In a surprising turn of events, Denmark has reversed their decision to not sell Greenland to anyone under any circumstances, and will now sell it to the winner of a competition based on the Ninja Warrior franchise. This is based on a source which is about as reliable as wherever Donald Trump gets his information, so heck yes it is true!
In this true thing that will happen, interested heads of government will gather in Copenhagen to compete on a course modeled after those found on Ninja Warrior courses, but much easier so you don’t need to be an elite athlete to finish the course.
It will start with competitors crossing a series of circular wooden boards elevated in the water, each five feet in diameter and about five feet apart from each other. Then contestants will zipline to a landing pad and then jump another five feet to the next obstacle, which is a balance beam. Just a regular balance beam. The world leaders who get through that will put on velcro gloves and use those to make their way across a velcro wall. Then they’ll need to cross twenty feet of water on monkey bars. And anyone who does this will have to run/walk/crawl up a 30 degree ramp to hit a buzzer. Whoever makes it the farthest the fastest will have the right to buy Greenland.
This is not especially good news for Donald Trump. The competition will only run if there are at least ten contestants, and if Trump tries at all he will probably come in last. Certainly not first. Even if no young and athletic heads of state from countries Trump called “sh*tholes” show up, Trudeau will still embarrass him almost as badly as he did while greeting Melania at the G7 Summit.
But there is hope yet. Trump could convince Pence to resign, appoint an older Ninja Warrior athlete like David Campbell as vice president, and then resign on the day of the competition. Because sometimes, sacrifices have to be made for the sake of getting a huge chunk of ice with a few people on it and some mineral wealth.
Then the athletic new president would appoint an actual politician as vice president, win the competition, and then resign. Heck Yes News does not know the political leanings of various ninja athletes, but they tend to be very hard-working and compassionate people, so any one of them would probably choose someone better than we have now.
They will probably also decline to buy Greenland, instead entrusting their successor to enter into reasonable agreements for mining rights, but shh. A certain stable genius does not need to know that.