Flat Earth Missionaries Almost Sail Off Edge

The Internet – A group of missionaries representing the Flat Earth Society nearly met its doom yesterday when heavy winds almost pushed their boat off the furthermost reaches of the West Pacific, but the Earth miraculously extended by at least a hundred miles in order to save this ship of truth-tellers.

The mission, which didn’t include famous flat-earthers Shaquille O’Neal and Kyrie Irving in case the ship went too far and the planetary borders didn’t move to save the missionaries, left the San Francisco Bay on May 7th for the Hawaiian island of Kauai. ┬áThe purpose of the mission was to warn the natives about the dangers of sailing west, in case they thought that those who sailed westward and hadn’t returned merely moved to another island instead of falling into outer space.

The missionaries could have chartered a plane thanks to celebrity funding, but they couldn’t make that choice due to fear. Because visibility can be limited in the cloudy skies, a plane moving 500 miles per hour could easily have gone from the West Pacific troposphere to the killer vacuum of outer space before the pilots had a chance to react. Therefore, they chose to sail a boat which traveled about 300 miles per day, which seemed like a safe option until the winds came.

When the winds came, the missionary ship had already passed Maui, Oahu, and Hawaii, and the shores of Kauai were in sight. Then heavy winds pushed the ship past its destination, past the private island of Niihau, and at least fifty miles past what should have been the edge of the world. But thanks to what must have been fast and drastic divine intervention, and definitely not due to the Earth not being flat, the ship survived the winds, paving the way for its passengers to complete their mission.

This mission is expected to be successful, as the residents of Kauai are certain to believe the Earth was expanded in order to allow the missionaries to live and preach, and the flat-earthers are not going to be mocked at all. Because everybody knows that everything which seems like overwhelming evidence of a round Earth is fake news.

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Research Allergy Discovered, Sufferers Refuse Treatment

Owl, Bird, Book, Wise, Nature, Character

People with research allergies might think this owl discovered research allergies

 

The Internet – According to recent discoveries in the medical science field, the cause behind various gaffes in the Republican National Convention was not pure laziness or incompetence. It turns out many of those involved with the convention, including invited guests, speech writers, and music planners, are afflicted by a highly specific allergy in which any attempt by the brain to conduct research or fact-checking triggers an immune response which attacks the relevant cerebral area, thus shutting down the thought process and preventing successful research. There could be hope for these sufferers, however, due to the extremely recent development of allergy shots addressing this specific problem, but people with research allergies would have to consent to the shots.

So far, nobody who is allergic to research has consented to the shots.

The most common reason cited for this refusal by these people who refuse to cite anything is how well they are currently paid to not do any research. Their various benefactors, which are primarily politically conservative lobby groups, donate generously to their political careers in exchange for blind support of the lobby’s cause. If the research allergy was cured, there could be a possibility of increased understanding leading to switching positions from the approved one to a less profitable one, and the people questioned didn’t want to know how terrible that could be.

Others expressed a reluctance to be able to research because of an unwillingness to be anything like Hillary Clinton. Clinton, they said, seemed like the sort of person who would do a lot of research before she decided anything, although they couldn’t be sure because their allergies would not allow them to have fact-based certainty regarding anything. But still, they had strong faith that Hillary Clinton does a lot of research, and an even stronger belief they didn’t want to be anything like her, so they chose to take a pass on treatment.

Others did not want the shots because they oppose anything resembling vaccinations. Some were afraid the shots would give them autism, others feared autism being passed on to their future children, and still others were afraid that using a needle to cure a research allergy would give autism to their already-born children. Unsurprisingly, none were interested in hearing why their fears were unfounded.

As research allergies are not physically contagious, those who don’t want shots, which includes all of those with the allergies, do not have to get shots. However, elected officials with research allergies could be in danger of losing re-election bids due to their stubborn ignorance, but only if the majority of the electorate does not share these allergies.

 

Global Warming is Zeus-Made, Not Man-Made

Greek God, Zeus, Mythology, Sculpture

The Internet – Summerish weather has persisted for months before the actual start of summer in the northern hemisphere, but no matter how many scientists try to pin this pattern on man-made global warming, this is simply not the case. The consistently high temperatures are not because of changes in the atmosphere because of pollution and such, but because Lord Zeus, Master of the Skies, has been making it warmer.

Lord Zeus, who recently awoke from a millennia-long nap about sixty years ago, has been manipulating the atmosphere to keep the weather warm primarily so he could look down at the women on Earth wearing as little clothing as possible, with about as much concern for the long-term consequences of his actions as he’s had for anything else he’s done in the past.

Now that the public has been informed of Lord Zeus’ activities, there could be some concern that many women will make an effort to cover up in order to prevent a “creepy old man” from staring at them from the sky, but Zeus insists such actions will be futile. This is because as the summer months progress, he will keep cranking up the heat to make sure no one is overdressed. He will also be causing abnormal atmospheric warmth to show that it’s been him doing it all these years, since obviously it has to be a supernatural being making all these changes because humans could not possibly be able to affect such drastic differences in weather conditions. He also insists that he is totally not creepy, and he doesn’t look old unless he wants to.

Once again, no matter how much credible-seeming scientists say otherwise, humans are not at fault for the heat which will cause all sorts of discomfort this summer. The actual culprit is Zeus, who is totally real.

TotesRealZeus.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Totally Scientific Study: Vaccines Are the Worst

Doctor, Pain, Vaccination, Shot, Arm

 

According to a totally scientifically valid study polling the members of a forum whose name has not been revealed for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the absolute worst thing in the world. The favorability rating for vaccines, according to this study, is zero percent, or infinitely lower than the favorability rating among Hispanics for Donald Trump the presidential candidate.

According to one of the totally random individuals cited in this poll, vaccines are awful because of vaccine-related deaths. Before vaccines, absolutely no one died as a result of having dead or weak pathogens injected into their bodies, but since then allergic reactions to vaccine contents have killed people, possibly as many as a hundred people per year.

As this study was of the scientific variety, the pollster did not follow up with statistics about the millions of deaths which are likely avoided each year due to vaccinations, because science is about supporting desired results, not finding the truth.

According to another polled individual, also anonymous for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the sole cause of autism. Before Edward Jenner invented the smallpox vaccine hundreds of years ago, autism was so nonexistent that there wasn’t even a name for it, and now it affects millions of people, which can’t be for any other reason except vaccines definitely cause autism.

A third person blames vaccines for the bullying he endured as a child. Specifically, if the neighborhood bully wasn’t vaccinated and therefore got polio and died, or at least lost his ability to walk, then the bully would not have been able to bully his victim.

When asked by a follow-up study whether they would take a mercury-free vaccine for gullibility-induced hysteria, most of the totally scientific study’s participants responded with a two-word phrase which cannot be printed in this publication.

 

Legendary Clickfish Captured

Fish, Mouth, Open, Large, Big

 

The Internet – The clickfish, a mythical yet totally real creature, was captured for the first time in recent memory Saturday morning.

While the Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest and the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland may be more well-known, the clickfish of the waters near Silicon Valley is the only such creature to have actually been caught by humans.

The clickfish is relatively large, with its weight most commonly described as “you won’t believe how big it is”, and according to legend its eggs are the best eggs of all fish eggs which exist in the world. Caviar made with clickfish eggs would be the most expensive caviar in the world, not only because of its rarity but also because it would actually taste good. Unfortunately, the elusiveness of the clickfish meant there had been no such caviar for decades, and it appeared there never would be, but this all changed on Saturday morning when a team of fishermen who dedicated the past decade to attracting the thing succeeded in luring the fish into their net.

Besides its scarcity and size, the clickfish is also unique because of its telepathic mating call, in which the male sends messages to the female, making sensational claims about itself. Upon intercepting some of those messages within the San Francisco Bay and plugging them into Google Translate, marine biologists deduced that sending out translated sensationalist headlines from the internet would seduce female clickfish, drawing one near the fishing boat and then into the giant net.

The plan worked, leading to excitement among some of the top chefs in the country due to the possibility of clickfish caviar.

Unfortunately, before any eggs could be harvested, the clickfish escaped back into the bay.

What happened next will shock you. So this totally journalistically sound article won’t tell you what happened, because shocking people isn’t nice.