Mark Cuban Trolls Trump by Inking Deal to Play for Mavericks

In what appears to be an elaborate dig at President Trump, multi-billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has signed the largest contract in sports history to play for his own team. If he passes his physical,  the 61-year-old will receive 600 million dollars through the 2032-33 season to play professional basketball.

The entrepreneur and NBA Celebrity All-Star Game participant convinced GM Donnie Nelson to offer him this enormous contract after a recent five-minute workout preceding Mavs practice which, according to Cuban, showed how he is an incredibly talented basketball player and deserves every penny of this contract. He also provided Heck Yes News with an account of his workout in order to show how impressive it was, and that account is reproduced directly below:

 

When I got onto the court, the first thing I did was run across it. The whole way. Not just the first few steps, which are easy and anyone can do, but thirty, no, thirty-five steps to run across all 90 feet of the court. The last five steps were a little difficult, and I felt myself getting a little out of breath, but I took them all. And while Kristaps Porzingis is a great player, I guarantee you that he wouldn’t have taken all thirty-five steps. He’d probably take about half of those, maybe less, and then stop because he’d be at the other end of the court already.

Then I took a few seconds to catch my breath before doing lay-up drills. I might have been a little rusty so I missed the first, but then I made my next four shots. Kissed them off the glass. I didn’t even ask, I just started kissing them. When you’re a star of Shark Tank, and also own the team that’s about to practice, they let you do it.

And let me tell you, that’s not so easy either. Not everyone can make a lay-up. Many people can’t make a lay-up at all. Very small children. Most people over a hundred years old. Charles Smith. Knicks fans know what I’m talking about. And I know what I’m talking about when I say I would be an absolutely incredible NBA player.

After the lay-ups, I took some free throws. Maybe fifteen, and every single one hit at least some part of the basket. Amazing, I know, but I did it because I’m just that good. Five in particular, I remember just how they went, in order. Short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, swish. If you asked me again in ten minutes, I’d tell you short, brick, rimmed out, rattled in, and swish, in that order, because that’s how high my basketball IQ is. I will probably remember this two years from now and remind people every chance I get because of how impressive this is.

Speaking of impressive, there was no time for 3-point shots, so I took two shots from the three point line on the other side of the court. I shot airballs. Two beautiful airballs. In the first beautiful, embarrassing airball, I used a two-handed shooting motion and the ball passed the net about a foot to the left and a couple of feet under it. Then I threw the other one as high and hard as I could, and it went over the backboard. I might have injured my shoulder, but I expect a clean bill of health. The team doctors will say that I have the greatest shoulder they have ever seen, and that no one else in the world has a shoulder quite as strong as mine.

But right now, it really hurts, and I need to get it iced pronto.

When reached for comment, team officials said they were not concerned about this contract and the havoc it would wreak on the team’s salary cap, let alone how much of a liability he would be on the court when it comes to basketball ability. The contract is expected to be voided due to a failed physical. He hurt his shoulder, and if that’s not bad enough, something else will be found. Possible arthritis. Probable chronic tendinitis. Long-in-the-tooth syndrome. Bone spurs.

Yeah, probably bone spurs.

 

Senate Declares Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Champions

With a 51-49 vote, the United States Senate passed a resolution this morning proclaiming the score of the Super Bowl to be 28-27 in favor of the Kansas City Chiefs, thus eliminating the need for passes and catches and running and tackling and all the other things which are normally associated with a football game.

The Senate wasn’t even expected to be in session this morning, but Leader McConnell told all members of the legislative body that they had very important business to attend to and they needed to be in the Senate chambers by 8 a.m. sharp. Everyone showed up, many hoping there was a change of heart regarding allowing witnesses in the impeachment trial, but no such luck. This was all about the Super Bowl.

Every Democrat and Democrat-leaning independent voted against this measure, saying it was not the role of the Senate to legislate sports outcomes, and just because the Senate isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing doesn’t mean it needs to engage in total nonsense like this. However, despite the clear logical argument put forth by the Democrats, Republicans voted overwhelmingly in favor of the resolution. They did so because Leader McConnell told them to, although several expressed other justifications for their decision.

According to Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who may not have paid any attention to football this year, the San Francisco 49ers simply have not shown enough evidence that they are capable of winning this game, or at least if they have he hasn’t seen it since he wasn’t paying attention, so why even bother having a game?

Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was a little more divided in his opinion, saying that the 49ers “Obviously showed some level of skill in the game of football by making it this far, but their level of talent doesn’t rise to the level of actually necessitating a game.”

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) had this to say:

Yes, the San Francisco team is clearly talented. Yes, the football games they played throughout the season demonstrate an unmistakable pattern of excellence which meets and perhaps exceeds the level of a championship-caliber NFL team. If there were to be a game, honestly it could go either way. But the fact remains, going through with this would be bad for the country. Millions of people missing work or showing up hungover is a massive drain on the economy. Forcing girlfriends, and some boyfriends, to watch a game they don’t care about puts a strain on relationships. And then we must think of those going through the emotional pain of having no one to watch the game with, mere weeks before suffering through a lonely Valentine’s Day. So let us end this long national nightmare of this football season and focus on what is really important, whatever that is.

 

 

NY Giants, NY Mets Agree to Swap Rosters

American Football, Rhino, Sports

Both the Giants and Mets are not represented by the rhinoceros

Citing strong dissatisfaction with the direction of their teams, management for both the New York Giants and the New York Mets decided to make radical changes to their respective teams by taking each other’s players. Most of the Giants have little to no experience playing baseball at a high level, and the Mets have very little experience with NFL-caliber football, but the old strategy wasn’t working so they are trying something else.

The Mets, who not long ago had one of the best pitching staffs in baseball, are expected to have an abysmal starting rotation. Eli Manning is the best bet to notch a quality start, with about 50:1 odds to make it through six innings without giving up more than three runs. A fastball unlikely to crack 80 MPH and zero ability to throw breaking pitches won’t strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams, but he’ll find the strike zone much more often than he found the end zone, and if his teammates learn to play decent defense then he might be able to keep his ERA under 20.00. The rest of the rotation is unclear, although maybe Geno Smith will get a shot, and the guy who kicks the field goals might pitch because he has shown some sort of eye-limb coordination. And since none of them are expected to throw very hard, maybe they can each pitch every three games without getting too tired or injured.

As for offense, well, there is a lot of physical strength on the team. So with a bit of training, and a bit more training, and a good deal of luck regarding some of them having the innate talent which allows them to hit major league pitching once in a while, they should eventually start scoring runs. If the run-scoring comes at the same time as a strong pitching performance allowing less than ten runs in a game, these new New York Mets might win a game over the course of the season. Maybe even more than one.

Probably not more than ten. Definitely not more than fifty. This team is likely to be the worst Mets team in the history of the Mets, making 1962 look like 2015 or even 1986. For those readers who do not know what those years mean, the point is these new Mets are not the same as the old Mets because they will be much worse. But management decided that any change was better than sticking with what they had, so this is what they have now.

As for the new NY Giants, if they could clone Noah Syndergaard and have him play every position then this might be a playoff-caliber team. However, since this is reality and not The Land of Unrealistic Hypothetical Scenarios, they will have to make do with different players at each position. Syndergaard can be tight end, with the steady arm of Jacob DeGrom at quarterback. Cespedes can be running back until his hamstring breaks again, and then Tim Tebow can get a chance at that position. Tebow certainly isn’t going to play quarterback again. The wide receivers can be whoever, since they’re not going to be thrown to anyway. It’ll just be Degrom handing the ball off or throwing it to Syndergaard/the other team every play. Matt Harvey can be the kicker—that way he can protect his fragile arm and shoulder, and it’s not like they’ll be in field goal range very often. David Wright will do the same nothing as he usually does.

As for defense—it will be bad. Maybe the Giants will put some of the stronger players on both sides of the ball, but none of them will be especially good. Opposing offenses, even terrible ones, will cause major problems for this defense, and the drastic changes made to the team won’t make it better suited to tackle its problems. With the new defensive linemen giving up about 100 pounds to opposing offensive lines, the Giants’ enemies will be able to embarrass them thoroughly as long as these Giants have any pride left.

It could be tempting to switch the teams back again, but what’s done is done so there’s no way to turn back now. The only thing to do is give them a chance to disprove the haters and doubters, of which there are many. If they are still dysfunctional by 2020, then there will be an opportunity to fill roster spots with players who are qualified for the position.

At least, this will be possible if the Mets and Giants still exist when 2020 comes around.

Congress Recruits Phil Jackson to Fix Health Care

Phil Jackson, the legendary coach for the Bulls and Lakers and unforgettable team executive for the New York Knicks, found a new job the same day he lost his old one. He will now bring his unique, if somewhat muddled, vision to try to fix another disappointing institution: the American health care industry.

The timing was apparently perfect, with the Senate giving up on passing its most recent health care bill at about the same time the Knicks gave up on Phil Jackson. And despite being rejected by the team where he won his first NBA championship, Mr. Jackson dusted himself right off and got to work on trying to design a winning health care strategy for the American people.

Within an hour of accepting the job, Mr. Jackson rolled out the basics of his health care strategy. It would be a triangle system, called the Triangle Defense because of the defense it would provide against threats to Americans’ well-being. The triangle consists of physical health, mental health, and staying off private property which you do not own and were not invited into.

According to Mr. Jackson, as long as he is in charge of health care strategy this system must be implemented, no matter who objects against it. The amount of money being made by the complaining doctor is irrelevant, as is the amount of replicas sold of that whiny doctor’s scrubs or lab coat. All health care legislation consulted on by Mr. Jackson must cover all three facets of the triangle for all patients, although he did concede the triangle does not need to be equilateral so perhaps the last point doesn’t require as much focus as the others.

This preliminary health plan is not without its critics, as many are saying Phil Jackson seems overly concerned with keeping kids off his lawn, especially since the lawn which Phil Jackson wanted a 33-year-old, six-foot-eight kid to leave is no longer Phil Jackson’s lawn. The plan has also been blasted for failing to address how this health care plan would be paid for, but such criticisms were shrugged off. Mr. Jackson countered by saying “If the talent is good enough, it doesn’t matter how much money we have. All we need is a doctor with Michael Jordan’s skills helping with physical health, and a Pippen-level doctor for mental health, and then a Shaq-type doctor for safety counseling or whatever you want to call it, and have that in hospitals and such throughout the country, and we will make America healthy again.”

Mr. Jackson signed a five-year contract for an undisclosed sum, and assured the public they should temper their expectations and not anticipate any tangible improvements for at least two years. And the U.S. Sicks will struggle for even longer if the midterm elections do not lead to a significant shake-up in Congressional makeup.

Cavaliers to Clash With Warriors in Epic Game of Hoops

The Cleveland-based alliance called the Cavaliers, led by representatives from House James and House Love and House Irving, is set to battle a similar alliance of Oakland-based houses tonight at 9 PM Eastern Westerosi time. The battles shall number anywhere from four to seven, and the winner shall choose a champion to sit atop the Iron Hoop.

For the duration of the past year, King LeBron James of House James has sat on the Iron Hoop, but not often. Sitting on the Iron Hoop is rather inconvenient for myriad reasons. Firstly, ascent is a challenge, as ten feet separate ground from rim, and it is considered poor form to use ladders or other climbing devices. The climb requires significant strength, as one must first jump and grab the rim and then pull oneself up several feet in order to achieve the sitting position. Once up there, eating is difficult and sleeping more so, and none have ever led a squad to victory while also sitting on the Iron Hoop. Yet no honor is more coveted than the right to sit atop the Hoop, and it is for this honor that the Cavaliers of Cleveland travel to Castle Oracle in order to defend their supremacy against the Warriors of Golden State.

The Warriors, who suffered a narrow and bitter defeat in last year’s quest for the Iron Hoop, may be stronger this year than last. Led by Lord Steph Curry of House Curry, whose father Ser Dell Curry also played the Game of Hoops at a high level although he never touched the Iron Hoop, these Warriors have emerged victorious in thirteen consecutive battles, often against some of the most skilled hoop knights in the world. The primary reason why these Warriors are so intimidating is the addition of Ser Kevin of House Durant, formerly Lord Kevin Durant of Castle Chesapeake Energy, who many see as having betrayed Lord Russell of House Westbrook in forming a partnership with Lord Steph. But betrayals are common in the Game of Hoops, and now the combined shooting and slashing skills of Lord Steph, Ser Klay Thompson, Ser Draymond Green, and Ser Kevin Durant may be unparalleled in all the land.

Intimidating as they may be, the Warriors still face a worthy opponent in the Cavaliers of Castle Quicken Loans. LeBron James, who was called King James even before being crowned because of what some consider a clever jape involving his name and a holy book, is one of the most powerful and talented hoop knights to ever play the Game. And Ser Kyrie Irving, also known as Kyrie Landbound due to his fear of sailing off the edge of the world, is quick with his movement and deadly with his shots, and also makes the knights around him better. Also with this group is Ser Kevin of House Love, formerly Lord Love of Castle Target, who is known as The Mountain That Shoots Three Pointers because he is a tall person who shoots three pointers with commendable accuracy. These three powerful knights, with the help of some others (not Others), recently crushed the highly regarded Celtics of TD Garden. So the competition should be fierce.

Both groups have clearly been blessed by the Warrior, although the Warriors may have received the greater blessing. None can be certain who will emerge victorious, but a winner will have to be crowned before the changing of the season.

A winner shall be chosen soon. One must be.

Summer is coming.