Benevolent Russian Oligarchs Helped Struggling Billionaire Secure Loan

Years ago, a famous billionaire needed money. This billionaire was famous for being rich, as well as for some things which should have made family-values conservatives lose all respect for him, but everyone knew he was a wealthy and successful businessman. And yet when he needed money to grow his businesses to become more wealthy and successful, most banks wouldn’t give him the money.

This billionaire’s difficulty securing loans was due to silly reasons like his casino properties kept losing money and so did his poorly-planned vanity businesses, so banks didn’t think he’d be able to pay them back. Just because he was losing almost a billion dollars a year. Of course he was good for the money, since everyone knew he was very rich and very successful, but the banks didn’t know this and so they were firm in their refusal.

This situation looked dire for this plucky billionaire go-getter, but then benevolent Russian oligarchs stepped in to help him out. Purely out of the goodness of their hearts. As billionaires themselves, they couldn’t stand to see another billionaire suffer, so they put their own financial futures on the line in order to co-sign loans at Deutsche Bank for this American billionaire so that he could get back on his feet. For this, they demanded nothing in return.

Almost nothing, anyway. And it was more of a suggestion of reciprocity than an outright demand. Small business favors, everyone does it, nothing for the media to get worked up about. And maybe some bigger favors if this billionaire ever became president, but of course this was never happening, he had no political experience and far too many scandals in his personal life, so why worry about it? Barely even a thought.

As the title says, these are benevolent oligarchs who did nice things to a fellow billionaire for the sake of being nice. And maybe they expected some nice things in return so they could continue being nice and not accidentally ruin their American friend’s life, but that’s just they way good people do business, da?

Everybody Is Dead

The Internet – According to reliable sources, everybody in the world is now dead. This is because every cause of hysteria is totally justified, and these real and not-at-all-overblown dangers led to the deaths of seven billion humans, nearly all of whom believe they are still alive.

These totally trustworthy sources put the death toll from vaccinations at hundreds of millions in the United States alone. This seems like an unrealistically high number, but it makes sense when one considers that everyone who receives vaccinations gets autism and dies. From autism. This happens because despite the scientific community’s assertions to the contrary, autism is more dangerous than smallpox and polio and the measles combined. If it wasn’t, then sensible parents would never expose their children to deadly infectious diseases in order to avoid what a few celebrities claim increases the risk of autism.

Genetically modified foods have also claimed hundreds of millions of lives in the USA. Everyone who ate unnaturally large corn got appendix cancer and died. Those who had at least a milligram of high fructose corn syrup instantly developed diabetes and also died. If a genetically modified apple a day keeps the doctor away, it’s because doctors don’t treat the dead, but doctors might try to help the dead because the doctors are dead too.

Alcohol consumption has also killed hundreds of millions, and not just from alcohol poisoning. It also kills every person who has had one drink too many. This happens because everyone who drinks alcohol to the point of intoxication is an alcoholic, and the one extra drink invariably turns the drinker from a reasonable human being into someone who will steal a cop car and drive it down the wrong side of the highway. And driving a police car down the wrong side of the highway with compromised reflexes is at least as deadly as consuming the dreaded gluten, which is also responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths in the United States of America.

Cell phones and microwave ovens and other pieces of technology which utilize radiation have also killed everyone who used them. Mostly from cancer, but also from car crashes and getting bludgeoned on the head with an electronic device by a partner upset about time spent staring at a screen. If something happens at all then it happens all the time, so the latter example might be quite common and the other two causes of technology-related death are definitely frequent occurrences. Chances are reading this is killing you, especially if you are using a cell phone, but that may not make much of a difference because, according to the aforementioned reliable sources, you are dead already.

Not everyone can afford health care or technology or cars, but those who cannot are not safe either, as billions died from shame over not being able to afford those things. This is a worldwide phenomenon because everyone shares Western values, which is why it is so perplexing that some people get extremely upset over the USA’s cultural aggression.

Other common causes of death are laughing too much, making a serious statement which brings death to the buttocks and then throughout the whole body, telling bad jokes at a comedy club, and being murdered by one’s own clothing. People tend to make a much bigger deal over vaccinations than they do about the dangers of a killer wardrobe, but perhaps they shouldn’t, since the chances of dying from each are nearly identical.

Like there are some exceptions to Donald Trump making money from Russia and it still counts as the 45th President not having financial ties to Russia, there are some exceptions to everyone being dead and that doesn’t change the fact that everyone is dead. Keith Richards is still alive, and so is Chuck Norris because he roundhouse kicked the vaccine needle before it could give him deadly autism, but just about everyone else is dead. Statistically, adjusted for outliers, everyone is dead and there is nothing which will change that. All one can do is keep on dying and try not to be too dead to breathe.

Trump Taps Amelia Bedelia for FBI Directorship

The Internet – In what would be a surprise move if anything was surprising anymore, the Trump Administration reached out to Amelia Bedelia this morning, offering her the nomination to become the next director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The 25-year-old high school dropout, whose only political experience consists of several minutes running around a podium in a failed bid to become 8th grade vice president, seems to be an unconventional pick even by Trump Team standards. But this choice does have at least a little logic behind it since Ms. Bedelia, in her well-documented past, has demonstrated the exact level of competency which the 45th President would want in someone who might be investigating him.

With FBI Director Bedelia at the helm, the Justice Department would be able to suggest investigations without consequences. If told to “check up on Russia,” Ms. Bedelia could be expected to tell her agents to place stethoscopes and thermometers near Moscow’s place on a map in order to evaluate the country’s health. Or she might have them draw check marks on top of the word “Russia.” But no actual investigation would be occurring.

In another potential scenario, Ms. Bedelia might be instructed to “Look into the issue” after a meeting describing what issue should be investigated. But there would be no danger of a successful inquiry, since Director Bedelia and her agents would be busy browsing nonpolitical magazines. Maybe Amelia Bedelia would pick up Good Housekeeping and finally learn how dusting a room is supposed to make it less dusty, while not learning anything whatsoever about potential Russian involvement in the 2016 election.

Ms. Bedelia could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the nominee said she is reluctant to take the job but believes she must accept because Mr. Trump reached out and tapped her with his little finger, and therefore she has to do what she was tapped to do. According to the same sources, the reason she was unavailable for comment is that she is taking extensive swimming and SCUBA diving lessons in order to prepare for a job on a sinking ship.