New App Shows What Your Phone Looks Like With a Virus

A new web app offers social media users the opportunity to find out what their phone looks like with a virus on it, and millions of people have taken advantage of this offer.

Or perhaps the offer has taken advantage of them.

The web app, known as LoonzLoonz after the website where it can be found, is one of many mind-bogglingly popular applications offering quizzes in which the participant does not answer a single question. LoonzLoonz struggled at first with such quizzes as “Which Care Bear is Going to Murder You?” and “What is Your Soul Mate¬†Going to Use as an Excuse to Reject You This Time?”, but when it launched “What Does Your Phone Look Like with a Virus?”, that’s when the app finally went…ahem…viral.

One user, who wishes to remain anonymous due to shame, told HuzzahNews “I gave LoonzLoonz a chance because this seemed like important information. If I don’t know how to spot the signs of a virus early, it could spread and spread and completely destroy my phone. So I took the quiz, which only asked me if I knew how to press a button to log in with Facebook, and it showed me a screenshot of the home screen of my phone. So I thought, ‘this app is worthless, that’s what my phone looks like now and I don’t have a virus,’ but I was dead wrong. The moment I opened my browser the next day, I got taken somewhere offering me a new phone, and I didn’t trust it so I closed my browser which actually closed my browser, and then my screen seemed to be sneezing. Like cascading droplets from the top to the bottom, non-stop for like an hour. I couldn’t get back in the browser and I couldn’t turn off the phone. Eventually it got really hot and died, and the company says they won’t replace my phone because the warranty doesn’t cover stupidity”

Sad news. Sad news indeed. Maybe one of the ten worst things which happened this week. Worse still, people who want to take action against LoonzLoonz are powerless to do so because not only is there no way to know what their phone would look like with a virus without getting one, but the small print, which no one read, explicitly said that by logging in to Facebook, the user gives LoonzLoonz express permission to infect the user’s phone or other device with a nasty and incurable virus.

Some victims have expressed a desire to change the laws in order to prevent such trickery, but after having to buy a new phone or computer, none of them have the money needed to buy changes in the legal code of the United States of America.

Woman Follows Through on Online Threats, Deletes All 652 FaceBook Friends

 

 

Delete, Group, Mass, Set, Erase

The Internet – Pamela Myers, 53, wasn’t kidding when she said she would kick people off of her friends list for not liking or sharing or commenting on her posts. Her former Facebook friends thought she was, but she wasn’t, and now Mrs. Meyers has the same amount of Facebook friends as the character Kip Drordy on South Park.

That number is zero.

As recently as a month ago, she had more than six hundred friends, consisting of family members and former high school classmates and church friends and bridge club friends and people she never met in person but connected with on the social network due to common interests. Many of these people were not much more than acquaintances, but some were close personal friends. Some still are. But none are her Facebook friends, because she followed through on threats no one thought she would follow through on and deleted all of her friends.

The post which started the mass deletions was the following one, from June 26th, 2016:

93.6% of people will not re-post this, but my true friends will! ¬†Please copy-and-paste this onto your wall and tell me your favorite thing about John The Baptist in the comments, and tag me and five other people. Lots of people are open about their love of Jesus, but not so many people talk about St. John the Baptist, who was a very important Holy Man! Make sure to spread the word about John the Baptist today to show you are my True Friend, and if you don’t you will get deleted. I am not kidding!

Lots of her former Facebook friends thought she was kidding and ignored the post, but she was not kidding. They got deleted. Others shared the post, and praised John the Baptist, but did not tag five other people, and they were deleted as well. By the time the virtual carnage from this post ended, Pamela Myers went from 652 Facebook friends to 17.

But she was not done. One week later, she made this post:

Hardly anyone reads what I write anymore, but if you do read what I write and care about me then please comment with an original Petrarchan sonnet about the greatness of John the Baptist. Most, if not all, of you will not do this, but if you are truly my friend then you will do all the research which needs to be done in order to write this sonnet in the comments of this post, which hardly anyone will read, but if you are truly my friend then you will read it. Also, if you are truly my friend, you will not judge me for posting about John the Baptist so much, but instead will post more about him to give this Saint his due. If you do not do this, I really will delete you!

After the previous culling, none of the remaining seventeen believed Mrs. Myers to be joking, but that didn’t mean they were going to write a sonnet. Several called her on the phone, telling her they still wanted to be part of her life, but they were still not going to write a poem about John the Baptist and they hoped she wouldn’t cut them out of her social media life because of it. Despite the calls, she deleted all of those people, as well as the ones who didn’t even bother to call or write anything, and some who wrote a sonnet which did not meet her standards due to being Shakespearean or not sufficiently effusive in its praise of John the Baptist. Only one sonnet was considered good enough, so by the second week of July she had one facebook friend, fellow John the Baptist enthusiast and amateur poet Kelly-Ann Collins.

Ms. Collins’ time on Mrs. Myers’ friends list was short lived, however, as Kelly-Ann Collins gave Pamela Myers zero likes on any of her posts over the next week. This was because Kelly-Ann went on vacation with very limited internet access, but she wasn’t given a chance to explain herself before being deleted. And thus, Pamela Myers ended up with zero friends.

Following this full purge of her friends list, Mrs. Meyers has been contacted by local political organizations in search of a candidate who might actually follow through on her promises.