Copypasta Couple Caught Eating Actual Pasta

Robert and Anna Dobalina, the popular Instagram couple known for their exotic travel photos and their diet consisting of only kale smoothies and copypasta, lost most of their 12 million followers overnight after being spotted at an Olive Garden guzzling bowls of spaghetti with meat sauce. They have since deleted their account.

The Dobalinas made their living primarily by endorsing food they claimed not to eat. A post from several weeks ago had them posing in front of the Olive Garden and writing:

We don’t eat here because we are satisfied with our smoothies and copypasta, but back before we reached nutritional nirvana we loved their breadsticks and pasta bowls. #foodporn #almosthungry #wewerefamily  #vegan# undergroundkaleroad #weescapedfoodslaverysoyoudonothaveto #longhashtagshaha #sendusyourmemes #weneedcopypasta.

Many Instagram users, who believed the Dobalinas were honest and authentic people, were crushed to find out they ate regular pasta and not just copypasta. One user, who asked to remain anonymous due to embarrassment, said she knew writing a bunch of words saying cancer is bad doesn’t cure cancer or tell anyone anything they don’t know. She knows that tomorrow isn’t eternally the day which Facebook switches to the new rule where they can use your photos unless you say they can’t. And yet she would keep posting those sorts of things, making herself seem like a gullible fool, in order to help support her favorite young influencers.

And now the Dobalinas have influenced her, and many others, to lose a little more faith in humanity.

Hashtag sad.

 

New App Shows What Your Phone Looks Like With a Virus

A new web app offers social media users the opportunity to find out what their phone looks like with a virus on it, and millions of people have taken advantage of this offer.

Or perhaps the offer has taken advantage of them.

The web app, known as LoonzLoonz after the website where it can be found, is one of many mind-bogglingly popular applications offering quizzes in which the participant does not answer a single question. LoonzLoonz struggled at first with such quizzes as “Which Care Bear is Going to Murder You?” and “What is Your Soul Mate Going to Use as an Excuse to Reject You This Time?”, but when it launched “What Does Your Phone Look Like with a Virus?”, that’s when the app finally went…ahem…viral.

One user, who wishes to remain anonymous due to shame, told HuzzahNews “I gave LoonzLoonz a chance because this seemed like important information. If I don’t know how to spot the signs of a virus early, it could spread and spread and completely destroy my phone. So I took the quiz, which only asked me if I knew how to press a button to log in with Facebook, and it showed me a screenshot of the home screen of my phone. So I thought, ‘this app is worthless, that’s what my phone looks like now and I don’t have a virus,’ but I was dead wrong. The moment I opened my browser the next day, I got taken somewhere offering me a new phone, and I didn’t trust it so I closed my browser which actually closed my browser, and then my screen seemed to be sneezing. Like cascading droplets from the top to the bottom, non-stop for like an hour. I couldn’t get back in the browser and I couldn’t turn off the phone. Eventually it got really hot and died, and the company says they won’t replace my phone because the warranty doesn’t cover stupidity”

Sad news. Sad news indeed. Maybe one of the ten worst things which happened this week. Worse still, people who want to take action against LoonzLoonz are powerless to do so because not only is there no way to know what their phone would look like with a virus without getting one, but the small print, which no one read, explicitly said that by logging in to Facebook, the user gives LoonzLoonz express permission to infect the user’s phone or other device with a nasty and incurable virus.

Some victims have expressed a desire to change the laws in order to prevent such trickery, but after having to buy a new phone or computer, none of them have the money needed to buy changes in the legal code of the United States of America.

Some Positive Press Covfefe About Donald Trump

The President Tweeted this morning about the overwhelmingly negative nature of the press covfefe about him, as he is wont to do, but not all members of the press are always negative in their covfefe about him. Granted, this publication’s covfefe of Donald Trump may have been critical at times, but because critical covfefe has clearly gotten to his head, the editorial board at TotesRealNews has decided to publish an article containing positive covfefe about the president.

Because there are definitely positive things to say about him.

Here’s one. His diplomatic abilities were strong enough during his international trip that he didn’t directly start a World War. Perhaps he did sign an agreement to sell Saudi Arabia enough weapons for a major military offensive, and he told a group of Israelis that their country was not part of the Middle East, and he shoved the prime minister of a country which is arguably the same country immediately responsible for the start of World War I, and he made a terrible impression on Angela Merkel, but he still kept his temper in line somewhat. He kept enough control not to get European countries to declare open conflict with the United States, and for that he could be commended.

Additionally, he is respected enough by his wife that he can touch her hand in public without being publicly slapped in the face. If most people tried to hold the hand of Melania Trump, she who is famous for the $51,000 dress providing covfefe for her body, it would likely have resulted in a slap in the face or a harassment lawsuit.  But this did not happen to Donald Trump, because his marriage is too strong for such a negative reaction to attempted hand-holding. Negative press covfefe from other members of the media might focus on unflattering aspects of the situation such as public rejection, but not here. We are providing positive press covfefe and focusing on the fact he did not get slapped in the face.

Two paragraphs of positive press covfefe about Donald Trump is enough, right? We here at TotesRealNews hope so, because positive covfefe about Donald Trump is not easy.

One of These Ten News Stories is Not Real

  1. Donald Trump ran through the White House in a nightgown last evening, even going up and down stairs, while wearing a hat which said “Make Willie Winkie Wee Again.” While doing this, he shouted frequently, telling people they should be asleep. It was nine p.m. at the time.
  2. Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway settled whatever differences they may have had and merged into one being, with the Conway part of this entity doing the shouting and the Bannon part doing the thinking. Donald Trump did not listen to this union of the spurned, as he was busy running in his nightgown, but this monster is likely to be a threat down the road to what little remains of world peace.
  3. George R.R. Martin recently revealed that the entire Song of Ice and Fire was a fever dream in the mind of one of the watchmen from the beginning of the story, so the attack thought to come from the undead actually came from a cold-resistant bacterium.
  4. Organic food is no longer allowed to be labeled as such, in case people get the idea their apples are made of hearts and kidneys.
  5. A Constitutional Amendment was passed re-defining freedom of speech as the right to say whatever you want to say without any retaliation or suppression of offensive expression by government, businesses, or fellow civilians.
  6. The friendzone has been abolished by law. It is has been determined by Congress that if a woman rejects a man’s romantic advances, she is no longer allowed to respect him or care about him or spend any more time with him than is absolutely necessary.
  7. Steven Mnuchin  was recently fired as Treasury Secretary because anyone with any sense knows that trickle-down economics does not cause long-term economic growth, and anyone arguing that it does has no business running the finances of the United States of America.
  8. Millions of Americans, both men and women, have signed a pact never to remove any hair from their bodies until neither Donald Trump nor Mike Pence is the President of the United States of America.
  9. Mark Zuckerberg is offering a hundred million dollars to the hundred millionth person to post a list of ten bands, nine of which this person has seen in concert.
  10. Donald Trump made a vaguely threatening tweet at Canada on April 25th due to Canada’s alleged negative impact on Wisconsin’s dairy farmers. This is obviously fake news because the South Park movie clearly showed how dangerous it is to blame Canada for anything.

Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet – As this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Obama Hacked Trump’s Twitter To Make President Seem Paranoid

The Internet – Donald Trump’s Twitter account posted a series of tweets this morning accusing Barack Obama of illegally wiretapping Trump Tower, which many are saying makes Mr. Trump look even crazier than usual. However, according to words on the internet, the president didn’t write or even dictate those tweets. What really happened is Mr. Obama hacked into the @realDonaldTrump Twitter account to make Donald Trump look bad.

According to these same anonymous but totally real sources, this isn’t the first time Obama hacked Trump’s Twitter. Every time a particularly ludicrous tweet has been released this year, it wasn’t Trump behind the words. It was Obama. The current president has been reluctant to admit that his Twitter had been compromised, since being vulnerable to such interference might make Donald Trump seem weak, but the hacks happened. Mr. Trump has even adopted some of the lunatic talking points in his public statements to keep people from suspecting he’d been Twitter-hacked, but he has been. By Barack Obama.

Some may find it preposterous that Obama would spend his post-presidency hacking the current president’s Twitter account, citing reports that Mr. Obama  spent the end of January on vacation, but Barack Obama didn’t take a vacation. As all people visiting certain corners of the internet are well aware, Obama spent almost his entire presidency on vacation and is therefore all vacationed out. Any more vacations and he would literally explode from happiness, so he sent Barack Clonebama instead. And as Barack Obama’s totally real clone soaked up the sun with Richard Branson, the former president sat in his lair with a bunch of evil computer programmers and plotted to make Donald Trump look as ridiculous as possible.

Because Donald Trump doesn’t do enough to embarrass himself on his own.

 

Trump, Babadook, Obama, and Avril Lavigne Involved in Heated Twitter Exchange.

The Internet – Avril Lavigne’s tweet to Mark Zuckerberg yesterday, in which she accused the social media billionaire of bullying after he insulted Nickelback’s music, has been well-publicized, but less attention has been given to the tweets which followed. This is because at least some of the tweets have since been deleted, but TotesRealNews captured them before they disappeared and we are therefore able to share the increasingly bizarre exchange.

After Mark Zuckerberg, who doesn’t really use Twitter, failed to respond to the first tweet, Ms. Lavigne sent this out:

Still no response from Mark Zuckerberg, but there was this tweet from the Babadook:

 

Which prompted this response:

But as many have learned before, you can’t get rid of the Babadook that easily.

 

 

Then Ms. Lavigne escalated the situation:

The Babadook again:

 

Then another person joined the conversation:

This did not put an end to tweets at the Babadook, but it did get Donald Trump involved.

She replied quickly:

This could have been the end of it. And it was the end of Ms. Lavigne’s involvement. But Mr. Trump couldn’t stop himself.

The Babadook had this to say in response:

And this, after what was most likely a half-hour break spent scaring children:

 

And this:

As he often does, Mr. Trump disagreed:

After this tweet, Trump’s handlers decided the incoming head of state was being ridiculous even by Trump standards, and deleted all contributions by the president-elect to this exchange. Some team members have been overheard saying they would like to keep him off of Twitter for at least another month, but that seems about as likely as getting rid of the Babadook.

 

 

*Editor’s Note: The Babadook’s tweets have disappeared, but an effort will be made to reach out to the Babadook and see if it remembers what it wrote.

 

 

Trump Starts Twitter War With The Babadook

The Internet – Donald Trump has continued to insult people on Twitter even after winning the presidential election, and he hasn’t seemed to be any worse off for it, but he may have gone too far last night when he tweeted about the Babadook.

It started off relatively harmlessly, by Trump standards:

 

Then, bringing back memories of the initial announcement of his candidacy, Trump escalated the situation:

That seemed like it would be the end of it, but then the President-Elect received a disturbing tweet a few hours later.

And then Mr. Trump took time out of his busy schedule to respond:

If Mr. Trump thought the Secret Service reference was going to scare the Babadook into silence, he thought incorrectly, as this tweet followed soon afterwards:

And then this:

 

 

This prompted a string of tweets from the future President of the United States insisting he is not a child and promising to take the last threat a lot more seriously than the authorities took the “2nd Amendment people” comment Trump made on the campaign trail. Mike Pence also got involved, tweeting vague support for Donald Trump while simultaneously trying to distance himself from the hard line anti-Babadook stance. These attempts were less than successful considering what the Babadook had to say to Mr. Pence:

And then President Obama joined the Twitter party:

 

As of press time, President Obama had not weighed in on the subject again, but Donald Trump continued to retweet posts from his followers threatening and insulting the Babadook. The Babadook has not responded, probably because this is the time of day when monsters of the night sleep, but this feud seems likely to continue indefinitely until either someone takes Donald Trump’s phone away or the Babadook materializes in Donald Trump’s presence through the pages of a book. Fortunately for those who don’t want to see President Pence in the Oval Office, the former is much more likely than the latter.

Because Donald Trump does not read books.

 

 

*Editor’s note: The Babadook’s Tweets have disappeared, but SuchRealNews will reach out to the monster in an attempt to reproduce them.

 

 

 

Obama Bans Your Favorite Thing

 

Rose, Pink, Pretty, Garden, Beautiful

If you enjoyed raindrops on roses as much as Maria from The Sound of Music did, Obama would have used his weather machine to make sure it never rained on a rose again.

The Internet – Vowing not to suffer the same sort of lame duck ineffectiveness experienced by others in his position, President Barack Obama signed an executive order this morning banning your favorite thing in the world.

If you didn’t think President Obama was on an eight year crusade to make life as difficult for you as possible, then you may change your thinking when you find out through this totally reliable piece of legitimate journalism that the thing you value most in the world has now been banned by a tyrannical piece of policymaking. And if you felt all along that the president was out to get you, and were subjected to ridicule due to what others perceived as paranoia, you can have the last laugh at your doubters now. Except you might not laugh at all, since you are likely to be crying, since your favorite thing in the world has been taken away.

Many people might doubt President Obama has the authority to take away your favorite thing in the culmination of a personal vendetta held by the Commander-In-Chief just because of the thing he shouldn’t know you did, but such people are sheeple who do not know the truth. And the truth is that while Obama is incapable of doing anything when it comes to negotiating with unfriendly world leaders or fighting terrorism, his powers are limitless when it comes to making life difficult or inconvenient for you. And now Obama has caused you much inconvenience by banning your favorite thing in the world.

Others might believe that it is rather unlikely that Obama could have banned your favorite thing, as different people have different favorite things, but only those who have the same favorite thing as you do are reading this article. This is because Obama not only has been spying on you with the help of the NSA to find out what your favorite thing is in order to enact personal revenge, but he also controls social media to the extent that he personally determines what articles each person is exposed to. While there are reports by allegedly legitimate sources claiming a pair of spotlight-shunning billionaires who have been very influential in determining Donald Trump’s administrative picks actually have such power, that this powerful family owns a social media analytics company which helps decide which stories certain people will see, these reports are put out by sources which believe Obama is a legitimate president who is not out to get you. And, as words on the internet have already shown, such beliefs by these sources are incorrect, so their other beliefs should also be dismissed.

Before using his immense power to delete almost all records of his statements this morning from the internet, Obama warned those considering opposing his executive order taking away their favorite thing that such defiance would lead to a second executive order taking away their second favorite thing, and another for the third if necessary.

He also said he would give you your favorite thing back if President-Elect Trump showed willingness to understand and respect how the United States’ government is supposed to work, but since Trump is rather unlikely to be the sort of president that Obama and other Washington insiders think he should be, there is probably nothing you can do about it. Your favorite thing is taken away, never to be returned.

All thanks to Obama.