A Serious Suggestion to Remedy the Environmental Problem

It is well-known that overpopulation is largely responsible for the growing carbon footprint worldwide. The more people who are walking around breathing and driving and otherwise releasing carbon into the environment, the more carbon will be in the environment in the form of greenhouse gases, which in turn traps heat and makes the Earth warmer than it should be and causes all sorts of problems.

Problems are bad.

But problems can be fixed. Long ago, a wise man devised a solution to this sort of problem, but it was a flawed solution. Eating babies, like environmental problems, is bad. Yes, getting rid of babies would decrease humanity’s carbon footprint, but murdering a bunch of innocent youngsters is not only an unthinkable atrocity, but considering how the human race tends to get carried away with its atrocities, this course of action might end up decreasing the human population more than intended. Especially if various groups of humans start fighting with each other about which group’s babies should be eaten.

Of course, the answer is that no babies should be eaten. Instead, the gassiest adults should be thrown into a volcano.

Why the gassiest adults? Because they are the ones damaging the environment without even creating jobs and helping the economy. Maybe they create some jobs for antacid companies, but not enough. Into the volcano they go.

When throwing gassy adults into the volcano, it is important to get them into a volcano as fast as possible. If you have to drive them in a race car which leaves clouds of smoke as it zooms by the less gassy designated survivors, it is important to do so. If you have to fly them to a volcano in a four-passenger aircraft, this too is worth the pollution in order to get these methane-producing humans out of the environment and into a volcano.

If someone is thrown into a volcano without a trial, is that murder? Technically, yes it is. Is the amount of global warming avoided by murdering the burp-prone worth the stain on our collective conscience? One might argue it is not, but this is the only thing we can do to save the environment so it must be done.

We can’t listen to Greta Thunberg and regulate businesses to minimize the amount of damage they do to the environment. Doing so is bad for businesses, according to these businesses, and therefore it is out of the question.

We can’t try to decrease our personal carbon footprints by eating less meat. What are we going to eat instead, kale and spinach? Do you know how much gas eating those causes? Unless you want half the human race to be thrown into a volcano, a mixed diet which skews toward a vegetarian one is not a suggestion which would be made by a serious person.

Neither is trying to spend more time walking and taking public transportation. Doing so would take money out of the pockets of those involved with gas stations and the oil industry in general. And walking too much is un-American. It spits on the memories of the Wright Brothers and Henry Ford.

The only serious suggestion which can be made on this topic is throwing adult humans who burp and fart too much into a volcano.

Trump Suggests Fighting Hurricane With Honey Badgers

In an early morning meeting about the threat posed to Florida by Hurricane Dorian, President Trump made some unconventional suggestions, including importing a horde of honey badgers to fight the hurricane.

The president, who reportedly spent some of last night watching YouTube videos on his phone, touted the impressive fighting abilities of the honey badger, claiming that while most animals would be frightened of hundred mile an hour winds, the honey badgers wouldn’t care. They would just keep slapping and slapping until the storm gave up and sulked off to Mexico, which is “what Mexico deserves for not paying for the wall.”

Trump also insisted that they only get male honey badgers, since he heard that honey badgers are very nasty and he doesn’t like nasty women.

The others at the meeting told the president they would “look into it,” but when Trump demanded immediate action they had to tell him that they would not be getting honey badgers. First of all, by the time they could fly halfway around the world and pay expert wildlife trappers to capture the honey badgers and then take another long flight to Florida, the storm would have moved on. Or it would be too windy for the plane to land. And no plane would allow honey badgers on it.

But even if they got the honey badgers, the ferocious mammals would not attack the storm. But the honey badgers probably would attack a bunch of chickens and maybe some cattle, and at least one Florida Man would try to fight a honey badger with disastrous results.

Undeterred, Mr. Trump inquired about Kirby, wondering if the video game character was based on a real creature which the Deep State kept hidden all these years. If so, Kirby could suck in the storm, and then Kirby’s hurricane power could be unleashed upon China unless China agreed to favorable trade deals. Trump’s staffers said they’d look into it, and then they said no.

Finally, Mr. Trump suggested using Magic Missile to “attack the wetness.” He clarified that this was a magic missile, and not a nuclear missile like Fake News Axios keeps accusing him of wanting to use on a hurricane, so it would only stop the rain and not kill people. As everyone else at the meeting was lost for words, the president said he was only joking and he was going back to his room to go on Twitter, where his fans appreciate his sense of humor.

If asked about this, Trump will likely say it’s all fake news and he never said anything about attacking hurricanes with honey badgers or magic missiles or video game characters, but who are you going to believe: a non-accredited website which tags almost every post as “satire” and uses meme images to accompany articles, or the President of the United States of America?

Tough call, isn’t it?

Marie Kondo Seeks Machine to Reorganize Weather

 

 

After achieving worldwide fame helping people be happier inside their houses, organization expert Marie Kondo wants to help people be happier outside their houses as well by remedying uncomfortable weather-related situations throughout the world.

After hearing about the storms and brutally cold weather affecting the United States, which is the source of much of her audience for her Netflix series, Ms. Kondo knew she had to do something to help her fans and hate-watchers. Speaking through a translator, she asked “Does this frigid weather spark joy?”

The answer, of course, is no. With wind chills under zero degrees Fahrenheit, the weather hasn’t been conducive to sparking cigarette lighters, let alone joy. And since she knew the answer before she asked the question, Ms. Kondo told reporters that since this cold weather didn’t spark joy it has to be thrown out. Anything under thirty degrees Fahrenheit, this number being arrived upon because it is cold enough for snow but warm enough for wanting to be outside in the snow, would have to be thrown out.

This proved baffling for most reporters, so much so that they pretended the exchange didn’t even happen. Only Glue News stuck with the story, pressing on to see exactly what she meant. She couldn’t have meant literally throwing out the cold like a tchotchke which has lost all sentimental value, since this will have no effect on the temperature but may eventually lead to the hospital needing to throw away part of your finger. Frostbite does not spark joy.

Her actual plan involves weather machines. Take warm air from areas with far too much of it and bring the warmth to cold areas. Maybe blast a bunch of artificial sun into regions affected by the cold snap until it’s not so cold any more. This is a difficult plan to carry out, since any scientists with the potential ability to build such a machine are imaginary or imprisoned or would never make such a thing because of the potential devastating effects on the planet and also because that’s not really how weather works.

But difficult is not impossible, as has been proven by some of the most challenging decluttering jobs. And maybe this is impossible. But even if it is, is that any reason to give up?

Perhaps it is, if you’re a boring, sensible person who is grounded firmly in reality. But where’s the joy in that?

 

 

Americans Not Overwhelmed by Recent News

Over the past few days, the reports in the mainstream news media have been a bit on the intense side, and citizens of other countries might have been unable to deal with all the madness, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

No panic here whatsoever.

If confronted with the headlines on the homepage of CNN, people from other countries might take to the streets and start screaming at the top of their lungs that the apocalypse is obviously coming and they don’t want that to happen and then there would be a report of a massive drop in productivity due to running in the streets and screaming and that report would be buried at the bottom of the page under the rest of the madness and no one would even read it because they would be too busy screaming, but not Americans.

Americans are fine.

First Trump wanted to arm teachers, then he wanted to take away a bunch of guns but probably not from the teachers, and now he might have softened his stance on guns but wants to fight pretty much everyone on the trade front by enacting tariffs like it’s 1850, and this is okay with Americans. It’s just Trump being Trump. People were tired of politics as usual, and this is the opposite of that, so it’s fine.

Putin has a bomb now, too, apparently, and a more dangerous one than most bombs. This is according to actual reliable sources which can even be quoted and cited. But that’s fine. Americans are fine with that. It’s only a bomb, and these days it seems like everyone has a bomb. Israel has bombs. The United States has bombs. North Korea has bombs, and Americans are maybe a little less fine with that but still not panicking. Even the weather has bombs and it just set one off, which is also fine.

This bomb is the bomb cyclone, which is not pleasant, but Americans remain even-keeled. After a couple of months of unseasonable warmth, this is a small price to pay and everyone knows it so there are no complaints on this front.

None whatsoever.

Americans are fine.

There was also another school shooting this morning, and the Onion will probably trot out the same article it always does if it hasn’t already and no one will read it because they just saw the same article a couple of weeks ago, and except for the people who were directly affected by it Americans will hardly even think about it after the initial outrage, if they even have energy left for outrage after Parkland and the ensuing non-response by Congress.

Maybe Americans aren’t exactly fine, but they will manage. They will seem fine.

Americans will continue to seem fine until another reality-TV celebrity who is not also a politician makes a questionable decision, most likely fashion-related.

Americans can’t handle that. They literally can’t even. But otherwise, Americans are fine.

Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

Soros Admits To Causing Snowstorm

The Internet – The east coast of the United States of America got hit with a brutal snowstorm Thursday morning, and George Soros has apparently taken responsibility for the inclement weather.

In a semi-public statement only available to the most dedicated conspiracy theorists, Soros admitted he initially used his weather machine in the hopes Republicans in Congress might think the storm was punishment for their votes confirming highly unqualified and/or potentially dangerous Cabinet picks, but after the storm was already set in motion he realized the foolishness this logic. Congressional Republicans firmly believe God is a staunch conservative, so if anything they’d think the storm was punishment for the Democrats trying to reject those picks. So there was no other choice than to take responsibility for the storm.

Soros also addressed those who might doubt his possession of a weather machine, saying “of course I have a weather device. Just because I am fighting against Republican values rather than for personal gain, does that make me not a supervillain? I also have a shrink ray and sharks with laser beams on their heads, as is required for great villainy, but those would only be used in especially dire situations, such as the Department of Education being legislated out of existence.”

Soros’ statement, which you would be able to see in its entirety if you were more dedicated to the art of truth-seeking, also included a statement of intent to keep using the weather machine in the future. “There is no evidence of an angry God causing the storm,” he wrote, “but plenty of evidence it has been caused by an angry George Soros. And I am angry, and will likely continue to be angry as long as the so-called president continues his foolish foreign and domestic policies. And as long as I am angry, more artificial storms are possible, causing massive inconvenience for many businesses. And no authorities can prevent this without a change in policy. What are they going to do, arrest me? Changing the weather is not illegal, is it? It certainly won’t be if Scott Pruitt is put in charge of the EPA.”

So there you have it. George Soros is totally to blame for this morning’s storm, which is sure to upset a lot of people. However, one Twitter user and fellow supervillain was not upset, as shown by this supportive tweet: