Trump Gets Psych Eval From Dr. Bornstein

The Internet – The long-awaited psychiatric evaluation of Donald Trump is finally here, and it comes from an actual medical professional. And not just any medical professional, but the president’s own personal doctor, Harold Bornstein. And TotesRealNews has obtained exclusive access to the  main text of the letter summarizing the evaluation, which can be read in its entirety in this article.

Here is the letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

I have just completed an extensive mental health evaluation of Donald J. Trump, and his mental health is tremendous. Believe me, he is about as mentally healthy as a person can be. I tested him for all the major mental health disorders, and the results were overwhelmingly negative. This is a good thing, because it means he doesn’t have mental health problems.

First of all, Donald Trump does not have autism. It is mind-boggling why anyone would think Donald Trump has autism. You would have to be some sort of ridiculous person to suggest that Donald Trump has autism. This is a man who thrives on personal interactions, someone who looks other people in the eye right before making great deals, so of course there is no way that Donald Trump has autism. He is so far from having autism that there is no conceivable way either Donald Trump or any of his children could have anything even resembling autism.

He was also tested for paranoid schizophrenia, and not only is he not schizophrenic but he is not paranoid at all. It is not paranoia when your many enemies are truly out to get you, especially when those enemies are Alec Baldwin and Rosie O’Donnell and the New York Times. It is also impossible to have delusions of grandeur in Mr. Trump’s case, since he truly is the greatest person in the world.

It is strange the psychiatric community would be so concerned about such a thing, but there is nothing disorderly about Donald Trump’s personality when it comes to border lines. He has personally been very clear on border lines. They should be very strong, especially with Mexico. And the order is clear: the American people pay for the wall, the wall gets built, and then Mexico pays the American people back. So it would be preposterous to say Donald Trump has borderline personality disorder.

Donald Trump also does not have bipolar disorder. There is nothing bi about Donald Trump or his pole. He is all about the ladies, and you can hear all about it on the tapes from the Howard Stern Show, but it would be better if you took my word for it and didn’t listen to those tapes. Unless bipolar disorder means something completely different, there is absolutely no way Donald Trump has it. Especially since he doesn’t have any real psychiatric problems.

Attention deficit disorder is not a real problem. It was fabricated as part of a conspiracy between psychiatrists and drug companies in order to keep kids medicated. And since it is not a real thing, Donald Trump cannot be suffering from it.

Narcissistic personality disorder also is not real. It was named after a made-up person from a made-up religion no one even follows anymore, and if no one believes in that religion then no one should believe in the fake psychological problem made up because of that religion. And even if it were real, because Donald Trump is so beloved by everyone with any sense, there would be something wrong with him if he wasn’t also in love with himself. So no disorders here.

There you have it. If you believe this letter which this totally legitimate website says was written by a gastroenterologist in order to summarize President Trump’s psychiatric condition, and believe it at face value without reading between the lines, then you should believe the president’s mental state is nothing to worry about. And if you find yourself being skeptical, then perhaps you need to make an appointment to get treated for reverse gullibility disorder.

 

 

 

Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet – As this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Obama Hacked Trump’s Twitter To Make President Seem Paranoid

The Internet – Donald Trump’s Twitter account posted a series of tweets this morning accusing Barack Obama of illegally wiretapping Trump Tower, which many are saying makes Mr. Trump look even crazier than usual. However, according to words on the internet, the president didn’t write or even dictate those tweets. What really happened is Mr. Obama hacked into the @realDonaldTrump Twitter account to make Donald Trump look bad.

According to these same anonymous but totally real sources, this isn’t the first time Obama hacked Trump’s Twitter. Every time a particularly ludicrous tweet has been released this year, it wasn’t Trump behind the words. It was Obama. The current president has been reluctant to admit that his Twitter had been compromised, since being vulnerable to such interference might make Donald Trump seem weak, but the hacks happened. Mr. Trump has even adopted some of the lunatic talking points in his public statements to keep people from suspecting he’d been Twitter-hacked, but he has been. By Barack Obama.

Some may find it preposterous that Obama would spend his post-presidency hacking the current president’s Twitter account, citing reports that Mr. Obama  spent the end of January on vacation, but Barack Obama didn’t take a vacation. As all people visiting certain corners of the internet are well aware, Obama spent almost his entire presidency on vacation and is therefore all vacationed out. Any more vacations and he would literally explode from happiness, so he sent Barack Clonebama instead. And as Barack Obama’s totally real clone soaked up the sun with Richard Branson, the former president sat in his lair with a bunch of evil computer programmers and plotted to make Donald Trump look as ridiculous as possible.

Because Donald Trump doesn’t do enough to embarrass himself on his own.

 

Frightened First Amendment Files For Restraining Order against Trump

The Internet – In response to a statement made at CPAC by the 45th President of the United States of America, a lawyer representing the First Amendment to the United States Constitution has filed paperwork to keep Mr. Trump as far away from the First Amendment as possible.

Speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference this morning, the same head of state who banned several established newspapers from his press briefings made an astonishing claim. He claimed to love the First Amendment more than anyone else does, a statement which can easily be dismissed as a lie. However, the lawyer representing the First Amendment says that Mr. Trump wasn’t lying at all, but reflecting how the president’s definition of love is not the same as the notion of romantic love commonly depicted in the arts and elsewhere.

According to this lawyer, who is speaking anonymously due to concerns regarding Mr. Trump’s love of freedom of speech, when Donald Trump loves it is not about affection and mutual respect. It is first and foremost about possession and control, and therefore often accompanied by jealousy. When Mr. Trump believes he loves someone, or something, he wants to be able to do whatever he wants with this person or thing without legal or marital consequences. Any comforts provided by this person or thing should belong to Mr. Trump, and Mr. Trump alone. Therefore, according to this definition of love, Donald Trump loves the First Amendment very much.

This love is unrequited. The First Amendment hasn’t said so itself, because as everyone knows written words are incapable of speech except maybe through text-to-speech generators and those haven’t been utilized in this case, but much like anti-abortion activists are able to speak for unborn embryos and fetuses, the anonymous lawyer is speaking for the First Amendment. And filing for a restraining order in order to keep the president’s small hands from touching the explicit or implicit protections provided by this important paragraph.

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment about this story, but the Babadook could be, and said this:

 

 

Trump Will Nominate Self To Supreme Court

Judge, Man, Law, Person, Standing, Court

The look on Donald Trump’s face when he’s forced to actually read documents related to Supreme Court cases

 

The Internet – Donald Trump, who is apparently still president, planned to announce his pick for the Supreme Court later today, but the word is out: he’s nominating himself.

Critics barely found the energy to pounce on such a bombshell, as they are exhausted from all the other dangerous ridiculousness coming from this administration, but those who managed to  find room for a little more outrage questioned the Constitutionality of the choice. Sean Spicer did not respond, because he was laid up at the hospital getting chewing gum removed from his digestive tract, but Kellyanne Conway stepped up to the plate, explaining that “It’s like Donald Trump’s taxes, people don’t care about that. They care about Donald Trump, they like him, and they want to see him doing as much as possible.”

Such a nomination may actually be allowed according to the Constitution, since the Ineligibility Clause only affects cases involving the Legislative Branch, and after a staffer whispered in Ms. Conway’s ear, she explained the probable legality of the choice in a rare factual statement of the non-alternative variety.

When questioned about whether Mr. Trump would have time to serve on the Supreme Court despite the time commitment required for being president, Ms. Conway explained that Mr. Trump will have plenty of time since “Steve is taking care of all the difficult aspects of the presidency, so time should not be an issue.” Then she glared at the press until anyone considering questioning Mr. Bannon’s level of influence opted not to ask such a question.

Despite the glaring, the press insisted upon asking more questions, with one reporter pointing out that even the ceremonial duties of the Head of State would require Mr. Trump to spend too much time away from Washington DC to possibly hear complicated cases, but Ms. Conway explained that Donald Trump would not have to be there because his judicial assistant would provide a brief summary of the issue at hand over the phone, and then the President/Supreme Court Justice would send his opinion to Chief Justice Roberts in a direct message on Twitter. Then, when a young reporter pointed out that John Roberts doesn’t really use Twitter, Ms. Conway countered that “He’d better start using it now if he knows what’s good for him.”

Another reporter said that Mr. Trump would likely be the most unqualified person ever appointed to the Supreme Court and therefore might have a tough time getting confirmed by the Senate. Ms. Conway replied by suggesting that this reporter should be jailed, or at least fired, for insulting the president, and that sitting Senators have nice careers at the moment and it would be a shame if something happened to those careers as a result of defying the administration.

 

After that, the reporters shuffled out of the room, dejected and terrified, just like much of the country. And many people felt that way before finding out about this nomination which, unless reality follows an alternative path to the one outlined in this article, is totally going to happen.

DeVos Confirmation Postponed Due to Potential Grizzlies

 

The Internet – The vote to confirm Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education has been postponed indefinitely due to the possibility of grizzly bear attacks. While preventing this totally qualified nominee from assuming this position can be seen as a national embarrassment, what must be done must be done. For safety’s sake.

If any grizzly bears were watching the confirmation hearings, then they likely would have been offended by Mrs. DeVos’s statements about needing to shoot grizzly bears. In addition to the umbrage, these bears might fear for their own safety, and then they could feel the only way to protect themselves is to attack Betsy DeVos  wherever she would be doing the things Secretaries of Education do. Except not quite those things, because her demonstrated lack of faith in public education suggests a radically different approach to the job.

Many people, especially people on the internet, are looking forward to Blackwater founder Erik Prince’s sister getting her billionaire hands on the education system, but unfortunately for these people she will not get to do so, due to the aforementioned grizzly bears. If fences are insufficient to keep bears away from Wyoming schools when the children did nothing to anger the grizzlies, no amount of protective barriers will be enough to keep out self-defensive ursine marauders. And even if Mrs. DeVos is allowed to keep a gun at her desk, constantly having to shoot grizzly bears would be a significant distraction. And if she has to work among others, then she would have to put those others in danger. Additionally, the bears might blame Donald Trump for the DeVos appointment and therefore potentially try to assassinate him, which leaves no other option than to postpone the nomination process until the grizzly problem can be solved or a suitable replacement can be found.

Perhaps someone somewhere is at least as qualified to be Secretary of Education as Betsy DeVos is. Maybe Ben Carson, who should be able to take a shot after the Senate grows a brain and rejects him for the Housing and Urban Development position.

Trump, Babadook, Obama, and Avril Lavigne Involved in Heated Twitter Exchange.

The Internet – Avril Lavigne’s tweet to Mark Zuckerberg yesterday, in which she accused the social media billionaire of bullying after he insulted Nickelback’s music, has been well-publicized, but less attention has been given to the tweets which followed. This is because at least some of the tweets have since been deleted, but TotesRealNews captured them before they disappeared and we are therefore able to share the increasingly bizarre exchange.

After Mark Zuckerberg, who doesn’t really use Twitter, failed to respond to the first tweet, Ms. Lavigne sent this out:

Still no response from Mark Zuckerberg, but there was this tweet from the Babadook:

 

Which prompted this response:

But as many have learned before, you can’t get rid of the Babadook that easily.

 

 

Then Ms. Lavigne escalated the situation:

The Babadook again:

 

Then another person joined the conversation:

This did not put an end to tweets at the Babadook, but it did get Donald Trump involved.

She replied quickly:

This could have been the end of it. And it was the end of Ms. Lavigne’s involvement. But Mr. Trump couldn’t stop himself.

The Babadook had this to say in response:

And this, after what was most likely a half-hour break spent scaring children:

 

And this:

As he often does, Mr. Trump disagreed:

After this tweet, Trump’s handlers decided the incoming head of state was being ridiculous even by Trump standards, and deleted all contributions by the president-elect to this exchange. Some team members have been overheard saying they would like to keep him off of Twitter for at least another month, but that seems about as likely as getting rid of the Babadook.

 

 

*Editor’s Note: The Babadook’s tweets have disappeared, but an effort will be made to reach out to the Babadook and see if it remembers what it wrote.

 

 

Trump Desperately Seeking Real Name of RussianStiltskin

 

The Internet – While the media has been reporting on various difficulties faced by the Trump Transition Team, it has yet to cover what may be the most pressing issue faced by the president-elect, which is what the obscure Russian hacker RussianStiltskin’s real name is.

RussianStiltskin has kept such a low profile that he, or possibly she because the hacker’s identify is totally unconfirmed, has never been reported on before, but this person may be among the most important players in recent world history. This is because RussianStiltskin spun straw man arguments into political gold by manipulating information on the internet to make voters think Hillary Clinton was in favor of going to war with Russia. And thanks to this hacking, Donald Trump owes an enormous debt to this code-named Russian hacker.

The debt which Trump owes is not a concrete financial sum, which he would also likely do everything within his power to avoid paying, but a promise of his first-born. Unless Donald Trump can guess RussianStiltskin’s actual, legal name before the Electoral College votes on December 19th and Mr. Trump’s impending presidency is expected to become even more official, RussianStiltskin insists that Trump’s first-born is as good as gone.

By first-born, RussianStiltskin does not mean Donald Trump Junior. Although the former reality show star’s oldest child is apparently is of some value to Donald Trump, since if RussianStiltskin took Donald the Younger then someone else would have to do things like conducting interviews for Secretary of the Interior, Donald the Elder’s most prized offspring is his first-born skyscraper, Trump Tower.

The efforts to save Trump Tower have grown more frantic as time went on. At first it was the e-mails. Although there were other legitimate political reasons to want to know what potentially unethical activity was going on in Hillary Email Land, the primary motivation for Trump pressing the issue was the hope that these e-mails contained RussianStiltskin’s real name. Perhaps the CIA found out and told Hillary so she could use such information to make a deal with Trump at the last minute. Perhaps RussianStiltskin was a double agent in constant contact with Hillary Clinton. Perhaps RussianStiltskin wasn’t Russian at all, but was actually a Clinton ploy to humiliate Donald Trump. All of these possibilities were no less unlikely than some of the more ridiculous conspiracies on the internet, but when many of the emails were found, they revealed no information about RussianStiltskin.

The next step in the attempt to keep Trump Tower was Donald Trump’s insistence he would not live full-time in the White House, and that his youngest son would barely be there at all. There were other justifications for this decision, but the real reason was that if the Secret Service needed to be in Trump Tower at all times to protect the Trump family, the Secret Service would also be able to protect the first-born skyscraper from RussianStiltskin. And they may be able to protect the tower temporarily, but RussianStiltskin appears to be powerful enough that even the protection of the Secret Service is unlikely to keep the tower in Trump’s possession for the rest of the year. So another plan became necessary.

For the next plan, which may have been even more far-fetched than the rest, Trump attempted the gain the Babadook’s attention through a Twitter altercation and then use his masterful negotiating skills to persuade the Babadook to find and terrify RussianStiltskin until the hacker’s birth name was revealed. This plan came crashing down when Trump found himself unable to convince the Babadook to stop taunting and threatening Donald Trump, and therefore there was no chance of convincing the Babadook to cooperate in a scheme to save Trump Tower.

After the epic failure of the Babadook plan, Mr. Trump began nominating highly unqualified people, many of whom seemed to be morally opposed to the job they were supposed to do, to various Cabinet posts and other high-level government positions. This was done in the hope such gross incompetence would sway the Electoral College not to vote for him, thus nullifying his deal with RussianStiltskin, but as of press time there does not seem to be enough anti-Trump sentiment in the Electoral College to save Trump Tower from this secretive cyber-criminal. This may change in the coming days, but it looks like the only options might be to give up Trump Tower or take even more desperate measures.

Donald Trump might have to use his own money to pay for information regarding RussianStiltskin. But only as an absolute last resort.

Auditions Held For Secretary of Humor

Melon, Watermelon, Pulp, Red, Section

The Internet – The Trump Administration is creating a new Cabinet post, the Secretary of Humor, in order to oversee a department dedicated to determining what jokes out there are deserving of the Trump Seal of Approval, and which are not. This way, President Trump will know which comedians and comedy programs he should be attacking on Twitter, and which he should be praising, without having to do any research.

The original plan was to make the audition an open one, but last Saturday the line around Trump Tower stretched several blocks as hundreds of aspiring comedians showed up due to the promise of a potentially lucrative opportunity, or possibly for the chance to heckle Donald Trump to his face. No one got that chance, however, as they cancelled open auditions and made it invite-only, to be held on Saturday, December 10th.

Out of the dozens receiving invitations, most refused, often citing a desire to do absolutely anything which didn’t involve working for Donald Trump. Several refusals prompted angry tweets from the president-elect, such as this one:

One of the few who accepted the invitation was Yakov Smirnoff, whose association with Russia likely led the Trump Team to believe he might be the idea Secretary of Humor. During the audition, he was pressed to do a Russian reversal despite telling the Trump Team those were never a big part of his act. However, they kept insisting, so he said “In Soviet America, joke tells you.” When asked to explain what he meant, Smirnoff said “Joke tells you what is funny, joke tells you what is American, joke tells you what is great. Joke is elected president.”

Smirnoff is no longer under consideration for the Secretary of Humor position, but he is under strong consideration to be sent to a Midwestern gulag in January.

At press time, the Trump Team was reported to be deciding between Larry the Cable Guy and Gallagher. Most likely, the new Secretary of Humor will be Gallagher. Which probably makes the United States of America a watermelon.