Trump Will Nominate Self To Supreme Court

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The look on Donald Trump’s face when he’s forced to actually read documents related to Supreme Court cases


The Internet – Donald Trump, who is apparently still president, planned to announce his pick for the Supreme Court later today, but the word is out: he’s nominating himself.

Critics barely found the energy to pounce on such a bombshell, as they are exhausted from all the other dangerous ridiculousness coming from this administration, but those who managed to  find room for a little more outrage questioned the Constitutionality of the choice. Sean Spicer did not respond, because he was laid up at the hospital getting chewing gum removed from his digestive tract, but Kellyanne Conway stepped up to the plate, explaining that “It’s like Donald Trump’s taxes, people don’t care about that. They care about Donald Trump, they like him, and they want to see him doing as much as possible.”

Such a nomination may actually be allowed according to the Constitution, since the Ineligibility Clause only affects cases involving the Legislative Branch, and after a staffer whispered in Ms. Conway’s ear, she explained the probable legality of the choice in a rare factual statement of the non-alternative variety.

When questioned about whether Mr. Trump would have time to serve on the Supreme Court despite the time commitment required for being president, Ms. Conway explained that Mr. Trump will have plenty of time since “Steve is taking care of all the difficult aspects of the presidency, so time should not be an issue.” Then she glared at the press until anyone considering questioning Mr. Bannon’s level of influence opted not to ask such a question.

Despite the glaring, the press insisted upon asking more questions, with one reporter pointing out that even the ceremonial duties of the Head of State would require Mr. Trump to spend too much time away from Washington DC to possibly hear complicated cases, but Ms. Conway explained that Donald Trump would not have to be there because his judicial assistant would provide a brief summary of the issue at hand over the phone, and then the President/Supreme Court Justice would send his opinion to Chief Justice Roberts in a direct message on Twitter. Then, when a young reporter pointed out that John Roberts doesn’t really use Twitter, Ms. Conway countered that “He’d better start using it now if he knows what’s good for him.”

Another reporter said that Mr. Trump would likely be the most unqualified person ever appointed to the Supreme Court and therefore might have a tough time getting confirmed by the Senate. Ms. Conway replied by suggesting that this reporter should be jailed, or at least fired, for insulting the president, and that sitting Senators have nice careers at the moment and it would be a shame if something happened to those careers as a result of defying the administration.


After that, the reporters shuffled out of the room, dejected and terrified, just like much of the country. And many people felt that way before finding out about this nomination which, unless reality follows an alternative path to the one outlined in this article, is totally going to happen.

America Disappointed With Birthday Present

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The Internet – The United States of America turns 240 today, and much to its chagrin it got the same gift it gets every single year. Fireworks.

“Dammit,” the nation said, to no one in particular. “Why does it always have to be those darn explosions. Do I not feel enough shame over the course of the year about all the things that get blown up in my name, they have to remind me of it on my birthday? Which is supposed to be a happy day. And they tell me the fireworks look nice, but it’s the same thing every year and I’m more than two hundred years old already. Do they really expect me to be able to see more than a vague hint of unusual colors in the atmosphere? My eyes are shot, and my ears aren’t too far behind, but I can still hear the crackling and booming noises going on all weekend, and I expect more of them. But maybe if I’m lucky they’ll totally destroy my eardrums so I won’t have to hear it anymore.”

When asked what it wanted for its birthday, if not fireworks, America was reluctant to answer, claiming no one would listen anyway. But after continued prodding, it said it would like medical help. “The first thing I need,” it said, “is a Congressional transplant. That part of me has been toxic at times my whole life, and now it must be the most rotten organ that any body politic has ever had. Ever. Maybe my memory is fuzzy from old age, but I’m fairly certain that it’s the worst, and the only way to fix it would be to take out the whole thing and get a brand new one. It’s the 21st Century by now, so that has to be possible, right?”

When told a Congressional transplant would be impossible without a total overhauling of the Constitution, which would only happen if a massive majority of legislators agreed to forfeit their cushy jobs, America looked despondent. Then it rallied, as it often does, and said: “Freedom. The meaning of the word has been twisted over the years, often reflecting selfish desires rather than a universal right to be liberated from oppressors of all kinds. If we can get back to a more noble meaning of the concept, then I think I can be happy. Would that be possible?”

When told it was more realistic than a Congressional transplant but still highly unlikely, America sighed. “Oh well,” it said. “I guess I will try to appreciate these fireworks, since most of them do mean well, and hope they come up with something else for next year.”



Second Amendment On Suicide Watch

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A depressed second amendment should be able to get a banana gun, not an actual gun.

The Internet – The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution, the one about being allowed to have weapons in the context of a well-regulated militia but no one pays attention to the second half anymore, has obtained a gun and is threatening to shoot itself.

The 224-year-old collection of words, which has grown in stature significantly over the centuries, managed to purchase a gun without any actual money because it was able to convince a gun shop owner to honor its status as political capital. But the vendor, 42-year-old Bubba Holt-Epps, likely would not have needed much convincing as he worships the Second Amendment like it is a god, so Holt-Epps sold the firearm to the personified concept despite it not being an actual person. And now the Second Amendment has a gun and might use it on itself.

“It was never supposed to be like this,” the amendment was heard as saying. “I was supposed to give each local community  a chance to protect itself in case an emergency came up and the armed forces couldn’t get there in time. Or maybe I was supposed to provide a last-resort option in case the government became truly tyrannical. It’s been a while, so it’s hard to remember exactly what my original purpose was. But I do know I wasn’t supposed to provide an excuse to make it easy for anyone to get a deadly weapon no matter how unfit this person is to have the power of life and death. I mean, they gave me a gun and I’m clearly not stable. Frankly, I’m rather upset right now, and mostly I’m upset at the monstrosity I’ve become. I want to change, but thanks to the way I was made I can’t do it on my own. I’ll need help, and if I can’t get the help I need then I’ll just have to destroy myself and put an end to all this senseless suffering. But first, I need to sleep on it.”

After the monologue, the Second Amendment turned the gun’s safety lock on and then wrapped itself around the firearm and began a restless night’s sleep. Maybe it will feel better in the morning, but after all it’s been through lately that seems unlikely, so the amendment will need to be watched carefully for the foreseeable future.

Congress is not doing anything about the issue at the moment, probably because it’s around midnight, but based on the current legislature’s track record they are likely not to do anything that would keep guns out of the hands of constitutional amendments, because if you do that then you could prevent others from getting guns and then the gun control people win and the Second Amendment would be dead anyway.

It looks bleak for the 2nd Amendment, but there may be hope. Because of the preponderance of dark ink on the amendment, the argument can be made that it is, in fact, black, and if Congress believes that the amendment is a racial minority then they might be willing to take action to disarm it.