Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

The #RealNewsMedia Can Lie About Trump, Too

President Trump tweeted recently about how all the negative rumors about his administration were lies made up by the fake news media, which is insulting to real news sites such as this one. This is, of course, a real news site, because the web address says so, and it is insulting to suggest that fake news sites have a monopoly on making up lies about Donald Trump. Real news sites can do it too.

For example, Donald Trump appears to have small hands because he surrounds himself with people with abnormally large hands in order to give the illusion that he is not perfect.  Since Mr. Trump has no actual flaws, it is important for him to fabricate an imperfection involving hand size so the people will think of him as human instead of as a god. Due to his infinite skills, he was able to manipulate the election so all his opponents had enormous hands. This includes Hillary Clinton, whose huge clumsy digits led her to accidentally delete thousands of emails.

Okay, maybe that lie wasn’t believable because lying comes more easily to fake news media such as the mainstream media than to real news media such as this website, but with some practice even real news sites such as TotesRealNews can put forth a believable lie about Donald Trump.

When Donald Trump put his hand on the orb in Saudi Arabia, he did so because he thought it was the time travel device from the first season of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and it would help him go back in time and not run for president so he wouldn’t have to deal with the stress and scandals and humiliation. This is not true, as the orb had something to do with a ceremony pledging to fight terrorism, but it is a believable lie because British sci-fi dramedies are Donald Trump’s favorite sort of show and he watched the full season three times.

Boom! Two lies in one! Maybe not believable lies, but lies nonetheless.

One might argue that when one prefaces a lie with the admission that it is a lie then it might not be a lie due to the lack of intent to deceive, and in that case one might be right, but these are still fabrications. Unlike the real stories previously published in TotesRealNews about Donald Trump fighting with the Babadook, or fighting with the Babadook again, or planning to finish the Barkley Marathons, or vowing to win the hot dog eating contest, or calling himself German Cain and various other things which he totally did, the assertions about Trump’s hands and the orb were fabrications, so real news organizations such as this site can make things up about the president.

Maybe, if we’re unlucky, we’ll be able to do it again before he leaves office.

Trump to Spend Next Week Focusing on Oreo Flavor Contest

The Internet – The Oreo Cookie brand recently announced a contest offering five hundred thousand dollars to whoever comes up with the next Oreo flavor, and there may be no one who is more excited about this than Donald Trump. He is so enthused about this competition that he has made it his top priority, promising not to even talk to the media for the next week, because he will be busy thinking of a new flavor.

Before going into his self-imposed media exile, Trump reminded detractors that five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money, and it could go a long way toward fixing an infrastructure issue which otherwise might remain unaddressed. The president declined to say whether the money would actually go to fixing problems within America, as opposed to paying for legal fees or simply stashing the money away somewhere, but Trump reiterated that he is “extremely rich” and looked insulted that some reporters seemed to think he wanted the money for selfish reasons.

He also appeared offended at the suggestion he might not win, and shared some of the ideas he’d submitted already:

  • Saltwater-filled Oreos, called “Tears of the Haters, of Which There are Many.” The outsides of the cookies would be extra-strong in order to avoid sogginess, and those saying the name is too long are part of the inspiration for this flavor.
  • Sugar and fat within the filling are reduced to the point that the cookies have much lower levels of caloric energy than regular Oreos. This flavor is called “Jeb Bush.”
  • A butter and jelly flavor called “Hillary Clinton.” This is because of how jealous Ms. Clinton must be because Donald Trump is president and Hillary Clinton is not, and also because of the “but her emails” controversy which helped swing the election to Trump. And instead of being spread throughout the cookie in the traditional matter, the butter and jelly will be in crisscrossing crooked lines.

Mr. Trump also shared an idea which Jeff Sessions told him about, an all-white Oreo. Not like the light wafers which already exist, but the whole cookie would be whiter than Mike Pence. Mr. Sessions told Mr. Trump this idea in confidence, as the Attorney General was reluctant to submit the idea in case it won and the media used this as proof of Jeff Sessions’ racism, but Mr. Trump saw nothing wrong with sharing this information, so he did.

When asked why he needed time to come up with more ideas when he already had such great ideas, Mr. Trump replied that those suggestions were jokes, because no one would want Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton in their mouth, but with time he’d come with a truly great flavor. Perhaps one which captured the essence of Donald Trump. But to do so, he needs to stop being distracted with talk of investigations and special prosecutors and potential impeachment.

He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear about it. So Mr. Trump will be holed up in his room eating Oreos and trying to come up with new flavors until all this Russia talk goes away, or until he is forced to leave the bed and start doing president stuff. And since president stuff is far less appetizing than Double Stuf, Mr. Trump will be angrier than usual if he has to do that.

Due to their previous history, the Babadook was contacted about this situation and asked if he would consider scaring some sense into the president, but he responded that the current political environment was such a horror show that his presence would be redundant.

Trump Taps Amelia Bedelia for FBI Directorship

The Internet – In what would be a surprise move if anything was surprising anymore, the Trump Administration reached out to Amelia Bedelia this morning, offering her the nomination to become the next director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The 25-year-old high school dropout, whose only political experience consists of several minutes running around a podium in a failed bid to become 8th grade vice president, seems to be an unconventional pick even by Trump Team standards. But this choice does have at least a little logic behind it since Ms. Bedelia, in her well-documented past, has demonstrated the exact level of competency which the 45th President would want in someone who might be investigating him.

With FBI Director Bedelia at the helm, the Justice Department would be able to suggest investigations without consequences. If told to “check up on Russia,” Ms. Bedelia could be expected to tell her agents to place stethoscopes and thermometers near Moscow’s place on a map in order to evaluate the country’s health. Or she might have them draw check marks on top of the word “Russia.” But no actual investigation would be occurring.

In another potential scenario, Ms. Bedelia might be instructed to “Look into the issue” after a meeting describing what issue should be investigated. But there would be no danger of a successful inquiry, since Director Bedelia and her agents would be busy browsing nonpolitical magazines. Maybe Amelia Bedelia would pick up Good Housekeeping and finally learn how dusting a room is supposed to make it less dusty, while not learning anything whatsoever about potential Russian involvement in the 2016 election.

Ms. Bedelia could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the nominee said she is reluctant to take the job but believes she must accept because Mr. Trump reached out and tapped her with his little finger, and therefore she has to do what she was tapped to do. According to the same sources, the reason she was unavailable for comment is that she is taking extensive swimming and SCUBA diving lessons in order to prepare for a job on a sinking ship.

White House Preparing For Grand Moff Tarkin Day

The Internet – Thursday will be May Fourth, often known as Star Wars Day because of how the day’s name sounds like the beginning of the famous line “May the force be with you,” but this Thursday will not commemorate traditional Star Wars heroes such as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo and Yoda, or even newer ones such as Rey and Finn, as they do not fit the current administration’s definition of heroism. Instead, the day will honor the unyielding resolve of Grand Moff Tarkin.

The Trump Administration, which spoken for by Donald Trump because he is still allowed to speak, sees Tarkin as the tragic hero of the first film, a man who is willing to make the hard choices necessary to make the Empire great again through acts of terrorism which don’t count as terrorism because it’s the Empire doing it. He is seen as tough, and maybe not fair, but fairness is for weak people and weak people are the reason why America doesn’t win anymore, which is why neither the Empire nor America have any obligation to treat their people fairly. He is also willing to stick to his plan no matter how many people advise him against it, no matter how much it looks like sticking to this plan will destroy him and all those around him, and this tenacity is why he is seen as the most heroic of the pro-Empire Star Wars heroes.

If Steve Bannon still had the sort of influence he used to have, then Grand Moff Tarkin Day would likely include a lot of blowing things up, possibly going into Afghanistan and nuking a big chunk of it like it was Alderaan, but fortunately Steve Bannon is not in charge so nuclear weapons are not part of the official plans. Instead, the factories which had been making Ivanka’s clothing but have had less demand for clothing-making lately will be re-purposed as manufacturers of Peter Cushing masks. And they are expected to receive hefty government contracts (which makes sense since Grand Moff Tarkin Day is now a real national holiday) to make millions of these masks to be worn by all American citizens, so they can gaze upon the visage of the martyr Tarkin and be mindful of what a hero truly is.

Mr. Trump also reminded the American public that if they think Grand Moff Tarkin Day is a silly holiday, they should start buying Ivanka’s clothing again so the factories could make Trump-family clothing instead of masks depicting Peter Cushing as Grand Moff Tarkin.

At the end of the speech, Mr. Trump was forced to concede that time constraints regarding manufacturing and shipping would push Grand Moff Tarkin Day back at least a month, but that’s fine because the date or time that something happens or happened doesn’t matter anymore.

Trump Claims He Could Have Stopped Black Plague

The Internet – Continuing to display an inquisitive spirit regarding historical events, Donald Trump recently wondered out loud about the causes of the Bubonic Plague. As part of this verbalized thinking, he suggested that he could have prevented it through his strong, persuasive leadership style if he only was around back then.

While some might argue that the spread of the plague was virtually inevitable, as the disease is believed to have moved from Mongol warriors to Italian merchants who didn’t even know they were carrying plague-infested rats on their ships until after they had returned to Italy, this did not stop Mr. Trump from wondering why nobody stopped the plague.

When asked how he would have stopped the plague, Trump insisted he would have done so through strong borders. The Italian merchants were refugees from a war zone, and refugees would not have been allowed back in Europe under his watch in case those ships were harboring Mongolian soldiers or plague-infested rodents. Even extreme vetting of those refugees would have been too risky, so the ships would have been sent back before they could do any damage. And the ship captains would have listened and returned before hurting Europeans in Europe. Maybe they would have brought more plague to Crimea, but that’s not Western Europe so it doesn’t count.

In the same interview, Trump told a befuddled journalist how he would have stopped the war between Mongolians and Europeans before the war even reached Europe. “Their leaders must have been so weak,” Trump said. “If I were in charge then, which of course I would have been if I was around at the time, I would not have stood for the sort of aggression. I would have taken Genghis Khan or whoever to Scotland, checking him for fleas first of course, and had a nice chat on the golf course about war and why we didn’t need to have it, and anyway look at Alexander the Great and everyone else who tried to get involved in too many places, it didn’t end well for them, right? And anyway he would have learned this very important lesson which it is very clear what it is and then he would have kept his soldiers and their plague disease far away from Europe.”

Mr. Trump also insisted that if he were in charge, he would have had a better health care system in place which would have cured the plague before it killed all those people. He said he would have virtually eliminated taxes, therefore allowing business owners to become fabulously wealthy and then they would use some of that extra money to meet society’s needs and build high-quality hospitals instead of “using leeches or whatever.” And because of the low taxes, there would be “so many jobs,” so everyone would be able to afford to go to the hospital, or at least “take out a loan that they’d pay later, or maybe their family would pay if they died.”

At that point, the journalist vomited repeatedly and then  she called security to escort the president out of the room before her head exploded.

One of These Ten News Stories is Not Real

  1. Donald Trump ran through the White House in a nightgown last evening, even going up and down stairs, while wearing a hat which said “Make Willie Winkie Wee Again.” While doing this, he shouted frequently, telling people they should be asleep. It was nine p.m. at the time.
  2. Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway settled whatever differences they may have had and merged into one being, with the Conway part of this entity doing the shouting and the Bannon part doing the thinking. Donald Trump did not listen to this union of the spurned, as he was busy running in his nightgown, but this monster is likely to be a threat down the road to what little remains of world peace.
  3. George R.R. Martin recently revealed that the entire Song of Ice and Fire was a fever dream in the mind of one of the watchmen from the beginning of the story, so the attack thought to come from the undead actually came from a cold-resistant bacterium.
  4. Organic food is no longer allowed to be labeled as such, in case people get the idea their apples are made of hearts and kidneys.
  5. A Constitutional Amendment was passed re-defining freedom of speech as the right to say whatever you want to say without any retaliation or suppression of offensive expression by government, businesses, or fellow civilians.
  6. The friendzone has been abolished by law. It is has been determined by Congress that if a woman rejects a man’s romantic advances, she is no longer allowed to respect him or care about him or spend any more time with him than is absolutely necessary.
  7. Steven Mnuchin  was recently fired as Treasury Secretary because anyone with any sense knows that trickle-down economics does not cause long-term economic growth, and anyone arguing that it does has no business running the finances of the United States of America.
  8. Millions of Americans, both men and women, have signed a pact never to remove any hair from their bodies until neither Donald Trump nor Mike Pence is the President of the United States of America.
  9. Mark Zuckerberg is offering a hundred million dollars to the hundred millionth person to post a list of ten bands, nine of which this person has seen in concert.
  10. Donald Trump made a vaguely threatening tweet at Canada on April 25th due to Canada’s alleged negative impact on Wisconsin’s dairy farmers. This is obviously fake news because the South Park movie clearly showed how dangerous it is to blame Canada for anything.

Celebrity Jeopardy Movie Announced

The Internet – According to words on the internet, Lorne Michaels and SNL Studios will be producing a full-length feature film based on the popular Celebrity Jeopardy sketches from Saturday Night Live.

The film will follow ten celebrity characters, both on and off the Jeopardy! set, as they work to come up with questions on set, and struggle to come up with answers off of it. The celebrities who will be featured in the film are: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Burt Reynolds (Norm MacDonald), Justin Bieber (Kate McKinnon), Adele (Aidy Bryant), Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson), George R.R. Martin (Bobby Moynihan), Stefon (Bill Hader), Sarah Palin (Tina Fey), Donald Trump, (Alec Baldwin), and Rick Moranis (Rick Moranis).

Within the reality of this movie, Stefon is a legit celebrity nightlife reviewer with his own show on Bravo. If there can be ten contestants within five days because Sean Connery and Burt Reynolds show up in multiple episodes, then there is no reason why Stefon cannot be a real celebrity. Especially in a timeline where a middle-aged Burt Reynolds co-exists with a twenty-something Justin Bieber.

The movie will also star Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek and Helen Mirren as Alex Trebek’s mother. Additionally, the film will feature cameos by Sean Connery, Burt Reynolds, and Alex Trebek, each as the father of the film’s version of them.

The film is expected to be produced without a hitch, and certainly no lawsuits from Donald Trump or others dissatisfied with the way they are portrayed in the movie.

Celebrity Jeopardy is expected to be rated R for language, as well as for sexual situations between Sean Connery and Alex Trebek’s mother.

Donald Trump Resigns Bill Banning Hyphens

The Internet – Facing persistent allegations of illegal communication with Russia as well as of general incompetence, Donald Trump has resigned a Congressional bill banning hyphens, which is expected to shift the media narrative away from the alleged treason. Mr. Trump would have signed the legislation only once, but a sudden hand cramp rendered his initial signature incomplete, and he was therefore forced to resign the bill.

This new law took effect immediately after Donald Trump resigned it, which is why this article has no hyphens in it. The dashlike line at the beginning of the article is an en dash, not a hyphen, so there have been no hyphen use violations committed. Which is fortunate, because this TotesReal law carries a two hundred dollar fine for hyphen use, which provides ample incentive to fully separate or fully combine words which are normally hyphenated.

The official justification for this law is to fight political correctness, which is not directly related to the repeated refusal of American politicians to govern correctly. It has been determined that most accepted hyphenated terms for racial and ethnic distinctions are favored by liberals, and now that the hyphenated terms are illegal, “real Americans” should have more freedom to use shorter words without being called racist, as they are merely using the only options available to them. Splitting up the formerly hyphenated terms into two words is not realistic, as exemplified by the fact that an “African American” is assumed to be someone who lives in America but was born in Africa, rather than someone whose family has been in the United States for generations but is assumed to have African ancestry.

During Congressional debates regarding this proposed law, which most people haven’t seen because most people don’t watch C-Span, it was suggested that unless the people being referred to suggested otherwise, people in America should just be referred to as  “Americans,” or as “people,” or by their names, but that was dismissed as “liberal nonsense.” Meanwhile, the ostensible liberals in the Democratic Party generally considered this bill to be nonsense, but Senate Democrats opted not to filibuster the bill because of a need to “choose battles wisely.” And therefore the bill passed in both houses of Congress, thus giving Donald Trump the opportunity to resign the bill into law.

As for the physical act of Donald Trump resigning the bill, some people are saying this could be a sign of declining health, but the White House fervently denied such implications. According to Sean Spicer, who is still Press Secretary somehow, hand cramps are perfectly normal for a man of Mr. Trump’s age, especially one who spends as much time squeezing golf clubs as Donald Trump does. Therefore, it should not have been surprising or noteworthy that Donald Trump was forced to resign the bill.

The Supreme Court is expected to eventually challenge the hyphen law that Donald Trump resigned, as it appears to violate the freedom of expression guaranteed by the First Amendment of the Constitution, but there are a lot of other cases which the Court has agreed to take which it considers to be more important. They may take it sooner than expected, however, as the fines keep piling up for inevitable hyphen use in official written opinions. But at least for the moment, the bill which Donald Trump resigned is still on the books as law.

Fortunately for grammar enthusiasts, comma use is still legal at the time of this writing. If commas were to become illegal, that would wreak far more havoc upon journalism than the elimination of hyphens. One example of the potential devastation is that without hyphens but with commas, it is proper to write “Donald Trump resigned, as president, a bill which makes hyphen use a legal violation punishable by a fine of up to $200.” Without commas, the first half of the previous sentence would be: “Donald Trump resigned as president.”

And as of this writing, Donald Trump has not resigned as president. Not yet. He only resigned the No Hyphens Bill, which is totally a real thing and not an elaborate excuse to keep writing the phrase “Donald Trump resigned.”