Stock Market Tumbles From Clinton-Based Fears

It has been a rough morning on Wall Street today, with the Dow Jones Average dropping over 500 points as of 11:30 Eastern Time, a decrease of over 2%. This is a big deal.

Serious financial analysts are likely to speculate on the cause of this downturn, with such theories as Trump’s economic strategy being unsustainable or that people don’t want to go out and spend money because they are afraid of getting murdered by a stranger, but those theories are wrong. The real reason is that investors are afraid of what Hillary Clinton might do.

Why are investors terrified of Hillary Clinton? Many of them support the president, so they believe him when he retweets theories that Hillary Clinton and possibly Bill were responsible for the death of Jeffrey Epstein. And if Hillary Clinton can murder a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal prison, a place where she would not be expected to have significant connections, then there may be no limit to what she would be able to do. And this terrifies investors.

What if she has voodoo powers? What if when she was thought to be wandering around in the woods, she was really meeting with the world’s foremost voodoo priestesses in order to learn how to protect herself from potential prosecution now that she wouldn’t have presidential immunity like Trump does? And what if the way to protect herself is to get rid of the billionaires who know things, many of whom are big parts of Fortune 500 companies? There is no significant factual basis to any of this, but many investors support Trump so they believe this theory.

As of today, Hillary Clinton has not taken a printed image of Steven Ross, placed it in between the spokes of a stationary bike, and started biking, thus causing the SoulCycle owner to disintegrate and sending the company into an irreversible tailspin. She hasn’t used millions of dollars, which according to this theory was embezzled from the Clinton Foundation, in order to send several dummy-driven stock cars crashing into each other, a scene which would be repeated at a NASCAR race where the CEO is sitting right by the wall until two cars crash through the wall, catch fire, and hit him. She also hasn’t done many other things to kill billionaires which are impossible in any logic-grounded reality but quite possible in Conspiracy World. And despite not doing any of these things or showing any propensity toward such monstrosities, investors are scared.

And they are selling.

The Dow Jones is now down 659.58 points as of 12:10 PM Eastern Time. All, of course, due to fear of the Clintons.

But maybe we shouldn’t blame it on the Clintons. It would make more sense to blame it on the alcohol.

Go home America, you’re drunk.

And not even because of this fictional theory about a real stock market drop. Just in general.

Soros Admits To Causing Snowstorm

The Internet – The east coast of the United States of America got hit with a brutal snowstorm Thursday morning, and George Soros has apparently taken responsibility for the inclement weather.

In a semi-public statement only available to the most dedicated conspiracy theorists, Soros admitted he initially used his weather machine in the hopes Republicans in Congress might think the storm was punishment for their votes confirming highly unqualified and/or potentially dangerous Cabinet picks, but after the storm was already set in motion he realized the foolishness this logic. Congressional Republicans firmly believe God is a staunch conservative, so if anything they’d think the storm was punishment for the Democrats trying to reject those picks. So there was no other choice than to take responsibility for the storm.

Soros also addressed those who might doubt his possession of a weather machine, saying “of course I have a weather device. Just because I am fighting against Republican values rather than for personal gain, does that make me not a supervillain? I also have a shrink ray and sharks with laser beams on their heads, as is required for great villainy, but those would only be used in especially dire situations, such as the Department of Education being legislated out of existence.”

Soros’ statement, which you would be able to see in its entirety if you were more dedicated to the art of truth-seeking, also included a statement of intent to keep using the weather machine in the future. “There is no evidence of an angry God causing the storm,” he wrote, “but plenty of evidence it has been caused by an angry George Soros. And I am angry, and will likely continue to be angry as long as the so-called president continues his foolish foreign and domestic policies. And as long as I am angry, more artificial storms are possible, causing massive inconvenience for many businesses. And no authorities can prevent this without a change in policy. What are they going to do, arrest me? Changing the weather is not illegal, is it? It certainly won’t be if Scott Pruitt is put in charge of the EPA.”

So there you have it. George Soros is totally to blame for this morning’s storm, which is sure to upset a lot of people. However, one Twitter user and fellow supervillain was not upset, as shown by this supportive tweet: