Mean Poet’s Society Rewrites The New Colossus

Since it has become abundantly clear that the Trump Administration’s stance on immigration is grossly incompatible with Emma Lazarus’s poem The New Colossus, the Trump Administration has determined that the poem needs to be rewritten. Not just modified with an extra line or two that doesn’t even rhyme, but fully rewritten.

And since no one in Trump’s orbit has any creative abilities which extend to poetry, except maybe Kanye who would make it all about himself, the Trump team turned to the Mean Poet’s Society to write something which might might be deemed appropriate to be placed on a plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The Mean Poet’s Society was offered 20 dollars and a photo op for their efforts, and instead of laughing at the offer they declined the photo and came up with this:

The tired and poor should stay home and die
Thirst shall be quenched with the tears they will cry
Masses who huddle ‘round here should take hikes
No more roads of gold, soon streets will have spikes
The country’s full – more crowded than Sweden
We will just let those who will succeed in
Who will succeed? The rich and the white ones
The ones Donald Trump thinks are the right ones
For what Trump believes – the hatred he spews
Matters much more than majority views
The evil has landed, and it is us
All who dissent shall go under the bus
Praise to Donald Trump, destroyer of dreams
He laughs at your plight and ignores your screams

 

Trump staffers are currently conflicted about whether this is an insult or an accurate summation of their philosophy. With the difference often coming from how much they bothered to read. But none of them have come to the conclusion that it is both.

 

 

 

Lil Nas X Yeets For A Minute In New Song

Rapper Lil Nas X has a new song, and this one is more unique than his other music because he spends half the song yeeting.

It’s a two minute song, as has become standard for young rappers these days, but what is not standard is that one of those minutes is spent yeeting.

Yeeting is one of those things which Generation Z does and no one outside of that generation fully understands, but essentially it is celebrating an accomplishment by saying yeet.

Despite the popularity of yeeting among this younger generation, there have been no major hit songs prominently featuring that word. But this could change if Lil Nas X’s new track tears up the charts.

How new is this song? Extremely new. It is so new that no radio DJ’s have heard it. It is so new that zero prominent music bloggers have considered blogging about it, since they too haven’t heard it. In fact, “Yeet For A Minute” is so new that Lil Nas X might not have even heard it.

You might ask, if the artist who performs it hasn’t heard it, is it his song? Does it even exist? The answer to that, of course, is heck yes! Heck Yes Newss will wager all its legitimate press credentials on the realness of this new Lil Nas X song. And to prove it is real, the lyrics are below.

Haters be hating they say I’m a pan flash
But I’ll stick around longer than a can rash
Y’all eat up my rhymes, my club bangers and mash
That’s why I stay fronting with no fear of backlash

I’m like DJ Khaled, all I do is win it
Is why I’ll get away with yeeting for a minute
Writing this song was easy as sin, it
Isn’t very challenging to yeet for a minute

Number one song
Yeet
For very long
Yeet
Still going strong
Yeet
Bigger than Kong Kong
Yeet
Big like a dugong
Yeet
Yeah I said dugong
Yeet
They’re sea cows I’m not wrong
Yeet
Smash like in ping pong
Yeet
They said I don’t belong
Sheeet
I proved them haters wrong
Yeet
Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeeet
Yeet
Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeet
Yeet
Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeet Yeet
Yeet
And now this song’s complete
Yeet

“Hannah Hamberder” Tops Countryty Charts

Countryty singer Durks Benzley has the first #1 single on the Billboardard Countryty charts with his new single “Hannah Hamberder,” about a young woman named Hannah who sells hamberders and cheezberders and MAGA fries with kerchup.

The song, which has sold seventy copies according to Sounddscan and 7 million according to Donald Trump, edged out “Covfefe” by Redneck Code and Scott Travis to claim the pole position.

Countryty songs have not sold as well as other types of music, primarily because most people cannot access this music due to the reality they are living in. But have no worriesies, the crack team at Glue News put together a solid effort and managed to uncover the lyrics to “Hannah Hamberder” so they can be appreciated by those who cannot otherwise find countryty music.

I found Cheesus when I looked into her eyes
Best believe this, her doe eyes cause me to rise
Up from my car seat, no drive-in I’m at the counter
Every meal I eat and I’m so happy I found her

She’s Hannah Hamberder
I’m grateful to have heard her
Singing as she’s slinging MAGA fries made fresh to erder
Seven miles south of the Pennsylvania berder
I’m gonna make her mine, maybe make her moan liker Myrter

She’s got sweet buns, she was bred well in Kentucky
We’ll catch up after her shift, if she’s free and I am lucky
We’ll meet up for covfefe, I’ll buy the best for Hannah
The purdiest hamberder gal from here to Texarkana

She’s Hannah Hamberder
I’m grateful to have heard her
Singing as she’s slinging MAGA fries made fresh to erder
Seven miles south of the Pennsylvania berder
I’m gonna make her mine, maybe make her moan liker Myrter

So much time lost in her eyes that I didn’t see the ring
She’s married to a man who is the hamberder king
Won’t grab her by the patty and I know that no means no
I’ll just erder one last erder and this time it is to go

She’s Hannah Hamberder
Still grateful to have heard her
Singing as she’s slinging MAGA fries made fresh to erder
Seven miles south of the Pennsylvania berder
I’ll never make her mine but I’m glad I didn’t hurt her

I’ll never make her mine but I’m glad I didn’t hurt her

Durks Benzley could not be reached for comment. Neither could Dierks Bentley.

Babadook Leaves Closet, Writes New Book

The infamous villain known as the Babadook, who was recently outed as a gay monster, has come to terms with who he is and wrote a new book about it. TotesRealNews was able to get a copy of the text, and while the pictures are not available as of yet we assume at least one of them will look something like this:

Image result for babashook

The Babadook, who may or not be wearing a rainbow hat at the moment, definitely wrote these words as the text to the Babadook book:

The struggle was brutal, the struggle was real
When it came to attraction, women held no appeal
In my family men married women or no one
And no casual dating, our faith could be no fun
But I didn’t question, I swallowed my sadness
And slowly began my descent into madness
As I hid in a hat, with each hand in a glove
Since it seemed Babadook would never find love

And now, before the story continues, here’s another image from the internet which captures the Babadook’s new image:

Image result for babashook

If this was in the book, the picture wouldn’t have the tweet at the bottom. And speaking of the book, the text continues below:

 

My mood didn’t improve as I increased in age
The frustration festered and it turned into rage
My anger was palpable, it flowed through my veins
Corrupting my heart and gall bladder and brains
Gall bladder’s a big part of why I was vile
This medical issue meant an increase in bile
I was filled with bad humors which may have been killin’ me
And they led me straight into a life filled with villainy

Now, here’s a picture of the still-closeted Babadook:

Image result for angry babadook

It was the phase of the Babadook’s life represented above which is described in the Bababook text below:

I made it my mission to make misery spread
I’d pick out a victim and I’d get in their head
I’d stalk and I’d taunt and I’d cause hearts to pound
Life was more exciting when I was around
But their lives weren’t good, and often not long
And I felt no remorse since the hate was so strong
I kept messing lives up while dressing so spiffily
Until very recently when I had an epiphany

Now, another picture from the internet which could be in this book if it doesn’t use new artwork:

Image result for babashook

And the conclusion:

 

If it makes me happy, then there is no harm
To flashier fashion and a man on my arm
I used to hide. Now you all can look.
I’m out and proud. Now get Babashook
I’m no longer evil. I’m in a better place
But I’ll make an exception in one special case
At night I’ll go to bed instead of going bump
But during the day I might scare Donald Trump

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, because it’s the weekend and he’s probably golfing.

 

Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet – As this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Pseudo-Muppet Ruining Halloween

Pumpkin, Jack O Lantern, Sad, Orange

The pumpkin is sad due to the damage done by the pseudo-Muppet.

The Internet – Halloween is often among the best days of the year for many Americans, both young and somewhat young,  with the enjoyment centered around trick-or-treating for children as well as parties for the not-as-young.

The common thread  between these different ways of celebrating the holiday is the tradition of dressing up in costume, a tradition which has been horribly damaged by someone who has been described as “a real-life Muppet” and “the worst.” There have been numerous complaints about this person, including one by a 31-year-old identified as Teddy G. who was so traumatized by the encounter he could only speak in rhyming verse.

This is his account:

In the month of October, in a store in New York
My two arms held a costume labeled as “Mork from Ork.”
It had stripes and suspenders, as was seen on the show
Would be great for the party where I planned to go
But as I waited for checkout, almost at the cashier
I observed a small person clear his throat and draw near

Drip, Spray, Water, Liquid

The small person is mostly this color. Maybe he ate lots of carrots and has too much fiber in his system, thus resulting in his litigious disposition.

He said: “You need to return this. You have to. You must.
You can’t dress like someone who’s bitten the dust
It isn’t respectful. It’s frankly obscene
It’s not the right way to observe Halloween
Just because some might laugh at Na-Nu-Na-Nu
Doesn’t make it remotely the right thing to do
Then I had to respond, so I said “Who are you?”

He said: “I am the Lawyrax, I speak for the dead
I speak for those sleeping in an eternal bed
But the speech that I speak is not just for sport
The speech that I speak can be spoken in court
So if you buy and wear this, it’s not merely rude
It is sufficient reason for you to get sued.”

Genie, Orlando, Florida, Cartoon

A costume like this would have also lead to an lawsuit from the Lawyrax

I didn’t want trouble, so I returned to the rack
I lifted the costume, and then I put it back
Then I got another, and returned to the line
Thinking my choice would be totally fine
But before I could buy it, who did I see?
‘Twas the Lawyrax again, sternly tapping my knee
Leading to a lost temper. I said, “Good God above!
What I have is a costume that everyone loves!

Elephant, Toy, Plush, Play, Fun

The costume looked at least a little like this.

And he said: “Not so fast. I speak for the fauna
I speak for each creature that can’t lounge in a sauna
I speak for each lemur and bee and iguana
I speak for the eagles and seals and piranhas
I speak because people like you think it’s peachy
To wear something which appropriates species

“If an elephant saw you, I’m sure it would squirm
Since this garb mocks the essence of a pachyderm
And if you’re sure that girls will find this adorable
Then you’re a basket case, ’cause the costume’s deplorable
Elephants would be offended, I’m sure, if they saw.
So put it back or I’ll fight you in a court of law.”

Omlett, Pfannekuche, Pan, Fat, Hob

This, colored green, with green ham, would not have been an acceptable costume either.

I picked up something else and then
Each time I got shot down again
He would not let me be a cop
Or dress up like I do hip-hop
He would not let me be a ghoul
Or Hamilton before the duel
Or Bono, Morrissey, or Sting
He wouldn’t let me be ANYTHING

So the mouth on my face had an upside-down grin
Because this Halloween, I will be staying in
Since to go out sans constume means oodles of shame
At the party, I’d surely regret that I came
Yet the Lawyrax cares not for how I would feel
A costume’s a costume, shouldn’t be a big deal