Jeffrey Epstein Murdered by The Babadook

The editorial board requires a trigger/content warning for this one. If Jeffrey Epstein’s crimes upset you to the point that being reminded of them makes you feel physically unwell or otherwise extremely uncomfortable you should not read this. This also deals with the topic in a way which those unfamiliar with this publication’s unconventional perception of reality might see as less-than-serious. Now that we’ve gotten that over with, it’s time to start the article.

Notorious sexual predator and alleged billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell Saturday morning of an apparent suicide. It is only apparent rather than confirmed because if anyone else saw what happened, they haven’t spoken to any honest law enforcement officials about it. Due to this uncertainty, the internet has theories.

Many people are saying the Clintons had him killed, which is said by those people about many remotely suspicious deaths. This scenario is unlikely because the Clintons are lawyers and would presumably know that potentially incriminating documents are more likely to leak if the person those documents focus on is dead. Also, being lawyers, and intelligent, they know that murder is a very serious crime which the paranoid public would never let them get away with. Despite this, many people suspect the Clintons, and those people are wrong.

Others are saying Trump did it. This is somewhat less unlikely, since Trump does not seem to understand laws or consequences and he has gotten rid of just about every administration member who might try to educate him on these matters. Epstein was in a federal prison, so even if they didn’t actively hurt him they could have “accidentally” failed to protect him. This theory is also false.

There are also people who believe that there was no foul play, and that he might have truly have appeared stable enough to justify removal from suicide watch, and then recent events led to a shift in Epstein’s mental state. This, too, is wrong.

The truth is not even being considered by so-called legitimate news outlets, and the truth is that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered by the Babadook.

The gay icon/Twitter troll/nightmarish monster did not disclose a motive for the killing outside of what is revealed by the Babadook’s statements around the time of the murder. And we have some of those statements as a Heck Yes News exclusive:

“I can feel your guilt/I can smell your sin/So you have no choice/You must LET ME IN!”

“You are codfish piss/worse than Captain Hook/You won’t be missed/By the Babadook”

“Moral and nice/Are two things I ain’t/But you make me feel/Like I am a saint”

“It won’t be long/’Til I break your neck/And when you’re gone/You will go to heck”

“In heck it’s warm/In heck they paste/And not much else/They are very chaste”

“And now you’re dead/Coughing from heck’s smoke/I wish this would fix/The spirits you broke”


After confessing to the murder, the Babadook left and did not say where he would be going, but most likely he will be visiting some of Epstein’s closest former associates to try to scare some information out of them.