Dozens Dead from Scientific Illiteracy at Anti-Vax Party

Syringe, Disposable Syringe, Needle

Some people can’t bear the idea of children getting vaccinated


The Internet – Forty-two people attended a gathering celebrating the Trump Administration’s willingness to question the validity of vaccines, and thirty-nine of them are now dead. The official cause of death in every instance was methyl alcohol poisoning, although failure to understand science was also very much to blame.

The disease prevention opponents, who are vehemently opposed to the inclusion of thimerosal in vaccines because they are apparently unaware of the difference between ethylmercury and methylmercury, decided to throw a house party in honor of the new government’s acceptance of pseudoscience, but they ran into budgetary issues. While many vaccine opponents are quite wealthy, others aren’t, and this unfortunate group fell into the latter category, so buying common alcoholic beverages was prohibitively expensive.

What is not expensive, however, is a gallon of methanol when it is available on Amazon for eight dollars. And, much like they were unaware that ethylmercury is expelled from the human body fairly quickly while methylmercury is not and tends to cause dangerous toxicity through accumulation, most party attendees were unaware of the difference between ethanol and methanol. If all mercury is the same, then through the same logic all alcohol is the same. However, as the three non-drinking survivors soon found out first-hand, a few ounces of ethanol makes you drunk, while a few ounces of methanol makes you dead.

If this story is to be believed, which it should be because it is on the internet, what happened at that party was terribly tragic since those thirty-nine methanol drinkers are just as dead as the hundreds of millions of people who died from smallpox in the 20th century, people who died because vaccines hadn’t wiped out the disease yet.


USA Swimmers Robbed At Funpoint

Beer Mug, Beverage, Foam, Liquor

The Internet – Despite reports to the contrary by Brazilian officials, Ryan Lochte and three other members of the USA Olympic Swim Team were robbed earlier this week. They were robbed of their sobriety, their dignity, and their ability to act like rational human beings. And this robbery, like many other similar incidents, took place at funpoint.

In this particular case, Fun, which is not the band but the totally real anthropomorphic personification of having a good time, pointed at the four swimmers and gave them a short speech. “If you want me,” it said. “If you want to have fun, I will tell you what you need to do. You need to drink alcohol, and then you need to drink more alcohol. If you think you’ve had enough to drink, you haven’t. Take more shots. If you can understand yourself thinking at all, then you’re not having enough fun and you need to drink more. After all, you are racers, are you not? You enter races, and you win races, which means you go all out or you don’t bother at all. And this is a time to celebrate, so go all out. It will be fun.”

It might be easy to place the blame on the swimmers, to say funpoint is no excuse to give in to such temptation, but it is easy to place blame from afar. However, almost nobody in the world could have been in their position and resisted the urge to get dangerously drunk. Maybe Michael Phelps, but not everyone can be superhuman. Most humans can’t even earn a spot on a successful USA ¬†Olympic Swim Team, let alone get on the team and celebrate responsibly. So the blame should be placed upon Fun, and not the swimmers.

Brazilian authorities have refused to try to arrest Fun, citing doubts about the existence of such a physical being, and also claiming that while you can stop Fun temporarily, when you do so it disappears, so you might as well try to arrest a virus. And if a virus could be arrested, zika and countless others would have been jailed long ago.

However, viruses and anthropomorphic personifications cannot be arrested, so people will be robbed at funpoint every day. And the only thing authorities will do about it is blame the victims.