Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.

 

 

 

Trump Demands Tropical Storm Don be Renamed Hurricane Donald

A new storm called Don recently arrived in the Caribbean Sea, and Donald Trump immediately called a press conference to discuss this new development instead of talking about the health care bill or his approval ratings. The president spoke for several minutes, explaining why he felt this storm should be classified as a hurricane as well as why it should lengthen its name.

The entire speech is reproduced here:

 

You might have heard about the big news from today, the new storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Great sea, the Caribbean. Beautiful beaches, beautiful people. Many people were telling me it’s such a great place that I should have built many hotels there, but I had to tell them no because my hotels are always huge and it’s not a good idea to build towers when they have yuuuge windy storms there all the time.

As you know, one of those storms started there today, and people are calling it Don. Listen, people. Let’s call it what it is. It’s Donald. Don is short for Donald. I mean, it’s not Donatello. No one’s named that anymore, and that’s a turtle name. Turtles are slow. No one is going to be worried about winds going two, three miles an hour. That hardly even affects my golf game, which let me tell you is getting much better. It’s not Adonis either. It’s Donald. That’s its name. Deal with it.

Now Hurricane Donald, and it is Hurricane Donald and not this wimpy Tropical Storm Don, is really windy. Donalds in general are very windy. So full of wind. Wind coming from everywhere. It’s a breath of fresh air, and then a breath of not-so-fresh air, but we don’t have to talk about that second part, do we? We do not. We are talking about all the wind blown by Donalds, and this new hurricane is definitely a Donald, and because it is a Donald there will be so much wind. It will be gusting bigly.

It will be powerful too. So powerful. Powerful and destructive. Donalds destroy everything they touch, and this storm will be no exception. Businesses, marriages, public respect for family members…this hurricane is going to destroy all of them because it will be so strong. The strongest. Other hurricanes, which are the only family this hurricane has, will be ashamed of how weak they are next to Hurricane Donald. It’ll be amazing, really.

This will be the greatest hurricane of all time. So much more wind and rain than the others, especially Hurricane Hilary, which was a nasty storm. Such a nasty storm, but my storm is going to be bigger. And this is not just because it is Hurricane Donald. There are other reasons, but they have to stay secret because if the hurricane hears too much it will know about my plan to defeat it and that will make the battle much more difficult than it needs to be.

But I will defeat this hurricane, that I can tell you. No storm can stand against me because I am the windiest, most destructive Donald of them all.

Immediately following this speech, Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared that she needed to look for Sean Spicer and then she quickly disappeared from view.

Trump Bans All Songs By Fall Out Boy

The Internet – Donald Trump took time out of his busy day yesterday to sign what some are calling an executive gag order against the music of Fall Out Boy. He also spoke to select members of the press about this decision, and while most of the invited journalists are unlikely to write about this due to their loyalty to the president, an intrepid TotesRealNews reporter snuck into a nearby vent and transcribed the contents of the president’s speech, which is reproduced below:

The failing musical group Fall Out Boy, which has never had a number one hit on the only chart that matters — number two doesn’t count, just ask Hillary Clinton — are hereby banned from doing anything related to music. I’m president, the people elected me, so I can do that. They cannot make any new albums, or do any concerts, and the radio cannot play any of their songs. It is also illegal now to play their songs at home, although I don’t know why anyone would want to, because they are terrible.

Some people, and these people are so wrong let me tell you, seem to think I would be banning Fall Out Boy because I’m afraid that their songs know what I did in the dark. Which is preposterous. Everyone knows the only thing I do in the dark is get up and go to the bathroom and go on Twitter. My many enemies might think the song is talking about the things I do in secrecy, but if I did such terrible things then Congress would have found out and told everyone so it’s fake news to say I’m banning Fall Out Boy for any reason except they’ve been doing a bad job at music.

A long time ago, before I was a Republican, they did a song telling me to dance and then to dance again. I hate that. I don’t dance, I just pull up my pants and do the Rockaway, which is a place in the borough of New York City I was born in. Then I lean back, and take America back to the 1920’s, when we had Calvin Coolidge and America was great. Maybe he wouldn’t say so, because he didn’t say a lot of words, but Calvin Coolidge was one of the best presidents. And Fall Out Boy is one of the worst bands, which is why they are banned.

They also had a song, one which was almost a number one song — I don’t know why, but it was — where they suggested an arms race is a bad thing. Unbelievable. Arms races are great, and the one we’re going to have with North Korea is not a bad idea no matter what the haters say. We’re totally going to win that one and show we’re the best. Unlike Korea, which is almost as bad as Fall Out Boy. And while fake news sites like Wikipedia claim North Koreans eat mostly rice and beef and chicken, many people are saying they’re also into cats. But I digress.

Another song they did which is terrible is the one about falling sugar. First of all, falling sugar reminds me of diabetes, which jealous haters think I am in serious danger of getting because of my size and my diet, and I do not want to think about that. And why would anyone want to lie in grass by a mausoleum? Too many dead people there, maybe vengeful ghosts of those who I may have hurt with my smart business moves. Not that I believe in such things, but you can’t be too careful. You know me, I’m always careful. But the worst thing about the song is the guy says he’s going to be number one and yet he’s going down in an early round. I am number one with a yuge bullet, and let me tell you I am not going down. Not in an early round, not ever. This song is stupid and it’s a big reason why they are banned twelve years later.

There is one song of theirs which I like. The one about being remembered for centuries. Because hundreds of years from now, people will remember my name, and if I’m any judge of reality they will remember it fondly. Like Ozymandias. I’ve always compared myself to Ozymandias, and it gives me a good feeling to think of people looking at Trump Tower in hundred of years and feeling terrible that they will never be able to make anything so great. And I’m a busy man, so I haven’t had a chance to read the end of the poem, or the beginning, or anything but those famous two lines really, but I assume the rest of it is about modern people admiring the great king Ozymandias. Great poem, and great song, but Fall Out Boy is banned so that song is banned too.

Another thing which many people do not know is they have a record label called Fueled by Ramen. Last I checked, ramen is not American and if they don’t buy American food then they are not patriots. Maybe if their label was called something like Powered by Pizza I might consider lifting the ban, but they made their bed and now they have to sleep in it, which by the way is an incredible phrase I just made up.

Now it should be crystal-clear that the reason why I banned Fall Out Boy is that I think they did a bad job with the music they made a while ago, and not because I’m afraid of what their songs know. Their songs are like Jon Snow and the haters. They know nothing. And I know it’s time for dinner, and I’m hungry enough for three scoops of ice cream. Bye-bye.

During a normal presidency, Constitutional lawyers would likely have immediately pounced on something like this to claim a blatant violation of the 1st Amendment, but those lawyers have been so overwhelmed by the actions of this administration that they are unlikely to do anything about this. So Fall Out Boy will remain banned, and all that their fans will be able to do is thank them for the memories.

Leaked Trump Speech Links Clinton to Alt-Delete Movement

Lollipop, Candy, Sugar, Food, Kids

The Internet – Alleged presidential candidate Donald Trump planned to give a short speech in the near future responding to Hillary Clinton’s speech associating the Trump Campaign with the controversial alt-right movement, but the speech has been leaked. And we have it. In its entirety. Here it is:

Greetings, Dum Dums.

I meant this with love, of course. Dum Dums are great. They are one of the best candies. And you are the best supporters.

Now some people, and these people are not very smart, are saying perhaps you are not the best supporters. That you are part of something called the alt-right which everyone should be scared of as if you are Muslims or Mexicans, and I am very confident you are neither. You are also not alt-right, at least not in the way my opponent says you are, because you are just right. People who support me are right. People who don’t support me are wrong. It’s that simple.

Speaking of people who are wrong, Hillary Clinton has some nerve accusing me of being close with an alt group, when she has an alt group of her own. Not only do they support her, but every decision she makes is because of these people, and I use the term loosely. I would call it the control-alt-delete movement, because she is always resetting herself, but she is out of control. She’s totally lost it. So it’s just alt-delete.

Now I know you’re very smart people, but sometimes you have better things to do with your intelligence than learn things about Crooked Hillary, but I have the best people telling me about her, and those people tell me she changed her mind a lot. These same people also tell me that’s like resetting a computer to start over. She changed her mind so much it’s literally unbelievable. She used to be for going to war in Iraq, and now she’s against that decision. She’s even switched political parties over the course of her life. There are other things too, and I’m sure they are also awful. I mean how can someone consider voting for someone who changes their mind so much? It’s inconceivable.

Not only is Crooked Hillary involved with the alt-delete movement, but also the regular delete movement. She’s always deleting things. E-mails, am I right? But it doesn’t stop there. She’s trying to delete the glass ceiling, which is a very important part of business structures everywhere. She even tried to get me to delete my Twitter account, which of course I didn’t. I hardly ever listen to anyone so obviously I won’t take advice from Crooked Hillary, who wants to delete some of the wealth of the world’s greatest Americans. But I respect greatness, so I would give them money. And Mexico will pay for it.

Thank you, and God help America.