Avocado Club: David Wolfe is Toast!

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Not a picture of David Wolfe



The Avocado Club, which calls itself North America’s foremost association of avocado aficionados, has thoroughly denounced internet celebrity David Wolfe, calling him toast.

Avocado Club leadership has been opposed to toast for a significant amount of time, ever since avocado toast gained a reputation as a favorite food of urban millennials, the people who allegedly chose to spend their money on things like avocado toast rather than saving up their cash to eventually invest in purchasing a home. According to the Avocado Club, from that point on toast was something which makes avocados look bad. And since David Wolfe, who has been putting “Avocado” in his name for years, makes avocados look bad, David Wolfe has been declared toast and is now being asked to remove the fruit from his name.

Ronnie Avocado (not his birth name), president of the Avocado Club, had this to say on the matter:

David Wolfe? More like AvocadNO! Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad joke, but not as bad of a joke as all this nonsense this fake avocado keeps trying to shove down our throats when our throats should be getting more delicious avocados. Like, how is anybody supposed to appreciate the savory flavor of the greatest sandwich fruit ever made when they are dead? Because if they get bad flu because David Notvocado told them some lies about mercury so they skip the vaccine, that’s how you get dead people.

And when you get the stomach flu because you drank some raw water full of all-natural e-coli, how much appetite for avocados are you going to have? Most likely none, and that’s how much respect we have for David “Toast” Wolfe.

People worship his every word like he’s some sort of holy man, like he’s some sort of guacamole man, but really he’s more of a toilet bowly man. If you can see me and believe in the realness of my being, then believe this: If David Wolfe keeps calling himself what he is not, then the Avocado Club will be forced to take this turkey to court. Where we may o’ may not take all his money. Okay, yeah, that’s enough. I’ll stop now.

At press time, the Avocado Club was debating whether to try to get the avocado, lettuce and tomato sandwich renamed to avoid association with the alt-right.

Also, incidentally, there is no record of anyone ever seeing Ronnie Avocado, but according to words on the internet he is apparently a real person.

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Dozens Dead from Scientific Illiteracy at Anti-Vax Party

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Some people can’t bear the idea of children getting vaccinated


The Internet – Forty-two people attended a gathering celebrating the Trump Administration’s willingness to question the validity of vaccines, and thirty-nine of them are now dead. The official cause of death in every instance was methyl alcohol poisoning, although failure to understand science was also very much to blame.

The disease prevention opponents, who are vehemently opposed to the inclusion of thimerosal in vaccines because they are apparently unaware of the difference between ethylmercury and methylmercury, decided to throw a house party in honor of the new government’s acceptance of pseudoscience, but they ran into budgetary issues. While many vaccine opponents are quite wealthy, others aren’t, and this unfortunate group fell into the latter category, so buying common alcoholic beverages was prohibitively expensive.

What is not expensive, however, is a gallon of methanol when it is available on Amazon for eight dollars. And, much like they were unaware that ethylmercury is expelled from the human body fairly quickly while methylmercury is not and tends to cause dangerous toxicity through accumulation, most party attendees were unaware of the difference between ethanol and methanol. If all mercury is the same, then through the same logic all alcohol is the same. However, as the three non-drinking survivors soon found out first-hand, a few ounces of ethanol makes you drunk, while a few ounces of methanol makes you dead.

If this story is to be believed, which it should be because it is on the internet, what happened at that party was terribly tragic since those thirty-nine methanol drinkers are just as dead as the hundreds of millions of people who died from smallpox in the 20th century, people who died because vaccines hadn’t wiped out the disease yet.


Research Allergy Discovered, Sufferers Refuse Treatment

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People with research allergies might think this owl discovered research allergies


The Internet – According to recent discoveries in the medical science field, the cause behind various gaffes in the Republican National Convention was not pure laziness or incompetence. It turns out many of those involved with the convention, including invited guests, speech writers, and music planners, are afflicted by a highly specific allergy in which any attempt by the brain to conduct research or fact-checking triggers an immune response which attacks the relevant cerebral area, thus shutting down the thought process and preventing successful research. There could be hope for these sufferers, however, due to the extremely recent development of allergy shots addressing this specific problem, but people with research allergies would have to consent to the shots.

So far, nobody who is allergic to research has consented to the shots.

The most common reason cited for this refusal by these people who refuse to cite anything is how well they are currently paid to not do any research. Their various benefactors, which are primarily politically conservative lobby groups, donate generously to their political careers in exchange for blind support of the lobby’s cause. If the research allergy was cured, there could be a possibility of increased understanding leading to switching positions from the approved one to a less profitable one, and the people questioned didn’t want to know how terrible that could be.

Others expressed a reluctance to be able to research because of an unwillingness to be anything like Hillary Clinton. Clinton, they said, seemed like the sort of person who would do a lot of research before she decided anything, although they couldn’t be sure because their allergies would not allow them to have fact-based certainty regarding anything. But still, they had strong faith that Hillary Clinton does a lot of research, and an even stronger belief they didn’t want to be anything like her, so they chose to take a pass on treatment.

Others did not want the shots because they oppose anything resembling vaccinations. Some were afraid the shots would give them autism, others feared autism being passed on to their future children, and still others were afraid that using a needle to cure a research allergy would give autism to their already-born children. Unsurprisingly, none were interested in hearing why their fears were unfounded.

As research allergies are not physically contagious, those who don’t want shots, which includes all of those with the allergies, do not have to get shots. However, elected officials with research allergies could be in danger of losing re-election bids due to their stubborn ignorance, but only if the majority of the electorate does not share these allergies.


Totally Scientific Study: Vaccines Are the Worst

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According to a totally scientifically valid study polling the members of a forum whose name has not been revealed for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the absolute worst thing in the world. The favorability rating for vaccines, according to this study, is zero percent, or infinitely lower than the favorability rating among Hispanics for Donald Trump the presidential candidate.

According to one of the totally random individuals cited in this poll, vaccines are awful because of vaccine-related deaths. Before vaccines, absolutely no one died as a result of having dead or weak pathogens injected into their bodies, but since then allergic reactions to vaccine contents have killed people, possibly as many as a hundred people per year.

As this study was of the scientific variety, the pollster did not follow up with statistics about the millions of deaths which are likely avoided each year due to vaccinations, because science is about supporting desired results, not finding the truth.

According to another polled individual, also anonymous for confidentiality reasons, vaccines are the sole cause of autism. Before Edward Jenner invented the smallpox vaccine hundreds of years ago, autism was so nonexistent that there wasn’t even a name for it, and now it affects millions of people, which can’t be for any other reason except vaccines definitely cause autism.

A third person blames vaccines for the bullying he endured as a child. Specifically, if the neighborhood bully wasn’t vaccinated and therefore got polio and died, or at least lost his ability to walk, then the bully would not have been able to bully his victim.

When asked by a follow-up study whether they would take a mercury-free vaccine for gullibility-induced hysteria, most of the totally scientific study’s participants responded with a two-word phrase which cannot be printed in this publication.