Clinton Family Allegedly Operating Space Brothel

The Internet – Fake news has been getting extra attention in recent days due to someone firing an assault rifle in a pizza place and claiming he went there because of a fake news article, but words on the internet confirm that this incident was due to a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie. The illegal operation which Edgar Welch aimed to break up is actually located on the Ping-Pong Comet, not the Comet Ping-Pong restaurant.

Comet 2016 BA14, usually called PanSTARRS but also known as the Ping-Pong Comet because its relatively small size makes it resemble a ping-pong ball when viewed from the Earth, came within about two million miles of this planet earlier in the year. Two million miles is about ten times as far away as the moon is, so for most people that would be a prohibitive distance, but according to words on the internet it is not too far for the Clintons. Their level of power and influence is so great that when the interstellar flying object came within three million miles, they were able to hop over there and move their nefarious “House of Love” to the comet so they could not be prosecuted for this particular criminal enterprise.

Some people might wonder why the Clintons would employ sex workers in space when they have enough money already and should have been too busy with their legitimate public activities to engage in such nefarious criminality, but such people live in a left-wing bubble where reality is shaped by evidence-based facts. For other people, whose perception of reality is more fluid and tends to be shaped by what they want to believe, if something is terrible then the Clintons will be doing it because that’s what horrible people do, and in this version of reality the Clintons took a day trip in March to set up an interstellar brothel where they can do whatever they want, including bring children to this brothel. The children are there in order to not be separated from family members who work at the Clinton Space Brothel, but those who are looking to be outraged can and will draw different conclusions about why there are children present.

Also in this version of reality, the Clintons are operating a space shuttle for clients to get to and from the Ping-Pong Comet, and this is being paid for with hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Because the Clintons control NASA, or something.

This angered a well-known resident of alt-reality:

No matter which version of reality you live in, if you want to put a stop to this alleged operation, you will not be able to use the Clinton Shuttle. If you live in Fact-Based Reality, you cannot do so because such a shuttle does not exist, and if you live in the other reality the Clintons have been spying on you and know what your plan is and therefore would never allow you to ride on their spaceship. But if you’re smart enough, and determined enough, and work hard enough to make enough money to afford the materials required to build a spaceship, then you might be able to make your own spacecraft and fly it to the comet and put a stop to all the horrible things which are going on in the space brothel. But to do so you will need to spend years dedicated to the cause, thinking of nothing else. Certainly no time for voting or any other political activities.

President Obama appears to be at least a bit skeptical about this, as evidenced by this totally real tweet:

But President Obama lives in Left-Wing, Fact-Based Reality, so those who live elsewhere can draw their own conclusions.

Trump Starts Twitter War With The Babadook

The Internet – Donald Trump has continued to insult people on Twitter even after winning the presidential election, and he hasn’t seemed to be any worse off for it, but he may have gone too far last night when he tweeted about the Babadook.

It started off relatively harmlessly, by Trump standards:

 

Then, bringing back memories of the initial announcement of his candidacy, Trump escalated the situation:

That seemed like it would be the end of it, but then the President-Elect received a disturbing tweet a few hours later.

And then Mr. Trump took time out of his busy schedule to respond:

If Mr. Trump thought the Secret Service reference was going to scare the Babadook into silence, he thought incorrectly, as this tweet followed soon afterwards:

And then this:

 

 

This prompted a string of tweets from the future President of the United States insisting he is not a child and promising to take the last threat a lot more seriously than the authorities took the “2nd Amendment people” comment Trump made on the campaign trail. Mike Pence also got involved, tweeting vague support for Donald Trump while simultaneously trying to distance himself from the hard line anti-Babadook stance. These attempts were less than successful considering what the Babadook had to say to Mr. Pence:

And then President Obama joined the Twitter party:

 

As of press time, President Obama had not weighed in on the subject again, but Donald Trump continued to retweet posts from his followers threatening and insulting the Babadook. The Babadook has not responded, probably because this is the time of day when monsters of the night sleep, but this feud seems likely to continue indefinitely until either someone takes Donald Trump’s phone away or the Babadook materializes in Donald Trump’s presence through the pages of a book. Fortunately for those who don’t want to see President Pence in the Oval Office, the former is much more likely than the latter.

Because Donald Trump does not read books.

 

 

*Editor’s note: The Babadook’s Tweets have disappeared, but SuchRealNews will reach out to the monster in an attempt to reproduce them.

 

 

 

America Thankful Trump Hasn’t Eaten All the Turkeys

Turkey, Cash Strapped, Bust, Arm

He is worried Donald Trump might eat him, but also thankful to remain uneaten by the president-elect.

The Internet – This year has been a rough year for many Americans, with the deaths of many beloved human celebrities and one gorilla, as well as an election season which didn’t go the way most people hoped. In spite of tragedy and disappointment, America is coming together this Thanksgiving to figure out something to be thankful for, and that something is that Donald Trump has not eaten all of America’s turkeys.

Mr. Trump, who weighs 198 pounds according to medical records which may have been accurate years ago, is known for his ravenous appetites. He has gained a reputation throughout the years for his seemingly insatiable desire for glutton-magnets such as money, sex, fast food, and being talked about for any reason at all. His appetite for turkeys is less well-documented, to the point it has never been talked about at all, but like Mr. Trump’s detailed plans for actually making America great again, just because it has never been observed doesn’t guarantee that it doesn’t exist.

And now that he has been elected president with about 2 million fewer votes than the second-place finisher, Donald Trump’s potential turkey-guzzling could have come to fruition. He could have gone to his favorite tweeting website promising favorable treatment to farmers who gave Mr. Trump all their turkeys, and unfavorable treatment to those who didn’t, and if turkey farmers believed him like millions of voters believed his campaign promises, he could have had all of the turkeys.

And then, with a stomach which is believed to love turkey like his transition team loves highly unqualified right-wing extremists, he could have eaten all of the turkeys.

But he hasn’t.

He may still eat a lot of turkeys. Thanksgiving hasn’t started yet, and much which is unexpected can happen in the late hours of a weeknight. But since he has yet to even tweet about wanting to eat an obscene amount of turkeys tomorrow, and most people have bought their turkeys by now, unless he comes after turkeys like Obama was expected to go after guns, most Americans who are not suffering from abject poverty will get to eat turkey on Thanksgiving.

We may not have David Bowie, or Prince, or a president who seems to have much of an idea what a president is supposed to do, or decent treatment of those protesting an oil pipeline going through Sioux territory, but at least not all of our turkeys have been eaten by Donald Trump. And for that, everyone who has thought about such a possibility is thankful. Between sobs and sensations of helpless terror, America is thankful.

Trump Nominates Alex Jones for Secretary of Information

All Seeing Eye, Dollar

The future should hold less fake news and more of this.

 

The Internet – Due to the much-maligned proliferation of fake news throughout social media, the Trump Administration has created a new government agency, the Department of Information, to control the spread of journalism which it deems to be fake. This department is to be headed by a new member of the Cabinet, the Secretary of Information, and the Trump Team has nominated noted truth enthusiast Alex Jones for this position.

In addition to shouting at anyone and everyone whose version of the truth doesn’t coincide with that of the Trump Administration, if he is approved by the Senate then Mr. Jones’ responsibilities will also include spearheading a massive agency meant to keep fake news stories away from the eyes of the gullible public. The Department of Information is set to go after not only obviously biased sites such as the Borowitz Report and Addicting Info and the Huffington Post, but also more insidious fake news purveyors such as CNN, the BBC, and Reuters. This would require a lot of taxpayer dollars according to some sources, but any source saying such a thing is a fake news source according to the new administration and therefore should not be listened to.

One of the first orders of business of this new department will be to shut down what they claim to be a fake news story about the Trump University case showing highly unethical and un-presidential conduct on the part of the president-elect. There will be no alternate narrative, because there is nothing else to say. It is fake news, as it is disrespectful to the new president, and therefore there is nothing more to say about it.

Anything related to the suspicious nature of Trump’s wins in swing states, and winning the Electoral College while getting “schlonged” in the popular vote, will be declared fake and purged from all places where the people can be exposed to such information. Same for anything related to Trump’s treatment of women, including accusations of sexual assault and worse. Ditto for reports about conflicts of interest regarding the way Trump is handling his business interests while he is supposed to be interested only in leading the country to the best of his ability. Any reports supporting the idea that the best of his ability is not very good at all will also be officially declared fake. And anything pointing out the hypocrisy regarding the outrage over Mike Pence’s Hamilton experience is the fakest fakey fake news in the world and will be purged accordingly. The list goes on, except it doesn’t, because anything detailing Trump Administration policies which might make the administration look bad is also fake.

In order to allow news to still exist while getting rid of the news the administration considers fake, Mr. Jones will feed news networks stories about cute animals and not-so-cute extraterrestrial beings and positively ugly conspiracies to kill unborn babies in order to get their stem cells to use for vaccines to give people autism. If Secretary Jones says these stories are real, then all these stories will be real and we will be hearing a lot more of them in the near future. Unless the Trump Administration causes Armageddon and there is no near future, but any reports of such a possibility are, of course, fake.

There are likely to be sources calling these policies “totalitarian” and “Fascistic” and “soul-shakingly terrifying,” but such sources are a virtual lock to face severe censorship due to the fakeness of their news.

There could be some concern over the future of this publication in the face of these regulations, but such concern is unfounded. It is obvious to all those who read our name and nothing else that our news is not fake, as it is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

 

Unverified yet Totally Reliable Source: Donald Trump Has Fired Security Detail

Agent, One, Detective, Secret Service

It has been suggested that this man is frowning because Donald Trump just fired him from his Secret Service job.

The Internet – Because he is totally allowed to do such a thing as President-elect, Donald Trump has fired the Secret Service agents assigned to protect him, reallocating the funds previously used for security in order to pay for wall-building and deportation programs. This has allegedly been confirmed by a source which has not revealed anything about why he or she should be believed, but we at TotesRealNews believe this source because it told us what we want to hear.

When asked why he would get rid of people whose job it is to keep him alive, Trump said he didn’t need them. He was quoted as saying “Why would anyone want to hurt me? Everyone loves me. I am the most popular person to ever be elected president, and all the people protesting are not really angry, they’re just being paid by the Democrats to make it seem like not everyone thinks I’m the greatest. But everyone thinks I’m the greatest. Even the Democrats.”

Trump continued excusing his decision by claiming Mike Pence provides better protection than any armed agent ever could. While Trump’s position supporting the torture of those suspected of terrorist activities can be unpopular, Mike Pence’s position in favor of torturing people who are attracted to the same sex until they change their preferences or die can be seen as more extreme, and could serve to discourage potential assassins. And Pence probably believes in torturing terrorists as well, but due to our firm belief in poor journalistic integrity we are unwilling to research the matter, although Pence is probably for brutality whenever the opportunity presents itself, and sometimes when there should be no reasonable opportunity, such as when he would deny health care coverage to people suffering from smoking-induced lung cancer because smoking doesn’t cause cancer so they don’t have cancer and they’re just being babies trying to bilk the insurance industry out of their hard-stolen dollars. Pence also has his own potential e-mail issues, and since e-mail issues are the worst political Kryptonite in the world, Trump feels there is no way anyone would kill Donald Trump in order to end up with a president who doesn’t want anyone reading his emails.

If the Secret Service were willing to talk to TotesRealNews, which they are not, they would most likely say that these are unsubstantiated rumors and Donald Trump has not fired his security team because even he is not that crazy, but it is also possible they would not say anything because they no longer have jobs because Donald Trump fired them. In a world where Donald Trump can be elected president, just about anything is possible.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Pridelands Protesters Urged to Give Scar a Chance

 

Great Migration, Africa, Safari

The scared, confused masses which are being blamed for the death of Mufasa and the crowning of Scar

The Internet – There has been much unrest in the Pridelands following the ascension of Scar to the highest position in the country, but self-proclaimed voices of reason have been doing their best to sway the protesters to stop complaining and accept their new King.

Those who have known Scar for a long time judge him to be an extraordinarily unpleasant person who they trust almost as far as they can throw him, and as he is a full-grown lion he is rather difficult to throw, but he is King and therefore the masses are begged to accept him for the sake of national unity and peace. The circumstances of his acquisition of the throne are deemed ridiculously suspicious by those who dare to speak out, considering the mysterious death of the previous king and the disappearance of Prince Simba, but Scar is King and as King he is unwilling to conduct an unbiased investigation into these matters, so there seems to be no point in doing anything about it.

The former king, Mufasa, was generally considered a strong yet fair and reasonable ruler, and there are doubts that Scar will fit any of that description, yet the restless masses are being told to ignore their fears and give Scar a chance. After all, the fact he has made a habit of hanging out with a bunch of hyenas over the years doesn’t mean he will reward the hyenas with political authority and enact primarily pro-hyena policies. For all the people know, Scar might no longer be involved with the hyenas at all. He might just have used them temporarily in order to gain the throne in a time-honored and traditional manner, and now that Scar is King he might kick out the hyenas any day now, and govern in the best interests of the Pridelands. At least he might be able to do so if all of these succession-disrespecting protesters stop their whining and let him lead.

According to some of the protesters, the ones who have not yet been torn apart by hyenas, Scar may not even really be interested in ruling at all. They say he is only in it to make himself rich, and might actually sit back on his pile of gold as the gluttonous hyenas destroy the country, but these protesters are being told they are overreacting. Outside of a few incidents, the hyenas have not caused any trouble in the first day of the Scar regime, and according to those urging peace it is imperative not to challenge the rule of this new king at this point in time, as doing so would make a mockery of the monarchy.

These anti-protesters insist they are doing so out of genuine concern for their political system, and not fear of retaliation by the new government if they are seen as sympathizing with the protesters.

Meanwhile, four thousand miles away in Agrabah, a similar anti-protest movement has taken hold proclaiming the legitimacy of Sultan Jafar, and insisting his rival Prince Ali may have been less than honest and therefore should not be considered the more trustworthy option no matter how many times Sultan Jafar is caught lying.

Trump Campaign Hit By Truth Explosion

Bomb, Explosive, Detonation, Fuze, Fuse

The truth bomb looks like this, except it’s metaphorical. This makes as much sense as the 2016 campaign.

The Internet – On the day before what many people are saying is among the most important elections in American history, a massive truth bomb has struck the Trump campaign, not actually touching Donald Trump but scattering throughout the country, allowing millions of people to gain a sufficient understanding of the issues that their understanding approximates actual reality.

Thanks to this truth bomb, the vast majority of Americans now understand how much Hillary Clinton’s emails were blown out of proportion. While it is true that she may have demonstrated less than perfect security protocol by keeping them on a private server, now the people realize that multiple previous high-level government officials did the same thing, often deleting larger quantities of emails, and all of those people are not in prison. Additionally, this truth bomb has led people to understand that while these emails may have shown morally shady strategies by Democratic operatives, being shady is basically part of the job description and if Republican emails were hacked then the information found would likely be at least as bad. People know all this now, thanks to the truth bomb.

People are also coming to realize, thanks to this explosion of truth, that Bill Clinton is not running for president. Therefore, even if Bill Clinton’s indiscretions and predatory tendencies were as bad as or worse than what Trump has admitted to, it wouldn’t matter because Donald Trump is running for president and Bill Clinton is not. On a related note, they realize that what Donald Trump admitted to doing is not okay, even if they “let him do it”, as acquiescence does not equal consent. The people now understand that the women who Donald Trump thrust himself upon most likely allowed him to do so because they knew they could not with a physical struggle and/or they were afraid of how he might hurt them and their families if they refused, not because they welcomed his advances.

The people, thanks to this truth explosion, now have a better understanding of the Benghazi incident and why it should not have an impact on voting decisions. They know that the Secretary of State does not control the purse strings of the United States, and they know it was ultimately up to Congress to provide the increased security which might have saved the four diplomats’ lives. As this is an extraordinarily detailed truth bomb, the people also understand that it is sometimes important not to accuse organized terrorist groups of involvement in atrocities without definitive proof of their involvement because of the potential political consequences of doing so.

Additionally, the truth bomb spread the knowledge that Hillary Clinton’s pro-choice stance is not part of a conspiracy to murder babies for the sole purpose of enriching Planned Parenthood. Now people understand that adoption can be a difficult process, so for many unplanned pregnancies the only options once the baby is born are to try to raise it alone without being financially and/or emotionally prepared to do so, or to send the child into a notoriously unreliable foster care system. People also understand that while an unborn child is technically alive before a heartbeat can be detected, for much of the pregnancy it is less self-aware than many, many living things which society has no qualms about killing for the sake of convenience for humanity. They also understand that the idea Hillary Clinton would support a late-term abortion when both mother and child can reasonably be saved is based on dishonest hysteria rather than actual facts.

The truth bomb also led the vast majority to understand that the US government should not be run exactly like a business, which makes Donald Trump’s experience less relevant, and they also realize his business experience can be described as “bad experience.” They realize that maybe the countless people accusing Trump’s companies of refusing to pay them aren’t all lying. They also realize that losing enough money on business ventures to not pay any federal taxes for decades is not a sign of a “smart businessman” but of a terrible one with great accountants.

The people also finally understand that while Hillary Clinton may represent the status quo in Washington D.C., and the status quo is far from perfect, electing a morally bankrupt aspiring dictator is not a favorable alternative. They understand that if an NBA team loses most of their basketball games, replacing the team with a bunch of out-of-shape AARP members might decrease the amount of missed shots and offensive rebounds allowed, but the team will be even less competitive than they had been beforehand. And thanks to this truth bomb, and its inclusion of this basketball analogy which everyone understands, the vast majority of people realize that despite all the talk of making America great again, a Trump presidency is actually likely to make America significantly less great.

This truth bomb has finally gotten through to the vast majority of American people when all previous attempts to appeal to logic and reason have failed, and the people will totally vote accordingly on November 8th.

Newspaper Vandalism Victims Come Forward

Newspaper, News, Paper, Media

Breaking News: This paper in the hands of a destructive paperboy. Because it’s news that breaks things.

The Internet – After decades of silence, residents of a two-block radius have come forward to talk about the abuse they suffered at the hands of a vindictive paperboy.

This paperboy, whose identity will remain as anonymous as that of the accusers, allegedly caused all sorts of havoc to the property of homeowners who didn’t subscribe to a certain periodical. These homeowners would find their trash cans knocked down on a regular basis, and sometimes their windows would be shattered by the impact of rolled-up pages. And this happened at least once a week for years, virtually every single Monday, with the damage sometimes persisting for seven days in a row.

At first, the victims thought maybe he didn’t mean any harm by it, maybe it was merely the result on a temporary loss of control, but after detailed observation it certainly wasn’t the case. The person tossing the papers had absolutely perfect aim. If there was a football league where instead of footballs they threw newspapers and the throwing motion was more like that of a Frisbee than a football and throws were never more than twenty yards, this guy would have been a star quarterback. The damaging throws were intentional, and they were malicious. The paperboy was bad news, and many of his victims wish they would have reported him years ago.

So why didn’t they?

One reason was they didn’t want to relive a traumatic portion of their lives. In addition to the paper attacks, they had to deal with constant sidewalk construction, neighborhood kids who would ride their tricycles in tiny rectangles, frequent hyperlocal tornadoes, and almost daily Grim Reaper sightings, and other terrors which made it difficult to leave the house. Many of these people sold their homes for whatever they could get and moved on, trying their best to put this trauma behind them.

 

Cartoon, Collection, Death, Evil, Gothic

Free image depiction of one reason why victims kept silent for years

Additionally, many residents were under the impression they would not be believed. As the burden of proof is on the accuser, they would have had to provide all sorts of details regarding the circumstances of the case, which would have had to include mentions of the aforementioned tornadoes and Grim Reaper. Going through the trouble of filing a formal complaint in order to move toward a trial, only to be called a liar and laughed at, didn’t seem remotely worth it. So no one came forward.

As if the previous reasons weren’t enough, potential plaintiffs were reluctant to make formal accusations because of the power wielded by this paperboy. Due to the dangers of the neighborhood, he was compensated quite well for his efforts and became very rich, and was also considered somewhat of a hero for occasionally making it through an entire week with at least one household on his route still subscribing to the paper. Additionally, according to one vandalism victim, “He had the best lawyers. You wouldn’t believe how good his lawyers were. They were amazing. We would have had no chance.”

So no one said anything, until recently.

Why, after all these years, are people making accusations now? The most plausible explanation is because of a recently leaked conversation in which this former paperboy bragged about smashing the windows of houses owned by people who wouldn’t buy this paper. As this now-grown-man is still somewhat of a cult hero, many people came to his defense, saying that it was simply press room talk, and he didn’t actually do such things. So about a dozen people responded to let the public know that yes, he actually did do such things, and it was horrible when it happened. And, according to one member of the class-action lawsuit, “There is no statute of limitations on the truth. Some things need to be talked about, if only to make sure nothing like it ever happens again.”

We will be following this totally real pending lawsuit with great interest.

 

 

Leaked Trump Speech Links Clinton to Alt-Delete Movement

Lollipop, Candy, Sugar, Food, Kids

The Internet – Alleged presidential candidate Donald Trump planned to give a short speech in the near future responding to Hillary Clinton’s speech associating the Trump Campaign with the controversial alt-right movement, but the speech has been leaked. And we have it. In its entirety. Here it is:

Greetings, Dum Dums.

I meant this with love, of course. Dum Dums are great. They are one of the best candies. And you are the best supporters.

Now some people, and these people are not very smart, are saying perhaps you are not the best supporters. That you are part of something called the alt-right which everyone should be scared of as if you are Muslims or Mexicans, and I am very confident you are neither. You are also not alt-right, at least not in the way my opponent says you are, because you are just right. People who support me are right. People who don’t support me are wrong. It’s that simple.

Speaking of people who are wrong, Hillary Clinton has some nerve accusing me of being close with an alt group, when she has an alt group of her own. Not only do they support her, but every decision she makes is because of these people, and I use the term loosely. I would call it the control-alt-delete movement, because she is always resetting herself, but she is out of control. She’s totally lost it. So it’s just alt-delete.

Now I know you’re very smart people, but sometimes you have better things to do with your intelligence than learn things about Crooked Hillary, but I have the best people telling me about her, and those people tell me she changed her mind a lot. These same people also tell me that’s like resetting a computer to start over. She changed her mind so much it’s literally unbelievable. She used to be for going to war in Iraq, and now she’s against that decision. She’s even switched political parties over the course of her life. There are other things too, and I’m sure they are also awful. I mean how can someone consider voting for someone who changes their mind so much? It’s inconceivable.

Not only is Crooked Hillary involved with the alt-delete movement, but also the regular delete movement. She’s always deleting things. E-mails, am I right? But it doesn’t stop there. She’s trying to delete the glass ceiling, which is a very important part of business structures everywhere. She even tried to get me to delete my Twitter account, which of course I didn’t. I hardly ever listen to anyone so obviously I won’t take advice from Crooked Hillary, who wants to delete some of the wealth of the world’s greatest Americans. But I respect greatness, so I would give them money. And Mexico will pay for it.

Thank you, and God help America.