Nothing Happened Recently

There have been no articles published on TotesRealNews in the past few weeks because nothing newsworthy has happened. Fake news organizations such as the Associated Press might disagree, but this is why they are fake news. If they were really news, they would know nothing newsworthy has been going on.

Alleged journalists made a big deal of Anthony Scaramucci’s brief stint as White House communications director, but real journalists know it was no big deal. Rookies get signed to ten-day contracts all the time, and often the contract doesn’t get renewed. Mr. Scaramucci didn’t perform up to high-level professional standards, so he was probably sent back down to the developmental league to improve his self-control. Maybe if he learns how to refrain from committing several fouls over the course of a few minutes, he’ll get another chance, but if not then he’s just another one of many hopefuls who couldn’t succeed in such a competitive and high-pressure environment. He wasn’t the first, and he will not be the last, and reporting on such things will distract from real news if any real news ever happens again.

Real news also didn’t happen when the Affordable Care Act didn’t get repealed, and the AHCA also failed to pass. This is not things happening, this is things not happening. And things don’t happen even more often than communications directors lose their jobs in less than two weeks. No one makes a big deal about when Congress doesn’t pass a bill outlawing frogs, or when it doesn’t appropriate two billion dollars to research why DJ Khaled is so successful, so they shouldn’t make a big deal about the non-success of a bill which aimed to cut taxes by taking health insurance away from tens of millions of people. Besides, according to noted policy expert Donald Trump, Congress can keep trying to replace Obamacare indefinitely.

There has also been much attention paid to the so-called collusion scandal by fake news outfits such as the New York Times, but real journalists know that this investigation is a nothing burger. A nothing burger is a perfectly valid metaphor in which an insubstantial rumor is physically represented by a bun with nothing in it. Not air, but nothing. A vacuum. An absence of matter which will destroy everything it touches, except for the bun.

The bun, in this metaphor, is Donald Trump. He is white bread,  very seedy, much less substantial than he appears, and his name has become synonymous with multiple slang terms for the buttocks. While some might be surprised that Donald Trump would be part of the nothing burger when the nothing burger seems determined to destroy him, this should not be surprising. Donald Trump has been involved with things that should have destroyed him for years, and especially frequently since he started his presidential campaign, and nothing bad has happened to him.

The latter nothing, the nothing which happened to Donald Trump, is an even more nothing-y nothing than the nothing which has happened in the news recently.

 

 

One of These Ten News Stories is Not Real

  1. Donald Trump ran through the White House in a nightgown last evening, even going up and down stairs, while wearing a hat which said “Make Willie Winkie Wee Again.” While doing this, he shouted frequently, telling people they should be asleep. It was nine p.m. at the time.
  2. Steve Bannon and Kellyanne Conway settled whatever differences they may have had and merged into one being, with the Conway part of this entity doing the shouting and the Bannon part doing the thinking. Donald Trump did not listen to this union of the spurned, as he was busy running in his nightgown, but this monster is likely to be a threat down the road to what little remains of world peace.
  3. George R.R. Martin recently revealed that the entire Song of Ice and Fire was a fever dream in the mind of one of the watchmen from the beginning of the story, so the attack thought to come from the undead actually came from a cold-resistant bacterium.
  4. Organic food is no longer allowed to be labeled as such, in case people get the idea their apples are made of hearts and kidneys.
  5. A Constitutional Amendment was passed re-defining freedom of speech as the right to say whatever you want to say without any retaliation or suppression of offensive expression by government, businesses, or fellow civilians.
  6. The friendzone has been abolished by law. It is has been determined by Congress that if a woman rejects a man’s romantic advances, she is no longer allowed to respect him or care about him or spend any more time with him than is absolutely necessary.
  7. Steven Mnuchin  was recently fired as Treasury Secretary because anyone with any sense knows that trickle-down economics does not cause long-term economic growth, and anyone arguing that it does has no business running the finances of the United States of America.
  8. Millions of Americans, both men and women, have signed a pact never to remove any hair from their bodies until neither Donald Trump nor Mike Pence is the President of the United States of America.
  9. Mark Zuckerberg is offering a hundred million dollars to the hundred millionth person to post a list of ten bands, nine of which this person has seen in concert.
  10. Donald Trump made a vaguely threatening tweet at Canada on April 25th due to Canada’s alleged negative impact on Wisconsin’s dairy farmers. This is obviously fake news because the South Park movie clearly showed how dangerous it is to blame Canada for anything.

Babadook Destroys Trump on Wiretap Issue

The Internet – As this publication reported previously, Donald Trump recently tried to goad the Babadook into tweeting at him again, and now he got his wish. But he may  end up regretting it, if he is capable of regret at all.

The Babadook started with this tweet:

Harsh words from a harsh monster. You might think that the Babadook’s words couldn’t get any scarier, but then it said this:

Terrifying and true. Whether you are the president, or just some random person who is not the president, the statements you make can haunt you for as long as you are alive. Or longer if there is an afterlife. Also, considering Donald Trump’s propensity for manic tweets, it is hard to believe he will stop tweeting for the rest of his life unless the rest of his life is not very long. So this could be construed as a threat and earn the Babadook a top spot on a watch list, although having to keep tabs on the Babadook in person is not an enviable task.

It is much easier, and safer, to keep tabs on the Babadook’s Twitter presence, which also includes this tweet:

Mega-ouch. The Babadook could not have been more brutal to Donald Trump unless it started haunting him in person.

Maybe the in-person haunting is happening, and that’s why 45’s behavior has been particularly erratic today.

Diddy Launches Tie or Die Campaign

The Internet – In response to the growing epidemic of people putting themselves in serious danger by not tying their shoelaces, prominent rapper, entrepreneur, and hyperbole enthusiast Sean “Diddy” Combs went on Twitter this afternoon to announce his new shoelace-tying initiative.

Diddy also announced he would be promoting his cause with a non-album single called “Tie Yo’ Shoes” in which he explains the importance of shoelace-tying to all people, but especially to young African-American males who identify with hip-hop culture, particularly its “gangsta” elements. There is no audio available, but he tweeted out a brief lyrical sample:

Those excited for the rest of the song will have to wait until it is released, and no other lyrics were leaked, but there is a decent chance Diddy will warn listeners sternly about taking a journey in a gurney. Even more likely, he might rhyme shoes with booze, since untied laces are especially perilous when mixed with alcohol. Also, uh. He is likely to say “uh” a lot.

Whatever lyrics are included in what seems likely to be Diddy’s most memorable song in years, it will help deliver a powerful message designed to combat a totally serious problem. And untied shoelaces are definitely a serious problem with potentially dire consequences, because otherwise there wouldn’t be so many people making a habit of pointing out untied shoelaces to total strangers.

While general opinion of the Tie or Die campaign seems to be positive, one Twitter user was not impressed:

 

As of 4:49 on February 3rd, Diddy is still planning on going forward with Tie or Die. But if he doesn’t, it is most likely due to intimidation by the Babadook, and not because there is any truth to allegations that this is all “fake news.” Because this is not fake news, it is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Clinton Family Allegedly Operating Space Brothel

The Internet – Fake news has been getting extra attention in recent days due to someone firing an assault rifle in a pizza place and claiming he went there because of a fake news article, but words on the internet confirm that this incident was due to a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie. The illegal operation which Edgar Welch aimed to break up is actually located on the Ping-Pong Comet, not the Comet Ping-Pong restaurant.

Comet 2016 BA14, usually called PanSTARRS but also known as the Ping-Pong Comet because its relatively small size makes it resemble a ping-pong ball when viewed from the Earth, came within about two million miles of this planet earlier in the year. Two million miles is about ten times as far away as the moon is, so for most people that would be a prohibitive distance, but according to words on the internet it is not too far for the Clintons. Their level of power and influence is so great that when the interstellar flying object came within three million miles, they were able to hop over there and move their nefarious “House of Love” to the comet so they could not be prosecuted for this particular criminal enterprise.

Some people might wonder why the Clintons would employ sex workers in space when they have enough money already and should have been too busy with their legitimate public activities to engage in such nefarious criminality, but such people live in a left-wing bubble where reality is shaped by evidence-based facts. For other people, whose perception of reality is more fluid and tends to be shaped by what they want to believe, if something is terrible then the Clintons will be doing it because that’s what horrible people do, and in this version of reality the Clintons took a day trip in March to set up an interstellar brothel where they can do whatever they want, including bring children to this brothel. The children are there in order to not be separated from family members who work at the Clinton Space Brothel, but those who are looking to be outraged can and will draw different conclusions about why there are children present.

Also in this version of reality, the Clintons are operating a space shuttle for clients to get to and from the Ping-Pong Comet, and this is being paid for with hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Because the Clintons control NASA, or something.

This angered a well-known resident of alt-reality:

No matter which version of reality you live in, if you want to put a stop to this alleged operation, you will not be able to use the Clinton Shuttle. If you live in Fact-Based Reality, you cannot do so because such a shuttle does not exist, and if you live in the other reality the Clintons have been spying on you and know what your plan is and therefore would never allow you to ride on their spaceship. But if you’re smart enough, and determined enough, and work hard enough to make enough money to afford the materials required to build a spaceship, then you might be able to make your own spacecraft and fly it to the comet and put a stop to all the horrible things which are going on in the space brothel. But to do so you will need to spend years dedicated to the cause, thinking of nothing else. Certainly no time for voting or any other political activities.

President Obama appears to be at least a bit skeptical about this, as evidenced by this totally real tweet:

But President Obama lives in Left-Wing, Fact-Based Reality, so those who live elsewhere can draw their own conclusions.

Trump Nominates Alex Jones for Secretary of Information

All Seeing Eye, Dollar

The future should hold less fake news and more of this.

 

The Internet – Due to the much-maligned proliferation of fake news throughout social media, the Trump Administration has created a new government agency, the Department of Information, to control the spread of journalism which it deems to be fake. This department is to be headed by a new member of the Cabinet, the Secretary of Information, and the Trump Team has nominated noted truth enthusiast Alex Jones for this position.

In addition to shouting at anyone and everyone whose version of the truth doesn’t coincide with that of the Trump Administration, if he is approved by the Senate then Mr. Jones’ responsibilities will also include spearheading a massive agency meant to keep fake news stories away from the eyes of the gullible public. The Department of Information is set to go after not only obviously biased sites such as the Borowitz Report and Addicting Info and the Huffington Post, but also more insidious fake news purveyors such as CNN, the BBC, and Reuters. This would require a lot of taxpayer dollars according to some sources, but any source saying such a thing is a fake news source according to the new administration and therefore should not be listened to.

One of the first orders of business of this new department will be to shut down what they claim to be a fake news story about the Trump University case showing highly unethical and un-presidential conduct on the part of the president-elect. There will be no alternate narrative, because there is nothing else to say. It is fake news, as it is disrespectful to the new president, and therefore there is nothing more to say about it.

Anything related to the suspicious nature of Trump’s wins in swing states, and winning the Electoral College while getting “schlonged” in the popular vote, will be declared fake and purged from all places where the people can be exposed to such information. Same for anything related to Trump’s treatment of women, including accusations of sexual assault and worse. Ditto for reports about conflicts of interest regarding the way Trump is handling his business interests while he is supposed to be interested only in leading the country to the best of his ability. Any reports supporting the idea that the best of his ability is not very good at all will also be officially declared fake. And anything pointing out the hypocrisy regarding the outrage over Mike Pence’s Hamilton experience is the fakest fakey fake news in the world and will be purged accordingly. The list goes on, except it doesn’t, because anything detailing Trump Administration policies which might make the administration look bad is also fake.

In order to allow news to still exist while getting rid of the news the administration considers fake, Mr. Jones will feed news networks stories about cute animals and not-so-cute extraterrestrial beings and positively ugly conspiracies to kill unborn babies in order to get their stem cells to use for vaccines to give people autism. If Secretary Jones says these stories are real, then all these stories will be real and we will be hearing a lot more of them in the near future. Unless the Trump Administration causes Armageddon and there is no near future, but any reports of such a possibility are, of course, fake.

There are likely to be sources calling these policies “totalitarian” and “Fascistic” and “soul-shakingly terrifying,” but such sources are a virtual lock to face severe censorship due to the fakeness of their news.

There could be some concern over the future of this publication in the face of these regulations, but such concern is unfounded. It is obvious to all those who read our name and nothing else that our news is not fake, as it is totes real.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

 

 

Exclusive Account of Donald Trump’s Audition for The Voice

Prairie Dog, Singing, Musical Rodent

This prairie dog probably sings better than Donald Trump

 

The Internet – Donald Trump took time out from his campaign schedule last February to audition for the TV show The Voice. The footage of this audition was briefly made available by hackers opposed to Vladimir Putin, and has since been hidden and possibly destroyed, but it was visible for just long enough for TotesRealNews to take a look and make a report.

The audition began with the four judges, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton and Alicia Keys and Miley Cyrus, facing away from the stage as they listened to one of the best voices they had ever heard in their lives. This was a pure voice, a powerful voice, so powerful it gave the impression of singing in stereo. And this voice was doing an a capella rendition of “We Are The Champions” which sounded like a spot-on impression of Freddie Mercury.

The judges turned around to see Donald Trump standing there, grinning, with his phone in his hand, prompting Adam Levine to tell him this is a show for actual singing with voices, not for playing recordings on your phone, (for which the licensing could be extremely expensive), and promising to fire whatever producer gave the okay to this audition. But since he was here, they could edit out the first part of the audition in post-production if Mr. Trump would actually sing.

Donald Trump insisted his phone was a part of him, like an extra limb he used to send his “wisdom” to the rest of the world, but the judges weren’t buying it, and they said he could either respect the format, or leave with no chance of the audition ever making it to air. Then Trump claimed he would sing really soon, and he would sing great, and he would sing the best song in the best way, but he never actually sang anything. Then Miley Cyrus said he was a disgrace to America, and Trump’s response made his comments to Megyn Kelly seem positively civil and loving.

After that, Mr. Trump was gently led off the stage and the audition was over. It will never be shown on-air, or on the internet, and the judges were all so visibly upset by the experience it’s unlikely any will be willing to talk about it. It is also believed that due to the incredibly offensive nature of Donald Trump’s comments to Miley Cyrus, even the Trump team thought this should never make it into the public’s knowledge, so all involved parties signed an addendum to the non-disclosure agreement specifying the time period of not talking about the incident would now be defined as “forever.”

Nonetheless, in spite of the lack of any concrete evidence whatsoever, this totally happened.

 

*Editor’s note: What was once called “TotesRealNews” is now “SuchRealNews.” The news is just as real as it always was, and where it says “Totesreal” in the text this can be mentally replaced with “suchreal” or “veryreal” or left as it is. But due to the high journalistic integrity of SuchRealNews, and definitely not laziness, all references to the previous name within articles will remain unchanged.

Radical Islam Indicted on Multiple Counts of Murder

Gavel, Justice, Wooden, Mallet

 

The Internet – A Texas Grand Jury has recently decided radical Islam – not an unfortunately named human being but the vaguely defined ideological term – should stand trial for multiple murders throughout the state.

According to grand jury foreman Chris Murka, “Radical Islam has caused far too much trouble in this great country. As I have always said, guns don’t kill people, radical Islam kills people. It is like a virus, and once it infects people they are no longer in control of their own actions and they will just start murdering everyone, and you can’t hold people accountable for such actions, so it is obviously radical Islam’s fault.”

A juror who asked not to be named due to opinions which could be dangerous in Texas argued that what is called radical Islam is often just an excuse for angry people to lash out against the world, which caused Murka to get angry and strike the juror, exclaiming that he didn’t follow Islam, radical or otherwise, but maybe this dissenting juror did so maybe she should go back to Afghanistan.

When asked how radical Islam would be punished if found guilty of the murders, as you cannot jail an intangible concept, Murka said, “We’re gonna kill it. We’re gonna kill it with guns. Everyone who has been infected with the radical Islam virus will be rounded up and shot so it won’t be able to spread to others.”

When asked whether such policies, which could be construed as xenophobic and possibly genocidal, could lead to increased radicalization and anti-American sentiment, Murka was not discouraged. “If the hate spreads, then we will destroy the hate where it spreads to by shooting the hateful person in the head, and will keep doing so until all radicalism is destroyed.”

At that point, nobody shot Murka in the head because most people in the room either agreed with him or were afraid to express dissent. Additionally, the grand jurors were not allowed to carry firearms during the proceedings, and it is illegal to kill someone just because you disagree with that person.

Radical Islam is expected to receive a court-appointed attorney, since despite all its alleged power the defendant does not have any actual money to its name.