Trump Campaign Hit By Truth Explosion

Bomb, Explosive, Detonation, Fuze, Fuse

The truth bomb looks like this, except it’s metaphorical. This makes as much sense as the 2016 campaign.

The Internet – On the day before what many people are saying is among the most important elections in American history, a massive truth bomb has struck the Trump campaign, not actually touching Donald Trump but scattering throughout the country, allowing millions of people to gain a sufficient understanding of the issues that their understanding approximates actual reality.

Thanks to this truth bomb, the vast majority of Americans now understand how much Hillary Clinton’s emails were blown out of proportion. While it is true that she may have demonstrated less than perfect security protocol by keeping them on a private server, now the people realize that multiple previous high-level government officials did the same thing, often deleting larger quantities of emails, and all of those people are not in prison. Additionally, this truth bomb has led people to understand that while these emails may have shown morally shady strategies by Democratic operatives, being shady is basically part of the job description and if Republican emails were hacked then the information found would likely be at least as bad. People know all this now, thanks to the truth bomb.

People are also coming to realize, thanks to this explosion of truth, that Bill Clinton is not running for president. Therefore, even if Bill Clinton’s indiscretions and predatory tendencies were as bad as or worse than what Trump has admitted to, it wouldn’t matter because Donald Trump is running for president and Bill Clinton is not. On a related note, they realize that what Donald Trump admitted to doing is not okay, even if they “let him do it”, as acquiescence does not equal consent. The people now understand that the women who Donald Trump thrust himself upon most likely allowed him to do so because they knew they could not with a physical struggle and/or they were afraid of how he might hurt them and their families if they refused, not because they welcomed his advances.

The people, thanks to this truth explosion, now have a better understanding of the Benghazi incident and why it should not have an impact on voting decisions. They know that the Secretary of State does not control the purse strings of the United States, and they know it was ultimately up to Congress to provide the increased security which might have saved the four diplomats’ lives. As this is an extraordinarily detailed truth bomb, the people also understand that it is sometimes important not to accuse organized terrorist groups of involvement in atrocities without definitive proof of their involvement because of the potential political consequences of doing so.

Additionally, the truth bomb spread the knowledge that Hillary Clinton’s pro-choice stance is not part of a conspiracy to murder babies for the sole purpose of enriching Planned Parenthood. Now people understand that adoption can be a difficult process, so for many unplanned pregnancies the only options once the baby is born are to try to raise it alone without being financially and/or emotionally prepared to do so, or to send the child into a notoriously unreliable foster care system. People also understand that while an unborn child is technically alive before a heartbeat can be detected, for much of the pregnancy it is less self-aware than many, many living things which society has no qualms about killing for the sake of convenience for humanity. They also understand that the idea Hillary Clinton would support a late-term abortion when both mother and child can reasonably be saved is based on dishonest hysteria rather than actual facts.

The truth bomb also led the vast majority to understand that the US government should not be run exactly like a business, which makes Donald Trump’s experience less relevant, and they also realize his business experience can be described as “bad experience.” They realize that maybe the countless people accusing Trump’s companies of refusing to pay them aren’t all lying. They also realize that losing enough money on business ventures to not pay any federal taxes for decades is not a sign of a “smart businessman” but of a terrible one with great accountants.

The people also finally understand that while Hillary Clinton may represent the status quo in Washington D.C., and the status quo is far from perfect, electing a morally bankrupt aspiring dictator is not a favorable alternative. They understand that if an NBA team loses most of their basketball games, replacing the team with a bunch of out-of-shape AARP members might decrease the amount of missed shots and offensive rebounds allowed, but the team will be even less competitive than they had been beforehand. And thanks to this truth bomb, and its inclusion of this basketball analogy which everyone understands, the vast majority of people realize that despite all the talk of making America great again, a Trump presidency is actually likely to make America significantly less great.

This truth bomb has finally gotten through to the vast majority of American people when all previous attempts to appeal to logic and reason have failed, and the people will totally vote accordingly on November 8th.

Presidential Endorsement: Vermin Supreme

Boots, Art, Nature, Pictures, Modern Art

Giant boots, where Vermin Supreme probably lives

The Internet – TotesRealNews has decided on a preferred candidate for the upcoming election, and that candidate is Vermin Supreme.

The reasons for this endorsement are numerous, meaning numbering more than one. The first reason is Mr. Supreme may be the only candidate from Earth, and the Constitution strongly implies, and perhaps even directly states, that an American President must be from Earth. Donald Trump is clearly from Mars, Bernie Sanders appears to be from Socialist Prime, Gary Johnson is from Notaxistan, which is a planet and not a Former Soviet Republic, and Hillary Clinton is from all over the place. But Vermin Supreme is from Earth, since as many TV shows have made clear the truly strangest individuals are always from Earth – the ones from other planets are merely very, very foreign.

Vermin Supreme is not only from Earth, but also American, which is another important qualification for a president. Naming oneself “Vermin” is the sort of thing which would be done either by an American or a British person, and due to Mr. Supreme’s platform emphasizing dental hygiene, it is quite difficult to believe he could possibly be British.

Mr. Supreme’s qualifications for the presidency extend well beyond the probability that he is a natural-born American citizen. Another strong selling point is his promise of ponies for everyone. Who doesn’t want a pony? If you really think about it, the answer is lots of people. Ponies take up space many people don’t have, and they are a lot of trouble to feed and clean and clean up after. And they don’t even move very quickly. So if you only give ponies to those who still want one even after knowing what they’d be getting into, this is a far more affordable plan than what the other candidates have been proposing. It is easily affordable enough to look past the total lack of clear economic benefits associated with this plan.

Finally, a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote for improved national security. America has faced numerous threats over the past few decades, with these threats often being supported by widespread international fear of the United States of America. But if the USA was led by someone who looks like the Hogwarts Professor of Making Sure Not to Look Like a Muggle, and also looks like he can’t do any actual magic, then America’s enemies would see little reason to be afraid of the United States, and therefore there would be far fewer attacks.

No matter what party nominates him, or even if he isn’t nominated at all, if you respect the journalistic opinions of TotesRealNews then you should vote for Vermin Supreme in November.



*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.