-reality:

No matter which version of reality you live in, if you want to put a stop to this alleged operation, you will not be able to use the Clinton Shuttle. If you live in Fact-Based Reality, you cannot do so because such a shuttle does not exist, and if you live in the other reality the Clintons have been spying on you and know what your plan is and therefore would never allow you to ride on their spaceship. But if you’re smart enough, and determined enough, and work hard enough to make enough money to afford the materials required to build a spaceship, then you might be able to make your own spacecraft and fly it to the comet and put a stop to all the horrible things which are going on in the space brothel. But to do so you will need to spend years dedicated to the cause, thinking of nothing else. Certainly no time for voting or any other political activities.

President Obama appears to be at least a bit skeptical about this, as evidenced by this totally real tweet:

But President Obama lives in Left-Wing, Fact-Based Reality, so those who live elsewhere can draw their own conclusions.

Aliens Invade Earth in Search of Cheese

Swiss Cheese, Swiss, Cheese, Food

The Internet – The suspicious-looking rocks which some have seen flying across the sky during the past year were not the product of overactive imaginations but actual spaceships, and now these spaceships are on Earth and their inhabitants walk among humans, craving dairy products.

These alien beings evolved on a far-away planet while the streets on Earth were not streets at all but unpaved expanses of land roamed by velociraptors. This planet is similar in size to Earth, with a similar atmosphere, and slightly closer to a slightly cooler sun, so the dominant species on this planet is very similar genetically to humanity. They also went through a long period of history marred by frequent military conflict, but eventually got beyond that point and opted to cooperate with each other and strive toward a better life for all on their planet, a planet which does not include cows or goats or even sheep.

As these extraterrestrial people consumed their plant-based diets and further developed technology, they constructed a microscope which enabled them see for light years as if they were inches. And as they explored the universe from the comfort of their laboratories, they found Earth, and they found out how much the people of Earth enjoy cheese.

Then they quickly built spaceships which let a contingent of lucky young astronauts travel across the galaxy in a span of about twenty years, barely keeping themselves alive by eating nothing but space food. Then they arrived, having mastered English and a rudimentary understanding of American economy along the way, got off-the books jobs, bought some cheese, and enjoyed it more than they expected they would.

Several have already been fired from jobs at cheese shops for abusing the free cheese policy, but this doesn’t appear to have deterred them. The planning committee purposely sent light-skinned astronauts, who have been able to secure high-paying jobs and buy lots and lots of cheese. There may currently be a massive surplus of cheese in America, but more of these cheese-loving aliens are on the way and if they keep eating cheese at this rate there might not be much actual cheese left within fifty years.

Processed supermarket singles are perfectly safe, though. There will always be plenty of those.

Vogon Prisoner Found Alive After Four Years

Tigerschnecke, Snail, Mollusk, Slug

The Closest Approximation to CJ Bonner’s Captors Which Can Be Found on a Free Image Site

 

The Internet – Charlie James Bonner thought he would never live to see land again, let alone his home in Long Island.

Bonner was just 19 when he was abducted by a Vogon Constructor Fleet, the totally real menace to the galaxy first chronicled in Douglas Adams’ science-fact comedy-horror story The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Bonner spent four years confined within the spaceship, his will to live sustained only by the occasional friendship of the Dentrassi cooks and the hope that he might one day be able to to share the song he wrote about his experiences with an actual human being.

Four years later, the ship which held Bonner captive passed near Earth again, and this time a group of Dentrassi seized the opportunity to take a shuttle away from the Vogons and make a new life for themselves on Earth, which couldn’t possibly be worse than what they had to deal with on the ship everyday. They took Bonner with them, which is how he is finally home.

Bonner wrote his song as a parody/adaptation of Lupe Fiasco’s The Show Goes On, which he listened to enough in college to have it memorized by the time he found himself on the ship, where listening to music was strictly forbidden. Although, no matter how they tried, the Vogons could not destroy the music in CJ Bonner’s head.

Now that CJ Bonner has escaped, TotesRealNews is publishing the song in its entirety so that his wishes of spreading the lyrics reflecting his experience can be fulfilled. Because TotesRealNews is going to have a TotesRealReadership any day now. And, without further ado, here is Charlie Bonner’s harrowing lyrical account of his time spent with Vogons:

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

Don’t mind mad Martians, but no Vogons
Those words, in that order, it’s oh so wrong
I’d prefer three days of Bieber
Or my eyes scratched by a lemur
Or all winter in Siberia
Please no Vogons

Well they always have a reason
Like that’s how things are done
They are not big fans of fun
They need you to behave
They’re paper-pushing slugs
Yeah, but speech comes from their tongues
Just to make space for their fleet
They’d destroy the moon and sun
They’re annoying everyone
Makes them boil up with pride
They’re gross in and outside
That’s why if you see one run
Unpleasant’s an understatement
I don’t know how they mate with
Each other, and as for their poems
Nobody’s got the patience
The Pillsbury Doughboy
Would say, “hee hee I hate this”
You can hit me with shoes – cleats
Or make my family boo me
Whatever you do, please
Don’t let them read to me
It stinks far worse than dookie
Just one stanza would ruin me

The Borg are better, please no Vogons
Their writing’s so boring yet they drone on
I would rather have cash plunder
And then ruin it all with chunder
Than hear them say even one word
I loathe Vogons

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

One poet’s worse but she’s not close to here
Two lines of verse I might tear off my ear
Screams only hurt since they’d pump up the volume
So my throat hurts half as much as my ears
Puns nonexistent in their mind attack
Why do they write? That is really quite clear
To make you wish you’re buried in a small tomb
And not living life right now ‘cause the dead can’t hear
Oh, no, here’s Vogon Jeltz, talking about open welts
Lucky me, now I know, he’s got two and both smell
I’d rather be anywhere, even the Bates Motel
Than by Vogons and their poems, I gotta go like Modell’s
Like Chuck says it’s turr’ble, wash my ears with Purel
Still won’t fix the brain pain, in my soul there’s pure ache
All these failed metaphors make me wish they were chordates
They have no spine and that’s not fine, oh lord why did you forsake?

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

Don’t mind mad Martians, but no Vogons
Those words, in that order, it’s oh so wrong
I’d prefer three days of Bieber
Or my eyes scratched by a lemur
Or all winter in Siberia
Please no Vogons

Someone shatter both my eardrums, I cannot stand to hear much
More blathering from slugs, and they won’t take silence serum
It’s not like I’ve got that, if I did they’d refuse it
They have got the type of mind from which there can’t be music
Is this making me stupid? Cause I do not get
Why no other alien races destroyed the Vogons yet
I wish this ship had Jedi, sure could use Obi Won
To hit them with his light stick so no more from Vogons

Bring on the Klingons but no Vogons
If they don’t disturb you, your soul is gone
And Eccentrica Gallumbits
Would give up at least one tit
Just to never hear their poets
Please no Vogons

The Borg are better, please no Vogons
Their writing’s so boring yet they drone on
I would rather have cash plunder
And then ruin it all with chunder
Than hear them say even one word
I loathe Vogons