Multiple Video Game Characters Arrested For Murder, Other Crimes

Video games are back in the news again after a mind-boggling series of mass murders which make it seem like the real world is some sort of dystopian horror movie. This is because in true dystopian fashion, prominent political leaders are blaming video games for these horrifying acts of violence instead of more realistic underlying causes.

While there is little to no causative relationship between the violence found in video games and violence perpetrated in real life, police within video game realities have determined that many well-known community members are far too violent and they have made a string of arrests to deal with this problem.

They started by indicting virtually everyone in the Grand Theft Auto series on murder and racketeering charges.

Those two charges were also levied against Bowser “King” Koopa, along with possession of illegal deadly plants, operating flying warships without a license, nearly infinite counts of kidnapping, and necromancy. No one can resurrect themselves that many times, especially after suffering incurable injuries from lava exposure, without using illegal dark magic.

Shredder and Krang and Baxter Stockman and Bebop and Rocksteady and General Traag and various other violent villains from the Ninja Turtles franchise are all going to jail, as long as authorities can locate and arrest them. The video game police would enlist the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance, but the turtles are all under arrest for an unsettling pattern of pizza theft. When a pizza delivery professional sets down a pie for a moment, that is not permission to take it, no matter how noble your quest.

The turtles, of course, are not the only so-called good guys in legal trouble. Link and the unnamed paperboy are awaiting trial on vandalism charges. Dr. Mario’s lackadaisical pharmaceutical practices have had deadly consequences and he is finally being held fully responsible. Frogger not only endangers his own life, but those of motorists, with his highway hopping so he’s going to jail too. But not for as long as Kirby, who steals the soul of almost everyone he meets, only to spit it back out again minutes later.

The longest jail sentence out of all the video game heroes will be for Super Mario, who is different from Dr. Mario. While most video game heroes can claim self-defense for every time they kill someone, Mario cannot. Slow-moving goomba mushrooms and Koopa Troopa turtles do not pose a credible threat to any able-bodied awake individual, so there is no need to injure them, let alone kill them. And judging by the angle at which Super Mario often lands on these poor manipulated individuals, there is nothing accidental about these killings.

If Super Mario’s trial goes as expected, he will be in jail for a very long time.

The dog from Duck Hunt, unfortunately, is not expected to face any penalties whatsoever. And neither is the leadership of the NRA.

 

Bowser Koopa Pulls Out of Climate Agreement

Bowser “King” Koopa, the notorious megalomaniac and princess-kidnapper, sent shockwaves through the Mushroom Kingdom yesterday when he set fire to his copy of the Climate Control Act of 1985, thus declaring himself no longer bound to the decades-old agreement.

While Mr. Koopa has perpetrated his share of villainy throughout the years, it has always been environmentally conscious villainy. He has frequently used bombs as weapons, but these bombs only affect a small area and cause no noticeable damage after the initial shock of the explosion. The airships which he gave to his children kept emissions to nearly undetectable levels, which was unheard of at the time. And although Mr. Koopa and several of his minions breathe fire, the fire is not accompanied by smoke so the air has remained clean.

Until now.

To those worrying about mushroom clouds in the Mushroom Kingdom, there is no cause for concern. Mr. Koopa cares about his employees—at least the ones he doesn’t place near precipices, on towering treetops, or atop solid clouds despite their inability to stop and turn around at the edge—so the bombs he employs will remain non-nuclear.

One thing which will change is the amount of smoke allowed into the air. Plants which had been engineered to breathe fire will breathe smoke instead, causing some damage to the air but even more damage to Mr. Koopa’s plumber adversaries. These are people who get seriously injured by walking into a slow-moving turtle, even though they are wearing overalls which make it rather difficult for a turtle to bite and break the skin, so breathing in smoke a couple of times could be fatal for Mario and Luigi. Additionally, less eco-friendly airships would not only save Mr. Koopa money, but they would also help those ships achieve their primary purpose, which is destroying plumbers.

Mr. Koopa is undecided about dumping sludge into the water where plumbers might be swimming, since while that would certainly kill his enemies it is likely to kill his minions as well. But he is glad he has this option now that he’s pulled out of the climate agreement, the climate agreement which was terribly unfair because it gave his competition a fighting chance.

He is also unconcerned about potential rising water levels from pollution-induced increased temperatures, since that would increase his chances of killing plumbers via drowning.

Mario and Luigi could not be reached for comment, as they are busy rushing to save the Princess before these toxic deregulations have a chance to take effect.

 

 

Candy Crush Saga Classified as Schedule I Drug

The Internet – The popular puzzle game Candy Crush Saga is now considered by the DEA to be a Schedule I drug, on the same level as heroin and PCP, and its illegal status within the United States will take effect in a year or two or maybe five. Several top drug enforcement officials have some business to take care of, and when that’s finished the game is going to be banned forever, or at least until new levels are released.

While there is no question that the game is addictive, there is considerable doubt about whether it is a drug. But it is a drug. A drug is defined, according to vague memory of the official definition of the term, as something which is not food that enters the body and affects brain chemistry. Candy Crush Saga is, of course, not a food. Despite the pervasive presence of various candies, any attempt to eat the game will result in cracked teeth and cracked screens or worse, and it has zero nutritional value. But it does enter the body. It goes directly from screen to brain and stays there, changing the brain so visions of candy combinations remain even after eyes are closed, creating urges to go back to the game even when it was time to go to sleep a while ago.

So it is a drug, but skeptics might doubt that it belongs in Schedule I, where you’d find some of the most dangerous drugs in the world and marijuana. It belongs there, however, as will be proven by the paragraphs below.

The first criterion for inclusion in Schedule I is a high potential for abuse, which certainly applies to Candy Crush Saga. It’s called Candy Crack for a reason, although it might be more accurately compared to heroin due to the way it can gradually and insidiously become such an essential part of someone’s life that they find themselves spending more and more money just to get back to that moderate high of completing another level. No matter what established drug it is most analogous to, Candy Crush Saga can easily make someone start using it so often that they start sending requests to people they barely know, on a daily basis or even more frequently, just so they can keep playing. This is a far cry from the occasional diversion which a freemium game is allegedly supposed to be.

The second criterion is that it doesn’t have any acceptable medical use. Maybe it would be acceptable for Dr. Bornstein to prescribe Candy Crush Saga to Donald Trump in order to distract him from making dangerous statements and policies, but Mr. Trump likely lacks the attention span to play long enough to get addicted. It could be prescribed for boredom, but boredom is not a clinical condition except as a manifestation of depression, and persistent losing at Candy Crush Saga could make depression worse. Additionally, getting fired due to abusing the game could lead to more boredom, so no competent doctor should be expected to prescribe Candy Crush Saga as treatment for anything.

The third criterion is that there aren’t any safety standards for medical supervision while using the drug. Of course there aren’t any such standards, because there will be no medical supervision while using the drug called Candy Crush Saga. Any medical professional asked to provide such supervision is likely to shake his or her head and go elsewhere to tend to a patient in need of tending. And then the Candy Crush user will be free to use the drug unsafely, potentially causing eye and thumb and wrist damage as well as running the risk of forgetting about important biological necessities such as eating actual food, and there are also risks associated with sending impatient people incessant requests for more lives and access to subsequent episodes. Lots of danger from a dangerous drug.

Due to the immense danger associated with Candy Crush Saga, it will eventually be controlled as tightly as heroin. Just as soon as a few people in the DEA do the things they need to do.

 

 

Newspaper Vandalism Victims Come Forward

Newspaper, News, Paper, Media

Breaking News: This paper in the hands of a destructive paperboy. Because it’s news that breaks things.

The Internet – After decades of silence, residents of a two-block radius have come forward to talk about the abuse they suffered at the hands of a vindictive paperboy.

This paperboy, whose identity will remain as anonymous as that of the accusers, allegedly caused all sorts of havoc to the property of homeowners who didn’t subscribe to a certain periodical. These homeowners would find their trash cans knocked down on a regular basis, and sometimes their windows would be shattered by the impact of rolled-up pages. And this happened at least once a week for years, virtually every single Monday, with the damage sometimes persisting for seven days in a row.

At first, the victims thought maybe he didn’t mean any harm by it, maybe it was merely the result on a temporary loss of control, but after detailed observation it certainly wasn’t the case. The person tossing the papers had absolutely perfect aim. If there was a football league where instead of footballs they threw newspapers and the throwing motion was more like that of a Frisbee than a football and throws were never more than twenty yards, this guy would have been a star quarterback. The damaging throws were intentional, and they were malicious. The paperboy was bad news, and many of his victims wish they would have reported him years ago.

So why didn’t they?

One reason was they didn’t want to relive a traumatic portion of their lives. In addition to the paper attacks, they had to deal with constant sidewalk construction, neighborhood kids who would ride their tricycles in tiny rectangles, frequent hyperlocal tornadoes, and almost daily Grim Reaper sightings, and other terrors which made it difficult to leave the house. Many of these people sold their homes for whatever they could get and moved on, trying their best to put this trauma behind them.

 

Cartoon, Collection, Death, Evil, Gothic

Free image depiction of one reason why victims kept silent for years

Additionally, many residents were under the impression they would not be believed. As the burden of proof is on the accuser, they would have had to provide all sorts of details regarding the circumstances of the case, which would have had to include mentions of the aforementioned tornadoes and Grim Reaper. Going through the trouble of filing a formal complaint in order to move toward a trial, only to be called a liar and laughed at, didn’t seem remotely worth it. So no one came forward.

As if the previous reasons weren’t enough, potential plaintiffs were reluctant to make formal accusations because of the power wielded by this paperboy. Due to the dangers of the neighborhood, he was compensated quite well for his efforts and became very rich, and was also considered somewhat of a hero for occasionally making it through an entire week with at least one household on his route still subscribing to the paper. Additionally, according to one vandalism victim, “He had the best lawyers. You wouldn’t believe how good his lawyers were. They were amazing. We would have had no chance.”

So no one said anything, until recently.

Why, after all these years, are people making accusations now? The most plausible explanation is because of a recently leaked conversation in which this former paperboy bragged about smashing the windows of houses owned by people who wouldn’t buy this paper. As this now-grown-man is still somewhat of a cult hero, many people came to his defense, saying that it was simply press room talk, and he didn’t actually do such things. So about a dozen people responded to let the public know that yes, he actually did do such things, and it was horrible when it happened. And, according to one member of the class-action lawsuit, “There is no statute of limitations on the truth. Some things need to be talked about, if only to make sure nothing like it ever happens again.”

We will be following this totally real pending lawsuit with great interest.

 

 

Clinton Campaign Creates Ad Depicting Trump as Donkey Kong

 

Arcade Games, Video Games

The blue machine might have Donkey Kong, and Ms Pac-Man on the red one.

The Internet – In response to the Ms. Pac-Man ad released by the Trump campaign, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign’s digital team worked non-stop for hours and made an ad showing Donald Trump as the iconic villain Donkey Kong from the classic arcade game.

In this ad, a huge ape with Donald Trump’s head on its body stands at the top of a series of staircases, beating his chest, and throwing giant barrels down at anyone who tries to get to the top and achieve their dreams.

The first to try to come up is a hard-working Mexican-American family, one which is certainly not the worst Mexico has to offer, just a few decent people trying to make a living in their new country. But they don’t get to make a living because Donald Kong crushes them with a barrel. Then a Muslim-American family, at least as patriotic and sympathetic as the first one, also tries to climb the ladder and also gets seriously injured by the heavy wooden object. Then a Trump-supporting woman and her baby start going up the ladder, and the baby starts crying, and they also fall victim to the Trump Barrel. Finally, a bald eagle in a red-white-and-blue top hat attempts to move from the bottom to the top, followed almost immediately by a shriek and feathers flying everywhere, as Donald Kong continues to grin and beat his chest.

This is a long ad, but the Clinton campaign decided the investment was worth it in order to spread the message that Donald Trump would destroy America, this time using language language “the young people” would understand.

Before the ad’s release, the footage somehow got leaked to Donald Trump, who said he planned on using it to support his own campaign, as it showed him taking a strong stand against his enemies, “and so what if a bird got in the way one time. There are plenty of birds.”

At that point, there was much wringing of hands and cradling of heads within the Clinton campaign, and it is uncertain whether the ad will be released, but this ad was certainly made no matter what anyone in any of the campaigns tells you.

 

Small, Cartoonish, Non-Imaginary Monsters Invade World

Cut, Green, Monster

There are so many Pokemon that one of them probably looks something like this.

 

The Internet – People are advised to stay indoors, wearing body armor just in case, until proper Poke Balls can be manufactured, because Pokemon are real now, and lots of them are unhappy.

The duck is especially unhappy. Stay away from the duck. If you see it, walk away slowly, unless you see it on the verge of tears, which means run as fast as you can so maybe, just maybe, you will make it back home alive. It’s easy to pity the duck, as it is in a state of constant pain and its very existence might qualify as animal cruelty, but for your own safety you should leave your sympathy at home, and leave yourself at home too. Unless the duck is in your home, which means it is no longer your home.

Additionally, the little yellow one with the lightning bolt tail is not The Cheat. It will not make funny videos and it cannot be bribed with pizza. But it can send tiny lightning bolts with its tail, and it will do so if scared, and it is likely to be scared most of the time surrounded by gigantic alien-looking things such as humanity. The hospitals are full enough treating those attacked by the duck, so it is highly advised to stay away from these monsters and their electric jolts.

It is also important to know that some start off as tiny, harmless, cute mini-dinosaurs, and then evolve into giant terrifying killers. This sort of thing happens with many animals, but these Pokemon, which have gone from virtual to totally real thanks to the power of millions and millions of people being obsessed with them, can be more large and terrifying than most, with the terror enhanced by their magical powers.

If these Pokemon existed in small numbers, then it might have been possible to keep them in relatively safe environments where they could slowly learn to trust humanity and ultimately become allies, as was the case in fictional stories involving these monsters. But there are millions, and it appears they have to be captured with actual, not-imaginary-things-on-your-phone, Poke Balls, or they will overrun everything. Don’t say we didn’t warn you that this might happen from playing the game so much. We didn’t warn you, but saying so is counterproductive.

This is not a game. If it were a game, you would be automatically equipped to defend yourself. But you’re not. And don’t even think of trying to shoot them – if they sense that you have any sort of firearm they will sense you are not fighting according to the rules and then they will break the rules as well, which will be about as safe for you as two hours of off-tune karaoke with the duck.

There may be no happy ending for this invasion which you have all brought upon yourselves. But on the bright side, the need to unite against this pocket monster menace should put an end to most of the hostility by humans against other humans.

It might not, but it should.

Next Ninja Turtles Movie to Feature Older Turtles

Amphibian, Animal, Cartoon, Reptile

 

The Internet – Totally reliable sources have confirmed that in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, the turtles will not be teenagers.

The increased age of the totally tubular titular characters may come as a surprise, as they are often known for their cartoon depictions, and cartoon characters tend to stay the same age forever. The “teenage” part of the title also suggests they will never grow up, but that suggestion is incorrect. Perhaps they can spend their animated lives in perpetual adolescence, but in the movies, they are no cartoons. So they’re growing up.

The new movie, American Turtle Warriors, will follow the protagonists as they battle Shredder and Krang and other common antagonists, but also their journeys as they deal with the challenges associated with the transition into full-grown adulthood. All of this is rather serious in nature, so to balance all the seriousness the movie will feature a parody of Taylor Swift’s Blank Space from the point of view of MichaelAngelo as he tries to move out of the sewers and into his own place.

TotesRealNews has obtained the lyrics, which have never been seen until now by anyone besides the person who wrote those lyrics, and now the song will be leaked in its entirety.
Wining, dining, candlelight
Pepperoni goes well with all drinks
She said she would spend the night
Took her home and she’s like
“Oh-em-gee Mike what the heck
This smells like a dead skunk’s neck
Gotta go, because blech”

New, sunny, super-clean
Are some things that my abode is not
At least when the roof has leaks
I don’t notice – it’s wet a lot
And hey, there’s no rent
It’s quite a good deal for no dough spent
Here with four of my best friends
After the mutation this is my element

When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
And I got a dank place, maybe
I need a change

No broker, I’m too broke
Turns out Jimmy MacMillan was right
Two K monthly is no joke
Since I need money I will fight
When I’m in the mood
I will toss cheesy food
Ring name will be party dude, oh yeah

Pinning, winning, shell shock slam
Quickly break them like bagels, warmed
Post wins on Instagram
Got them reminiscing like
“Love love love, loved that fight
Almost close one, but not quite”
Now the champ belt is in my sight
I’ll hope I won’t forget to send my friends invites

My kick combo can be nasty
Helps me stand tall though I’m not big
For the belt I’ll face a tag team
It’s a rhino and a pig
As foes they are quite familiar
They’re slow, this should be fun
They are strong but I’m much quicker
Now who gave them guns?

What the heck is this madness?
I have to quit and flee
My conscience can’t stand this
High risk of casualties
Maybe I’ll give up the money
But really it’s okay
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

Guns never should be where it’s crowded
I’m sure of this and this is why I shout it
Guns never should be where it’s crowded
There is no doubt, yeah, there’s no doubt about it
When it comes to prep for Shredder
Life in sewers is pretty nice
Sure, my love life could be better
Heroics come with a price
Fought a long list of opponents
They all blew up or died
People tell me I’m a cheeseball
I do love the pie

Since I’m young and I am jobless
I’ll stay here without shame
Even though I’m sockless
And rats are far from tame
Maybe I’m a bit cold-blooded
My heart still beats the same
It’s a struggle dank place dating
But I’ll find a way

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Hero Saves Family, World, by Rearranging Candy

Chocolate, Candy, Sweet, Delicious

The Internet – Office worker Steven Paulson, 36, started the day trying to be a decent father, and ended it as one of the greatest heroes of the 21st Century.

Mr. Paulson took a personal day on Wednesday to spend more time with his wife and twin three-year-old daughters, and the whole family made a point to leave their phones at home. The lack of phones made it impossible to call for help when five henchmen working for the previously unknown Professor Pocalypse interrupted the Paulsons’ walk in the park by abducting the Paulson family and then taking them to a secret underground lair.

Once in the lair, the Paulsons met with Professor Pocalypse, who told them he believed the people of the world were too stupid to continue living, and unless they could solve ten rooms’ worth of puzzles then humanity’s stupidity would be confirmed and Pocalypse would unleash the nuclear weapons which he’d somehow gotten his hands on. But if the Paulsons solved the puzzles, then Pocalypse would sell the weapons to Denmark for a few tins of cookies.

Steven Paulson volunteered to be the puzzle-solver, because he’d been preparing for this sort of thing for years. He’d most likely cost himself promotions at work by performing just well enough to keep the job, and spending the extra time at the office playing the game which inspired Professor Pocalypse’s puzzles. He’d even been on thin ice in his marriage from it, spending hundreds of dollars for extra moves and power-ups so he could get through hundreds upon hundreds of levels, sometimes even blowing off helping older daughter Madison – who was in school at the time of the kidnapping – with her homework, claiming he was on a roll and couldn’t afford to lose his concentration. The same concentration which ultimately saved the world yesterday morning.

Mr. Paulson got through the first puzzle room easily, switching positions of adjacent candies to make sets of three in a row, and the henchpeople would replace the candies and give Steven a Popsicle stick, and after ten sticks he could move on. The next room was more difficult, requiring Steven to rearrange the candies in order to move a couple of gigantic walnuts – made in the same factory as the oversize candies – from one side of the room to the other. The following rooms provided greater challenges, including massive chocolate squares and even bigger cakes which Mr. Paulson could not touch or attempt to eat without getting hit by a henchperson, but thanks to the countless hours spent practicing he was able to get through all the rooms before Professor Pocalypse decided it was time to blow up the world.

His faith in humanity somewhat restored, Professor Pocalypse sold his weapons to Denmark, which mailed the cookies right after dismantling the bombs, and then he turned himself in to authorities. All because the heroic Steven Paulson spent countless hours playing a game which prepared him for this situation, even though everyone he knew told him there was no point of playing it so much.

He totally proved them wrong.

 

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

Mario Mario Wins Landmark Lawsuit

Plunger, Toilet, Plumber

The Internet – Legendary plumber and adventurer Mario “Super Mario” Mario has emerged triumphant once again, this time in a lengthy legal battle with his insurance company.

Doctor Doctor, spokesman for the Nintendoc Medical Group, testified that his organization can no longer afford to provide insurance for someone so reckless as Mr. Mario. “For years, decades even, this man has been putting himself in mortal danger on a daily basis. He frequently puts himself at risk for severe burns, bullet wounds, broken bones from lengthy falls, puncture injuries from colliding with spikes, drowning, and whatever it is about walking into turtles and mushroom things that hurts him so much. Not to mention all the hand and wrist injuries from punching bricks all the time.”

“Because of this,” Doctor added, “Mr. Mario needs frequent medical treatments, often with illegal drugs which carry extra costs due to being, you know, illegal. He also dies on a regular basis and expects us to resurrect him for a copay of a hundred gold coins. Do you know how much it costs to resurrect someone? A heck of a lot more than a hundred gold coins, I can tell you that much.”

“Besides,” Doctor concluded, “We’ve all seen Mr. Mario in a lab coat with a seemingly infinite supply of medicine which he throws into a bottle which must be at least fifty feet tall. So how come he needs us to medicate him instead of giving those pills to himself?”

When asked for a rebuttal to Doctor Doctor’s statement, the plaintiff said, “It’s a-me, Mario. I have a pre-existing condition. It’s a-called being a hero. I must-a save-a the Princess.”

The court ruled in favor of Mr. Mario, citing the illegality of denying coverage due to pre-existing conditions according to the Affordable Care Act.

Due to this landmark case, other luminaries such as Link, the Ninja Turtles, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Prince of Persia, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, and those crazy marbles can all rest assured that they will be able to continue their adventures without fear of losing their insurance coverage.