Trump Claims He Could Have Stopped Black Plague

The Internet – Continuing to display an inquisitive spirit regarding historical events, Donald Trump recently wondered out loud about the causes of the Bubonic Plague. As part of this verbalized thinking, he suggested that he could have prevented it through his strong, persuasive leadership style if he only was around back then.

While some might argue that the spread of the plague was virtually inevitable, as the disease is believed to have moved from Mongol warriors to Italian merchants who didn’t even know they were carrying plague-infested rats on their ships until after they had returned to Italy, this did not stop Mr. Trump from wondering why nobody stopped the plague.

When asked how he would have stopped the plague, Trump insisted he would have done so through strong borders. The Italian merchants were refugees from a war zone, and refugees would not have been allowed back in Europe under his watch in case those ships were harboring Mongolian soldiers or plague-infested rodents. Even extreme vetting of those refugees would have been too risky, so the ships would have been sent back before they could do any damage. And the ship captains would have listened and returned before hurting Europeans in Europe. Maybe they would have brought more plague to Crimea, but that’s not Western Europe so it doesn’t count.

In the same interview, Trump told a befuddled journalist how he would have stopped the war between Mongolians and Europeans before the war even reached Europe. “Their leaders must have been so weak,” Trump said. “If I were in charge then, which of course I would have been if I was around at the time, I would not have stood for the sort of aggression. I would have taken Genghis Khan or whoever to Scotland, checking him for fleas first of course, and had a nice chat on the golf course about war and why we didn’t need to have it, and anyway look at Alexander the Great and everyone else who tried to get involved in too many places, it didn’t end well for them, right? And anyway he would have learned this very important lesson which it is very clear what it is and then he would have kept his soldiers and their plague disease far away from Europe.”

Mr. Trump also insisted that if he were in charge, he would have had a better health care system in place which would have cured the plague before it killed all those people. He said he would have virtually eliminated taxes, therefore allowing business owners to become fabulously wealthy and then they would use some of that extra money to meet society’s needs and build high-quality hospitals instead of “using leeches or whatever.” And because of the low taxes, there would be “so many jobs,” so everyone would be able to afford to go to the hospital, or at least “take out a loan that they’d pay later, or maybe their family would pay if they died.”

At that point, the journalist vomited repeatedly and then  she called security to escort the president out of the room before her head exploded.