Newspaper Vandalism Victims Come Forward

Newspaper, News, Paper, Media

Breaking News: This paper in the hands of a destructive paperboy. Because it’s news that breaks things.

The Internet – After decades of silence, residents of a two-block radius have come forward to talk about the abuse they suffered at the hands of a vindictive paperboy.

This paperboy, whose identity will remain as anonymous as that of the accusers, allegedly caused all sorts of havoc to the property of homeowners who didn’t subscribe to a certain periodical. These homeowners would find their trash cans knocked down on a regular basis, and sometimes their windows would be shattered by the impact of rolled-up pages. And this happened at least once a week for years, virtually every single Monday, with the damage sometimes persisting for seven days in a row.

At first, the victims thought maybe he didn’t mean any harm by it, maybe it was merely the result on a temporary loss of control, but after detailed observation it certainly wasn’t the case. The person tossing the papers had absolutely perfect aim. If there was a football league where instead of footballs they threw newspapers and the throwing motion was more like that of a Frisbee than a football and throws were never more than twenty yards, this guy would have been a star quarterback. The damaging throws were intentional, and they were malicious. The paperboy was bad news, and many of his victims wish they would have reported him years ago.

So why didn’t they?

One reason was they didn’t want to relive a traumatic portion of their lives. In addition to the paper attacks, they had to deal with constant sidewalk construction, neighborhood kids who would ride their tricycles in tiny rectangles, frequent hyperlocal tornadoes, and almost daily Grim Reaper sightings, and other terrors which made it difficult to leave the house. Many of these people sold their homes for whatever they could get and moved on, trying their best to put this trauma behind them.


Cartoon, Collection, Death, Evil, Gothic

Free image depiction of one reason why victims kept silent for years

Additionally, many residents were under the impression they would not be believed. As the burden of proof is on the accuser, they would have had to provide all sorts of details regarding the circumstances of the case, which would have had to include mentions of the aforementioned tornadoes and Grim Reaper. Going through the trouble of filing a formal complaint in order to move toward a trial, only to be called a liar and laughed at, didn’t seem remotely worth it. So no one came forward.

As if the previous reasons weren’t enough, potential plaintiffs were reluctant to make formal accusations because of the power wielded by this paperboy. Due to the dangers of the neighborhood, he was compensated quite well for his efforts and became very rich, and was also considered somewhat of a hero for occasionally making it through an entire week with at least one household on his route still subscribing to the paper. Additionally, according to one vandalism victim, “He had the best lawyers. You wouldn’t believe how good his lawyers were. They were amazing. We would have had no chance.”

So no one said anything, until recently.

Why, after all these years, are people making accusations now? The most plausible explanation is because of a recently leaked conversation in which this former paperboy bragged about smashing the windows of houses owned by people who wouldn’t buy this paper. As this now-grown-man is still somewhat of a cult hero, many people came to his defense, saying that it was simply press room talk, and he didn’t actually do such things. So about a dozen people responded to let the public know that yes, he actually did do such things, and it was horrible when it happened. And, according to one member of the class-action lawsuit, “There is no statute of limitations on the truth. Some things need to be talked about, if only to make sure nothing like it ever happens again.”

We will be following this totally real pending lawsuit with great interest.