Denmark to Sell Greenland to Winner of Global Ninja World Leader Competition

In a surprising turn of events, Denmark has reversed their decision to not sell Greenland to anyone under any circumstances, and will now sell it to the winner of a competition based on the Ninja Warrior franchise. This is based on a source which is about as reliable as wherever Donald Trump gets his information, so heck yes it is true!

In this true thing that will happen, interested heads of government will gather in Copenhagen to compete on a course modeled after those found on Ninja Warrior courses, but much easier so you don’t need to be an elite athlete to finish the course.

It will start with competitors crossing a series of circular wooden boards elevated in the water, each five feet in diameter and about five feet apart from each other. Then contestants will zipline to a landing pad and then jump another five feet to the next obstacle, which is a balance beam. Just a regular balance beam. The world leaders who get through that will put on velcro gloves and use those to make their way across a velcro wall. Then they’ll need to cross twenty feet of water on monkey bars. And anyone who does this will have to run/walk/crawl up a 30 degree ramp to hit a buzzer. Whoever makes it the farthest the fastest will have the right to buy Greenland.

This is not especially good news for Donald Trump. The competition will only run if there are at least ten contestants, and if Trump tries at all he will probably come in last. Certainly not first. Even if no young and athletic heads of state from countries Trump called “sh*tholes” show up, Trudeau will still embarrass him almost as badly as he did while greeting Melania at the G7 Summit.

But there is hope yet. Trump could convince Pence to resign, appoint an older Ninja Warrior athlete like David Campbell as vice president, and then resign on the day of the competition. Because sometimes, sacrifices have to be made for the sake of getting a huge chunk of ice with a few people on it and some mineral wealth.

Then the athletic new president would appoint an actual politician as vice president, win the competition, and then resign. Heck Yes News does not know the political leanings of various ninja athletes, but they tend to be very hard-working and compassionate people, so any one of them would probably choose someone better than we have now.

They will probably also decline to buy Greenland, instead entrusting their successor to enter into reasonable agreements for mining rights, but shh. A certain stable genius does not need to know that.

Jeffrey Epstein Murdered by The Babadook

The editorial board requires a trigger/content warning for this one. If Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes upset you to the point that being reminded of them makes you feel physically unwell or otherwise extremely uncomfortable you should not read this. This also deals with the topic in a way which those unfamiliar with this publication’s unconventional perception of reality might see as less-than-serious. Now that we’ve gotten that over with, it’s time to start the article.

Notorious sexual predator and alleged billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell Saturday morning of an apparent suicide. It is only apparent rather than confirmed because if anyone else saw what happened, they haven’t spoken to any honest law enforcement officials about it. Due to this uncertainty, the internet has theories.

Many people are saying the Clintons had him killed, which is said by those people about many remotely suspicious deaths. This scenario is unlikely because the Clintons are lawyers and would presumably know that potentially incriminating documents are more likely to leak if the person those documents focus on is dead. Also, being lawyers, and intelligent, they know that murder is a very serious crime which the paranoid public would never let them get away with. Despite this, many people suspect the Clintons, and those people are wrong.

Others are saying Trump did it. This is somewhat less unlikely, since Trump does not seem to understand laws or consequences and he has gotten rid of just about every administration member who might try to educate him on these matters. Epstein was in a federal prison, so even if they didn’t actively hurt him they could have “accidentally” failed to protect him. This theory is also false.

There are also people who believe that there was no foul play, and that he might have truly have appeared stable enough to justify removal from suicide watch, and then recent events led to a shift in Epstein’s mental state. This, too, is wrong.

The truth is not even being considered by so-called legitimate news outlets, and the truth is that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered by the Babadook.

The gay icon/Twitter troll/nightmarish monster did not disclose a motive for the killing outside of what is revealed by the Babadook’s statements around the time of the murder. And we have some of those statements as a Heck Yes News exclusive:

“I can feel your guilt/I can smell your sin/So you have no choice/You must LET ME IN!”

“You are codfish piss/worse than Captain Hook/You won’t be missed/By the Babadook”

“Moral and nice/Are two things I ain’t/But you make me feel/Like I am a saint”

“It won’t be long/’Til I break your neck/And when you’re gone/You will go to heck”

“In heck it’s warm/In heck they paste/And not much else/They are very chaste”

“And now you’re dead/Coughing from heck’s smoke/I wish this would fix/The spirits you broke”

 

After confessing to the murder, the Babadook left and did not say where he would be going, but most likely he will be visiting some of Epstein’s closest former associates to try to scare some information out of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New App Shows What Your Phone Looks Like With a Virus

A new web app offers social media users the opportunity to find out what their phone looks like with a virus on it, and millions of people have taken advantage of this offer.

Or perhaps the offer has taken advantage of them.

The web app, known as LoonzLoonz after the website where it can be found, is one of many mind-bogglingly popular applications offering quizzes in which the participant does not answer a single question. LoonzLoonz struggled at first with such quizzes as “Which Care Bear is Going to Murder You?” and “What is Your Soul Mate¬†Going to Use as an Excuse to Reject You This Time?”, but when it launched “What Does Your Phone Look Like with a Virus?”, that’s when the app finally went…ahem…viral.

One user, who wishes to remain anonymous due to shame, told HuzzahNews “I gave LoonzLoonz a chance because this seemed like important information. If I don’t know how to spot the signs of a virus early, it could spread and spread and completely destroy my phone. So I took the quiz, which only asked me if I knew how to press a button to log in with Facebook, and it showed me a screenshot of the home screen of my phone. So I thought, ‘this app is worthless, that’s what my phone looks like now and I don’t have a virus,’ but I was dead wrong. The moment I opened my browser the next day, I got taken somewhere offering me a new phone, and I didn’t trust it so I closed my browser which actually closed my browser, and then my screen seemed to be sneezing. Like cascading droplets from the top to the bottom, non-stop for like an hour. I couldn’t get back in the browser and I couldn’t turn off the phone. Eventually it got really hot and died, and the company says they won’t replace my phone because the warranty doesn’t cover stupidity”

Sad news. Sad news indeed. Maybe one of the ten worst things which happened this week. Worse still, people who want to take action against LoonzLoonz are powerless to do so because not only is there no way to know what their phone would look like with a virus without getting one, but the small print, which no one read, explicitly said that by logging in to Facebook, the user gives LoonzLoonz express permission to infect the user’s phone or other device with a nasty and incurable virus.

Some victims have expressed a desire to change the laws in order to prevent such trickery, but after having to buy a new phone or computer, none of them have the money needed to buy changes in the legal code of the United States of America.

Babadook Unleashes Tweetstorm on Donald Trump

After weeks of silence, The Babadook returned to Twitter this morning to submit several tweets over the course of an hour either at or about Donald Trump.

At the beginning on the barrage, the Babadook likened the president to one of the primary villains in a classic comic strip:

This is appropriate because Mr. Trump seems to think most Americans are twerps, although he is trying to take away their health care money rather than their lunch money, except in the case of attempted cuts in school lunch programs in which case he wants to take away lunch money too. For most monsters, one tweet attack would have been enough, but not for the Babadook. He followed up with this:

A Yeti, of course, might be a better president than Donald Trump. And the same is true for the Babadook, despite his tendency to be mildly menacing in tweets such as this one:

While the Babadook can admittedly be scary, he is not nearly as terrifying as the prospect of millions of Americans being priced out of being able to get basic medical care.

Then the Babadook hit harder:

 

The storm concluded with this strike:

Donald Trump has yet to respond to any of these Tweets, probably because he was too shaken by the attacks to reply.

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Millions Dead in Bowling Green Massacre

Bowling, Kids, Blue, Green, Ball, Pin

You might think the green bowling ball can’t massacre those pins from that angle, but not everything is as it seems.

The Internet – While there were zero casualties from the Bowling Green Massacre when it initially took place in 2011, it claimed millions of lives in February of 2017. The deceased have been confirmed dead because they said so themselves.

“I am dying right now,” said one Twitter user, whose name has been withheld out of respect for the dead. And then in a follow-up tweet: “Actually, no. I am dead. I am literally dead. Bowling Green Massacre LMAODKWTSRN.” The meaning of the letters at the end is unknown, but dead people can’t be expected to make sense when they write.

The amount of dead cannot be ascertained at the time, but judging by social media activity the number is probably in the millions. Not only have people been dying from this on Twitter, but also on Facebook and Reddit and Instagram and various message boards. The leading cause of death has been blood loss resulting from butt loss, with the latter stemming from excessive laughter. Others died of asphyxiation from laughing too hard at Ms. Conway’s comments to be able to breathe any more. Additionally, hundreds of thousands perished from a condition called “even failure”, which is brought about when one is too flabbergasted to “literally even.”

Despite the millions and millions of casualties from this totally real massacre, Kellyanne Conway’s career seems to have survived.