Stock Market Tumbles From Clinton-Based Fears

It has been a rough morning on Wall Street today, with the Dow Jones Average dropping over 500 points as of 11:30 Eastern Time, a decrease of over 2%. This is a big deal.

Serious financial analysts are likely to speculate on the cause of this downturn, with such theories as Trump’s economic strategy being unsustainable or that people don’t want to go out and spend money because they are afraid of getting murdered by a stranger, but those theories are wrong. The real reason is that investors are afraid of what Hillary Clinton might do.

Why are investors terrified of Hillary Clinton? Many of them support the president, so they believe him when he retweets theories that Hillary Clinton and possibly Bill were responsible for the death of Jeffrey Epstein. And if Hillary Clinton can murder a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal prison, a place where she would not be expected to have significant connections, then there may be no limit to what she would be able to do. And this terrifies investors.

What if she has voodoo powers? What if when she was thought to be wandering around in the woods, she was really meeting with the world’s foremost voodoo priestesses in order to learn how to protect herself from potential prosecution now that she wouldn’t have presidential immunity like Trump does? And what if the way to protect herself is to get rid of the billionaires who know things, many of whom are big parts of Fortune 500 companies? There is no significant factual basis to any of this, but many investors support Trump so they believe this theory.

As of today, Hillary Clinton has not taken a printed image of Steven Ross, placed it in between the spokes of a stationary bike, and started biking, thus causing the SoulCycle owner to disintegrate and sending the company into an irreversible tailspin. She hasn’t used millions of dollars, which according to this theory was embezzled from the Clinton Foundation, in order to send several dummy-driven stock cars crashing into each other, a scene which would be repeated at a NASCAR race where the CEO is sitting right by the wall until two cars crash through the wall, catch fire, and hit him. She also hasn’t done many other things to kill billionaires which are impossible in any logic-grounded reality but quite possible in Conspiracy World. And despite not doing any of these things or showing any propensity toward such monstrosities, investors are scared.

And they are selling.

The Dow Jones is now down 659.58 points as of 12:10 PM Eastern Time. All, of course, due to fear of the Clintons.

But maybe we shouldn’t blame it on the Clintons. It would make more sense to blame it on the alcohol.

Go home America, you’re drunk.

And not even because of this fictional theory about a real stock market drop. Just in general.

Fast Food Kiosks Expected to Work Perfectly, Eliminate Lots of Jobs

Abstract, Barbeque, Bbq, Beauty, Beef

For the millions of people who dread going to a fast food restaurant because of the need to talk to another human being in order to order food, they will no longer have any reason to worry. Kiosks will be made available in all Wendy’s restaurants, with other franchises to follow, totally eliminating the need for cashiers, as machines are flawless and easy-to-operate so there will be no problems.

Philip DeMarco, a 76-year-old frequent patron of fast food establishments despite the advice of his doctor, was thrilled about this development. “It’s really exciting,” he said. “First of all, it’s a change, and I love change. I think all people my age do. Plus, I don’t hear as good as I used to, and sometimes when I make my order and the girl at the counter says it back to me, I’m not sure if she got it right. But computers  always work great and they never make mistakes, so all I need to do is press the buttons and give it my credit card information – which I am very comfortable with – and then I’ll be able to get my burger without talking to anyone.”

Diana Blake, a 34-year-old single mother of three, was similarly enthusiastic. “Ordering at the counter is always such a nightmare,” she said. “My kids are always running around or shouting and sometimes fighting with each other, probably because they’re bored. But now that there’s a kiosk, I’ll be able to make it a game it with them and have them press the buttons for what they want. Only Jayden, that’s my six-year old, the others are four and three, is able to read or even see the screen, but I should be able to lift the other ones up and show them what to press. Should be so much easier than the old way.”

Not only is this good for the customers, but it could also be good for the cashiers. According to someone who asked not to be named or described, “When these cashiers are no longer burdened with these minimum-wage jobs, they will be able to go back to school and learn how to do something which will contribute to society. Perhaps some sort of office work in a law firm, which is so much more important than making sure people get their food, especially now that there are machines to do it for them.”

So there you have it. Lots of cashiers are going to lose their jobs because of these machines, and it’s totally going to be good for everyone.


*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.